Captain Holt: Hello. [laughs] You caught me stretching. I've been doing this and nothing else for the last half hour continuously.
Charles: I saw you watching Terry. You were finger conducting.
Captain Holt: Fine. Yes. I may have overstated my contempt for the music they play so that I wouldn't have to help Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, am I so bad, I can't be helped? Aw, man, I wanted to play in the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Terry loves being in and among floats.

Jake: Do I even weigh anything to you?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it's like holding a couple of grapes.

Charles: I cleaned up as much as I could, but I think that couch is gonna smell like bone broth for a while. So did you talk to your friend? Any chance he'll reconsider investing?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, that's not happening. He said that was the most scared he's ever been, and he was on that plane that landed on the Hudson.

Sergeant Jeffords: I went to my barbershop to get a quick cleanup, and Boyle was there.
Charles: Yeah, got a low-drop fade with a crisp lining. I'm all about supporting Black businesses.
Sergeant Jeffords: Right.
Charles: Oh, are you upset about something, Lieutenant?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just that the barbershop is my therapy.
Charles: Mm.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's where I go to clear my mind. And that's hard to do with you there.
Charles: Mm.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop mm-ing me!
Charles: It's my listening noise.
Sergeant Jeffords: Listening doesn't require noise!

Amy: Look, Holt just needs us to be there for him. Help him take his mind off of Kevin.
Sergeant Jeffords: He's always inviting us to his lake house to go bird watching, but we never do it because it's, you know, birdwatching. We could finally go.
Amy: He would love that.
Jake: Wow, stabbed in the back by my own mom.
Amy: What?
Jake: Wife! I said wife! Why do you keep not hearing me? Whatever! Let's just do Terry's plan.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry that took me so long. I cramped up halfway and then crawled for a little while. Maybe I should think about slimming down.
Jake: No, it's actually good you didn't make it back.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, thank you for saying that. Look, I can't change my body, it defines me.

Charles: Hey, sarge? You may want to slow down on those things.
Sergeant Jeffords: Things? These are the precious jewels of the rain forest, Boyle.

Jake: How's it going, sir? You look chipper.
Captain Holt: Yes, well, I called Kevin and told him I still have feelings for him, and he said he felt the same. So we begin couples counseling next week.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's great, sir. I'm so glad. Looks like Captain Holt caught a fatty trout in his gill net.
Jake: You watched Alone?
Sergeant Jeffords: Every single episode. Terry has not slept!

Jake: Anyhoo, the point is, all past heists will be forgotten and the only real winner that matters is this year's as they shall be crowned the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: I wish I could join you all, but I want everyone to know I am not playing.
Amy: Here we go again.
Charles: Oh, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's true. I have my interview to be the captain of the Nine-Nine this afternoon.
Rosa: We've all seen this movie before. You pretend not to play and then at some key moment you come Kool-Aid Manning through a brick wall and win the whole thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't run through walls. I am a normal human person.
Jake: You do have the Kool-Aid Man's exact physique and personality.

Amy: Okay, this is how we'll get O'Sullivan's print: fast-drying dental resin.
O'Sullivan touches this, leaves an imprint, and we have a mold, Which we use to make a fake finger that will fool 99% of biometric scanners. Pretty sweet, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I thought Holt retiring would crush your mood, but it hasn't.
Amy: Wait. Holt's retiring?
Sergeant Jeffords: You knew that. He said he would tell you when you handed in your reform proposal, and you handed it in, and he told you.
Amy: No, he didn't.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, well, then I just told you. But you're still taking it well. Amy? Amy! [cell phone chimes] O'Sullivan just texted. He'll be here in three. You gotta hide! Um... I'm just gonna pick you up and carry you like furniture, okay?

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, look alive. He's here.
Frank O'Sullivan: You the guy selling the memorabilia?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah.
Frank O'Sullivan: Where did you get this stuff?
Sergeant Jeffords: I used to haul amps for him.
Frank O'Sullivan: Yeah? Which tours?
Sergeant Jeffords: The, you know...
Amy: [in ear piece] Oh, Terry, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm Not Ready to Say Goodbye tour.
Frank O'Sullivan: Never heard of that one.
Sergeant Jeffords: You haven't? That's weird. Maybe you just weren't paying attention.
Amy: Sorry. I'm on Billy Joel's wiki now.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've done other tours too, like...
Amy: Innocent Man and The Bridge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Innocent Man and The Bridge.

Frank O'Sullivan: What's in the box?
Sergeant Jeffords: An early draft of the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Frank O'Sullivan: "Eisenhower, vaccine, side salad, mixed greens." What is this?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I guess, while he was writing the song, he must have accidentally included his lunch order. Anyway, that's 10K.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh. What's the sticky stuff?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I grabbed that out of the trash in his dressing room. It must be gum. Look, I'm so sorry. Just let me have that back.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah-ah, not so fast. This has been in William Martin Joel's mouth. His tongue touched this.
Amy: [in ear piece] Wait. What's happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's this, now?
Frank O'Sullivan: That is $10,000. And I'm keeping the gum.
Amy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Captain Holt: Damn it, we're locked in. Who are you working with, you coward?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do anything. I bet this was all Santiago's plan. She's making a play for the tube. She knew you hid it at Doggy Daycare.
Captain Holt: How do you know her plan?
Sergeant Jeffords: Since I wasn't part of the heist, people were sloppy around me with their secrets. I know everything. For instance, I know the real tube is inside that creepy, fake baby doll.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you tell me this earlier?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was trying to be respectful of the heisting process, but that was before I got screwed over.
Captain Holt: Well, your intel is of no use since we're locked in here. Unless you smash your gigantic body through the wall.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not the Kool-Aid Man!
Captain Holt: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am more than my muscles and I can prove it. All the locks in this building have a magnetic release in case of a fire. If we can overload the circuit, they'll unlock. We just need to connect the positive terminal of one outlet... [grunts] To the negative of the other, using this circuit board and a low-resistance wire. Luckily, I came prepared.
Captain Holt: Do suspenders conduct electricity? Oh, the gold thread!
Sergeant Jeffords: Now, we are about to overload the circuit. [electricity zapping]
Captain Holt: Bing pot!

Captain Holt: You see, the whole heist was a ruse for the perfect goodbye I planned.
Jake: I mean, it wasn't that perfect. A real perfect goodbye would've had...
Captain Holt: Sentimental gifts for everyone?
Jake: Damn it! Just tell us how you did it.
Captain Holt: Everything hinged on Jeffords. I needed him to drop out of the heist so he'd have access to everyone's secrets, which is why I set up a fake interview for him.
Sergeant Jeffords: You were working with Williams? But he locked us in his office.
Captain Holt: Which was critical to me gaining your trust so you'd tell me where the tube was hidden.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's reeling.
Captain Holt: Armed with that information, I texted Kevin who retrieved the tube and handed it off to a person who lured you all here and that person was a dog and that dog was Cheddar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. That big speech about how I'd make a great captain, that was all a lie?
Captain Holt: No, no, I meant every word of it. In fact, it's exactly what I said to the real Williams two weeks ago. It's part of the reason he decided to make you... the new captain of the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, what? Is this fake too? Y'all need to cut the [bleep] and be honest with me. This is my life we're talking about.

Jake: Got to say, Terry, I'm a little surprised you're coming to this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Honestly, I need a break from the kids. Cagney and Lacey keep trying to trick me into falling down the stairs on TikTok. Terry can't sprain another ankle.