Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?

Charles: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Charles: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Charles: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

Captain Holt: Marcus, Detective Diaz, what a surprise. I didn't expect you for another nine and a half minutes.
Rosa: See, told you it was rude to be early. Well, let's cancel the entire evening and try again next year.

Kevin: Rosa, tell us about your family.
Rosa: I have one.

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. You can work the case from right here, but you are tied to your desk.
Jake: Tied to my desk? Mr. Grey will see you now, Sarge.

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell are you doing out there, Peralta?
Jake: Would you believe that my urine stream was so powerful that it-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope.

Jake: I don't have a problem. I'm just trying to solve this case, and everyone's making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes and jaw.
Charles: Jaw?
Jake: Yeah, that just happened. I got hit in the face with a box.

Gina: I will be there. All I ask is you clear the furniture out of your living room so I can show Kev some of my new dance opera.
Rosa: Why just some of it? Do the whole thing.
Captain Holt: Yes. Nothing would make me happier. See you Thursday at 8.

Kevin: Marcus, you can help with the boeuf bourguignon. I subbed shallots for onions in the mirepoix.
Marcus: (high-pitched excitement) No. Are you kidding?
(Whispering) I have no idea what he's talking about.

Sergeant Jeffords: You happy now? Broken ribs and a million broken toes weren't enough for you?
Jake: In retrospect they were plenty, yes.

Sergeant Jeffords: Your tone's braggy but your words are real sad.

Captain Holt: Are your senses heightened?
Rosa: I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.

Sergeant Jeffords: What did the doctor say?
Jake: "Welcome, we haven't seen you in eleven years." I haven't been to the doctor in eleven years. How trill is that?

Captain Holt: Well, I've used the sick excuse for you eight times. I think they're catching on.
Rosa: You could say you're sick.
Captain Holt: No one would ever believe that.

Charles: No, I was out getting him some healing broth. I was torn between chicken or beef, but then it hit me, goat.

Captain Holt: Are your bosoms tender?
Rosa: I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just ask me that.

Rosa: But we agreed to keep our personal and professional lives separate. It is weird enough I am dating your nephew without dragging your husband and dog into it.

Jake: Okay, fine. I accept my fate. Just take a picture of my penis first, for posterity, then do what you must.

Sergeant Jeffords: Welcome back, Peralta. You look rested.
Jake: Thank you, I am. I caught up on a lot of very important daytime television. I tried grape fruit juice for the first time - terrible. And one day I even bought the newspaper. It was raining and I needed an umbrella.

Jake: But I still haven't technically got to go pee, so if you wouldn't mind.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care. You have lost the right to pee. You can fidget, little man.
Jake: Well, it's gonna be on you when we're all covered in my whizz.

Jake: And I'm allowed to have light, non-strenuous sex provided I stretch before and after.
Hitchcock: Nice.

Jake: Wow, Boyle. The fact that you would sell me out after I brought you to Atlantic City on a half-expenses paid best friends trip.

Captain Holt: Phew, great idea, take a breather. That was way too personal. No one needs to know you have sisters.

Captain Holt: Very well, I'll figure out a way to get you out of here without arousing suspicion. Now, I'm regretting blowing through my orchid material so quickly.

Jake: I'd give you a hug, but right now my body has the structural integrity of a chocolate soufflé.
Charles: Ooh.

Sergeant Jeffords: Don't "Hey, Sarge" me, Peralta. I'm about to break the rest of your damn body.

Amy: Sorry, Gina. I hope we're late. That's how the fashionable crowd lives.

Jake: Top of the car footchase. My birthday wish finally came true.

Jake: First of all, the doctor was a woman. There's a such thing as woman doctors, Sarge. I lied for effect, it was a man. And he said I was perfectly fine. Except for three cracked ribs. And a broken toe, which was right next to two other broken toes.

Amy: Dinner at your house? Oh, mama.

Amy: Copy that, Capi-tain. Later, skater.

Rosa: I'm sorry. We're screwed. I should just break up with him.
Captain Holt: No, no, no. Santiago is always on time. We only have to make small talk for-
Rosa: Eight minutes and forty-five seconds.
Captain Holt: We better keep it impersonal. Acceptable subjects include what constitutes a grain, the Hubble space telescope, orchid varietals, the birth of the transistor-
Rosa: We only have to fill eight mintues.
Captain Holt: Sure, but think about it as four hundred and eighty seconds, and you'll see why I'm concerned.
Rosa: Oh my God.

Gina: Amy, all your cooking stinks. Why would you even get involved with tuna and egg?

Captain Holt: So, Marcus, what orchids can you name?
Marcus: Oh, that's easy. None.

Jake: There's our perp, looking all perpy, just perping his way down perp street.

Charles: Jake and I are going on the coolest vacation ever. Official trip nickname AC/DC, Atlantic City Dudes Club.

Jake: New trip name, AC/DC, Atlantic City Detectives Club.

Gina: Yes, this is wonderful. The dinner's not for four days and you're already freaking out.

Gina: Uh-oh, Amy. Train's moving real slow. We're gonna be epically late. Keep your reaction short and to the point. I'm running out of mem.

Sergeant Jeffords: Woah. That is not a pimp walk, that's a limp walk.

Gina: Ooh, nice pimp walk, pimp.

Jake: Man, I wish you hadn't read that Annie Liebowitz book.
Charles: Quit calling it a book. It was a visual journey. You probably think I should shoot this in colour instead of black and white.
Jake: Yes, shoot colour. Why would you even shoot in black and white?

Amy: Did we steal these sunglasses?
Gina: No, you paid the bodega guy $200 for them and his shirt.
Amy: That explains why I have a triple-XL Scarface hoodie on my couch.

Jake: Take a picture.
Charles: Give me one second. This light is really unflattering for his complexion.