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Quote from the episode Bureau

Captain Holt: (After Jake completes a pull-up) Good job. Can you do it without screaming?
Jake: Pro-bab-ly.

Quote from the episode Moo Moo

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Peralta. How's it going, man?
Jake: Pretty good. Thanks for asking.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cool, cool, cool. So how's it going?
Jake: I'm still pretty good. Nothing has changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: I hadn't heard about that.
Jake: All right, you're clearly not listening to me. I can say whatever I want.
Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me about it.
Jake: I murdered Charles this weekend.
Sergeant Jeffords: I feel you.
Jake: Now that I have the taste for blood, I can't stop murdering.
Sergeant Jeffords: Been there.
Jake: Okay, Sarge. Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake. When'd you get here? I'm sorry. I'm just trying to see if Captain Holt is done with his meeting yet. So, how's it going?
Jake: Okay. We've been over this. I'm pretty good.

Quote from the episode Show Me Going

Jake: Luckily I have a backup plan. I got the Holt soundboard app from Gina. "I'm. Raymond. Holt. Get. Some. Get. Some." Man, soundboard Holt is so horny.

Quote from the episode Game of Boyles

Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Quote from the episode Gintars

Gintars: Jake! You set me up. Do you even have mutilated penis?
Jake: [sighs] ... No. It's perfect.

Quote from the episode Karen Peralta

Jake: And my mom thinks she knows all the worst things that my dad did, but she has no idea. She doesn't even know that he cheated on her with her best friend, Sheila Bodden.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: Yeah, I saw them. They were in our car in the garage having sex. It's the whole reason I can't have sex in cars in garages.
Amy: That's a very specific sexual hang-up. I mean, has it really held you back?
Jake: Well, are we having sex in car in a garage right now?
Amy: No.
Jake: So, yeah, big time it's held me back.

Quote from the episode Maximum Security

Jake: Yeah, try and spread the word that you've got a connect on the outside that gives you access to contrabands: cigarettes, burner phones-
Amy: Pornography.
Jake: Amy, women don't watch-They do?
Charles: Mm. Oh, yeah.
Jake: Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. Huh. Well, that's an exciting revelation for me.

Quote from the episode Maximum Security

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Quote from the episode The Puzzle Master

Jake: Hey, puzzle chick, unscramble this. You're going to "ailj."

Quote from the episode Crime & Punishment

Jake: Guilty. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool..... Cool.

Quote from the episode A Tale of Two Bandits

Trudy Judy: So the fence, Dallas, he works in there.
Jake: I don't like him. My rule? Never trust anyone named after a city.
Doug Judy: What about Orlando Bloom?
Jake: I never thought about him being named after the city before, and his last name is Bloom? Wait a minute, did we just realize something crazy?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! Everyone know it's a crazy name.

Quote from the episode Hitchcock & Scully

Jake: All right, tell us about the case.
Scully: We were working organized crime, and we took down a mafia boss, Gio Costa, for running cocaine.
Hitchcock: We were the studs of the Nine-Nine.
Jake: Well I'm sure "studs" is a bit of a- Oh, my God. I can't believe I'ma say this, but-
Charles: Meow.
Jake: No, that is not what I was gonna say, but honestly, yeah, meow.

Quote from the episode The Box

Jake: Where should we start-a-rooski?
Philip Davidson: Don't you think maybe we should just wait till your boss comes back?
Jake: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Because you're scared. You know I'm playing hardball, except for that the balls are questions. And here they come.
What kind of car did Robert drive? Also, Dana from the bar, what color was her hair, and which night does the cleaning crew sterilize your office, and have you ever been up to where the body was found, and when you left your phone at the office, was it plugged into your computer or an outlet, and did you kill him, and what did your cab driver look like?
Philip Davidson: This seems like a huge waste of time. But, here you go. Robert drove a Saab, Dana's hair was blonde, they sterilize on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I haven't been to Vernon in 20 years, the phone was plugged into the wall, no, I didn't kill him, and the cab driver had a beard and an earring, I'm sorry I didn't get his license number.
Jake: Wow. Very impressive.
Philip Davidson: Yeah.
Jake: You didn't fall for my "did you kill him" gambit.
Philip Davidson: No.
Jake: Although it is interesting that you knew the body was found in Vernon, New York, when that information hasn't been released to the public.

Quote from the episode Paranoia

Jake: All right, gents, Pimento's bachelor party is tomorrow night. I've gotten us a party bus, reservations at a delightful steakhouse, and a DVD copy of "American Beauty" to watch at midnight. That last thing was his only request. I'm not sure if it's his favorite movie or if he's just never seen it.

Quote from the episode Paranoia

Rosa: He thinks we're rushing into things, but we're not. I love Adrian. Every time I see him, my heart just explodes.
Jake: Wow, that's, like, some Lionel Ritchie-grade love stuff.

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