Sergeant Jeffords: It's not the turnout I was hoping for. Maybe I should've offered free strudel; Then at least Scully would've come.
Scully: There's free strudel?
Sergeant Jeffords: Where the hell did you come from?

Sergeant Jeffords: My nose! My nose! You broke my nose!
Amy: Oh, there's so much blood! I'm so sorry!
Sergeant Jeffords: Get me a towel!
Amy: Okay, all right.
Scully: And that's what you get for lying about free strudel. Karma's a bitch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Get out of here, Scully!

Amy: Hey, Sergeant. How are you? Sergeant Jeffords: Well, my baby cries at the sight of my face now, so that's great.
Amy: I mean, she's a baby; She could be crying at anything.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope, she pointed right at my nose and then threw up.

Sergeant Jeffords: What do you want, Santiago?
Amy: I was just wondering if you finished writing that recommendation letter. It's due pretty soon.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm working on it. It's taking a little while because it's hard to concentrate, what with all the agony.
Amy: Okay, well, thank you for still doing it. If it helps, I brought you some soothing ginger tea.
Sergeant Jeffords: Will it repair the place where my nose came off my skull?
Amy: I don't know, but it's supposed to have healing vapors.
So try inhaling it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, thank you.
Ow! It burns! - Oh! - The vapors burn!
Amy: I'm sorry! I'll take it back! (knocks the drink over into Sergeant Jefford's lap)
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, God.
Amy: I'm sorry! I'll get some cold water!
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, don't.
I am petrified of you!

Amy: You wrote me a bad recommendation. How could you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Excuse me?
Amy: It's the only explanation! You're mad that I broke your face and I burned your whole body. Well, grow up!
Sergeant Jeffords: Grow up? I have a Roth IRA! I eat wheat toast! You grow up!

Sergeant Jeffords: You know what? Here's the letter that I sent.
Amy: "Amy Santiago is one of the finest detectives in my precinct nay, the entire NYPD.
"
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I even used the word "nay." The idea that you would question my integrity is so - Uh-oh, I got to sneeze. This is gonna hurt!

Sergeant Jeffords: No, I sent the recommendation letter to the wrong place. I thought you were applying to be a mentor, not a mentee.
Amy: You thought I wanted to be a SAM, not a SAM? Are you insane?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you should be a SAM.
Amy: No, I should be a SAM.
Sergeant Jeffords: We got to start saying something other than SAM because we are barreling toward a misunderstanding.

Sergeant Jeffords: We did it. A new world. This must be how the founding fathers felt.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock and Scully are house mouses. They do paperwork and they're good at it. They don't go out in the field.

Marge: You ever heard the old saying, "Know the garbage, know the man?"
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not a saying.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, they got to knock that off.
Hitchcock: Loosen up, Sarge.
Scully: Summer of love, baby.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's March, man. Shut up.

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, Diaz? That's it. What's going on with you two?
Rosa: Oh, you noticed it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I noticed it! Everyone's noticed it! A convicted pervert asked me if you guys could cool it.

Adrian Pimento: Do you think Diaz noticed that I freaked out a little when she asked me out?
Sergeant Jeffords: You mean the way your eyes popped out of your head and you sprinted away at full speed? Yeah, I think she noticed.

Jake: Circus trash! It has to be him.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's exactly what I said. [flashback to 1995] Circus trash! It has to be him.

Sergeant Jeffords: The reason bullies get to me is because I lived with one my dad. He was a cruel man who didn't like his life, and he took it out on me.
Jake: Okay, okay. Now we're getting somewhere. If you're having dad problems, that's my jam, son.
Sergeant Jeffords: Real weird take on my crappy father.