Captain Holt: I had no idea you'd be here.
Jake: You know what? It's fine, sir. A lot of people go on their honeymoon with their boss. Nope, I thought if I said it out loud it would normalize it, but it's weird.

Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work" - title of our sex tape.
Amy: What?
Jake: Your sex tape. What? No!

Jake: Hey, can I talk to you for a second, privately?
Amy: Uh, sure. Oh, wait, this isn't gonna be that thing where you pretend you got an important text from Holt and it's just that video of screaming sheep?
Jake: I promise you it's not, but I do stand by that prank.

Rosa: I thought he was dating that weather girl.
Jake: No, he dumped her because she blamed Hurricane Sandy on gay marriage.

Jake: Ooh, schnoops. You said that to her before and then she flipped it on you. You got flipped on, son.

Jake: Okay, so there are two questions on the table. First, who was more bang-able, young Hitchcock or young Scully?
Charles: Young Hitchcock. Total smoke show.
Jake: Agreed, but it's close.

Captain Holt: Don't interfere with IA's investigation. Just find out what actually happened in case Kelly is trying to manipulate the facts. Can you do that?
Jake: Oh, so you're asking if we can open a portal to the wet and wild 1980s to investigation the bizarre lives of these magnificent dodos? I believe it was a young Barack Obama who said "Uh, yes, we can."

Jake: What? Majors isn't here yet? I wasted all that coolness on nobodies.

Charles: So how did you get to Costa?
Hitchcock: We had a CI on the inside who helped set up a sting. We took down Costa, recovered a ton of coke and three duffel bags full of cash.
Jake: Seems pretty clear-cut, but then why would IA reopen the case? Unless they think it's some sort of "Freaky Friday" situation and you guys traded places with horny singles in your area.
Scully: It's possible.

Jake: You're under arrest. Also, I'm gonna have to pee while I hold you at gunpoint. I've been drinking so much water.

Jake: What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas? Yeah, it got all in my mouth. It was horrible. But still not as bad as water.

Jake: Too much torque! Too much torque!

Jake: Oh, okay, I see what's happening. This is a competition. We're officially competing.
Rosa: Oh, yeah, we're competing.
Jake: Fine, then it's on, and I'm gonna crush you. Also, I need a ride. Can I please sit on the back of your motorcycle?
Rosa: No.
Jake: Well played. Looks like I'm gonna find out if a motorcycle fits on the subway.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You got Ocampo?
Jake: Oh, yeah, and you'll never guess where we found him. In the bathroom not going. He was hiding. I ruined the story.

Rosa: Son of a bitch. Where'd you find a steering wheel?
Jake: I didn't. I had a Frisbee in the trunk, and I taped it on. That's right. I MacGyvered the donk out of this thing, and it worked flawlessly. Actually, I hit a ton of stuff on the way over here. It was awful.
Rosa: Of course you did.