Jake: Okay! We're gonna start off in teams. I'm sure everyone could use the extra help since this year's heist was so spur of the moment and no one had time to plan anything too complicated.
[flashback: 12 days before the heist:]
Jake: This year's plan is insanely complicated. Check it out.
[present:]
Jake: We will be selecting our partners with the help of a beloved Nine-Nine fixture, the big bag of loose teeth.
Rosa: What the hell?
Amy: Are those human?
Jake: It's evidence from a century of bar brawls. The story of New York is in this bag.
Sergeant Jeffords: The story of New York is gross.
Jake: Yeah, Terry, we live in a hell-mouth. Now, in this bag is a tooth with each of your initials on it. Who wants to root around inside and pick a partner?
Rosa: I'm not putting my hand in a bag of dirty, old teeth.
Jake: It's not dirt, it's old blood and dried phlegm. Who's in? No one? Are you really all that squeamish?
[flashback:]
Jake: Of course they're all that squeamish. It's part of my plan. I'll volunteer to reach into the bag so I can rig the selection process using...
this magnet. Pretty dope, right? I've also added metal fillings to certain teeth to ensure we get the pairings that we want.

Charles: Wait, if Terry's out, that means...
Jake: Oh, yeah. It's you and me, buddy.
[flashback:]
Amy: But I don't get it. Why don't you want us to be on the same team?
Jake: Because, Amy, no one can know that we're working together.
Amy: Smart. And Charles will never be suspicious because he'll be so excited to be your teammate.
Jake: Yeah, that sweet little dumbass.

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Captain Holt: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Captain Holt: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

Jake: And this golden vessel is from the precinct's old pneumatic tube system. It's been outfitted with a time-release lock set for midnight. Whoever has the medal at that time will be the winner. [pneumatic tube whooshing] Now, let the Last Day Heist begin.
[flashback:]
Amy: It's an amazing plan, babe.
Jake: Thank you very much. And everyone's gonna be so shocked when they find out the big surprise: that I'm leaving the Nine-Nine.
Amy: What did you just say?
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: Where do you take your dad when you want to go some place special?
Charles: We got to Csaba. It's a Hungarian restaurant that serves tal ezer Kolbsz. It's a platter of a thousand sausages.
Jake: Euch.
Charles: It's symbolic of our manhood.
Jake: Okay, should have saved the euch till then.

Jake: [sighs] Well, I guess this is it. So long, Nine-Nine. [turns off lights]
Janitor: Hey!
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing? You can't turn off the lights at a working police precinct!
Jake: Right, sorry. Got caught up in my own thing. There we go.

Jake: I know you're making fun of me, but that sexy voice is really getting me going.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait, did you say your goodbye to the Nine-Nine? Where you going?
Jake: Uh, well, I was hoping that this would be a more dramatic moment accompanied by fireworks but... I'm leaving the NYPD.
Captain Holt: You are?
Rosa: What?
Gina: Theriouthly?
Sergeant Jeffords: For real?
Jake: Yeah. Today was my last day. And now it looks like it's gonna end with all of us locked in a storage facility.

Charles: He's gone, we're trapped!
Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard: Pardon me, excuse me. Did you just say we're trapped?
Jake: Who the hell are you?
Captain Holt: You don't recognize Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard? The associate principal cellist for the Berlin Philharmonic? She's my surprise celebrity.
Jake: Are you kidding me? You ruined my big goodbye to the Nine-Nine so we can listen to some nerd play a giant violin?
Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard: Shall I begin?
Jake: No.

Rosa: So, let's crown me. The Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. [opens tube] A six-month subscription to the Rosetta Stone?
Captain Holt: That's my present for Peralta.
Jake: Your present to me is school? I'm glad you're leaving.

Jake: Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the Don't Talk To Strangers poster.

Amy: Oh, my God. You're awake. I can't believe it, you're actually awake.
Jake: Hey. Wait a minute. What's going on? I gotta get back to the heist.
Amy: No, the heist? Jake, you've been in a coma for seven years.
Jake: What?

Amy: You're cutting me out? This is about you wanting fireworks, isn't it?
Jake: Oh, Amy, it's about so much more than that.
[later:]
Jake: It's one million percent just about the fireworks.
Charles: Those look very dangerous.
Jake: No, it'll be fine. We're not gonna be anywhere near when it goes off. You control the whole thing from your phone.
Charles: How do you know when it's armed?
Jake: The red light starts blinking.
Charles: Like that one?
Jake: Uh-oh, uh, uh... you know what? This is okay, this is okay. I can just turn it off using the app. "Set up your profile first?" Why? How many times am I gonna use a fireworks app?
Charles: It started counting down!
Jake: Name, email. "Select the squares with stop signs in them?"
Charles: Okay, Jake, we gotta go!
Jake: Is a stop light a stop sign? Charles, is a stop light a stop sign?
Charles: I don't know, they both require full stops! Jake, come on!
Jake: All right, I'm in. No, "username already taken?" Who would want to use "Jake?" [countdown beeping] Oh, no.

Caleb: For the record, I'm not a cannibal anymore. My new passion is needlepoint embroidery. Look at these. Two parrots in love. A turtle with a monocle and a top hat.
Jake: Wow, it's so intricate. How do you... [leans forward]
Caleb: Ahh!
Jake: Oh, no, no!
Caleb: Okay, you got me. I was gonna eat you. That's still my thing. It's even affected my needlepoint. Look at this. Liver. A heart. Butt. An arm. Mmm. Oh, and there's this one that your delicious-looking lieutenant asked me to do.
Jake: The third clue. "Where the devil lies, you'll find your prize."
Captain Holt: Well... [chuckles] I know where the devil lies.

Amy: Yeah, we gotta call Terry.
Charles: Already on it. It's going straight to voicemail.
Jake: No problem, I actually installed malware on his phone in case he started heisting. I have access to his microphone and speaker.
[meanwhile:]
Deputy Chief Williams: So, Lieutenant Jeffords, can you handle the increased responsibility of being a captain?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm glad you asked. I'm very responsible.
Jake: [on phone] Terry! Terry! Terry, it's Jake and the squad calling from your butt. Terry, Terry, Terry!
Deputy Chief Williams: I'm sorry, what's happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't hear anything.
Jake: Terry, answer your butt. Answer your butt. Answer your butt. Don't ignore your butt, Terry! Terry, come on, it'll just take a second. We just need the final clue.
Sergeant Jeffords: [quietly] A perfect world, a time of bliss, a loving and inspiring kiss.
Jake: We can't hear you. Please speak directly into your butt.
Sergeant Jeffords: A perfect world, a time of bliss, a loving and inspiring kiss.
Jake: Wonderful! Thank you, Terry, that is all.