Sergeant Jeffords: Quinn, did you get the alert?
Officer Gwen: Yeah, but I haven't seen anyone unusual down here. I mean, other than 1,000 Kappa Gamma Kappas.
Sergeant Jeffords: At least you didn't have to deal with Lambda Nus. Those girls are savages.
Whitney Grubner: Right? We're the victims here. We have a nighttime event, and if we don't make our blowouts, then we'll all look disgusting, and nobody will give any money to the kids, or dogs, or whatever the charity is.
Barbara Arbara: It's to buy shoes for poor people so they can get jobs.
Whitney Grubner: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: We'll do our best, but it's possible you're gonna miss your event.
Whitney Grubner: That's too bad, 'cause you could use some decent shoes.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Terry got these at Aldo.
Whitney Grubner: Was it buy one, get one?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it wasn't. It was a three-for-one Labor Day doorbuster.
Whitney Grubner: Makes sense.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, come on. Get down from there.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: Do you know who my father is? He's in business. That's where you actually make money at your job.
Sergeant Jeffords: I make money. I make good money.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: That can't be true. Otherwise, you wouldn't still have that chin.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Nobody ever said anything about my chin? Boyle, is something wrong with Terry's chin?
Charles: I don't want to get involved.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. It's true.

Jake: It's empty.
Amy: And there's nothing plugged in to the Internet port.
Jake: But Knox said he got a NOS ping. I mean, NOSes don't just ping themselves, guys.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, stop. You're not fooling anybody. You don't know anything about computers.

Captain Holt: Jeffords, get him into holding.
Sergeant Jeffords: With pleasure. You're about to have a really bad day. Give me that. Look at his pants, ladies. They're relaxed fit. Uh-oh. Is that a braided belt?

Jake: Ah. There you are. I've been looking all over. Woah. That's a lot of yolks. Are you stress eating again or is this just a small Terry snack?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm stress eating, Jake. My snack yolks are in that bowl.

Jake: Well, stop eating eggs and come help me with the heist.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not helping you.
Jake: Why not? Ugh, is this because I once betrayed you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. It was our last interaction.

Jake: Look, Sarge, I'm sorry, okay? I can't undo the past, but come on. Would you rather win the heist with me or sit around swallowing eggs like Birdo from "Super Mario 2"?
Sergeant Jeffords: Birdo doesn't eat eggs. Birdo spits them.
Jake: Oh, my God, you got that reference, Terry? We're the perfect team.

Jake: Wait. Where is everyone? Where are all the desks? What is happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's happening is- You all suck! [BEEPING]
Band: [singing] You all are losers, you all are losers And Terry Jeffords is the best! You are all losers, you are all losers And Terry Jeffords is the best-
Jake: Son of a bitch stole my song.

Amy: Wait, Terry has the bracelet?
Jake: That's right. Me and my teammate Terry won. We fooled you all.
Sergeant Jeffords: You didn't do [BLEEP]!
Jake: Okay, well, neither did Jordan's teammates, but they still got rings.

Amy: But, wait, what about the Lieutenant's exam? Aren't you supposed to be taking it right now?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hell no, I took that thing weeks ago. And I passed. I'm already a lieutenant!
Rosa: You are?
Amy: That's incredible!
Jake: Lieutenant Jeffords!
Charles: This is amazing.
Bill: I'm so proud of you, Terry.
Jake: All right. You've overstepped now, Bill.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it's weird you're here, Bill.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants I mean easy access to New Jersey.
Amy: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two.
How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

Sergeant Jeffords: There's been an assassination attempt!
Jake: What? And you let us just sit around talking about Boyle's pelvis?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't let you!

Sergeant Jeffords: I know what's going on here.
Rosa: You do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep. You're talking about me. I know 'cause my daughters are doing the same thing. Every time I go in that room, they get all weird and quiet. That's 'cause they're making fun of Daddy. Is that what you're doing, making fun of Daddy?
Rosa: First off-
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I heard it, I'm sorry.

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you laughing at? Is that a video of me? Oh, no, is it that time Terry fell off a Lime scooter?
Rosa: Why would any of us have that footage?
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't skirt the question! I want to know what I'm falling off of in that video.

Hitchcock: Gentlemen, would either of you mind giving some toasts? People are starting to notice we didn't serve any food.
Sergeant Jeffords: I have something I'd like to say.
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Marriage is amazing. To get to spend every day with the same person, day after day, month after month on repeat. The comfort of knowing that tomorrow will be just like today is truly a rewarding assignment. To Hitchcock!
All: Hear hear.