Quotes from ‘House Mouses’

House Mouses

'House Mouses' - Season 3, Episode 16

When Jake insults Hitchcock and Scully's work ethic in the precinct, they force their way into one of his cases in attempt to prove themselves. Meanwhile, Amy and Gina help Rosa conquer one of her biggest fears, and Holt and Boyle work a celebrity case.

Air Date: February 16, 2016.

Quote from Gina

Gina: I'm scared of businessmen. A whole army of gray-suited Brads and Chads trying to suck my soul and redeem it for frequent flyer miles.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Hmm, what's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt, thinking of you. Best, Dr.
Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.

Quote from Scully

Sergeant Jeffords: Where's Hitchcock? I'm taking you guys off your drug case.
Scully: Of course you are. Jake said you didn't believe in us.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? He didn't believe in you either. He was just pumping you up with lies so you'd work his case.
Scully: Jake, is this true?
Sergeant Jeffords: I just thought, you know, the two of you might be better off mousing around the old house.
Scully: Oh, I get it. Just because I got my finger stuck in a glue trap once, I'm a mouse? I got the cheese out, by the way.
Jake: Oh my God.

Quote from Amy

Amy: But then I relaxed, and I found my inner strength. I think the lesson here is that, as women, we- (Rosa tries to close the trunk) No, no, no, no! You close that trunk again and I will kill you! You hear me? I will kill you!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies, all the food groups.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Check it out, sir. A lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you all the way from Paris.
Charles: Straight from Paris!
Captain Holt: Stapler, scissors. Rubber bands. That man really knows me.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Sarge, Sarge, Sarge. You know that I'm your guy for this. You can't give a celebrity case to Amy. The last movie she saw was a documentary about spelling bees.
Amy: Wrong. It was about the font Helvetica, and it played like an action thriller.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Hey, Rosa. Saw you hadn't signed up for the blood drive yet, so I brought you the sheet.
Rosa: Sorry, can't. (reading the sign-up sheet) I'm under 17 years old.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Wait, you didn't sign up last year, either. Or the year before. Are you afraid of needles?
Rosa: I don't like being stabbed by someone so they can steal my blood. I'm crazy.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Look, it's okay. We all have fears. I'm so claustrophobic, I can't even go into the downstairs supply closet. I hear they have some hot new binder clips, but I'll never know.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: No, our victim is John William Weichselbraun.
Charles: Remind me who that is again?
Captain Holt: You're kidding. He's a world-renowned oboist, first chair with the New York Symphony Orchestra. Kevin and I are huge fans of Weichselbraun's work. We are what the Internet sometimes refers to as Weichselbraun fans.
Charles: Not Weichselbrauniacs?
Captain Holt: Oh, that's very good. I'm gonna use that liberally.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, we need to know where Hitchcock is. I am ordering you to tell us everything.
Scully: Fine. We're setting up a sting. I'm going undercover as Tex Dallas, billionaire oil man from Dallas, Texas, with ties to the cowboy mafia.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Scully: Hitchcock's my middle man, Reno Vegas, mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.
Jake: I said my "oh, boy" too soon.

Quote from Jake

Scully: In 20 minutes, he's going in totally alone, unarmed, without a cell phone, to meet with one of their guys to set up a buy. So how do you like our plan now?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a disaster, man! We got to stop it!
Scully: Disaster? Tell me one thing that's wrong with Operation Beans.
Jake: Operation Beans?!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You're an incredibly gracious host, Mr. Weichselbraun.
Mr. Weichselbraun: Wow, that pronunciation is flawless.
Captain Holt: [laughs] I must admit, I'm a bit of a Weichselbrauniac.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hmm, I saw you perform Bach's "Oboe Sonata in G Minor" at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. I was in the front row.
Mr. Weichselbraun: You were escorted out for gasping too loudly.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: No, Rosa, we are doing something important here. We are women, standing up and supporting each other and becoming-
(Rosa closes the trunk with Amy inside)
Rosa: New fear: listening to Amy inspire us.
Gina: Be back in a half hour, Ames.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: How'd it go?
Amy: Well, the first ten minutes were really terrible. The diaper did not fit. It was for a baby. (Gina rolls her eyes)

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: So what's the plan?
Scully: We stick with Operation Beans. We knock on the front door. I say I'm Tex Dallas.
You're my buddy, Alamo, and you're Black Fred.
Sergeant Jeffords: Black Fred? Why Black Fred? There's no other Fred!
Scully: Yeah, but they don't know that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: Oh, I didn't realize you were here, Mr. Weichselbraun.
Mr. Weichselbraun: I was in the area, and the captain is a fan, so I came by to give him a little gift, as a thank you.
Captain Holt: It's a signed copy of his book of mouth exercises. "Reed It and Weep." "Reed" with two Es? It's my favorite joke of all time.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, you sweaty, chair-spinning morons. You're gonna get us out of here.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm giving my drug bust to Hitchcock and Scully. It's time to get these mice out of their hice. Oh, that was lame. Life is meaningless. We're all gonna die. Mouses out of their houses. Yes, I am the greatest. Every breath is a gift. Sorry about the roller coaster.

Quote from Gina

Gina: To conquer my fear of businessmen, I must walk among them. I will shake their clammy hands and listen to them talk about things like how hard Wednesdays can be.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, par exemple?

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, no, I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Attention, squad. I just received a call. A very important, very high profile celebrity was robbed in our precinct.
Jake: What celebrity, sir? Is it a Chris? Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine? Brown? Cross? [gasps] Is it a non-Chris?

Quote from Amy

Amy: This is amazing; you're scared of something I'm not. I'm tougher than you. I'm tougher than Rosa. (Rosa looks threateningly at Amy) Eh, I take it back. I'm so sorry.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Thanks for taking us to lunch, Jake.
Jake: Of course. Get whatever you want.
Scully: Oh, man, I already ate. I guess I'll just have a cheeseburger deluxe, couple slices of pie, maybe an egg cream.
Jake: Okay.
Scully: And a waffle.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Look, you're Hitchcock and Scully. You guys are legends. You single-handedly caught the Prospect Park Flasher.
Scully: Well, he was being chased by other cops, but he did slip on my spilled chili.
Hitchcock: And who bumped into Scully, causing the spill? Me.
Jake: Damn right, and who fell asleep under their desks and caught the janitor stealing evidence?
Hitchcock: We did.
Jake: And who sued the department and got triple-ply toilet paper in every precinct?
Scully: We did.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I swear, if they mess up this case, Jake, it's on you.
Jake: They're detectives. They've been on the force for 500 years. They know what they're doing.
Sergeant Jeffords: The only item on Scully's calendar for the entire year is "eat peanut butter."
Jake: Yeah, we got to find them.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Excuse me, have you seen Hitchcock and Scully?
Vendor: Three times a day for 12 years. Twice as often since I started serving sweet wieners.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sweet wieners?
Vendor: It's a normal hot dog with a little chocolate sauce.
Jake: One please!
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Jake.
Jake: No, Terry.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: What are you doing? You just insulted our celebrity victim to his face.
Charles: You keep saying "celebrity," but he's drying his socks on a George Foreman grill.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This is John William Weichselbraun, the Silver Spit Prince! I'm making myself primary detective on this case. You can wait in the car. Oh, but first, take a picture of the two of us together. Make sure we're laughing.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Okay, so, I'm going to face my fear of confined spaces. When I'm ready, you will shut the trunk and leave me here for 30 minutes.
Gina: I left a juice box and a diaper in there for you, so you're gonna be fine.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Or we could all give in to our fears and keep our blood in our bodies like normal people.

Quote from Jake

Scully: Slow down, Pinto.
Jake: I didn't agree to a bean name. We are not doing Operation Beans.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: If I die, I want you to marry Lucille. I can't stand the thought of you being alone.
Scully: Deal. Let's make it a blood pact.
Hitchcock: Oh, look, I'm already bleeding.

Quote from Scully

Jake: I say Terry and I go in through the roof and do some recon. Scully, you stay here and call for backup in case we need it.
Scully: Oh, no way. That's my partner in there. I'm going in. Also, I can't call for help. I don't have any quarters.
Jake: Hard to argue with that logic.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Did you hear what John said?
Charles: I did, but it's an open investigation, and I don't think it's proper to share information with the parties involved.
Captain Holt: Well, that's why you're no longer the primary. John played oboe for Lynne Cheney. I'm sure we can trust him to be discreet.

Quote from Amy

Gina: Does this outfit look drab and lifeless enough? Also, thanks, Amy, for letting me borrow it.
Amy: You're welcome. I wore that suit to prom. Student chaperone.

Quote from Gina

Gina: How about those quarterly write-offs? And did you hear about the merger? Also, we all need to go in on those flowers for Beth. Aw, Wednesdays.

Quote from Jake

Hitchcock: I'm in the cowboy mafia. I work for the Dallas Buyers Club.
Scully: I came up with that name.
Jake: No, you didn't. It's a movie about AIDS.

Quote from Scully

Scully: You really think they're going to kill us? Oh, no, now I'm starting to panic sweat.
Jake: Starting to? What have you been doing for the past hour?
Scully: Normal sweating.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Wait a minute. If you get killed, what happens to all your debt? Loophole!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Boyle, may I speak to you?
Charles: I don't know. Are you still mad that I arrested John?
Captain Holt: No. I know he's guilty. I'm just chagrined. Deeply chagrined. I finally understand the old adage, "Never meet your heroes." This is just like when I found out Robert Frost was from ... California.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, you've handled this case with the utmost professionalism, while I've behaved crassly. I think I've figured out a way to make it up to you.
Charles: Oh, my God, is Dianne Wiest here?
Captain Holt: No, I've hired a trio of classical musicians to perform a Shostakovich cantata, originally written as an apology to a dear friend.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Are you stealing kitchen supplies?
Classical Musician: Just let us have this stuff. You have so much, and we have so little.
Captain Holt: Perhaps I'll just buy you a drink instead.
Charles: Yeah, that would be best. Classical musicians are savages.

Quote from Jake

Jake: We're gonna get the rest of these guys. It's time for Operation Beans, phase two, the refrying.

Quote from Jake

Jake: That was very nice of you.
Sergeant Jeffords: They did good. Also, I was worried they might want to go out in the field more, and I need something to keep them at their desks.
Jake: You really think that that is going to keep them at their- And they're both asleep already.
Sergeant Jeffords: And the city's safer for it.
Jake: Sleep tight, you magnificent oafs. You deserve it.

Quote from Charles

Charles: The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth and in my hands.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: You already have a case, Peralta. I assigned it to you this morning.
Jake: That was just some kid with a little bit of pot on him. Meanwhile, Chris Rock is tied up in his basement calling out for my help, and you're standing in my way.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock and Scully are house mouses. They do paperwork and they're good at it. They don't go out in the field.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I'm just happy I'm tall enough to ride.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: So look, a big, important drug case came across my desk, and I need your help. Only problem is, Sarge doesn't think you can handle it.
Hitchcock: He's right.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Terry thinks you guys are too old and too lazy to handle this, but I know what you're really made of. You're gonna take this case and prove him wrong!
Scully: Yeah!
Hitchcock: Whoo-hoo!
Jake: We're still gonna eat lunch, right?

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: I think you owe me an apology.
Jake: I'll apologize to you in hell. I actually don't know what this is about. Sorry I took such a hard stance.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And to do that, we have to think like they do. I'm going in. (Jake sits down in Hitchcock's chair) All right, there's the butt indentation, and [grunts] I'm docked. Ugh. Still warm. All right, residual cushion fart is about a six out of ten.
He's been gone an hour, maybe two.
Sergeant Jeffords: But where?
Jake: Hot dogs. They went for hot dogs.
Sergeant Jeffords: How do you know?
Jake: There's a water stain on the ceiling in the shape of a bun.

Quote from Jake

Scully: You know, the only reason Hitchcock and I took this case is because you said we were great. I'm beginning to think you were lying to us.
Jake: I was lying! I already admitted that.

Quote from Jake

Scully: Well, if anything happens, it's because of you. Right, Mung?
Sergeant Jeffords: Right. If Hitchcock dies, it's 'cause of Pinto.
Jake: Terry, I know that you're mad, but you don't have to jump on the bean train.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: Okay, well, John, you're under arrest.
Captain Holt: What?
Mr. Weichselbraun: Excuse me?
Charles: He staged the robbery for the insurance money because he's broke, because oboists are not celebrities.
Captain Holt: This is ludicrous, Boyle. Do you have one iota of evidence?
Charles: I found the oboe for sale online. We traced the IP address back to Mr. Weichselbraun's computer.
Captain Holt: Oh, John.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, Sarge, everyone knows you're a superhero, so you lower Scully and I into that skylight and then fly down to meet us.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know that's impossible.
Jake: Fine. We'll lower Scully down together, and then flop onto him like a giant mattress.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, you go first, then I lower Scully, and you you get to catch him.
Jake: Great. I love that plan.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Look what I found.
Scully: French fries?
Jake: What? No, it's Hitchcock. Where would I have found French fries in a weed farm?
Scully: Oh, man, look at him. This is bad. He hates standing up.

Quote from Gina

Business Man: Who are you again?
Gina: Gina, from Sales. I have the plant on my desk.
Business Man: Oh, yeah. You want to sit with us.
Gina: We'll all be dead so soon.
Business Man: What?
Gina: I would love to sit.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Ugh. That was a nightmare. I ate a Caesar salad wrap.

Quote from Gina

Amy: I'm so proud of you, you lioness. You faced your fear.
Gina: And I emerged victorious. Yay! (removes a wig)
Rosa: That was a wig?
Gina: You didn't think I'd put my actual hair in a ponytail? Are you insane?

Quote from Scully

Scully: Oh no, he's not gonna last. Oh, Jake, you got to do something. I don't want to marry Hitchcock's wife.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hitchcock, you once told me you could roll that chair anywhere. Think you could take it up those stairs?
Hitchcock: I once rode a chair home in a blizzard. So, yeah, I can go up stairs.
Jake: So do it. Oh, he's amazing. He's like a big, lazy Michelle Kwan.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Scully! Grab his gun.
Scully: (breaks free from being tied up in a chair) It's not sticky because I'm so juicy!

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Hey, chair! Get ready to meet your new best friend: my ass.

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