Amy: You know what your butt hates? Making any sort of sacrifice for us, because it's not serious about this relationship.
Jake: Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious it should be wearing spectacles.

Amy: My butt is totally serious.
I've made all kinds of changes.
I bought orange soda for you.
Jake: Okay, for the last time, Orangina is not orange soda.
Amy: Yeah, because it's better.
Jake: Uh, okay, now you're just being crazy.

Jake: I can't believe you thought I was the dumb cop. I mean, I've watched "Planet Earth". With the British narrator. I can tell you anything you want to know about "three-toed slo-ths" and I got you to say you knew where the body was found, which kinda seems like something only the murderer would've known.

Jake: Okay. I know you're mad, but before you say anything, yes, we screwed up. And yes, you warned us. And yes, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I do know this: I have reached the end of my sentence.

Captain Holt: So, [sighs] after you and Robert fought-
Philip Davidson: Talked.
Captain Holt: You left the office, but you didn't take your car?
Philip Davidson: I went to a bar, The Scotchman. I didn't want to drive drunk, so I took a cab.
Captain Holt: And you didn't have your phone?
Philip Davidson: I left it charging in my office and I didn't realize till I was already out of the building.
Jake: Oh, man, if I go ten minutes without looking at my phone, my pumpkin crop dies on my little farm.
Captain Holt: This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta.

Captain Holt: An interrogation with a ticking clock and everything on the line? I better call Kevin and tell him I won't be attending the opera. There's someone else I'd rather hear sing.
Jake: Oh, damn!
Captain Holt: Hello, Kevin. I won't be joining you at the opera tonight-
Jake: [whispering] Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were on the phone already. Oh, damn!

Jake: All right, fine. Take Bob with you into the panic room. Rosa and I'll find another way out.
Captain Holt: I'm sure you will, son.
Jake: [gasps] You called me "son." No take-backs.

Sharon: Guys, my water just broke.
Jake: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one.
Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.

Scully: Found it. Here.
Charles: "Don't tell me where the next clue is hidden, tell me why."
Amy: "Tell me why." From that time Jake made the perp sing that song.
Jake: Wait a minute, you guys know about that? Were any of you actually there?
Rosa: You've told us the story many times.
Captain Holt: And tried to recreate the moment on several occasions.
[flashback:]
All: ♪ Working at the car wash ♪
Jake: No, number two and five, you're off key. Number three, you're coming in way too early. I mean, what are we even doing here, guys? [to the witness] So which one do you think killed your family?
[present:]
Jake: Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on. Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist.

Gintars: Jake! You set me up. Do you even have mutilated penis?
Jake: [sighs] ... No. It's perfect.

Jake: Hey, puzzle chick, unscramble this. You're going to "ailj."

Gordon Lundt: I've been sent here to spy on you.
Jake: What? I am truly shocked.
Captain Holt: We are both shocked.
Gordon Lundt: Commissioner Kelly knows you're recruiting a team of captains to oppose him. He asked me to find out who they are. But I've decided I won't help him.
Captain Holt: Why not?
Gordon Lundt: Because I've fallen in love with you.
Jake: What? That is truly shocking. For real this time. What?

Sergeant Jeffords: The presentation! I didn't do it. Okay, I just need to add color. It'll only take two minutes. Stall him.
Jake: Okay, no problem. I'm definitely got two minutes worth of stall material.
[in the hallway with Captain Holt:]
Jake: Okay, Sarge will be right out. In the mean time, why don't you and I just chat, you know, for a couple minutes about brumpst.
Captain Holt: Brumpst?

Jake: What? No, Charles, you're driving.
Charles: Ugh. 1234? Nope. 5555? Damn it.
Jake: Stop. If you keep getting it wrong, we're gonna get locked out forever.
Charles: That's a risk I have to take. Boom, did it, 5683. Fifth most common pass code this year. It spells-
Jake: Fart.
Charles: Love.
Jake: Yep, love.

Jake: I hereby christen thee Snackie Chan.