Sergeant Jeffords: I swear, if they mess up this case, Jake, it's on you.
Jake: They're detectives. They've been on the force for 500 years. They know what they're doing.
Sergeant Jeffords: The only item on Scully's calendar for the entire year is "eat peanut butter."
Jake: Yeah, we got to find them.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you just let him off with a warning? Sometimes, being as tough as possible doesn't lead to the best outcome.
Rosa: This isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. I'm not just gonna give him a time-out.
Sergeant Jeffords: Time-out? Are you kidding? "Poopy-head" means no "Doc McStuffins" for a week! Terry hates bathroom talk.

Adrian Pimento: I'd also like to make a toast.
Sergeant Jeffords: Easy on the dings, man. One ding'll do.

Kevin: I have an EpiPen back at the house. Would you call someone to have them bring it?
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no reception. I'll just run back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be? [runs] It's immediately awful!

Sergeant Jeffords: He said if we disobey him, there'll be tire consequences. I think he meant dire. Guy's real dumb.

Sergeant Jeffords: You still want to pretend you had nothing to do with this?
Doug Judy: I didn't, and she didn't either. Trudy Judy's not a car thief. Trudy Judy's an angel. She's putting herself through nursing school. And nurses are the best of our society. Name one bad nurse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nurse Ratched. Kathy Bates in "Misery." Nurse Jackie had a pill problem.
Doug Judy: Okay, damn, you got a lot of real good examples off the top of your head.

Jake: Terry. Terry. Terry, are you okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm fine. But that dog came right at me. And I have no idea why.
John Thereford: It looked like you had a lot of food in your pockets.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No. That's not true. This jacket never had any pockets. This is the style.
Ronald Palmer: Oh, my God. You did think I was poisoning you.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, you were the one who said he spent every day in prison dreaming of the day we'd meet again.
Ronald Palmer: So I could prove to you I'd changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: You said you put something extra in my food.
Ronald Palmer: Love.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you said it so creepy. Look, tone is everything, man.
Ronald Palmer: I've been talking to a cinder block wall for the last ten years. I'm sorry if my social skills leave something to be desired.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is a really good explanation.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, I left it in the car! It's not my fault. The driver was so hot. Not for me, for Rosa. She was clearly flirting with her. Oh, I know, I'll just call the company and bring her back here. And then who knows what'll happen?
Rosa: Wait a minute, did you do this intentionally so I'd have to see that girl again?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! That's crazy. This is Jake and Amy's wedding. I would never do that. But you gotta admit, it does seem like the universe is pushing you two together.
Rosa: Terry!

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, you are ready to be teaching others.
I made a call. You're going to be a mentor.
Amy: Oh my God. Sergeant, I'm so sorry for ever questioning your integrity. Thank you so much-
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, no, stand back. Look, I'm still very scared of you.

Gina: The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, Gina.
Gina: Ah, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who believes in you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.
Gina: My God, you're strong.

Jake: Why are you acting so weird?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm nervous. I'm gonna talk to Captain Holt about getting me more responsibility. Well, got to go. Die Hard. Explosions. Whatever.
Jake: Wait, no! Just when the conversation was getting interesting!

Sergeant Jeffords: I know it's crowded in there and they're not very considerate guests and they took my mouse and then they took my keyboard and then they took the whole computer. And when I had nothing else to give, they came for my yogurt. No, not just any yogurt. Full fat Greek with a touch of honey. That's a once a week treat!

Sergeant Jeffords: So, if we're gonna start a secret office on the roof, we need equipment. That means chairs, desks, printers, pens. But we gotta sneak it out, so we need a distraction.
Amy: Okay, here is what I'm thinking. We give that dog a bunch of chocolates. It dies.
While everyone celebrates-
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, Amy's too close to this.

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.
Scully: I don't know why this is happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I love it. Everyone follow his lead!

Sergeant Jeffords: Now the good ones. Rosa Diaz. Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.