Jake: Ah, good morning, Captain Holt. You're looking refreshed.
Captain Holt: Interesting. I didn't sleep a wink. Let's just say Kevin no longer has me in the guest room.
Jake: Nice. My two dads, straight smashin' it. Sorry, that came out weird. Title of your sex tape.

Captain Holt: And now on to new business. Peralta, there's a case I'd like you to handle. Methodist Hospital called this morning. Apparently, a 38-year-old investment banker was admitted last night with a broken penis.It looks like-
Jake: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's a finance guy with a broken dong? Uh, methinks some "Wolf of Wall Street" style shenana-googles have taken place this day. Anyone care to wager a guess as to how this happened?

Jake: And you're wrong because he was clearly driving his Bentley naked, tried to pee out the window, and was then struck by a goose on the wang. Is that what happened, sir? Was he struck by a goose?
Captain Holt: He was actually struck by a female coworker who claims he attempted to sexually assault her. [all groan]
Jake: I really wish you had stopped us before we started guessing.
Captain Holt: I'm not responsible for that.

Captain Holt: Santiago and Peralta, talk to both parties. Get to the bottom of this broken penis.
Jake: Wait. I just want to say I think it's sad that we as a society can no longer laugh at the phrase "broken penis," and it is my dream that we one day shall again. Team Broken Penis on three. One, two, three-
Scully: Broken penis!
Jake: Yeah, probably should've seen that coming.

Amy: Mr. Haggerty, please have a seat. Oh, you can stand if that's more comfortable.
Seth Haggerty: No, it's cool. The doctor said I need to change positions frequently so I don't form a penile clot.
Jake: Oh, I'm not gonna barf- So on that note, please explain the events that led to your diaper.

Seth Haggerty: So last night I was giving my coworker, Keri, some pointers on her trades. Told her "lever up on VTC. There's no fat tail on the vol's wicked low." I just didn't want her to chump it.
Jake: Right, and you spoke that way because you were ... snowboarding?
Seth Haggerty: No, we were in my office.
Jake: Yeah.

Amy: Thank you for coming in, Ms. Brennan. Can you describe your working relationship with Mr. Haggerty?
Keri Brennan: Absolutely. Seth hired me three years ago to help with large-scale statistical arbitrage and ever since we've been at a steady 18% yield.
Jake: I didn't know most of those words, but I'm assuming it means you're good at business.
Keri Brennan: I am good. I brought in $168 million to the firm last quarter.
Jake: Wow, that's a lot of money. Where do you keep it all? It's in a computer.
I've watched too much "DuckTales."
Keri Brennan: No, you can never watch too much "DuckTales." It's my dream to have a gold coin pool.
Jake: Like Scrooge McD. Continue.

Amy: Can you tell us what happened?
Keri Brennan: I was working late, and he called me into his office. He had clearly been drinking, and before I knew it, he pushed me into a desk and he tried to take my clothes off. So I grabbed his stupid golf club and I hit him in the Cookie Monster, which is what he calls his penis, by the way.
Amy: Gross.
Keri Brennan: He's the worst. My only regret is that I didn't get in two extra whacks for each of his testicles.
Jake: What does he call those? Bert and Ernie?
Keri Brennan: You are actually correct.
Jake: Ugh, I hate that I got that right.

Paula: Okay, we have you set up here. We have a VR experience down the hall where you can fly like a bird, and if you need anything else just buzz and one of our butlers will assist you.
Jake: This place is amazing. It's like a dream factory.
Amy: We're investigating a sexual assault that occurred in these offices.
Jake: Right, of course. I know. This is how people get tempted by the devil. I see what you're up to, platter of tiny quiches.

Camila Santiago: You never cease to impress me, David.
Jake: Hey, speaking of impressive, Amy just went to the NYPD shooting range and received a gold certification in marksmanship.
David Santiago: Oh, I just got the platinum certification.
Jake: What? That exists? What did you do, curve the bullets, "Wanted"-style?
David Santiago: Yeah, I don't know what "Wanted" is. I don't follow pop culture. But I fired ten shots, and they all went into the same hole.
Jake: Oh, so you actually did.

David Santiago: I'm glad you guys are here. So this place is run by the Brazilian mob. My CI tells me there's a ledger with all the cops on payroll hidden in here somewhere.
Amy: I'm guessing it's in that room surrounded by armed guards.
Jake: Those are guards? I thought they were models.

Amy: What, afraid to use your forearms?
David Santiago: Pretty good. You're not using enough elbow!
Jake: Guys, those aren't the parts people feature when they dance.

Jake: You're under arrest, you beautiful man. Cuff this son of a bitch. Oh, my God, you also smell so good. [laughs] Brazil!

Amy: You were defending my honor. And I'm glad you said something.
Jake: So should I go back and apologize to your mom?
Amy: Oh, hell no. We're sneaking out the back.
Jake: Oh, thank God. She is terrifying. See ya at Thanksgiving, Mrs. Santiago.

Jake: Hey, guys. I'm just coming from work with my friend Billy Hanukkah.
Charles: Hanukkah.
Jake: It's fine. Kids don't know which names are weird.