Charles: Ugh, what are we watching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop. I tried everything, ordering them to stop and- Well, that's really all I tried. But I'm their superior officer. That should've worked.

Rosa: It's beautiful. Are we better at this than our regular jobs?
Sergeant Jeffords: Unquestionably. We should start our own home renovation show.
Charles: I can see the poster. I'm on Terry's shoulders screwing in a light bulb, and Rosa stands by a ladder looking up at us like, "Oh, boy, what did I get myself into?"
Rosa: I love that idea.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sign me up.

Sergeant Jeffords: Or would you like to come over here to Jeffords Junction, where it's always all four seasons and a volcano?

Sergeant Jeffords: Mount Terry's looking good, just add a little snow, and perfect.
Captain Holt: Ah, yes. Now, that's what I call the right amount of arid shrubbery.
Sergeant Jeffords: Great job, Captain. That's just what the kid's gonna want, to play in a serial killer's dumping ground.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, we have a witness coming in at 3:00 with her son.
Let's split this train set in two, make our own models, and see which one he likes more.
Captain Holt: You're on.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't stand a chance. I'm gonna turn Jeffords Junction into the funnest town in America. That's right, I said "funnest." [Terry starts dancing]
Captain Holt: Stop dancing. Stop dancing. This is a direct order. Stop dancing.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, you missed the tech expo. We got all this swag.
Six tote bags. Terry can tote anything. Look, point at something, I'll tote it.

Jake: Thermometer museum? Uh, no thanky. Here's what a-we are all about. One, free hotel rooms.
Sergeant Jeffords: I get to sleep in a bed by myself. No wife, no kids, just Terry starfishing on a Cal King.

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for babysitting last night. The girls told me what you talked about, and it couldn't have been easy.
Amy: I'm sorry I told them orgasms was another word for oranges. I panicked.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it did make it awkward when they asked for orgasm juice this morning, but I was more talking about the other stuff.

Guy: You guys have an extra mouse for my computer?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. But, hey, here, you can borrow mine. Terry knows his keyboard shortcuts!

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy Santiago. She's got seven brothers, so she's always trying to prove she's tough. She and Peralta have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a baby, Jake. It's Cagney's blankie. She calls it that because it has a little cow head. She said she had it in the minivan. Where is it now?
Jake: Ugh-
[flashback to Cagney and Lacey playing with the windows in the minivan
All: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Never let 'em play with the windows. That's Parenting 101.
And Santiago, I can't believe you didn't stop it.
Amy: I'm sorry, sir. I knew it was wrong, and I did nothing, which is ultimately worse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo. And if Cagney doesn't sleep, then Lacey doesn't sleep. And if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep-
Jake: Terry doesn't sleep.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Jake doesn't live.
Jake: Oh my God.

Amy: Sorry, look, don't give up on the green initiative. You're a great sergeant. You'll get everyone on board.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not Gina.
Amy: Yes, Gina. You can handle her. You can do this. Sarge, it's test time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaper up.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, I won!
Amy: You did it, Sarge. You're gonna get our power usage down.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care about that crap. I took down Gina Linetti. I did the impossible. Terry is back on top. Diaper up!

Sergeant Jeffords: Are you serious, Santiago? That is ethically questionable.
[phone chimes] Ugh. It's a bus pooping on a police car. Let's beat those bastards.

Jake: Hey, good news. I found the address of Parlov's old assistant. I'm gonna go over there and question him. You want to come? Maybe he won't open the door and you'll have to kick it down. That always cheers you up.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't feel like kicking down doors.
Jake: What about running really fast through a wall, leaving a perfect outline of your body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Like a cartoon?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm just gonna sit here and think about how the words I lived by my entire life are a big fat lie.