Scully: For those of you that don't know me, my name is Norm Scully. Hitchcock is my partner, and he's also my best friend. He buys the bear claws I like when we're on a stakeout or when we're just in the office or at home. I love him. Anna Rubov, do you promise to love and cherish Michael Hitchcock as much as I've loved him?
Anna Rubov: I do.
Scully: And, Michael Hitchcock, do you agree to shower Anna with the same love and kindness you've shown me these 30 wonderful years together?
Hitchcock: I do.
Sergeant Jeffords: Dang. Terry didn't know this was gonna be so sweet.
Scully: You may now kiss the bride.
[Anna and Hitchcock share a kiss, then he pulls Scully into a tight hug]

Captain Holt: Where should we begin? Do you have any experience with puzzles?
Scully: Yes. I've never solved one.

Jake: Was it hard to get through the door?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm strong as hell. The hard part was getting this bracelet off Scully's wrist. How can you even feel your hand with this thing so tight?
Scully: You're supposed to feel your hands?

Captain Holt: What are you trying to tell us? Is this some kind of a clue?
Woman: (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Rosa: Draw better. We have no idea what this is.
Scully: I think it's a cookie.
Hitchcock: No. It's a pizza.
Both: (GASP) It's a cookie pizza!
Scully: Another case solved.

Jake: All right, David is perfect, but so are you. Let's just go tonight, and I'll be your hype man. You know how good I am at talking you up. Here, watch. Hey, Scully. Did you know that Amy is super cool?
Scully: No way. Can I get your autograph, ma'am?
Jake: See?
Amy: Fine, we'll go.
Scully: What, too stuck up for your fans? Ya friggin' turd!

Scully: I found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.

Scully: What's this meeting about? Did someone find my meatball sub?
Jake: A, we would never have a meeting about that. B, you are holding it.
Scully: Oh. [chuckles] Meeting adjourned.
Rosa: Meeting's not over, dummy.

Jake: Heads!
Scully: What the? [catches d-hole in his mouth] It's finally happening!

Scully: Yeah, Sarge. If Jake wants to pay for us to have a fun night out, let's not stop him.
Jake: I'm not paying for it. We're splitting it.
Scully: Well, then, I'm with Terry. This wedding's a sham.

Scully: Come on, guys. Getting back at people isn't what Christmas is all about. It's about being together, as a family. So you can plot your petty revenge, but I, for one, am gonna carol my heart out.
Rosa: I'm sorry, I didn't hear a word you just said. That stain on your pants looks exactly like Bryan Cranston.
Amy: That's who it is.
Captain Holt: Ooh, that's right.
Rosa: Yeah, been staring at it for an hour.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's it.

Rosa: Ugh, why won't this dumb monitor turn on?
Scully: Because you can't work without your hands.
Hitchcock: Trust us. If you could do this job without lifting a finger, we would've already cracked it.
Scully: Because we're lazy boys.

Captain Julie Kim: Oh, Michael, Norm, I didn't realize you arrived. Come with me, I want to make an introduction.
Scully: Don't worry, Jake. You're our friend. We're on your side no matter- Holy crap! Look at those chairs.
Captain Julie Kim: I know you two like to sit, and these are the most comfortable chairs ever. Give 'em a try.
Both: Ohh.

Captain Holt: Brad, my funny friend, we don't need this training. We don't have any workplace conflicts.
Brad Portenburg: Oh, there's always conflict somewhere. Now, it could be something small, like a pet peeve, or-
Scully: Hitchcock slept with my wife, Kelly, in 1988!
Sergeant Jeffords: So Kelly was his wife, not his dog.

Rosa: Anyway, we can't let all this go to waste. Everybody, clear these chairs out of here, and let's get this party started.
Hitchcock: No, not the chairs!
Scully: Don't touch the chairs, you monsters!

Captain Holt: That's everything, but before we go home, but quick reminder that today is Sergeant Santiago's last day before maternity leave. [applause] We'll see you in three months.
Scully: She gets three months off? Can I take a maternity leave?
Jake: Are you giving birth to a baby?
Scully: I'm having a seven pound mass removed from my abdomen next week. [all groan]
Jake: Yeah, never ask Scully questions. That's on me, guys!