Sergeant Jeffords: Did you clean your car?
Jake: I did, but it didn't really take, so I just rented a new one, but here's the best part: I printed out a sign especially for him using his favorite font, Garamond.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who has a favorite font?
Jake: The Santiagos do. All of them.

Jake: Okay, so it seems like they don't wanna get married. But is it even our place to say something?
Amy: No, right?
Jake: Right?
Amy: It's their decision, even if it's a bad one. They could always get divorced.
Jake: People love getting divorced! My parents got divorced, and all it did was scar our family for years and years.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, have you never been to therapy?
Jake: No. Don't need it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not even after the time your wife shot you?
Jake: Nope.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about when you were held at gunpoint and had to write your own suicide note?
Jake: Oh, that was crazy. I forgot about that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or when you were falsely accused of bank robbery and went to prison?
Jake: Was that a big deal?
Sergeant Jeffords: You joined a gang and tried meth!
Jake: Well, I didn't want to be anyone's bitch.

Jake: Ugh. Wario, why are you like this?

Amy: Thank you for doing this. I love you.
Jake: Noice. Smort. I love you too.

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?

Jake: What's this case?
Amy: Oh, this isn't work. It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting. It's very thorough.
Jake: Just relax. She's gonna love you. You're both strong, accomplished women that have seen me naked.

Jake: All right, what I am about to say will make you very horny, but you have to try and remember that we're still at work. Do you want me to quiz you?
Amy: Oh, God, yes.
Jake: Wow.

Rosa: Listen to yourself. You're letting all of this cloud your judgment.
Jake: I love clouds; they keep the sun away on hot days.
Rosa: He doesn't want us to solve this crime, so he's buying us off. It's shady.
Jake: I love the shade; it keeps the sun away on hot days.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Peralta. How's it going, man?
Jake: Pretty good. Thanks for asking.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cool, cool, cool. So how's it going?
Jake: I'm still pretty good. Nothing has changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: I hadn't heard about that.
Jake: All right, you're clearly not listening to me. I can say whatever I want.
Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me about it.
Jake: I murdered Charles this weekend.
Sergeant Jeffords: I feel you.
Jake: Now that I have the taste for blood, I can't stop murdering.
Sergeant Jeffords: Been there.
Jake: Okay, Sarge. Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake. When'd you get here? I'm sorry. I'm just trying to see if Captain Holt is done with his meeting yet. So, how's it going?
Jake: Okay. We've been over this. I'm pretty good.

Charles: Ah, Jake, I'm sorry you didn't get your perfect goodbye.
Jake: Yeah. This whole thing did kinda turn into a scalding hot mess. But to be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die.
Captain Holt: It's a disgrace.
Jake: Anyways, I say we hang out, have a drink, and enjoy all of us being together one last time. To the squad.
All: To the squad.
Gina: You just drank cement! [all spit out]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.

Captain Holt: Okay, welcome to trivia night.
Kylie: You said you would never bring him again.
Amy: Don't worry, it's gonna be fine, I promise.
Jake: Is it?
Captain Holt: Tonight's first category, by special request, the "Transformers" movies.
Jake: Yes!
Captain Holt: Question one. What is the name of the evil race of Transformers?
Jake: The robot bad robot. Oh, God, I don't know.
Kylie: Damn it, Jake!
Jake: I'm sorry, I can't take the trivia "presh"! Why couldn't you have just given me the three minutes?

Jake: Well, Terry's trapped in the break room forever. Only thing we can do now is move on with our lives. It's what Terry would've wanted.