Jake: What are you doing? You were gonna get promoted out of Missing Persons.
The Vulture: Your plan went to hell, tough guy. Wuntch she came to me with a much better one. Guess what she's giving me for betraying you? My dream job captain of the-
Jake: 69th precinct.
The Vulture: Bingo.

The Vulture: You know, I've made a lot of improvements since you left. I got a fridge for my protein shakes. I got a kettlebell station. I got a wolf that I killed in Utah.
Captain Holt: I'm fairly certain that's a dog.
The Vulture: Yeah, it was dark.

The Vulture: All right, ladies. I don't have a lot of time here, so what's say you act like Boyle's mom and debrief me?

Jake: So listen, I've been thinking, we got off on the wrong foot here. And I believe it's because we're just too damn similar.
The Vulture: You do?
Jake: Absolutely. We both love premium tequila. Robin Thicke.
The Vulture: Oh yeah.
Jake: Gots to have my puks.
The Vulture: Gots to.
Jake: And, of course, most importantly, nip slips.
The Vulture: Ha. Let me ask you a question, Jake. Do you also like Okinawan martial arts? Because you left this in my back.
What I'm saying, Einstein, is that you stabbed me in my back.

The Vulture: Yo, is this a police station or a toilet? 'Cause all I see is turds.
Charles: Oh, Detective Pembroke. Oh, no. I spilled coffee on you by accident.
The Vulture: Lucky for you, this wipes off quickly. This coat's made out of whale skin.

Captain Holt: Would you like to sit down, Detective? You seem upset.
The Vulture: Hell yeah, I'm upset. Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero, zero, jurisdiction. They were publicly drunk. Apparently one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator. Only, maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his.

[montage:]
Rosa: On my count. One, two-
The Vulture: Three! I got it from here! Yeah! Get up! Get up! Turn around!
[cut to:]
Amy: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-
The Vulture: Can and will be used against you in a court of law. Thanks, guys, I got it from here. Let's go. Beat it!
[cut to:]
Barista: Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles.
The Vulture: I got it from here.
Charles: I used a gift card for that!

Jake: All right, this is pointless. C.J. will just tell everyone the truth.
The Vulture: No, he won't. I bought him off. All I gotta do is play "Madden" with him.
Jake: Come on, C.J.

Jake: Look, you're not gonna get away with this. You were a part of the whole thing.
The Vulture: First of all, Jake, there's no records that you and I teamed up together because you insisted that we only communicate through a beeper.
Jake: Stupid beepers. We're right to be addicted to our phones.
The Vulture: Eyewitness saw you. The DNA's all over the scene. And I caught you red-handed making a hostage video. Your [bleep] is cooked.
Jake: That's not a saying. It's "goose."
The Vulture: Who cares about a goose? I'm talking about cooking a penis.

The Vulture: Lookee, lookee. I thought I saw your big, white ass lumbering around. As for you, Santiago, well, now you certainly showed your true colors, didn't you? And they're a shade of pink called "loser."

The Vulture: And out of the tear gas rises the Phoenix.

Jake: Look, John Kelly has to be stopped. He's spying on civilians. It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.
Captain Holt: Please. Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The Vulture: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The Vulture: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The Vulture: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room. Like that?
The Vulture: Yeah, it's awesome.

The Vulture: All right, look. I'm deleting the app from my phone as we speak, okay? Come on. Jean's over 30. No amount of money in the entire world could make me marry a woman that old. But love can.

The Vulture: You're Valerie? Ah, I can't believe I actually wasted my sweet dong snaps on you bozos.

The Vulture: Hey, you know what? I need to handle this right now. Look, I know how hard it is to find a venue. But if it could happen for me, it could happen for you.
Jake: It happened for you because it did happen for us.
The Vulture: Chins up, dingdongs. I'm trying to be happy over here.