Jake: Look, even if we were lying about having a witness-
Philip Davidson: Which you are. The neighbor's dead.
Jake: No, it could've been a squatter, or a hunter, or a squatting hunter. Not all hunters have homes.

Jake: Where should we start-a-rooski?
Philip Davidson: Don't you think maybe we should just wait till your boss comes back?
Jake: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Because you're scared. You know I'm playing hardball, except for that the balls are questions. And here they come.
What kind of car did Robert drive? Also, Dana from the bar, what color was her hair, and which night does the cleaning crew sterilize your office, and have you ever been up to where the body was found, and when you left your phone at the office, was it plugged into your computer or an outlet, and did you kill him, and what did your cab driver look like?
Philip Davidson: This seems like a huge waste of time. But, here you go. Robert drove a Saab, Dana's hair was blonde, they sterilize on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I haven't been to Vernon in 20 years, the phone was plugged into the wall, no, I didn't kill him, and the cab driver had a beard and an earring, I'm sorry I didn't get his license number.
Jake: Wow. Very impressive.
Philip Davidson: Yeah.
Jake: You didn't fall for my "did you kill him" gambit.
Philip Davidson: No.
Jake: Although it is interesting that you knew the body was found in Vernon, New York, when that information hasn't been released to the public.

Charles: Feeling jealous, buddy?
Jake: No, not at all. I mean, I am a little surprised that somebody named Melvin is so bodacious, but I feel that jealousy is an ugly emotion.
Charles: That you are feeling.
Jake: And I'm just glad that Amy is spending some time with her hero.
Charles: Who is super hot.
Jake: Charles, let it go.
Charles: And smart.
Jake: I'm serious, stop.
Charles: And hilarious.
Jake: Eat a jerk, pal!

Jake: Captain, I'm sorry that things got out of hand, but you can still be on the board. I read 85 pages of the convention bylaws, and-
Captain Holt: That was unnecessary. I don't wanna be on the board.
Jake: But I read bylaws.

Sharon: Guys, my water just broke.
Jake: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one.
Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.

Captain Holt: An interrogation with a ticking clock and everything on the line? I better call Kevin and tell him I won't be attending the opera. There's someone else I'd rather hear sing.
Jake: Oh, damn!
Captain Holt: Hello, Kevin. I won't be joining you at the opera tonight-
Jake: [whispering] Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were on the phone already. Oh, damn!

Captain Holt: When did you hatch this plan?
Madeline Wuntch: Peralta thought of it when I tried to quit the mission.
Jake: Hey, what's Holt's expression right now? Would you describe it as, proud daddy?
Madeline Wuntch: It's hard to tell. He's still piecing it together. This could take a while.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you just tell me what was actually happening?
Jake: I wanted to, sir, but it involved trusting Madeline Wuntch, and I just didn't think you could handle it. But I'm sorry that I lied to you. Sir? Sir? Oh, no. Is he mad? I can't see anything. Did he storm out?
Captain Holt: No, I stormed in! To tell you it was a great plan. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: And there it is the proud daddy.

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?

Jake: "How certain are you? Sincerely, Raymond Holt." "100 percent, sincerely-" Why am I doing that part? Send. Okay, it said delivered.

Jake: So you risked everything to get me and Rosa out of prison? Oh, my God.
You did all of this for us? [EXHALES] I love you, Da-aptain. Daptain. It's the cool new way of saying Captain. It's from the world of hip-hop. Love you.

Jake: Okay, tell us more.
Bill: Now, here's a list of all the nicknames I go by. Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew, Big Dave, Super Thick-
Jake: Just write them all down for us.

Jake: I hereby christen thee Snackie Chan.

Jake: Okay, Rosa. You know what it's time for.
Rosa: I do.
Both: Jake and Rosa's final impressions.
Rosa: Your client's a hit man. He snuck into the apartment during a party several nights earlier, hid in the vent for three days, then emerged and murdered Adams. Jake?
Jake: He then spilled bags of blood that he stole from a blood bank all over the floor and turned on the victim's vacuum cleaner to make the crime scene as messy as possible. Rosa?
Rosa: The messy scene meant there'd be extra crime techs, allowing your client to sneak out in a Hazmat suit, which records show he bought online.
Jake: Two weeks before the crime was committed. My only question is, who was behind all this?
Perp: I was hired by a chicken farmer.
Jake: Okay. Dopeness taking a late hit here, but we still got you. See you at the sentencing, peace, and we're out.

Rosa: [on radio] Check in, Boyle, check in.
Charles: Uh-oh, Jake, they check in every ten minutes, and I have to respond with a code only we know.
Jake: [to the radio] I am a Tramp.
Rosa: [on radio]- Copy that.
Jake: Did I guess it? Did I guess the code? I couldn't hear what Rosa said back, but was that right?
Charles: You got it.
Jake: Yeah, I thought so, okay.

Warden: So, how was your first stint in solitary?
Jake: It was nothing. I held it together. [flashback] Oh Amy. When'd you get here? You've come for my conjugal capabilities. You're looking real good, girl.
Whoa, lost a booby. No matter. I'll just build another one. More mashed potatoes!