Charles: Now, this just needs to cook for another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and 6 [boom]
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell, Boyle! You almost killed me! I'm not going out in a stew-making accident! Terry's gonna die saving the President, or Terry's never gonna die!

Marge: And you, Santiago, maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?
Amy: Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Captain Holt: So I just received word from our friend at the Guffin Foundation. Apparently they loved our video submission. What did you send them?
Gina: A cinematic masterpiece is what I sent them.
Captain Holt: Did it feature pizzazz?
Gina: No, none at all, sir. First, I couldn't wrap my head around that concept, but then I realized: do you know which dogs get the most likes on the internet?
Captain Holt: Anatolian Shepherds.
Gina: No, ugly little runts with wonky eyes and tongues that won't stay in their mouths.
Captain Holt: But the Anatolian Shepherd is unrivaled for protecting livestock.

Adrian Pimento: Hitchcock and Scully. Ha. You guys still work here?
Hitchcock: The only way they're getting rid of us is in a body bag.
Scully: It actually happened once, but it was a false alarm.

Charles: Everything is authentic. I even ordered the pressure cooker from Turkmenistan.
Amy: So you're on a terrorist watch list now?
Charles: Oh, yeah, Homeland Security's been in my house, yep.

Rosa: Oh, my God, this guy's got a pancake butt. It's not Pimento. Get out of there, Jake!

Adrian Pimento: Oh, look at that. A bunch of old family photos and personal belongings.
Jake: Pimento's mementos. I know you have a gun on me. I just couldn't resist the rhyme, sorry.

Captain Holt: Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, straightforward tour of the precinct featuring Detective Diaz and me.
Gina: Are you sure? You're not our most dynamic screen presences.
Rosa: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Captain Holt: Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-
Rosa: Sentences.
Captain Holt: Please, don't interrupt me. That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Charles: Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed it can no longer stand.
Scully: Whoo. That's the dream.

Rosa: Because I'm physically attracted to him.
Jake: And that's bad?
Rosa: I'm only attracted to creeps: the Vulture, the ShamWow guy, and when I was a kid, I had a major crush on the evil Gremlin.
Jake: Stripe? Are you crazy?
Rosa: Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.
Jake: I would.

Adrian Pimento: You honestly didn't assume I would hire a look-alike to wear a fake beard and do tai chi in my window?
Jake: No, I definitely didn't assume that.
Adrian Pimento: And plus, you seriously thought that was me? I mean, you've seen me in my underpants. My butt is rock hard. That guy's got a pancake butt.

Adrian Pimento: Sorry, brother. Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay.
Jake: Right. And do you have to do it in your underwear?
Adrian Pimento: I can't take them off, 'cause then you'd be looking right at my penis and testicles.
Jake: Can't argue with that logic.

Charles: The, uh, problem is Marge in facilities is refusing to help. We were actually hoping maybe you could ask her.
Captain Holt: Excuse me? I'm the captain of this precinct. I don't have time to mediate your petty squabbles. I've taken a sacred oath to protect this community, and that is a job I take seriously.
Amy: So you're afraid of her, too, huh?
Captain Holt: Terrified.

Jake: Uh, how'd you get in the apartment?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, it was easy. I just seduced the old lady upstairs, came down the fire escape, jimmied the window open. Bing-bang-boom, I'm inside your living quarters.
Jake: Totally. Course, next time you could just give me a call, you know. Two ways to pop in on a friend.

Jake: Oh, man, bolt cutters? Bolt cutters have literally never been used by an innocent person.
Rosa: I use them all the time when I make jewelry.
Jake: What? Oh, my God. Follow-up questions later.

Charles: Why do you hate us so much?
Marge: I know you call me Mean Marge. Do you even know my last name? Hmm?
Scully: Mop-Bucket?
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, don't guess.

Charles: I figured out the best way to welcome Pimento to the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stay out of his way, maybe buy him a drink, not do anything weird?
Charles: I'm making him a goat stew.
Sergeant Jeffords: Huh, all right.

Captain Holt: So Detective Pimento didn't show up for work today. Any idea why?
Jake: Oh, yeah, I straight up drove him off. Big screw-up on my part. I'm trying this new thing where I just own my mistakes. I like it. Do you?
Captain Holt: I did. Until you bragged about it.
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: Look, I got to get into that trunk.
Rosa: And you need me to break into the car for you?
Jake: What? No, I can do it. Why would you say that?
Rosa: Because one time you lost your keys and you called a tow truck.
Jake: My mom pays for roadside assistance. Why wouldn't I call it?

Adrian Pimento: Well, there's nothing funny about what I did for The Butcher. I've had to learn not to blink, because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror.
Jake: Ooh, dark.
Charles: But how do you keep your eyes moist?

Captain Holt: I wanted a simple, straightforward video tour of the precinct, and you've added the one ingredient I didn't want: pizzazz.
Gina: Pizzazz is who I am. Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Captain Holt: Yes. I wish it were tan.
Gina: What?
Captain Holt: It's my favorite color. It's no-nonsense.

Jake: Look, can I tell you something I've never told anyone before? My time undercover in the Mafia was actually kind of lame. I mean, I wanted it to be badass, but I'm good at computers, so I mostly just helped them switch over from AOL.

Sergeant Jeffords: This is the grossest thing I've ever seen, and I have three kids under the age of four. I live in a house of fluids.

Charles: Mean Marge won't clean up the stew. And also, she suspended our trash service.
Amy: What happened? You didn't grovel enough, did you?
Charles: Seriously, Amy, you're gonna ask Charles Boyle if he groveled enough? Come on!

Gina: You wanted to see me, sir?
Captain Holt: Yes, I have a special project for you.
Gina: Okay, but I'll have you know right now I only fly first class.
Captain Holt: I'm not flying you anywhere.

Jake: Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.
Rosa: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.
Jake: Well, you don't have to.
Rosa: No, I'm gonna.

Marge: I know all your secrets. [snaps fingers] Boyle. You got a taste for fast food.
Charles: [giggles] Those aren't mine. I only eat locally-sourced meats. They could be Terry's. He was fat once, you know?
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell, Boyle?

Captain Holt: Well done, Linetti.
Gina: Sergeant Linetti. I had the fake Holt give me a promotion. He signed the papers and everything.

Captain Holt: I made an application to the M.C. Guffin Foundation for a grant to upgrade our office equipment. Unfortunately, they require a video submission. I understand you have some filmmaking experience.
Gina: Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so, yeah, I'm a director.
Here's what I'm picturing: I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup. Rosa's dressed like a porcupine-

Jake: Sir, can I partner with Pimento on my B&E? That guy is awesome. He's like a real life Donnie Brasco.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't Donnie Brasco a really sad movie that ends terribly?
Jake: Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket, and he's always down at the docks.

Captain Holt: I'm not sure I want you working with Pimento. He's a little unstable.
Adrian Pimento: [banging a computer] Machine!
Captain Holt: Psychologically, this could be a very difficult transition.
Jake: Yeah, I know, I went undercover. 63 days, no big deal. You probably forgot.
Captain Holt: No, it's your outgoing voice mail message.

Captain Holt: All right, he can work the B&E with you. Just make sure you take it easy.
Jake: Uh, sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today. I don't think you need to tell me about taking it easy.
Captain Holt: Are you bragging about being a bad employee?
Jake: No. Dismissed? Me.

Marge: So we're supposed to come running to clean up your mess every time you snap your fat little fingers?
Charles: Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap my fingers, they're always too wet.

Charles: And I just thought, since it's your job-
Marge: Oh, I see. You cops think you're too good to clean up after yourselves?
Charles: Uh no, I can do it myself, I'll just-]
Marge: That's union work! How dare you try to steal our jobs.

Charles: So where do we go from here?
Marge: Well, you know the old saying, "The only way to unclog a toilet is to let it sit."
Charles: You're a janitor. You should know that's not true.

Marge: Boys, take out the trash.
Charles: Oh, great! So you will do it? Oh! I'm the trash, I get it. Okay, that makes more sense with your tone.

Sergeant Jeffords: "Mop-Bucket," Scully?
Scully: It was a educated guess.

Marge: You ever heard the old saying, "Know the garbage, know the man?"
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not a saying.

Rosa: Kitchen, now.
Jake: Okay. What's up?
Rosa: Something's not right about that guy.
Jake: Why, just because he keeps threatening to kill me in the middle of a police precinct? Uh, grow up.

Adrian Pimento: I'm so sorry, Jake! Stupid, Paul! Stupid! You idiot, Paul!
Jake: Hey! Pimento!
Adrian Pimento: Huh?
Jake: Who's Paul?
Adrian Pimento: Whoa. Paul Sneed was my undercover name. 'Kay? Damn it, Jake. I don't know who I am anymore.
Jake: You could have chose any name to go undercover, and you picked Paul Sneed? Seems kind of crazy.

Jake: When I came back from being undercover, they made me see a shrink. But then he told me I had dad issues, and I was like, "You know what, you can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad," so he was a moron.

Adrian Pimento: We're gonna catch these bastards, or my name isn't Paul Sneed.
Jake: Adrian Pimento.
Adrian Pimento: Adrian Pimento.

Rosa: I don't understand why I'm on a wheelchair.
Gina: Cut! For the last time, Rosa, through the magic of special effects, the wheelchair will turn into a horse, but I need you to work with me. Give me a little "hee-yah! Hee-yah!"

Adrian Pimento: This was a mistake. I'm not ready. I knew I wasn't ready to go back to being police. It's the only job I've ever had except for bagging groceries at the supermarket at the corner of Atlantic and Clinton. I guess I could go back to that again. "Paper or plastic?" Yeah, still got it.