Amy: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
Captain Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
Amy: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. I didn't mean- Let's catch this bastard.

Jake: Boyle, frisk the skinny one.
Charles: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now.

Captain Holt: I'd like to text my husband to tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Jake: Okay, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message.
Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about, "Hello, honey".
Captain Holt: You will not craft the message.
Jake: Roger that. Honey's wrong. How about "Hello, husband". "Hello, sir"? You call each other sir?

Jake: Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Jake: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Captain Holt: To use the restroom.
Jake: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?
Your silence indicates number two.

Captain Holt: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Jake: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right 'cause it threatens death!

Amy: You look happy. Let me guess. Your egg sandwich fell on the floor, and they gave it to you for free.
Jake: No. Can you do that? Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?
Amy: I was trying to insult you.
Jake: And instead you gave me an amazing life hack!

Psychologist: Okay, let's switch gears. Do a little word association. What do you think of when I say the word "bottle"?.
Sergeant Jeffords: Liquor store. Hold up. Gun. Die.
Psychologist: How about "grass"?
Sergeant Jeffords: Marijuana. Drugs. Gun. Die.
Psychologist: Cat.
Sergeant Jeffords: Kitten. Cute. Calm. False sense of security. Gun. Die!

Charles: That's right. Boom. Just kicked Santa in the testicles.

Jake: And a very Merry Christmas to you, Captain. Ho, ho, ho!
Deputy Chief Gerber: Captain Holt has received a number of death threats.
Jake: Oh, I really came in here with the wrong energy.

Captain Holt: Nice work, Jeffords. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: Captain, you're doing it. You're emoting.

Charles: Hit him in his fat, rosy cheeks.
Jake: Oh, that felt wrong.

Amy: Now, the Captain won't allow us to give him all the presents we bought him.
Rosa: You are the only one that did that.

Captain Holt: Anything else?
Jake: Yes. What cute little nickname do you call your Husband?
Captain Holt: Kevin.
Jake: Adorable.

Gina: I could take a pic of myself dressed up as an elf. "Elfie selfie."

Sergeant Jeffords: My psych evaluation is today. They're gonna decide if I'm ready to make it back on the streets.
Gina: Why do you care what they think? Psychologists are just people who weren't smart enough to be psychics.

Rosa: Shut up, Jake. Boyle's a hero and so is his butt.

Jake: "The free-style killer". Man, how come all the killers you caught had such cool names? The best name I ever brought in was "Narrow shoes Sam" because-
Captain Holt: His shoes were narrow and his name was Sam. I get it.

Jake: A hungry safe house is an unsafe safe house.

Jake: A fun safe house is safe safe house.

Jake: It's a safe house, son. You've been protected.

Jake: Well, frankly, sir, you're still acting like that brash, dumb Detective.
If you had truly changed, you'd be saying a bunch of boring, responsible stuff, like "Don't be stupid. Use the Detective squad. You're part of a team. I smell like sandalwood."
Charles: That's what it is!

Jake: Look, Captain, you're stubborn. And that's an adorable quality. You wanna know what's not an adorable quality?
Charles: Acne.
Jake: Being dead.
Charles: Yep, being dead.

Captain Holt: It's a hoax. I didn't wanna alarm the squad. So, please, keep this between us.
Jake: Awesome. I'm great at secrets. Santiago got you like six presents.

Amy: I didn't get you a present. The gift is for Captain Holt. It's one of six presents I got him representing the six lessons that he's taught me: Determination, wisdom, posture-
Captain Holt: Detectives sometimes feel the urge to buy their captains holiday presents. Please refrain from doing so. Under no circumstances do I want a present. Peralta, my office.
Jake: Roger that!
Amy: Oh, my God, I have to return so many items.
Jake: I know.
Amy: Shut up.

Jake: A safe house watching safe house is a safe safe house house.

Jake: Hey, when this is all over, we should take a train trip together. Just for fun.

Jake: Okay, I see what you're doing. "Tushie".
Captain Holt: It's touche.
Jake: Well, I'm in charge and I say it's tushie.

Charles: This is just like Christmas at my parent's house! Why do they have separate dining rooms?