Sergeant Jeffords: Is there anyone you could've told the crime stats to?
Hitchcock: Crime stats?
Gina: Wait. Do either of you even know what our arrest numbers were?
Scully: [thinking] Twelve.
Sergeant Jeffords: No!
Scully: Then no.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, they're not the leak.

Jake: Hey, were you followed?
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. I promise, they have no idea I'm working with you.
[flashback:]
Charles: Terry, have you seen Jake?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan. He's so stupid. You know, the only reason Holt and I haven't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.
[present:]
Jake: Seems a little excessive.
Sergeant Jeffords: I told you. I don't wanna be tied to this plan. Look, I'm out on a ledge for you, and Terry hates ledges.
Jake: Wait, so you love hedges but hate ledges? You're just making this up as you go.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm not. Name one time you've ever seen me happy out on a ledge.
Jake: I can't think of an example on the spot...
Sergeant Jeffords: Because Terry hates ledges.

Kevin: I have an EpiPen back at the house. Would you call someone to have them bring it?
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no reception. I'll just run back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be? [runs] It's immediately awful!

Jake: Terry. Terry. Terry, are you okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm fine. But that dog came right at me. And I have no idea why.
John Thereford: It looked like you had a lot of food in your pockets.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No. That's not true. This jacket never had any pockets. This is the style.
Ronald Palmer: Oh, my God. You did think I was poisoning you.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, you were the one who said he spent every day in prison dreaming of the day we'd meet again.
Ronald Palmer: So I could prove to you I'd changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: You said you put something extra in my food.
Ronald Palmer: Love.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you said it so creepy. Look, tone is everything, man.
Ronald Palmer: I've been talking to a cinder block wall for the last ten years. I'm sorry if my social skills leave something to be desired.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is a really good explanation.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can I be honest? Precinct's not the same without you. The Vulture's the worst. My mango yogurt-
Captain Holt: Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause it's important!

Gina: I know who your leak is. What? I looked up the reporter who published the crime numbers, and I noticed you two follow each other online.
Sergeant Jeffords: He followed me, and you know I'm a proud member of team follow-back.

Boone: You don't have to dance every time.
Sergeant Jeffords: True, but I choose to dance every time.

Sergeant Jeffords: Is this gonna be one of those scavenger hunts, Boyle? 'Cause that pasta pot isn't filling itself.

Sergeant Jeffords: Don't worry, I had a backup plan. I distracted her with a mirror. She's like a cockatiel, sir. Fascinated by her own reflection.

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you know everything about food. That's all you talk about.
Charles: I don't think anyone will ever know everything about food. It's an evolving discipline.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's great stuff. So boring. Don't waste it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him, but I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!
Scully: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good. Use it.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm hungry!
Charles: Oh, you're in luck; the fanny pack is filled with granola.
Jake: Mmm! Loose granola.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!

Jake: Captain, allow me to introduce you to major East Coast arms dealer Dan "Daniel" Valdano. That's right, his nickname is longer than his actual name. Why's that, Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause he's a dick.

Sergeant Jeffords: Case cleared. How you like me now, sucker? I mean, I hope you found peace.

Dozer-pad: You are forty-three minutes behind.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!