Charles: How long were we asleep?
Sergeant Jeffords: Just long enough for me to squeeze in a quick work out. So like three hours.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, that guy's watching a video. No buffering. They got all the bars, Captain. All the bars!

Sergeant Jeffords: Let you play your mixtape? Get an iPod, man! Mixtape.

Sergeant Jeffords: Are you familiar with the story of Icarus? He didn't want to quit, he flew too close to the sun, his wax wings melted and he died.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here are the rules. No staring at your phones. No rolling in two hours late. No sweat pants, no jeans and no shorts.

Captain Holt: I'm worried our night shift morale problem has gotten worse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you think? I'm sorry. I'm exhausted. My wife says when I get tired, I get night sassy.
Captain Holt: Night sassy?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hearing problems, much? Sorry.

Sergeant Jeffords: So how's it going?
Amy: What do you want, Terry? Or are you just here to fan some more flames?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm just here to see who's losing and therefore has to wear this hat I made that says, "More Stupider." Fine, yeah, I'm fanning flames. Fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, Santiago.

Amy: Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch. You just ruined my life. I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nothing to see here. Just a little hypoglycaemic rage. Move along.

Sergeant Jeffords: No more loans. You already owe me way too much. The Bank of Terry is closed.
Jake: What, are you sailing away on a tugboat?
Charles: Man, I love tugboats.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a tugboat. I am locking the vault!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey there, Jake. I felt bad about folding your quarter in half, so I got you a new one.
Jake: Thank you. But that's not a quarter.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, you're right. That happens to be an 1883 Carson City silver dollar in near-mint condition complete with commemorative case. [whistles] That's gotta be worth $138. You know what? Keep it.

Captain Holt: You're not bad. You're maybe even... Good. But to make you great, I'd have to break you down to nothing. It would ruin our friendship.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can handle criticism. My daughters criticize me all the time. They're so mean now. Please help me, sir, please!

Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me, what room is right down the hall from her desk?
Captain Holt: The bathroom.
Sergeant Jeffords: If people are afraid to walk by Diaz, bathroom breaks will be to a minimum.

Charles: Wow. So who you bringing?
Sergeant Jeffords: You know, Cagney and Lacey love "Kwazy Kupcakes." They are crazy Kwazy fans.
Jake: Huh, cool. Well, if you guys are free this Saturday...
Charles: Stop, before you say anything you regret, you should know that "Kwazy Kupcakes" means a lot to Nikolaj. At the orphanage, that game was his only friend.
Sergeant Jeffords: Touching, but Cagney and Lacey don't have any friends at all. Maybe they can make some at this event.
Charles: So what do you say, Jake? Whose kids do you like more?
Jake: What? Wait, wait, wait. That's not what this is about.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Boyle's right. Whose kids do you like more? Tell us now.

Sergeant Jeffords: His cerebral blood circulation is infarcted. Get me an ICP catheter, stat!
Jake: Wow, that was amazing, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I watch a lot of "Grey's Anatomy." That show's surprisingly accurate.
Jake: Yeah, the one episode I watched, there was a bomb in the guy's butt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, that's a good one.

Amy: Why are you even holding on to these? I've never seen you wear them.
Sergeant Jeffords: I haven't. I saw them at the store, and they're obviously way better than my normal suspenders.
Rosa: Are they?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! Tab endings, leather yoke. I can't keep describing them.