Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

[about a year later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Now that that's been sorted, are there any questions?
Jake: Yes! I have a question! Captain Jeffords, are you ready for the Halloween Heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta? Last year was the final heist. We all agreed it was over.
Jake: Ah, Terry, you jolly simpleton. That was obviously a ruse. I mean, did you really think I was gonna let Hitchcock win the last heist? I mean, that would be crazy! Hitchcock? It would've been unforgiveable.
Hitchcock: That's true, it felt wrong.
Captain Holt: I know someone who's in. The old janitor, which is actually me! Deputy Commissioner Raymond Holt.
Amy: And he's not the only one. I'm in too.
Rosa: Me too.
Gina: As am I. Gina Linetti.
Jake: That's right, Terry, this is happening every year. We're in each other's lives forever, whether you like it or not. So, what do you say, Captain? Are we doing this?
Sergeant Jeffords: What I say is... Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!

Jake: You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?
Amy: I don't like where this is going.
Jake: Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours, and I might not be that great about returning them.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?
Amy: No!
Jake: No!

Jake: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty, sixty bucks?
Sergeant Jeffords: Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.
Jake: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta?! You just blew my cover!
Jake: Or did I save your life?
Sergeant Jeffords: Or did you compromise an investigation and piss off a superior officer?!
Jake: I'm sensing from your tone it's that one.

Jake: "Uh-oh, hope it doesn't get too sexual." Title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long. Also the title of your sex tape.

Jake: I'm gonna make a great dad.
Amy: Not even going to touch that.
Jake: The Amy Santiago story.

Jake: Captain, quick update. Another one of the Fulton Street Four was murdered here this morning.
Captain Holt: Huh. I'm surprised you're not celebrating inappropriately.
Jake: This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.
Captain Holt: You did it before I showed up?
Jake: Yep, that is exactly correct.

Jake: My fellow detectives, ours is not an easy job. The hours are long, the danger is constant, the pay is LOL. But today, a glimmer of hope. For today, a new vending machine. Behold him in all of his glory, so full of strength, and promise, and, most importantly, sodium, gluten and fat.

Jake: I don't slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That's slump backwards and it's what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.

Jake: Captain, hey! Welcome to the murder.

Jake: So, now that we are alone. I have to ask. Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?
Amy: Oh my god, yes. I should have told you immediately. Perp name Hall of Fame, right?
Jake: Oh, yeah. First ballot. It was right up there with Sylvester Stools and Janet Stalkmuncher.

Jake: All right, we're doing this. Let's play wife or dog. Hey, so, Scully, what do you do at the park with Kelly?
Scully: Oh, we just walk around. She gets antsy if she doesn't get outside enough. Then it's just yap, yap, yap, yap, all day long.
Charles: Hey, what's Kelly's favorite food?
Scully: Peanut butter. She'll eat it right out of the jar.
Sergeant Jeffords: How old is Kelly again?
Scully: Well, she's getting up there, but she's pretty sprightly for her age. Especially considering she got hit by that car a year ago.
Jake: Ah, that's so awful. Was she chasing something into the street or..?
Scully: No. She was getting me the newspaper.
Jake: All right, this is useless. Scully, is Kelly your wife or your dog?
Scully: How can you ask me that?
Jake: I still don't know which it is.
Charles: Could be either.
Jake: I could not tell you.

Jake: Let's go free an innocent woman.
Charles: Nice. My dreams are coming true. You and me getting my lady off together.
Jake: I mean, you know how that sounds, right?

Jake: What is going on out there? We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming, and a native English speaker referred to Captain Holt as "hilarious." I am flummoxed! That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it!