Captain Holt: Tell me exactly what happened.
Jake: Well, it started with Boyle wanting to say the word succulent.
Captain Holt: Oh, no.
Jake: And it ended with a small riot, in which a dirtbag set Hitchcock's nap couch on fire.

Captain Holt: I'm putting myself on this case.
Jake: All right, Captain. Looks like New York's finest just got a whole lot-
Captain Holt: Let's go!

Jake: Apparently the Tsar of Russia gave that bejeweled egg to his girlfriend as a present. I've never gotten a bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.

Doug Judy: What about you, Peralta?
Jake: Um, I can do a pretty good Italian accent. (imitating Robert De Niro) "You think you could milk me?"
Doug Judy: So you're just doing De Niro from "Meet the Parents?"
Jake: (still impersonating De Niro) I don't know, am I?
Doug Judy: (impersonating De Niro) This is De Niro.
Jake: I think it's pretty good.
Doug Judy: Mine's better.
Jake: It's pretty good.
Doug Judy: (stopping the impressions) We'll just make you American.
Jake: Okay.

Doug Judy: Hey, did my brother stop by? I heard he jacked some nice cars, and I might have a buyer. This is Maxime Dubois, international millionaire.
Captain Holt: Bonjour.
Doug Judy: He doesn't speak any English. This is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.
Jake: Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Griff: Hey, hey, is everything all right here, Maxine? You're speaking good English.
Jake: Eh, just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such. He's disappointed. He really wanted that Cobra. You know the French, so passionate, even their skunks. Pepe Le Pew. It doesn't matter; I'm a lawyer. No further comments.

Captain Holt: Gertie!
Griff: What?
Jake: Uh, that was French for (in an accent strikingly like his De Niro impression) "I gotta make a phone call." He's gotta make a phone call. Frenchmens. You can't bring them anywhere.

Jake: All right. We can run right through it. These suits are fire-resistant.
Captain Holt: These suits are not fire-resistant.
Jake: They're not? Then why are they so expensive?

Jake: Oh, I can't believe this! I really thought I could trust Doug Judy this time.
Captain Holt: I kept telling you not to, but you wouldn't listen. You were too busy singing your songs and planning trips to Niagara Falls.
Jake: We just said neither of us had ever been. There were no hard plans.

Jake: Look, it's humiliating. Doug Judy thought he could manipulate me, and he could. I feel like I'm a terrible cop. ... Wow, I really thought you were going to chime in with something supportive there.

Teddy: Hey, everybody, look who's here. It's me, the most boring man in America.
Jake: Well, to be the most anything in America is pretty good. I mean, it's a big country.

Teddy: Reminder invite Jake and Amy to jazz brunch tomorrow.
Jake: Uh, reminder we're in.
Teddy: Good. But I am actually gonna email you the invite, if you could just RSVP to that. I'd feel better if everyone had it on their calendars.
Jake: Copy that. We all have calendars. So that'll work out great, 'cause we all have one.

Jake: All right, here's the plan, we stage a fight. It escalates, and I flip over the table in dramatic fashion.
Amy: Do we need the table flip?
Jake: Amy, when the opportunity presents itself to flip-a da table, uh, you flip-a da table.

Amy: So, Rachel, how did you guys meet?
Rachel: Oh. (LAUGHS) Such a wild story. So I was on an elevator and so was Teddy.
Jake: Oh, that's the whole story.
Rosa: I think it's romantic.

Jake: Okay, the plan is clear. Sarge, you divorce Sharon, abandon your children, get back together with that monster. The precinct is saved.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not leaving my family.
Jake: Come on! You didn't even consider it!