Sergeant Jeffords: I mean working out is not the only thing I feel comfortable talking about.
What would you say is your mom's favorite move at the gym?

Amy: Maybe it's time to put the creep kit away, Rosa.
Rosa: Wait. Pimento just walked up to a woman.
Sergeant Jeffords: A female woman? Rosa, is it a female woman?

Jake: Look, I know you're upset because Pimento seems a little amped up-
Sergeant Jeffords: We were going 90 with the headlights off!
Jake: But please just give him a chance to explain before getting all angry and yelling, "Hey, man!"
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, man! What the hell were you doing?

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I want you to do nothing. Just stand next to me and say, "Yes, Sarge."
Scully: Okay, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man.

Rosa: I don't know, we need better proof than a butt clench to take down Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: I did it, okay? I cheated. I wanted that car, and I took it.
And it's killing me. I couldn't sleep all night. I just kept hearing the blinker. You-cheat, you-cheat, you-cheat. Here are the keys. Take the damn car. Terry doesn't deserve it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why is the tent so quiet? Is everybody talking about me now?
Rosa: Nobody is talking about you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sure. Terry walks into a tent and everybody just happens to stop talking at the same damn time? You are gaslighting me just like my daughters!
Amy: Terry, I think you're being paranoid.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not paranoid! I put a recording device in my girls' room.
Amy: You planted a bug in your daughters' room?
Sergeant Jeffords: I do what I have to do. They said I look like a giant triangle!
Rosa: Is that an insult?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know! But they were laughing like it was, and it hurt just the same! Don't have kids!

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife. I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
Charles: Sports bloopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately, we can't just arrest Figgis, because he has a man inside the FBI.
Jake: The good news is, we have a lead that's gonna break this case wide open: Maura Figgis, Jimmy's sister. She's currently serving in a maximum security prison in Texas.
Sergeant Jeffords: A white woman in prison, in Texas? [scoffs] She must be bad.

Captain Holt: Look, I know this is an inconvenience; however, I expect you all to be accommodating to our guests.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't worry, sir, we will be cordial A.F. "As Frasier." Love that show.

Jake: Good news, sergeant. I figured out what we're gonna work on this weekend.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm working on spending time with my family. We're having a fancy tea party. I am the king of Origami napkins.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm just holding a road flare, stepping on some oatmeal, just doing me.

Jake: I have not slept in since I last saw you many hours. Plus, I think I'm hallucinating, because your I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that's possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.

Sergeant Jeffords: I never thought I'd say this, but Floorgasm has a point. You're being super irresponsible. You have a batitude. That's a bad attitude.

Charles: No, this is on you, Jake. You need to make a choice.
Jake: That's not fair. You both want to go and I don't want to hurt either of you. But maybe I don't have to. I can let fate hurt you. We'll flip a coin. Terry, call it in the air. Heads or tails.
Sergeant Jeffords: [grunts] Neither.
Jake: Oh, my God. Did you just fold my quarter in half?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fate's a bitch. You make the choice.

Jake: I catharted.
Sergeant Jeffords: You catharted hard.