Sergeant Jeffords: I'm hungry!
Charles: Oh, you're in luck; the fanny pack is filled with granola.
Jake: Mmm! Loose granola.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!

Boone: You don't have to dance every time.
Sergeant Jeffords: True, but I choose to dance every time.

Gina: I know who your leak is. What? I looked up the reporter who published the crime numbers, and I noticed you two follow each other online.
Sergeant Jeffords: He followed me, and you know I'm a proud member of team follow-back.

Sergeant Jeffords: Don't worry, I had a backup plan. I distracted her with a mirror. She's like a cockatiel, sir. Fascinated by her own reflection.

Jake: Hey, were you followed?
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. I promise, they have no idea I'm working with you.
[flashback:]
Charles: Terry, have you seen Jake?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan. He's so stupid. You know, the only reason Holt and I haven't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.
[present:]
Jake: Seems a little excessive.
Sergeant Jeffords: I told you. I don't wanna be tied to this plan. Look, I'm out on a ledge for you, and Terry hates ledges.
Jake: Wait, so you love hedges but hate ledges? You're just making this up as you go.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm not. Name one time you've ever seen me happy out on a ledge.
Jake: I can't think of an example on the spot...
Sergeant Jeffords: Because Terry hates ledges.

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you know everything about food. That's all you talk about.
Charles: I don't think anyone will ever know everything about food. It's an evolving discipline.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's great stuff. So boring. Don't waste it.

Amy: Okay, sirs. I know why you weren't happy with my self-evaluation. You didn't want me to say flaws that were actually positive. Like how the sergeant always say it's bad that he works out too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Why the drive by?

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you just let him off with a warning? Sometimes, being as tough as possible doesn't lead to the best outcome.
Rosa: This isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. I'm not just gonna give him a time-out.
Sergeant Jeffords: Time-out? Are you kidding? "Poopy-head" means no "Doc McStuffins" for a week! Terry hates bathroom talk.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here's my desk. You can tell by the framed two-hundred piece puzzle my three-year-olds put together on their own.
School Administrator: That's very advanced, Sergeant Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is it? I wouldn't know what milestones are impressive to a school's admissions officer. They can count to twenty in English and Mandarin.

Jake: Look guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis, then it's his choice.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what a vasectomy is.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Cut it out, Cake Boy, you're making health insurance more expensive for everyone else.

Dozer-pad: You are forty-three minutes behind.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!

Sergeant Jeffords: Case cleared. How you like me now, sucker? I mean, I hope you found peace.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him, but I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!
Scully: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good. Use it.

Jake: Terry. Terry. Terry, are you okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm fine. But that dog came right at me. And I have no idea why.
John Thereford: It looked like you had a lot of food in your pockets.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No. That's not true. This jacket never had any pockets. This is the style.
Ronald Palmer: Oh, my God. You did think I was poisoning you.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, you were the one who said he spent every day in prison dreaming of the day we'd meet again.
Ronald Palmer: So I could prove to you I'd changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: You said you put something extra in my food.
Ronald Palmer: Love.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you said it so creepy. Look, tone is everything, man.
Ronald Palmer: I've been talking to a cinder block wall for the last ten years. I'm sorry if my social skills leave something to be desired.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is a really good explanation.