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Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: Yeah, they're trapped in there.
Rosa: Oh no, that means we have to call the fire department. [gags]
Jake: Or, hear me out, we leave them in there forever, and move on emotionally.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: All right, you stay here. Charles, we're going in. Bedroom's clear.
Charles: The kitchen's clear. Did you see anything suspicious?
Jake: Nothing, except for these laughing Jesus paintings everywhere. Why is he in front of a tepee?
Charles: I don't know. The one in the kitchen has him at the last supper, but all the apostles are McDonald's characters.
Jake: Which one's Judas?
Both: The Hamburglar.
Jake: Knew it as soon as I asked.

Quote from the episode The Golden Child

Camila Santiago: You never cease to impress me, David.
Jake: Hey, speaking of impressive, Amy just went to the NYPD shooting range and received a gold certification in marksmanship.
David Santiago: Oh, I just got the platinum certification.
Jake: What? That exists? What did you do, curve the bullets, "Wanted"-style?
David Santiago: Yeah, I don't know what "Wanted" is. I don't follow pop culture. But I fired ten shots, and they all went into the same hole.
Jake: Oh, so you actually did.

Quote from the episode The Good Ones

Rosa: But I'm getting more clients. I just got a new job this morning. A woman was assaulted by two police officers in the Seven-Four.
Jake: Oh. Well, that's horrible. Wait, the Seven-Four. I know the captain there. She was my sergeant before I transferred to the Nine-Nine. I could talk to her. She can help.
Rosa: Nah, I doubt that.
Jake: You know, the system can still work sometimes when good people are involved.
Rosa: Is that why you want to help, so you can make some point about policing?
Jake: No. I'm not some point maker, shot taker, making girls hot like oats with Quaker.
Rosa: Hey, man, you're rapping.
Jake: Yeah, I had to see where it was going.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: You check the bathroom?
Charles: No, where is it?
Dr. Frederick Tate: It's right over there.
Charles: Clear.
Jake: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, Dr. Tate, we will meet you back at the car. We just want to check some things out for one more minute. [closing the door on him]
Jake: Did you notice that?
Charles: The painting in the bathroom of Jesus standing over a vent with his robe blowing up like Marilyn Monroe?
Jake: No. Dr. Tate is the killer.

Quote from the episode The Good Ones

Rosa: Hey, my client's in the conference room, but before we go in there, it wasn't easy getting her to agree to talk with a cop, so don't be too cop-ish. Just be normal.
Jake: Got it, normal, not too cop-ish. Won't be a problem. [as Mrs. Doubtfire] Helloooo!
Aisha: Yeah, this is not gonna work.
Jake: [normal voice] Sorry, you just gave me too many notes. I got in my head.
Let me start over, please. Ms. Fulton, hello. I'm Detective Peralta. I know you're nervous about talking to a cop, which I totally get, but rest assured, I'm one of the good ones. And I know how that sounds, but I'm not one of the bad ones who says they're one of the good ones. I'm actually one of the good ones who says they're one of the good ones. And I know how that sounds...
Aisha: Does he just keep going until someone stops him?
Jake & Rosa: Yes.

Quote from the episode The Good Ones

Captain Lamazar: Look, I want to help, but the problem is, we have no proof of what really happened.
Rosa: Let me guess, their body cam footage was mysteriously corrupted.
Captain Lamazar: Yeah, they probably tampered with it, but between us, there was a rookie there, Janice Lee. If you can get her to confirm your client's story, I can help you. Here's her address.
Jake: Great. See, Rosa, this couldn't be any easier.
[later:]
Frank O'Sullivan: Frank O'Sullivan, head of the Patrolmen's Union, and there is no way on God's green earth that you're ever talking to anyone involved in this case.
Jake: I mean... I guess it could be a little easier.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: I bet he was sleeping with Susan. Therapists are always having affairs with their patients.
Charles: That's not true.
Jake: Oh, really? Tell that to the ten minutes of "Bikini Shrink" I watched on Cinemax when I was 13. Dr. Juggs was insatiable.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Paula: Okay, we have you set up here. We have a VR experience down the hall where you can fly like a bird, and if you need anything else just buzz and one of our butlers will assist you.
Jake: This place is amazing. It's like a dream factory.
Amy: We're investigating a sexual assault that occurred in these offices.
Jake: Right, of course. I know. This is how people get tempted by the devil. I see what you're up to, platter of tiny quiches.

Quote from the episode The Lake House

Jake: Captain Holt is in pain, and we need to help him get back together with Kevin.
Amy: No, we don't. Holt is a very private person. We shouldn't get involved.
Jake: Okay, you guys probably don't know this, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up.
Amy: Yeah, we know.
Charles: Oh, my God.
Jake: What, do I talk about it a lot? It doesn't matter. The point is, we can't let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.
Rosa: So we're just dispensing with subtext now?
Jake: Yes, this workplace is my family... was that not clear? Holt is my dad, you're my mean older sister, Amy's my mom.
Amy: What?
Jake: What did I say?
Amy: You said, "Amy is my mom."
Jake: Nobody said anything! We don't have time for this, Amy. Now, who's gonna help me Parent Trap Holt and Kevin? Seriously? Nobody's on board with my scheme? Is it because I called it a scheme? I can say something different. Nobody's on board with my stratagem?

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Anyways, it turns out he never worked at the Philadelphia PD.
Captain Holt: So he's a liar and a hussy? Why is he still here?
Jake: Because I started thinking, why would he lie? And the answer is: because he's a spy, planted here by Commissioner Kelly. Think about it. You've been rounding up all the captains who oppose him. Kelly wants those names. Gordon was sent here to seduce you. He's a red sparrow.
Captain Holt: You mean a honeypot.
Jake: Potato, tomato, but yes. He is the world's most boring sex spy, and he's here to infiltrate the Nine-Nine.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Captain Holt: No, this is just you still trying to make everything into a movie. This is the real world, Peralta. There are no spies in our midst. I'm sure Gordon just lied on his resume to get a job.
Jake: Oh, really? Then how come he's in this old staff photo from the Three-Six?
Captain Holt: Kelly's old precinct? You're right. Gordon's a honeypot.
Jake: Or a red sparrow.
Captain Holt: Buzz, buzz, little bee.
Jake: Fly, bird, fly.
Captain Holt: Buzz.
Jake: Fly.
Captain Holt: Buzz.
Jake: Fly.
Captain Holt: Buzz.
Jake: Fly.
Jake: The point is, we're on the same page. He's a spy.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Or we can launch a counter-spying mission.
Captain Holt: I just want him out of the Nine-Nine.
Jake: If we can prove that Kelly sent a spy into one of his own precincts to seduce a captain, it's gonna look really bad for him.
Captain Holt: And how will we prove that?
Jake: With Operation: Dragon. Don't Reveal Anything, Gordon's Our Nemesis.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: I worked so hard on that acronym. You're not even going to acknowledge it?

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Yeah, well, I didn't fire him because I thought you were being crazy and I wanted to change your mind, so I called all the places he used to work.
Captain Holt: You didn't do that before you brought him in?
Jake: What? No, you check references after there's a problem. That's hiring 101.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Captain Holt: Have you reviewed the contents of Gordon's computer? Did you find anything?
Jake: Uh, well, hem, haw-
Captain Holt: Are you literally saying "hem" and "haw"?

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