Scully: Aw, this ice cream is melting.
Hitchcock: Who cares? We can drink melted ice cream. We can't eat spoiled ham. We have to prioritize!
Scully: What if we combine them? Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito.
Hitchcock: This man. This man is my best friend.
Rosa: You two are the worst people to have around in an emergency. I literally can't imagine a scenario where you'd be helpful.
Scully: Murder at a Cinnabon. Who would you call?
Rosa: Someone who wouldn't be distracted by the frosting.
Scully: Yeah, I do love that frosting.

Rosa: Okay, look, you two are always complaining about work regulations, so I'm guessing you know your way around the Patrolmen's Union. I need your help to break in.
Scully: You bet. Those bastards are everything that's wrong with policing.
Hitchcock: [on video chat] Their dress policy's insane. You have to wear a shirt at all times. Yuck!
Rosa: Just tell me how I can get to O'Sullivan's office undetected.
Scully: No problem. He goes to lunch at 12:30, so that's your window. At 12:45, the mail is delivered. The guard at the desk always flirts with the mail woman, so he'll be distracted. Then go down the main hall. This is important. It's your last bathroom stop on the whole floor. It's unisex and handicap, so you get that bad boy all to yourself.
Hitchcock: [on video chat] Tell her about toilet paper.
Rosa: Stop talking about bathrooms.
Scully: Fine. Pee your pants. What do I care? Go to the last office on the right and you're there.

Scully: Oh, hey, Captain Holt, do you have the Wi-Fi network? I need to Facetime with Hitchcock.
Captain Holt: Oh, there's no internet at the Lake House.
Scully: Then I'm alone.
Sergeant Jeffords: We're all here.
Scully: So you'll do the 64-round tournament Hitchcock and I designed to determine the best flavor of potato chip?
Captain Holt: No, that sounds like hell.

Scully: Oh, hey, Amy. Starting round three. You wanna try New Mexico-style Chile Verde?
Amy: Uh, my hands are kind of full here, Scully.
Scully: I can toss it to you. [throws chip]
Amy: Wha... Scully, don't throw chips at my baby!

Rosa: Okay, Barbecue.
Scully: Mm-hmm.
Rosa: Sweet Maui Onion, and the surprising underdog, Original.
Scully: I think I'm ready to crown a Chipeon.
Rosa: Chipeon? That's good.
Scully: Yeah, I came up with it because I misspoke. [both laugh]

Captain Holt: Wait. I may not have to deal with you. Santiago, how's prong two looking?
Amy: Well, the good news is the Scully-and-Hitchcocks actually work well together.
Captain Holt: That is good news.
Amy: The bad news is it's at making a back-scratch circle.
Scully: I always wondered what it would be like to have a tight-knit work family. Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!

Amy: These are pedometers, which will prove that you're actually walking your beat. [detectives groan] But whoever gets the most steps in will receive seven days of overtime. Therefore, you'll be one week closer to retirement.
Scully: And one week closer to a couple's massage with your best friend on his sex barge. [detectives cheering]

Amy: I need your help. Our arrests are still way down. But according to the pedometers, our Hitchcock-and-Scullys are out there logging miles on the beat. How are they not seeing crimes?
Hitchcock: [on video call] How do you know they're walking?
Amy: I just told you... Their pedometer numbers are through the roof.
Scully: Oh, poor, simple Amy. It's like you've ever had to mess with a medical device in order to trick your life insurance agent. Watch and learn.
[cut to Scully and Amy standing outside a massage chair store filled with police officers:]
Amy: They're just using the massage chairs to jiggle their pedometers.
Hitchcock: Life always finds a way.
Amy: To do what?
Scully: To do nothing.

Scully: Oh, Amy, what is that enchanting new perfume?
Amy: It's syrup, Scully.
Scully: And it is working. Hmm-hmm.
Jake: I think you just made Scully horny.
Amy: Ugh.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, it's our favorite time of year. Cagney and Lacey's annual school candy drive! I took the liberty of duplicating your order from last year. Simply sign at the X, and I'll get it placed for you.
Scully: Oh, about that, I don't know if I'm gonna buy anything from you this year.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? But we've been in business together since pre-K.
Charles: I know, but there's someone else.
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone else?
Scully: It's not you. It's me. My taste in candy changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, everyone goes through rough patches, but we can't give up. You owe it to Cagney and Lacey.
Scully: Please don't bring the kids into this.
Sergeant Jeffords: The kids are a part of it whether you like it or not. Who are you buying from? Tell me, now!
Charles: The other man is me. Nikolaj is selling candy this year, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're cheating on me with Boyle?

Scully: What the heck? This isn't my order.
Sergeant Jeffords: What, did they give you sour straws instead of sour ropes? I specifically said...
Scully: No, it's just apples! Terry, you sick son of a bitch.

Jake: Holt will be playing with Norm Scully.
Rosa: His name is Norm?
Scully: My name is Norm?
Captain Holt: We don't have to break into teams this year.
Scully: You're lucky. Hitchcock's with me, so you're actually getting two partners.
Hitchcock: [on video call] Three if you include my donkey friend. Say hello to the team, Donkey Scully.
Scully: He named him after me!

Captain Holt: Enough talk. I'm getting that tube. Where'd it go?
Sergeant Jeffords: That tube has been whisked off to a secret location which only I know. And since I'm not competing, I've agreed to help out. I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane.
Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears.
Charles: Prince Charles.
Jake: No.

Captain Holt: Let's be honest, we're not young men.
Scully: Speak for yourself. My doctor said I'm in my twilight years.
Captain Holt: That means you're close to death.
Scully: But it has such a pretty name.

Captain Holt: We have to go fix this. Your career is more important than a game. Scully, you're in charge of the heist until I get back. Keep an eye on that tube.
Scully: Yes! Hitchcock, this is our chance to show everyone what we're made of... [picks up tablet] Oh, it's you. Donkey Scully, go find Hitchcock.