Jake: Hey, puzzle chick, unscramble this. You're going to "ailj."

Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man. Use your muscles.
Jake: Use my muscles? Oh, great. Why didn't I think about that? Great advice, Terry.

Amy: Jake!
Jake: What is that?
Amy: Grab the top one and yank the bottom one!
Jake: Oh, thank God that's what you meant. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.

Captain Holt: No, my decision is final. I'm postponing my flight. Good-bye, Jacob.
Jake: No, sir! Please, please - [call disconnects] Ahh! He said Jacob. It's biblical.

Jake: Luckily I have a backup plan. I got the Holt soundboard app from Gina. "I'm. Raymond. Holt. Get. Some. Get. Some." Man, soundboard Holt is so horny.

Warden: So, how was your first stint in solitary?
Jake: It was nothing. I held it together. [flashback] Oh Amy. When'd you get here? You've come for my conjugal capabilities. You're looking real good, girl.
Whoa, lost a booby. No matter. I'll just build another one. More mashed potatoes!

Jake: Well, well, well. I hear you don't like answering questions, Marco. That's fine by me, 'cause I'm not asking. Ooh, handle fell off. I'll just grab that. Nope. So looks like we're locked in. That's bad news for you, 'cause you're trapped in here with a psycho. Has anyone tried it from the outside?
Sergeant Jeffords: Lock's broken. Gotta call facilities.
Jake: Copy that. No rush. As I said, I got all the time in the wor- It's a little warm in here, right? Do you feel any air coming out of that vent? I got nothing. We got an ETA on facilities?
Charles: At least 45 minutes.
Jake: And they've checked all this paint for lead, right? And the room for asbestos. I feel like I'm sucking on a tailpipe in here, Marcos! Everybody get away from the mirror! Come on! I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Marco: Hey, calm down, man. I'll confess. Just stop freaking out.
Jake: What?
Marco: I did it. I robbed 'em.
Jake: Boom! And that's how it's done. I was faking the whole thing to break him. I coulda stayed in here forever.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good, 'cause facilities is gonna be a couple hours.
Jake: We're gonna die in here!

Charles: Feeling jealous, buddy?
Jake: No, not at all. I mean, I am a little surprised that somebody named Melvin is so bodacious, but I feel that jealousy is an ugly emotion.
Charles: That you are feeling.
Jake: And I'm just glad that Amy is spending some time with her hero.
Charles: Who is super hot.
Jake: Charles, let it go.
Charles: And smart.
Jake: I'm serious, stop.
Charles: And hilarious.
Jake: Eat a jerk, pal!

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you clean your car?
Jake: I did, but it didn't really take, so I just rented a new one, but here's the best part: I printed out a sign especially for him using his favorite font, Garamond.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who has a favorite font?
Jake: The Santiagos do. All of them.

Jake: Okay, so where's this hitman, Judy?
Doug Judy: Look, I don't know who they sent, but he's on the boat. Check out this manifest. Somebody boarded in San Juan named Henry Coles.
Jake: Henry Street and Coles Street, that's the corner of your old chop shop in Brooklyn. This is an alias.
Doug Judy: Mm-hmm. And my porter buddy checked out Henry Coles' cabin, he hasn't been in it yet. He's hiding somewhere on this boat ready to jump out and kill me at any moment. Probably creepin' around in my closet.
Jake: Or stowed away in a lifeboat.
Doug Judy: Or hiding in a wall.
Jake: Or holed up in the engine room.
Doug Judy: Camouflaged in the shrubbery.
Jake: Predator style! No! We are not having fun. You will not suck me in with your wily charms.

Sergeant Jeffords: [on alarm app] Terry loves waking up. Terry loves waking up. Terry...
Sergeant Jeffords: Good morning, honey, time to... [screams] What the hell are you doing?
Jake: It's Holt and Amy's last day, so we're having a final heist! It's heist day!
Sergeant Jeffords: Couldn't you have just sent an email?
Jake: Nope, this was the only way. I have to go alert the others. See you soon!
[later, as Rosa opens her refrigerator:]
Jake: It's heist day, Rosa! [Rosa screams] Whoops, sorry about your milk. Gotta go!
[later, as Charles goes to wake Nikolaj up:]
Charles: Niko, it's time for school.
Jake: It's heist day, Charles!
Charles: Where's Nikolaj?
Jake: He's crying in the closet! Gotta go!
[later, as Amy walks into their bathroom:]
Amy: Babe, what are you doing?
Jake: I was hiding so I could surprise you. But if you're here, then who's in our shower?
Captain Holt: It's me, Captain Holt. It's heist day, Jake.
All: Oh!

Rosa: Listen to yourself. You're letting all of this cloud your judgment.
Jake: I love clouds; they keep the sun away on hot days.
Rosa: He doesn't want us to solve this crime, so he's buying us off. It's shady.
Jake: I love the shade; it keeps the sun away on hot days.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.

Gordon Lundt: At first, the flirting was just part of the ruse. It meant nothing to me. But then the Barrel Museum. I fell hard.
Captain Holt: Not surprising. It is an erotically charged atmosphere. The curve of the slats, the rivets, the bilge, the bunghole.
Jake: Okay, I am actually starting to hear the sex talk now.
Gordon Lundt: The bunghole is the least erotic part of the barrel. It's simply functional.
Jake: Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Bunghole. Continue.

Jake: Ka-blamo, scrubs. I nailed it. I solved Captain Holt's brain teaser and found the location of our secret meeting. The answer? The broom closet. In your face.
Sergeant Jeffords: In whose face now?
Jake: Yours.