Andrew: Hey, look at that. 130 over 80. Back to normal. I can get out of your hair now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nice. Told you, Andrew. Terry's in tiptop.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, you know Amy better than anyone. You just have to trust your gut.What is your gut telling you?
Jake: That I'm a terrible napkin chooser and will therefore be a horrible spouse.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is not your gut. That is your crazy, nonsense brain.

Jake: This was a test. These tasks were a way for me to prove I was gonna be a good husband, and I failed!
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, being a good husband doesn't mean you have to pass some test or do everything right. Do you have any idea how often I mess things up?
Jake: So you're a bad husband too?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Definitely not. You're cutting in too soon before the point.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, being a good husband is about caring enough to try.
This whole day, you've been doing everything possible to make sure Amy was happy.
You keep doing that, you gonna be okay, even if you make some mistakes.

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, she should be here any minute. Her name is Alicia.
Switch with me. That's your good side.
Rosa: I have a bad side?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, damn, you didn't know?

Sergeant Jeffords: Here it is. Uh-oh. It's kind of dirty looking. But, you know, that's why they put it in a dry cleaning bag. I'm sure everything inside is totally ... Nope. Soaked in urine. Damn it, New York!

Captain Holt: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't realize it ever started.

Amy: Terry, you're on hair and makeup. I've seen your little girls' pigtails, so I know you can do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: They actually prefer my hair work to their mommy's. [giggles] I love their little heads. [sobs]
Rosa: Terry, what's going on, man?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just a matter of time before I'm doing their hair at their weddings. [stammers] It goes so fast. They're still babies!
Amy: Pull it together, Jeffords!

Sergeant Jeffords: So, meeting Amy's dad for the first time, huh? You nervous?
Hitchcock: Yeah, a little.
Sergeant Jeffords: I was talking to Jake.

Jake: Tell him about the inscription.
Sergeant Jeffords: You probably don't remember, but 30 years ago, I wrote you a letter telling you how lonely and sad I was, and you sent me a book with the inscription, "We all write our own stories," and it changed my life.
D.C. Parlov: I do remember you.
Sergeant Jeffords: You do?
D.C. Parlov: I do indeed, and I'm delighted you made something of yourself. As the Cloud Rock says-
Both: "You found yourself in your struggle."
Jake: Wow.
Both: "The truth is what you came for, and you found it within your strife."
Jake: Well, that was cool.
Both: "Be brave for Tolgan."
Jake: There's more.
Both: "Tolgan the last, Tolgan the first, Tolgan."
Jake: "Tolgan." Is it over?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. This is the best day of my life.
Jake: You have three kids, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: I said what I said!
Jake: All right.

Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, This writing doesn't match up. I'm gonna send it to the lab anyway.
Jake: Yeah, I don't think that's necessary.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why not?
Jake: Because I just found a perfect match. Parlov wrote the death threats. He sent them to himself.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry did not see that coming.

Jake: And that is a perfect match.
Sergeant Jeffords: This is crazy. Why would Parlov send himself a death threat?
Jake: For publicity? I mean, he was on TV. His book is on the best-seller list for the first time in years.
Sergeant Jeffords: Parlov doesn't need any help. He's already famous, rich. He's got more babes than he can handle.
Jake: Come on, that guy? Now you're just lying to prove a point.
Sergeant Jeffords: He pulls, Jake. He pulls.
Jake: Ugh.

D.C. Parlov: Look, I'm sorry, I'm a little busy right now. I've some female companions over, you know.
Jake: Oh, really? What are they, like, some nerdy sci-fi fans, or- Good Lord! I don't know what I'm looking at.
Sergeant Jeffords: I told you, man, he pulls. He Pu-u-ulls.
Jake: Okay, stop saying "pulls".

D.C. Parlov: The man you're looking for, he's my ex-assistant. His name is Edmund Grail. The guy hates me. I slept with his wife, so naturally, I had to fire him.
Jake: Yeah, that's a cool story.
D.C. Parlov: After that, I got sort of involved with his sister. It was kind of hot-
Sergeant Jeffords: Please stop talking.

Sergeant Jeffords: Those MTA jerks just texted us a GIF of a cartoon subway train mooning a cop. They sent it from the stage.