Jake: So the heist is actually going to be the perfect goodbye.
Amy: What does that mean?
Jake: Drama, glamor, shocking twists and turns. And the whole heist ends up with everyone at the Brooklyn Bridge.
Amy: Is that meaningful? Have we ever been there together as a squad?
Jake: Uh, yeah.
[theme music plays over clip from opening credits]
Jake: I'm not sure why we all looked so intense, we were just getting falafel.
Amy: I mean, that falafel stand is really good.
Jake: True that, yeah.

Jake: So... we're good?
Amy: Yeah, we're good.
Jake: Oh, thank God, I spent so much money on this plan.
Amy: How much money, Jake?
Jake: I mean, not an insane amount. Mac definitely has to go to state college now, but the important thing is we're on the same page.

Jake: It's all part of the perfect goodbye. Everyone should think they have the winning tube, but then at midnight when the time locks release, they'll realize they actually just have a sentimental gift from me. Look what I got Holt. It's the first tie I bought after he started making me wear them. And I'm getting Rosa a travel board game so she knows that we're gonna keep doing game night even though the Nine-Nine's breaking apart.
Amy: Aww.
Jake: And I'm also getting everyone AirPods.
Amy: Hmm, I'd lose those. Feels like it cheapens the sentiment. Plus, everyone already has headphones.
Jake: Okay, fine, no AirPods. So, in order for this to work, we have to get to the golden tube before Holt does and swap it out for the one with the tie inside.
[later:]
Jake: Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Jake: [v.o.] Then with Rosa believing that Holt has the real one, you just need to come up with a fake heist and then find a way to slip her the dummy tube.
Amy: [on the phone] It went perfectly.
Jake: Same here, sort of. We came back to change 'cause we had to ditch our magnet suits in the armored car. It was fine for me. Charles went commando for some reason. Anyway, he's getting dressed now. We just have to figure out a way to slip him his gift and then we're all set. The perfect goodbye is so close I can taste it.
Bill: Yum, yum, yum.
Jake: Gah! Bill, you can't sneak up on people like that. I gotta go.

Charles: Jake!
Jake: Hey. What's up, you okay?
Charles: Are you quitting the Nine-Nine?
Jake: What? Why would you...
Charles: I found this letter of resignation in your locker. Were you not gonna tell me? Does our friendship mean nothing to you?
Jake: Charles, I can explain.
Charles: Don't bother.
Jake: Wait, no, wait, Charles, wait a second. Charles, come back. [sighs]
Bill: Seems like someone's in the market for a new best friend.
Jake: Bill, I swear to God.
Bill: We look exactly the same. [smiles]
Jake: Guh, okay.

Jake: So, here's the plan. I latch on to the bottom of the truck and unbolt the emergency exit hatch while it's still moving.
Charles: Oh, but that's impossible. Unless you finally did it?
Jake: I did.
[later:]
Jake: I bought us magnet suits! Check it out. [metallic thud]
Charles: No!
Jake: Ha-ha!
Charles: So sweet.
Jake: I got it off Ukrainian Etsy. They sell arts and crafts and tactical gear. It's a weird site.

Charles: Jake, there you are.
Jake: No, no, don't come in here! Yeah, the magnet suits have a couple of drawbacks.
Charles: They look cool, though.
Jake: They look so cool! Probably still worth it.

Amy: Oh, Jake, what do we do now?
Jake: Obviously, our plans have changed a little, but the perfect goodbye is still in our sights. Our objective is the same. Get that tube from Gina before Holt does.
Amy: How do we break into an armored truck?
Rosa: [enters] What are you two doing?
Amy: Oh, sorry, Mac's done with daycare so we had the babysitter bring him by so we could say hi. 'Cause we're gonna be home late tonight, so...
Jake: Yeah, just trying to strike that heist-life balance. Isn't that right, little Mac-a-docious? Isn't that right, Mac-a-roonie?
Amy: Yeah.
Rosa: Ugh. Well, when you're done, come find me. We gotta talk strategy. [exits]
Amy: Got it.
Jake: I can't believe she fell for it.
Tiffany: So, I don't understand, you guys are paying me to babysit a fake baby?
Jake: Yeah, we're just hoping people think it's real.
Tiffany: Oh, cool. You think it's working?
Jake: I do not.

Charles: So we stick to the bottom of the truck. It's brilliant. But how do we get on?
Jake: Through a manhole outside the precinct. We just have to get Gina to stop right on top of it.
Charles: She might stop for a pedestrian. If we could figure out someone who is willing to step in front of a moving truck.
Jake: Lucky for us, we know someone will do anything for money. [claps]
Bill: Hey, guys.
Charles: Hey, Bill. Rough year?
Bill: Yeah, the pandemic was really hard on my industry.
Charles: Which is?
Bill: Nursing home seductions.
Charles: Oh, my God.
Jake: Well, like I say every heist: that's enough, Bill.

Jake: Oh, no! Janitor Dan is erasing the clue!
All: No! Stop! Stop!
Janitor: You're welcome.
Jake: Damn it. I love that guy, he's so nice. Ruined the whole heist and we can't even be mad at him.

Caleb: For the record, I'm not a cannibal anymore. My new passion is needlepoint embroidery. Look at these. Two parrots in love. A turtle with a monocle and a top hat.
Jake: Wow, it's so intricate. How do you... [leans forward]
Caleb: Ahh!
Jake: Oh, no, no!
Caleb: Okay, you got me. I was gonna eat you. That's still my thing. It's even affected my needlepoint. Look at this. Liver. A heart. Butt. An arm. Mmm. Oh, and there's this one that your delicious-looking lieutenant asked me to do.
Jake: The third clue. "Where the devil lies, you'll find your prize."
Captain Holt: Well... [chuckles] I know where the devil lies.

Rosa: "When a fellow needs a friend, it's what's on the inside that counts."
Amy: "Fellow needs," like felonies.
Jake: "On the inside," like jail.
Charles: Your cannibal friend.
Jake: Charles, I highly doubt... it's definitely that! Go!

Amy: Yeah, we gotta call Terry.
Charles: Already on it. It's going straight to voicemail.
Jake: No problem, I actually installed malware on his phone in case he started heisting. I have access to his microphone and speaker.
[meanwhile:]
Deputy Chief Williams: So, Lieutenant Jeffords, can you handle the increased responsibility of being a captain?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm glad you asked. I'm very responsible.
Jake: [on phone] Terry! Terry! Terry, it's Jake and the squad calling from your butt. Terry, Terry, Terry!
Deputy Chief Williams: I'm sorry, what's happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't hear anything.
Jake: Terry, answer your butt. Answer your butt. Answer your butt. Don't ignore your butt, Terry! Terry, come on, it'll just take a second. We just need the final clue.
Sergeant Jeffords: [quietly] A perfect world, a time of bliss, a loving and inspiring kiss.
Jake: We can't hear you. Please speak directly into your butt.
Sergeant Jeffords: A perfect world, a time of bliss, a loving and inspiring kiss.
Jake: Wonderful! Thank you, Terry, that is all.

Scully: Found it. Here.
Charles: "Don't tell me where the next clue is hidden, tell me why."
Amy: "Tell me why." From that time Jake made the perp sing that song.
Jake: Wait a minute, you guys know about that? Were any of you actually there?
Rosa: You've told us the story many times.
Captain Holt: And tried to recreate the moment on several occasions.
[flashback:]
All: ♪ Working at the car wash ♪
Jake: No, number two and five, you're off key. Number three, you're coming in way too early. I mean, what are we even doing here, guys? [to the witness] So which one do you think killed your family?
[present:]
Jake: Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on. Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist.

Charles: "A loving and inspiring kiss." That's gotta be Jake and Amy. And we know it's not the last couple years because they've basically stopped kissing in front of us.
Jake: All right. Wait a minute! A Perfect World is a movie with Kevin Costner, or should I say Kevin Cozner. It's a kiss between Holt and Kevin.
Rosa: The one that brought them back together. Out front in the rain!
Jake: Ooh!

[flashback:]
Jake: Anyways, once everyone arrives there's gonna be a huge fireworks display.
Amy: Uh-uh, no. Remember when you almost blew off your thumb with that M-80? No fireworks.
Jake: Okay, fine! But luckily I have a surprise guest lined up. I reached out to Bruce Willis's people and they said that he would, quote, "Not engage with something like that." So, I think it's gonna work out.