Rosa: I saw it go down. It was one of you, so ya banned.
Amy: No way. This microwave belongs to the entire precinct, so I'm nah-banned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, turns out, this microwave is not precinct property.
Detective O'Shea brought it from home back in '98, so-
Rosa: Ya banned.

Sergeant Jeffords: I went to visit O'Shea's widow.
Amy: He's dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Big-time. She is not over it. Anyway, I got her to sign a contract that states the upstairs has exclusive microwave rights.
Amy: You bothered a widow with this?
Sergeant Jeffords: Honestly, it wasn't that awkward for me. Rosa did it.
Rosa: It was rough, but she signed it, so ya banned.

Rosa: I can't even think about eating. Smells like the brim of Scully's hat in here.

Rosa: Jake, this guy saw the perp. We have to get him in front of a sketch artist.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I'm feeling it now, Rosa. At this time tomorrow, we're gonna know exactly what our killer looks like.
[later:]
Rosa: We have no idea what our killer looks like.
Jake: Well, that's not totally true. We now know that the killer might look like Seth Myers, Winona Ryder, or Bilbo Baggins.
Rosa: The delivery guy kept starting over. Apparently, he's always high.

Jake: Okay, so there's us arriving. Oh, man, is that how I walk?
Rosa: Yes.
Jake: Should I change how I walk?
Rosa: Yes.
Jake: All right. Wait. Go back.
Rosa: Jake, we don't have time to fix your walk. It's gonna take a lot of work, and we're very busy.

Sergeant Jeffords: What I want to talk about is how our office has turned into a junkyard.
Charles: Yeah, you know, this place is a mess. I mean, it's like an episode of "Hoarders."
Rosa: And not one of the funny ones, where they find a bunch of flat cats.

Captain Holt: I'll ask Commissioner Kelly to approve your initial request for an FBI lab team.
Rosa: That won't be necessary. I solved the case. And the flies actually came in handy.
[cut to Rosa with a perp in the interrogation room:]
Rosa: These have been genetically engineered to detect blood, and there's a whole swarm of them at your apartment right now with Dr.Ronald Yee. The flies don't lie.
[now:]
Rosa: He confessed immediately.

Woman: Hey, you're the girl from the diarrhea commercial, aren't you? You get diarrhea on the plane.
Sheena: That's not true.
Rosa: Yeah, move along.
Sheena: I don't get diarrhea on the plane. I get diarrhea in the airport.
Captain Holt: What's going on? Are you an actor?
Sheena: Well, you don't have to sound so grossed out. I can see why you didn't want him meeting Jocelyn.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Rosa: This isn't Jocelyn. It's Sheena. She's an actress.
Sheena: Yeah, I was in an episode of "SVU." I say, "We want answers!" The director tried to replace me, but Mariska said it would take too much time, and then they all agreed I'd probably cut together fine.

Amy: Hey, look, um I don't want you to get caught in the middle of this stuff between me and Jake. I don't want you to choose sides.
Rosa: Already chose. I'm with you.
Amy: Really? I didn't know you wanted kids.
Rosa: I don't know if I'll ever want kids, but you should have them. They're so cute. It's [bleep] up.
Amy: Aw, it is [bleep] up.

Rosa: You want to break up? But I just met your college friends. Are you telling me I had to talk to Matt for nothing?
Jake: Rosa.
Jocelyn: I thought you liked Matt.
Rosa: Matt is a nightmare. He kept saying "hashtag tell me about it."

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I don't know. That feels underhanded.
Rosa: It's never underhanded to help somebody follow their dream. Yesterday, I was watching "Ellen," and she had this woman on who wanted to be a chef, but she didn't have any taste buds, so she quit her job, hired her best friend to be her taste tester. And now they have the best taco truck in Lansing. It was inspiration as [bleep].

Jake: So Jimmy Jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We could play for Katie's number.
Rosa: No. Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy Jabs?
Jake: No. Yes. Why? What gave it away?
Rosa: You said, "aha" and snapped your fingers.

Rosa: Okay, relax, You're probably not pregnant, it's entirely possible Hitchcock's cologne disrupted your cycle.
Amy: Right, yes. That is a very real possibility.

Jake: Stop, we have an emergency! Everybody stop what you're about to do.
Amy: Yeah, but I gotta pee really bad.
Jake: Well, hold it, Amy. Holt's not answering his radio. I think he and Debbie might be in trouble.
Rosa: It's just us, man, you don't have to pretend to care about Debbie.
Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa!
Rosa: What? We barely know her and she's annoying. She's always trying to get people to be friends with her on that weird app for pedicures.

Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm gonna send him my favorite GIF of Mr. Bean giving a thumbs up. Oh, Mr. Bean. What a stud. Hey Rosa, what would you do if you could do anything to Mr. Bean?
Rosa: Nothing.
Jake: Come on, Rosa. Don't be shy. Say what you would do to international sex symbol Mr. Bean's body.
Rosa: Fine. I would take a very large glass... [continuous beep] Let himself out.
Jake: I see.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Wow. Um, I just have one quick note, Mr. Bean never [bleep] beg for mercy.