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Quote from the episode Lockdown

Charles: Very respectful.
Jake: Correct, I am the King of respectfulness, bitches!

Quote from the episode 9 Days

Captain Holt: Morning, everyone.
Jake: Morning, sir. Hey, look. We're food stain buds. Who are you wearing? Porridge?
Captain Holt: Um, oatmeal.

Quote from the episode Cheddar

Jake: Oh, let me get that. Try now. Oh, I can't control the locks. Hang on. Try now.
One, two, three. Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now. Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now.

Quote from the episode The Tattler

Jake: And it worked! I was finally cool, and becoming friends with the most popular kid in school: Brandon Bliss.
Rosa: Dope name; sounds hot.
Jake: He was hot, Rosa.
Gina: For the record, he could barely read.
Jake: He didn't have to read, Gina. He lost his virginity when he was 12 years old.
Gina: Which is horrifying.
Jake: But it wasn't back then! Back then, it was everything.

Quote from the episode The Tattler

Jake: I've got a sweet job, and a super-smart, incredible wife. Tonight's gonna be awesome. Right, Gina?
Gina: Damn straight! DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!

Quote from the episode Ticking Clocks

Rosa: She's leaving town for two weeks. I want to send flowers to her hotel room.
Jake: Aww, that's sweet. I wish Amy would send me flowers.

Quote from the episode Sicko

Monica: Excuse me, is there ice yet?
Jake: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work here. I'm a police officer.
Monica: Well, then I'd like to lodge a formal complaint. There hasn't been ice here for days and everyone knows my wine coolers are supposed to be served chilled.
Jake: You're an adult. Why are you drinking wine coolers?
Monica: Because I'm on vacation.
Jake: Okay. Well, I'll mention the ice.
Monica: Thanks. Pig.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Dotty: Excuse me, my apartment is on the seventh floor, and the elevator isn't working. I'm getting cold.
Jake: Well, we're headed back to our precinct. There's emergency power if you want to wait there for the lights to come back on.
Charles: I'll get in back.
Dotty: I'm Dorothy, but my friends call me Dotty. Although these days there are fewer and fewer of them.
Jake: Charles? Uh, this is great, Dotty, but we're kind of in a hurry. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there in time for the birth.
Dotty: Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.
Jake: Okay.
Dotty: All the dad needs to do is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt for when it's time to teach him a lesson.
Russ: My dad hit me with a belt. Soon as I got big enough, I shot him.
Jake: Wow, what a fun group for this, the most important day of my life.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: Ugh, we haven't moved. Why is there so much traffic? Stupid Uber, New York used to be a paradise of open road.
Charles: Try the siren again. [siren blares]
Dotty: In my day, people respected police.
Jake: They respect us; they just have nowhere to go.
Dotty: God knows they won't go back to their own country.
Jake: Dotty, I really wish you weren't such a big part of my son's birth story.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Charles: We should walk. It's only 27 blocks, it's gotta be faster than this.
[cut to Dotty tottering with a walker along the sidewalk:]
Charles: I mean, it's a little bit faster.
Jake: Is it? Hey, Dotty, just weighing our options here. Have you ever been worn like a backpack?

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Woman: [o.s.] Help, help!
Charles: Jake, we don't have time. We'll call it in. Let someone else handle it.
Jake: No, we can't ignore a cry for help. We can handcuff him to the railing Dotty, call out if you need anything.
Dotty: I'd feel safer if you just shot him.
Jake: Dotty, no. We're not gonna shoot him!

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: Thanks for letting us hijack your bachelorette party.
Kayla: Oh, it's what we do. We're, like, so random.
Briana: Yeah, in Red Bank, where we're from, everyone's like, "Uh-oh, here comes trouble."
Kayla: Wait, we have to stop.
Jake: No, no, no... no stopping. Why are we stopping?
Kayla: I lost both my shoes back there. I gotta go find them. [yelps] Update. I still have one shoe on, but I think I broke my ankle. But I'm gonna still try to find the other one.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Charles: Guys, this is taking way too long. When she gets back, we have to pedal faster.
Russ: Sorry, I have a gunshot wound in my leg.
Dotty: It didn't even hit bone, you sissy.
Briana: Oh, if you're in pain, here have some of this. It's bubblegum flavored gin.
Russ: I can't. I'm two years sober.
Jake: What? No you're not. You got drunk and crashed into the power plant.
Russ: Yeah, that was a relapse. I fell off the wagon.
Jake: Okay, so you're clearly lying, which means... you planted the bottle of vodka.
Charles: Which means the crash wasn't an accident.
Jake: And you caused the blackout on purpose, why?
Russ: I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank too much and that was... [screams] She's fingering my wound!
Dotty: Tell us what you're up to.
Russ: The banks! We're hitting all the banks on Union.
Charles: Dotty, stop. Please let go.
Jake: Dotty, that's against the law.
Dotty: I am the law.
Jake: What made you like this?

Quote from the episode Old School

Jake: Oh, my whole body has dry mouth.

Quote from the episode Thanksgiving

Jake: I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. People stuff themselves. And then at midnight, they run to appliance stores and trample each other to death. It's a garbage holiday. (Sobs) I'm sorry, I just get emotional when I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is.

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