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Quote from the episode Gintars

Jake: Okay, well, that was fun. Hey, why don't you go play over there, buddy? You can take this drug store receipt. It's very long and filled with coupons. You can fly it around like a kite.
Nikolaj: Whee!
Jake: Wow, kids are really basic. Is being a dad super easy?

Quote from the episode Gintars

Jake: Hey there, bud. I got you your favorite tea: duck broth.
Charles: Thanks. You know me so well. But I'm too sad to drink duck broth.
Jake: Wow, I never thought I'd hear you or anyone say that.

Quote from the episode Gintars

Charles: I just don't want Nikolaj to see him again. I don't want him turning into a Gintars.
Jake: You have nothing to worry about. Nikolaj is already a mini Charles. He's an eight-year-old boy whose favorite movie is "Bullets Over Broadway".

Quote from the episode Gintars

Jake: Charles, can I tell you a story?
Charles: Always.
Jake: All right. When I was 10, my dad started dating this woman, Leeza. My mom hated her. But my dad wanted us to bond, so one day he took me and Leeza to the mall and dropped us off. She proceeds to steal a ton of blouses from Ann Taylor and then immediately makes me go back in and exchange them for store credit. Then, to celebrate, I get to pull Leeza's Cinnabon apart because her nails are too long and curly to do it herself.
Charles: Ugh.
Jake: Point being, nothing has ever made me love my own mother more than the time I spent with Leeza. Gintars is Leeza. You are my mom.
Charles: I can't believe I get to be Karen. What an honor!

Quote from the episode Gintars

Jake: Do you wanna know why I won't take off my towel? It's because I'm embarrassed about what's underneath.
Gintars: Mutilated penis?
Jake: Ye...p. That is it. You guessed it on the first try. That's what's under there. The old- The old mute peen.
Gintars: I am so sorry about your penis.
Jake: It's a bummer.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Charles: Jakey, I've got a hot case for you.
Jake: Ooh, hit me.
Charles: Okay, Susan Buckley was reported missing by her psychiatrist, Dr. William Tate. He thinks that her husband James may have had a mental break and done something terrible to her.
Jake: Ooh, that is a hot case. Missing woman, psycho husband, creepy shrink.
Charles: Dr. Tate was actually quite a nice man.
Jake: Yeah, but you know, he's a psychiatrist, so he's automatically a creep. I've seen movies. They all turn into super sophisticated, Chianti-loving cannibals.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: Oh, that guy looks like he's wearing a skin mask over his own face, so I'm guessing it's Dr. Tate.
Charles: He has a normal man's face, Jake.
Jake: Yes, he does have a normal man's face, stretched out over his own face, because he is a Hannibal.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: Hi there. Dr. Tate, I presume.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Yes. Hi, nice to meet you. Uh, which one of you is in charge?
Jake: Let the mind games begin.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Excuse me?

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Dr. Frederick Tate: Are you normally so cavalier around murder investigations?
Charles: Yes, we see a lot of darkness in our line of work, and humor is one of our coping mechanisms. It's self-preservation through disassociation.
Jake: What the [bleep]?
Charles: It's something I've been working on with my therapist.
Jake: Well, I act like this because I'm cool and fun and people like being around me.
Dr. Frederick Tate: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to trigger you.
Jake: Okay, Doc, you're not in your office. You don't have to use words like "triggered" or "in denial."
Dr. Frederick Tate: I didn't say "in denial." Are you in denial?
Jake: No, I am not, and before you say anything, I don't want to sleep with my mom either.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Now, why would you bring that up unprompted?
Jake: What? You prompted it.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Charles: Jake, there's a body over here.
Jake: Oh, thank God. I mean, "Oh, no, death." I mean, I don't want to sleep with my mom, okay?

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: I know this is the wrong takeaway from this case board, but I really love the new yarn you're using.
Charles: There are sparkles in it.
Jake: I noticed.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: All right, you stay here. Charles, we're going in. Bedroom's clear.
Charles: The kitchen's clear. Did you see anything suspicious?
Jake: Nothing, except for these laughing Jesus paintings everywhere. Why is he in front of a tepee?
Charles: I don't know. The one in the kitchen has him at the last supper, but all the apostles are McDonald's characters.
Jake: Which one's Judas?
Both: The Hamburglar.
Jake: Knew it as soon as I asked.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: You check the bathroom?
Charles: No, where is it?
Dr. Frederick Tate: It's right over there.
Charles: Clear.
Jake: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, Dr. Tate, we will meet you back at the car. We just want to check some things out for one more minute. [closing the door on him]
Jake: Did you notice that?
Charles: The painting in the bathroom of Jesus standing over a vent with his robe blowing up like Marilyn Monroe?
Jake: No. Dr. Tate is the killer.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Jake: I bet he was sleeping with Susan. Therapists are always having affairs with their patients.
Charles: That's not true.
Jake: Oh, really? Tell that to the ten minutes of "Bikini Shrink" I watched on Cinemax when I was 13. Dr. Juggs was insatiable.

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, wow, strong words for someone who is clearly scared to talk about his own issues.
Jake: I'm not scared, okay? For example, I had an issue with texting while driving, but I fixed it. Now I just don't look at my phone while I type.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Case in point. Just know that you died without saying anything real.
Jake: Okay, okay, okay! Stop. Fine, you want something real? I tried therapy.
It only made things worse.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Uh-huh. Go on.
Jake: When I was a kid, I was acting out at school, so they made me and my parents do family counseling, but instead of helping me with my problems, the stupid therapist just brought up all my parents' issues. And once it was all out in the open, they fought all the time and eventually got divorced, and everything good in my life just went away.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Interesting. So you actually blame yourself for your parents' divorce?
Jake: No, I blame the therapy, which we only had to do because I- Oh, my God. I do blame myself. [choking up] Oh, here come the waterworks.

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