Jake Quotes Page 2 of 150

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Quote from the episode Jake & Amy

Captain Holt: Now I believe you've prepared your own vows?
Jake: Yes, I was going to do an "Addams Family" themed rap, but my beat-boxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn't be surprised, because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you. And I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end.

Quote from the episode Full Boyle

Jake: And this beautiful basketball-loving Die Hard fan is tearing down my walls of defenses. If we find out that she is half-Jewish, we are all doomed!

Quote from the episode The Cruise

Jake: Hey, can I ask you something?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: If the toilets drain into the ocean, does that mean a tiny shark could swim up and bite me in the butt?
Amy: No, not at all.
Jake: Psh, lame.

Quote from the episode The Slump

Jake: I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence. It's unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork.
Hitchcock: You had me at "no paperwork".
Jake: That was the very end of the sentence.

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Sergeant Jeffords: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

Quote from the episode HalloVeen

Jake: [flashback] Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me, but since it's 2017, I am not asking you for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she be mine, if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong independent woman, and she don't need no man. That being said, I truly hope she says yes. But it's her decision, so just back off!
Amy: Aww, that was perfect. What did he say?
Jake: I have no idea, I left a voicemail. I'm terrified of him.

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Jake: Amy, check it out.
Amy: Nice! You got it framed?
Jake: Of course. It commemorates our victory over the Vulture, the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Jake: You did it, Fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home. "I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons."

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Quote from the episode The Tagger

Deputy Commissioner: What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.
Jake: First off, the name's Santiago. Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I'm arresting your son. Which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice, but it's the one I'm making. Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.

Quote from the episode The Party

Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Jake: Boyle, they found one of the stolen paintings at her house.
Charles: But she says she didn't know how it ended up there.
She's being set up.
Jake: Framed! Art joke. Continue.

Quote from the episode USPIS

Jake: Here, my email is-
Jack Danger: Uh, no email. I'll send it to you with r-mail, which is to say, real mail. Because email has put hundreds of my co-workers out of work.
How would you like it if they laid off all of your fellow detectives and partnered you with a robocop?
Jake: I've literally drawn sketches of that.
Charles: The robot has a backpack that can carry me.

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Jake: Rules are made to be broken.
Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

Quote from the episode The Mole

Jake: You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?
Amy: I don't like where this is going.
Jake: Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours, and I might not be that great about returning them.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?
Amy: No!
Jake: No!

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