Sergeant Jeffords: Are you serious, Santiago? That is ethically questionable.
[phone chimes] Ugh. It's a bus pooping on a police car. Let's beat those bastards.

Sergeant Jeffords: I get that the streets are empty, but slow down, man. Terry forgot his Dramamine.

Jake: Stakes are high, Sarge. I know it doesn't matter to you, but I really want to beat Amy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't matter? Look, I am completely on board. You need your own space. I had a painting studio in my apartment.
Jake: Was this in the '90s? Did you wear overalls and no shirt?
Sergeant Jeffords: Every chance I got.
Jake: (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: But then I moved in with Sharon. And then the kids came along. You know where I have to paint now?
[cut to Sergeant Jeffords painting in a small closet]
Sergeant Jeffords: (CLATTERING) My acrylics!
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not gonna let you lose this bet. The march toward the closet starts with a single step.
Jake: Cool. So, basically just telling me not to get married and have kids.

Rosa: This where you been all day?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep. Just looking for clues.
Rosa: You're pretty sweaty.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry runs hot. Terry runs hot.

Rosa: You're trying to see if you can do that wall climb, aren't you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. And I can't. I'm old.
Rosa: Because you can't parkour up a wall?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's everything. The TV's always too quiet. I don't like how baggy basketball shorts are. I even shook my fist at some skateboarders the other day.
Rosa: Oof.
Sergeant Jeffords: And there's something worse. Way, way worse. Terry needs reading glasses.
Rosa: It's not that bad, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, it is! I used to be Batman. Now I'm his dad. His dumb, weak, getting shot at the opera dad.

Rosa: So if George went over that wall, he would have been caught on a security camera across- What you eating there, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Cream of Wheat. It's easy to chew, and it keeps you regular. It's a favorite dish of the elderly.

Rosa: Stop freaking out about this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, yeah, I know. "I'm young at heart."
Rosa: No, you are super old at heart. You always have been. You love yogurt. You volunteer at your polling place. You refuse to deposit your checks at an ATM.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a machine. I don't trust it.

Sergeant Jeffords: I get what you're saying, but at least I used to be a prime physical specimen.
Rosa: Dude, you have, like, 1% body fat.
Sergeant Jeffords: Now I'm at 1.8. I'm fat. I'm a fat, bald old man.
Rosa: You shave your head.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Rosa. Vin Diesel and I shave our heads because we think it looks good.

Captain Holt: Okay, now what we need to do is fix that infernal copier. Jeffords, you did a year abroad in Tokyo. Maybe you can figure out the manual. It's in Japanese.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can try, but the only thing I really remember how to say is, "Do you have a bigger door I can enter through?"
Captain Holt: Bring me solutions, not problems.

Veronica Hopkins: All right everyone, as you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the Nine-Nine and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Are there any questions?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for that job, given our, um, you know-
Charles: Sexual past.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, Detective Boyle.

Gina: We just need to find out what horrible thing Terry did to this woman so he can apologize and make it right.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've been wracking my brain. I can't think of anything.
Amy: Did you cheat on her?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I would never do that.
Gina: Did you date one of her friends right after you broke up?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh-uh. I cut off ties with all our mutual friends. Even Tommy. Terry loved Tommy! Tommy turned Terry on to tennis.

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do anything! I respect women. I'm a feminist. I believe women should be on all the money. I wanna pay for a sandwich with a $10 Ellen DeGeneres.

Sergeant Jeffords: I told you, I did everything right. I even gave Veronica plenty of time after her mom's death.
Amy: Wait, what does that mean?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was gonna break up with her, but then her mom passed, so, like a gentleman, I waited. That way she wouldn't have to deal with too much pain all at once.
Gina: How long did you wait, Jeffords?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, a year, year and a half.
Gina: Sarge!
Amy: Seriously?
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I was being considerate. Believe me, she had her fun for those 18 months. Terry puts out.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Diaz, HQ isn't giving us any new cases because we might shut down. You have anything?
Rosa: No, sorry, I got nothing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man! I am one arrest away from the all-time precinct record. Two more solves woulda put me over the top.
Rosa: So? Nothing wrong with second place.
Sergeant Jeffords: Name one silver medalist.
Rosa: Michelle Kwan.
Sergeant Jeffords: She fell, Rosa. She fell so much!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hello, Captain Raymond Holt, it is I, Sergeant Terrance Jeffords, your friend, but more importantly, your employee.
Captain Holt: I've never heard you speak like this, Sergeant. I like it. Each sentence so rife with information. Go on, please.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you.