[flashback:]
Amy: What do you mean you're leaving?
Jake: I mean, that's what I want to do. But only if you agree.
Amy: I don't understand.
Jake: Well, for weeks we've been trying to figure out how you can do your new job and still have us be there for Mac as much as we want. And I really think this is it.
Amy: Yeah, but we have other options.
Jake: Yeah. But I think this is the best one. Look, you know I was scared about having kids 'cause I didn't want to be like my dad. But if I do this, I have a chance to be the exact opposite. And I don't want Mac to ever feel the way I felt growing up.
Amy: And I get that, I really do. But you love being a detective.
Jake: I know. It's all I ever wanted to be. Until now. Now, all I care about is what's best for our family. And Ames, this is it. I mean, you've earned this incredible opportunity. You can't do it halfway, it's too important. And Mac's my little buddy. I want to be at home with him.
Amy: Are you sure? Because we could figure something else out. You know I would do anything for you.
Jake: I would do anything for you too.
Amy: Will you run that half-marathon?
Jake: I'm never running the half-marathon, Amy. You gotta stop asking.
Amy: You really think you'll be happy? I don't want you to give up your dream job just for me.
Jake: I have a new dream job now. Trust me, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.
Amy: I love you.
Jake: I love you too.

Jake: And this golden vessel is from the precinct's old pneumatic tube system. It's been outfitted with a time-release lock set for midnight. Whoever has the medal at that time will be the winner. [pneumatic tube whooshing] Now, let the Last Day Heist begin.
[flashback:]
Amy: It's an amazing plan, babe.
Jake: Thank you very much. And everyone's gonna be so shocked when they find out the big surprise: that I'm leaving the Nine-Nine.
Amy: What did you just say?
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Captain Holt: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Captain Holt: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

Charles: Wait, if Terry's out, that means...
Jake: Oh, yeah. It's you and me, buddy.
[flashback:]
Amy: But I don't get it. Why don't you want us to be on the same team?
Jake: Because, Amy, no one can know that we're working together.
Amy: Smart. And Charles will never be suspicious because he'll be so excited to be your teammate.
Jake: Yeah, that sweet little dumbass.

Jake: Okay! We're gonna start off in teams. I'm sure everyone could use the extra help since this year's heist was so spur of the moment and no one had time to plan anything too complicated.
[flashback: 12 days before the heist:]
Jake: This year's plan is insanely complicated. Check it out.
[present:]
Jake: We will be selecting our partners with the help of a beloved Nine-Nine fixture, the big bag of loose teeth.
Rosa: What the hell?
Amy: Are those human?
Jake: It's evidence from a century of bar brawls. The story of New York is in this bag.
Sergeant Jeffords: The story of New York is gross.
Jake: Yeah, Terry, we live in a hell-mouth. Now, in this bag is a tooth with each of your initials on it. Who wants to root around inside and pick a partner?
Rosa: I'm not putting my hand in a bag of dirty, old teeth.
Jake: It's not dirt, it's old blood and dried phlegm. Who's in? No one? Are you really all that squeamish?
[flashback:]
Jake: Of course they're all that squeamish. It's part of my plan. I'll volunteer to reach into the bag so I can rig the selection process using...
this magnet. Pretty dope, right? I've also added metal fillings to certain teeth to ensure we get the pairings that we want.

Jake: Now since there have never been an official two-time heist winner...
Rosa: I won three times.
[Jake, Holt and Amy all shout at once]
Jake: One, at best!

Sergeant Jeffords: [on alarm app] Terry loves waking up. Terry loves waking up. Terry...
Sergeant Jeffords: Good morning, honey, time to... [screams] What the hell are you doing?
Jake: It's Holt and Amy's last day, so we're having a final heist! It's heist day!
Sergeant Jeffords: Couldn't you have just sent an email?
Jake: Nope, this was the only way. I have to go alert the others. See you soon!
[later, as Rosa opens her refrigerator:]
Jake: It's heist day, Rosa! [Rosa screams] Whoops, sorry about your milk. Gotta go!
[later, as Charles goes to wake Nikolaj up:]
Charles: Niko, it's time for school.
Jake: It's heist day, Charles!
Charles: Where's Nikolaj?
Jake: He's crying in the closet! Gotta go!
[later, as Amy walks into their bathroom:]
Amy: Babe, what are you doing?
Jake: I was hiding so I could surprise you. But if you're here, then who's in our shower?
Captain Holt: It's me, Captain Holt. It's heist day, Jake.
All: Oh!

Amy: Jake, I'm serious. I don't know if I can do this job and still be an equal parent. I mean, who's gonna pick up Mac on the odd days? And who's gonna bathe him on the even days? And who's gonna do the cooking? And who's gonna figure out...
Jake: Ames, we'll figure all that stuff out.
Amy: How can you be so sure?
Jake: I just know.

Amy: So... what do you think about this new job?
Jake: I think you gotta take it. I mean, first of all, it's a huge promotion, so cha-ching, but more importantly, it's the culmination of all your hard work and a chance to make a real impact. And also, cha-ching.
Amy: What's with all the cha-chings? Oh, no. You bought something dumb.
Jake: No, I invested in something dumb. It's an NFT of Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles eating pizza. But not to worry, because it is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to TurtleBucks?

Captain Holt: Thank you, and since I don't want work to consume my life and this is a big job, so I will need some help, which is why I'd like to bring you along, Santiago, with a well-deserved promotion to chief. If you're interested.
Amy: Wait, what? I'm gonna be a chief?
Jake: Terry, you might wanna step aside, 'cause there's a dork dance a-coming.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, damn.
Amy: Whoo! [dances] Yes! Gonna be a chief.
Jake: We share a marital bed.

Captain Holt: The ceremony's about to start and O'Sullivan's about to come home and catch us. It seems the reform proposal is as dead as my marriage.
Jake: I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I was so desperate for us to have one last cool case together that I forced you into this.
Captain Holt: [sighs] No, Jake. The truth is... I enjoyed it. I had fun being Maxwell Maxwell.
Jake: Yes. I knew it was a good idea.
Captain Holt: And I hate myself for it.
Jake: Damn it. I interjected too soon.
Captain Holt: It makes me scared that... I'm not ready to retire, no matter how much I want to for Kevin's sake. I mean, clearly, there's a part of me that still wants to work cases. What if I'm making the wrong choice?
Jake: It's completely understandable that you would feel that way. You've devoted your whole life to this. It's who you are. But you're also Kevin's husband.
Captain Holt: What would you do?
Jake: [sighs] I'm not sure. But I know that when things are hard, I talk them through with Amy. And just being with her, looking into her eyes, everything that seemed so complicated becomes simple. And then... I just know.

Jake: [on the phone] Come on, Mrs. Joseph. I was at your house all the time. Remember, you caught us wearing your bras so we could practice unclasping them? Hello. Hello. [puts down receiver] Ugh. What? You have no idea what it's like taking bras off. You had it so easy growing up gay.

Captain Holt: Ah, what are we gonna do?
Jake: All right, look, there's one number I still have memorized that could help, my middle school friend Mikey J.'s old landline.
Captain Holt: Do you have any reason to believe that Mikey J. still resides there?
Jake: Well, we were in a ska band together in high school, so I'm thinking the odds are good.

Captain Holt: Use the landline. Call Santiago.
Jake: Great idea.
Captain Holt: Okay.
Jake: Just one problem. I don't know her number.
Captain Holt: How can you not know your own wife's phone number?
Jake: It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.

Jake: All right, look, all's not lost. I have the laptop. We just need to get in touch with someone from the Nine-Nine so they can get us out of here. Give me your phone.
Captain Holt: I left it back at the venue so Kevin couldn't track it and know I was gone. Use yours.
Jake: Mine's dead. I used up all the battery mining for MetsCoin. It's the first cryptocurrency that is also the Mets? I don't know what I'm doing in this space.