Sergeant Jeffords Quotes Page 34 of 37

Searching Search quotes

Quote from the episode The Therapist

Amy: Hey, Sarge. I saw the flyers. You really put a lot of them up, huh?
Sergeant Jeffords: I just want to make extra sure we find the real book-buyer.
Amy: Do you think it's this kind of overcompensation that's been making things difficult in the bedroom?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I don't compensate. I procreate. Three kids.
Amy: Okay. Weird brag.

Quote from the episode Casecation

Sergeant Jeffords: [singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted Casecation, had to get away Casecation- The vibe in here is really weird.
Rosa: I think they're having a fight.

Quote from the episode Casecation

Rosa: Anyway, do you want me to talk to Jake? I'm a pretty good bully.
Amy: Thanks, but no. I've got this covered. I left him alone with Terry. That guy is a walking advertisement for the joys of fatherhood.
[cut to:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Do not do it.
Jake: What? Don't you love your girls?
Sergeant Jeffords: So much. I mean, you should have seen Cagney this morning with her little braids in.
Jake: Oh.
Sergeant Jeffords: But they are a ton of work, man. If you are not totally, 100% sure you want them, you won't survive.
Jake: Is it really that hard?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I never get any sleep. I'm always sick. I never get to watch anything I want on TV. I still haven't finished "Breaking Bad," but I can recite "Moana" from memory? "Maui, shape-shifter, demigod of the wind and sea. I am Moana." Why do I know that?

Quote from the episode The Bimbo

Sergeant Jeffords: I think it's so interesting you guys didn't stick to your original plan, because neither did we.
Amy: What? Why?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, you don't think we knew you were gonna snazz? [scoffs] We saw your snazz coming a mile away. That's why I took my team out for some big, juicy steaks, and
All: Mashed potatoes And some spinach and some key lime pie.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, Heather.

Quote from the episode The Bimbo

Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, that's amazing. I don't know how anybody could ever beat that except maybe an in-office teppanyaki grill.
Charles: Moshi moshi, losers!
Sergeant Jeffords: We got shrimp. We got lobster. Heather, I know you're allergic to shellfish. You're just gonna have to not eat.

Quote from the episode Ticking Clocks

Jake: What's all this?
Charles: Drunken brawl broke out between to sororities. We're keeping the Lambda Nus up here, and the Kappa Gamma Kappas are in holding on two. They're all so mean.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're kids, Boyle. I'm sure they're just scared.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: Yeah, we're just scared kids. Can we please go home now?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry, we have to process you, but I promise we'll go as fast as we can.
Heather Monitz-Glausch: I hope you get shot in the line of duty.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God.

Quote from the episode Ticking Clocks

Sergeant Jeffords: Do you need to use a phone to make a call?
Heather Monitz-Glausch: Gross, I don't know any phone numbers.

Quote from the episode Return of the King

Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I'm surprised Gina invited us to drinks tonight. She obviously invited us over to her place because she needed a favor.
Jake: Why are you still so down on her?
Sergeant Jeffords: I've been through this before. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert-
Jake: Oh, and lemme guess. You guys were best friends, then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, he got drafted into the Canadian football league, became a long snapper for Ottawa, and even that level of success ruined our friendship.
Jake: He's still playing? How is that possible? You're 35 to 60 years old.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials, speaking at long snapping conventions-
Jake: Is that a thing?
Sergeant Jeffords: In Canada, it's like the Oscars. Look, the point is he stopped making time for his friends.

Quote from the episode Return of the King

Sergeant Jeffords: What's up? I got your text- Oh, my God, Gina, there's a knife in you! Jake, did you stab Gina?
Jake: I didn't stab Gina, okay? Lennox wasn't our guy. The real perp did it. He's in a black hoodie and jeans. He ran that way.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Sergeant Jeffords: Stop, stop. No trumpets. Not today. My head is killing me.
Hitchcock: Hit the tequila a little early, huh?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not hung over, Hitchcock. I've got a tension headache.
I've got the Lieutenant's exam tonight. I'm stress-eating like crazy. I had ten hard-boiled egg yolks this morning.
Jake: Gross.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake!
Jake: Oh, Terry, you ripped yourself free.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, maybe you should try cuffing me to a stronger metal next time.
Jake: Yeah, I don't know the relative strength of metals.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Amy: Room 410 is this way. Okay, we got him here with one minute to spare.
Jake: Yes. I knew we could make it. All right, Sarge. You ready to go in there and ace this thing?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I can't believe it, I'm gonna be a pilot.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Jake: Continue with your story, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I knew you'd suggest a heist as a distraction from my Lieutenant exam, then all I had to do was sit back and watch as everyone took things way too far.
Amy: But how'd you know we'd get so out of hand?
Sergeant Jeffords: I spent the last six months sowing the seeds of conflict.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, after I got everyone acting like maniacs, all I had to do was make you feel bad by "knocking myself out."
Jake: The banner. But how did you learn my voice command?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't have to. I sold you the damn thing.
Jake: No.

Quote from the episode Sicko

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Brian. What are you up to?
Brian Floomryde: Typing in numbers into a computer. Like I always do endlessly for 40-60 hours a week.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, when you love what you do, you don't work a day in your life. Unless, do you not love sad data entry?

Showing quotes 496 to 510 of 546Sort by  popularity | date added | episode

Submit Quotes