Quotes from ‘Monster in the Closet’

Monster in the Closet

Monster in the Closet
Season 4, Episode 6 - Aired November 15, 2016

Pimento and Rosa decide to pick up where they left off and get married, so the whole squad preps a perfect wedding under Amy's careful direction. Pimento enlists Jake and Gina to hunt for his grandmother's ruby earrings for Rosa to wear in the ceremony, but the universe has other plans for them.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: I left my phone in the briefing room. It's been 20 minutes. You think they're still-
Hitchcock: They're not doing anything. Kissing just turned into talk. It's like, why even work here?

Quote from Amy

Amy: All right. Listen up, people. The next 14 hours are gonna be hell, but in the end you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've finally done something worthwhile with your lives.
Sergeant Jeffords: I kinda think the police work we do-
Amy: Eh-eh-eh! I don't have time to stroke your damn ego, Sergeant. Let's make a wedding!

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: Hey, Jake. I need a wedding favor.
Jake: Of course. Anything. Except killing someone, or maiming someone, or breaking the law in any way, or nudity. Also I don't like waking up super early in the morning you know what, why don't you just tell me what you want?

Quote from Gina

Gina: Yeah, people fear me.
Jake: Mm.
Gina: The only reason I'm not your boss right now is 'cause I'd hate to do that to Holt. He needs this.
Jake: And also you're not a cop.
Gina: Well, you're not the basis of a character on "Empire," Jake, but I don't throw that in your face every damn day.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay. First, the good news. I've generated a detailed timeline broken down into 30-second increments to keep us on track. The bad news: we're already 16.5 increments behind schedule.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man. Terry feels overwhelmed.
Amy: Good! Use it! Neil Armstrong was overwhelmed when he walked on the Moon, but you know what he did? He walked on the Moon!

Quote from Scully

Amy: Scully and Hitchcock, you're in charge of seating.
Scully: Smart move, Amy. I've been called the Leonardo da Vinci of sitting on my ass.

Quote from Gina

Jake: Hey, Gina, I could use your help here. You wanna maybe weigh in on this one?
Gina: Yeah, sure. You're right. The marriage is cursed.
Jake: What? No! You weighed in wrong.
Gina: I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen. And I'm not taking your side against the universe's. It's hundred of years old.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Amy, will you taste this batter?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Hmm. I think it's a little off.
Charles: You know what's off? Your mouth! Why Jake lets your stupid tongue anywhere near him, I'll never know. Nope, I forgot the sugar. That's on me.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: While Pimento stares at Rosa, we'll all be staring at her.
Amy: Yes, we will.
Captain Holt: She's truly breathtaking. There's a double meaning to that. The breath that it takes to inflate all those balloons. Of course I used the hand pump, but the bon mot still works.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, wow. That thing's huge. Didn't Rosa want things to be classy? I mean, she's getting married, not finishing a marathon.
Captain Holt: So says the hair guy. Stay in your lane, bucko.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Right, Santiago?
Amy: The arch sucks! I'm sorry. I didn't want to say anything because you're my boss and you were so excited, but the truth is every time I look at it I wanna die and take you with me.
Captain Holt: Well, I wish you'd said something before I spent all day making it. Of course, you didn't want to "burst my bubble". Pun intended. And then you did. [starts popping balloons]

Quote from Hitchcock

Amy: All right, food is ready, decorations are set, guests should start arriving any moment, and the chairs are still perfection.
Scully: She said they're perfection. I'm so proud of you, buddy.
Hitchcock: It was you. You made this happen.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so it seems like they don't wanna get married. But is it even our place to say something?
Amy: No, right?
Jake: Right?
Amy: It's their decision, even if it's a bad one. They could always get divorced.
Jake: People love getting divorced! My parents got divorced, and all it did was scar our family for years and years.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: I was my own sign the whole time? Wow, that's a real M.
Night Shyamalan twist- Oh! [snaps] "Signs"! [Jake and Gina gasp] Wait, do you think he's behind all of this?
Jake: I do not.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Anyway, we can't let all this go to waste. Everybody, clear these chairs out of here, and let's get this party started.
Hitchcock: No, not the chairs!
Scully: Don't touch the chairs, you monsters!

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: What do you have in there?
Captain Holt: A balloon arch.
Rosa: Oh, my God, Captain. She is magnificent.
Captain Holt: Vindication!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian Pimento: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Sergeant Jeffords: Can we back up? What were you doing in Boyle's closet in the first place?
Adrian Pimento: Well, I still had a key from when I was crashing there last year, and I wanted to shower and anoint my body with essential oils before I saw Rosa.
Duh.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Why were you in jail?
Adrian Pimento: Ah, I got shot down smuggling ammo to a rebel group, flying an old Soviet prop plane. They tortured us. Made me eat my co-pilot's tongue. Oof, now I've got a taste for it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I'll see about getting you reinstated to the NYPD immediately.
Gina: I think this deserves another hug.
Adrian Pimento: Me too.
Captain Holt: Nope. One was sufficient.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Adrian Pimento: When I was in that Uzbek prison, choking on my own blood because my face was being beaten in, I realized, life is funny!
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you realized?

Quote from Rosa

Adrian Pimento: And we want it to be beautiful, and lush, and romantic, just like a Nancy Meyers movie.
Rosa: She's our favorite director.
Jake: Aw. I love "You've Got Mail".
Rosa: That's Nora Ephron, you idiot.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Wait, hold up. Planning a wedding like that in 14 hours would be the greatest organizational challenge in history. How are you gonna do it?
Rosa: I was kinda hoping you would.
Amy: I thought I was supposed to get you guys the wedding present! Of course I will!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: I'll do it, it's fine. But I should warn you, my car is a piece of junk and it's always breaking down.
Adrian Pimento: Ah, come on! The universe isn't gonna let anything bad happen to two best friends unless we're in a fiery crash, and our bodies are burned beyond recognition.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Charles, you're in charge of food. I've been planning a nuptial menu since the day I met Genevieve. Warning, it will be delicious and highly erotic.
Rosa: Your menu is not gonna involve animal genitalia, is it?
Charles: No, I was gonna make ... not that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: And, Captain, you can help me decorate.
Captain Holt: I'm at your disposal, just tell me what to do. I'm here to implement your vision.
Amy: Well, we just wanna keep it classy.
Captain Holt: Got it. Balloon arch.
Amy: What?
Captain Holt: Say no more, it's done. I'm off to the nearest balloon store.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Okay, Rosa. You go to the office, have a couple bellinis, and just relax.
Rosa: What's a Bellini?
Amy: Peach juice and champagne.
Rosa: Peach juice and champagne? What am I, six?
Amy: [sighs] Come on, just try it. It's what Nancy Meyers would drink.
Rosa: Fine. For Nancy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Come on. I mean, they're just earrings, right? We can get another pair, or we could make some new ones. All we need is, like, a blacksmith. Or a smelter a smelt man. That can't be right.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: No, Jake. You don't understand. The universe is sending me a sign. And when the universe talks, I listen!
Jake: Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so-
Adrian Pimento: What? Then you deserve to die.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: The sign was real. If I ignore it and marry Rosa anyway, I'm basically asking the universe to stomp on my balls.

Quote from Gina

Jake: What if there was something in the universe that could prove to you that you should still get married? What would that be?
Gina: Finding his grandma's earrings. Or we could cut Rosa's ears off, and then it's like the earrings don't even make sense.
Adrian Pimento: Thank you! Someone's trying to help.

Quote from Scully

Amy: How are the chairs coming, guys?
Hitchcock: Shh. We're working!
Scully: This one's good.
Amy: Okay. So we'll go with that one?
Scully: No, I said it was good. I didn't say it was right.
Amy: Wow, you're taking this really seriously.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Whoa, you really made the balloon arch.
Captain Holt: Made? No. I birthed her. There's no form more graceful than the arch, no object more whimsical than the balloon.
Amy: Yes, you and I think that, but what will Rosa think?
Captain Holt: Good point. Rosa would want a much, much bigger balloon arch. Back to the balloon store.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, Amy? We've got a problem.
Amy: What?
Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa's drunk.
Amy: Rosa? No! How?
Rosa: Bellinis rule! Nancy Meyers, you've done it again, you saucy bitch.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Don't worry, Amy. I got this. I'm a master at sobering up.
Amy: Are you sure?
Charles: Uh, you don't go to the Renaissance Faire every weekend in your 20s without learning how to handle your mead.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Enough! I'm so sick of this garbage, all right? The two of you need to stop looking for signs everywhere - Oh, my God, a sign.
Gina: Whoo! He can fly! Prop planes! You can fly, you can fly!
Jake: I'm a vessel for the universe.

Quote from Scully

Amy: Wow. The chairs look amazing. I can't believe you two aren't my biggest problem today.
Hitchcock: We're not? Who is?
[off-screen] Captain Holt: My arch. Isn't she beautiful?
*Amy rolls her eyes*
Scully: I got eye-rolled to, not about!

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles didn't sober up Rosa. She got him drunk!
Amy: Oh, no. How drunk is he?
Sergeant Jeffords: Remember the night they cancelled "Bunheads"?
Amy: We're ruined.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: This is just 18 shots of espresso. It got me through the first three months of having twins, but I imagine it'll sober you up too.

Quote from Gina

Jake: Okay, this is very scary, but it's okay, because you're a trained pilot.
Adrian Pimento: No, I'm not. I'm self-taught.
Jake: What?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah. You can learn anything online. Ooh, you should see me do origami.
Gina: Oh, do you know how to do a frog?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, no!
Gina: Can you do a swan?
Adrian Pimento: No.
Gina: Can you do a crane?
Adrian Pimento: What's a crane?
Gina: Okay, he does not know how to fly a plane.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I lost my V-card to the woman that refilled Nana's oxygen tanks. Her hands were so strong from turning the nozzles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: This is a room of nightmares.
Captain Holt: You're the nightmare. You made me kill my balloon baby. Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating like a beatnik.

Quote from Hitchcock

Amy: Scully, Hitchcock, bring the frost. [they unleash fire extinguishers on Rosa, Charles, Jeffords and Holt] Nice job, you two.
Hitchcock: We are nailing it today!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I suppose I can see how a balloon arch might've been a little too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah, for sure.
Captain Holt: No, you're supposed to say, "This wedding looks like garbage."
Sergeant Jeffords: This wedding looks like garbage.
Captain Holt: No, no. As long as the bride's happy.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Hey, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah.
Jake: We gotta talk.
Adrian Pimento: Really? Right now? I'm working on my vows. Hey, what rhymes with juicy heinie?
Jake: Nothing. Nothing rhymes with that. I would cut that line.
Adrian Pimento: But that's all I have.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Look, I spent the whole day denying the fact that there were signs, but I was wrong. They were actually there.
Adrian Pimento: So far, duh.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: All right, I'm not sure how much time we have, but anybody know a joke?
Hitchcock: Oh, I do! Two Jews walk into a-
Jake: No! Sit down! No, definitely not.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Rosa: Also, in just 14 hours Amy put together the most amazing non-wedding wedding in history.
Amy: Better than "Sleepless in Seattle".
Adrian Pimento: Nope. That is also Nora Ephron. Kill yourself.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: The important thing is you're safe and sound and back in Brooklyn.
Adrian Pimento: Thank you, Captain. [Pimento hugs Holt] Ooh, you smell good! Wowza.
Captain Holt: And end of hug.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Rosa: We're picking up where we left off when Adrian went into hiding. We're getting married tomorrow.
Sergeant Jeffords: Tomorrow. That's real quick.
Adrian Pimento: Thank you, Sarge.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Cool, I need to go to Neustadter, New York. I gotta pick up a pair of ruby earrings I pawned before I went into hiding.
Jake: Neustadter's like six hours away. I'm not so sure we can get there and back in time.
Adrian Pimento: Jake, there's no wedding without the earrings. My grandmother wore them on her wedding day, and said they blessed her union. Do you want this union to be blessed, Jake? Or do you want this union to be friggin' unblessed?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Terry, you're on hair and makeup. I've seen your little girls' pigtails, so I know you can do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: They actually prefer my hair work to their mommy's. [giggles] I love their little heads. [sobs]
Rosa: Terry, what's going on, man?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just a matter of time before I'm doing their hair at their weddings. [stammers] It goes so fast. They're still babies!
Amy: Pull it together, Jeffords!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: So, big day. How you feeling, buddy?
Adrian Pimento: Good, giddy. [laughs] I've never felt giddy before. Didn't realize how close it was to hungry.
Jake: You know, it's possible you're just hungry. When's the last time you ate?
Adrian Pimento: Uh, three days ago?
Jake: Ah.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Gina: You excited for being married?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah! I love Rosa. I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her earholes, and eat the hair off her head. Hoo! I'm giddy.
Gina: Aw, that's cute.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Suck it, universe!
Gina: Are you crazy? Why would you even say that?
Adrian Pimento: Come on, man!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Are you sure it's the same necklace?
Adrian Pimento: Uh, yeah, Jake. I once punched it through a guy's throat, so I'm pretty sure I remember it.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Rosa, what happened?
Rosa: Sorry. I didn't know you could drunk off champers. I mean, it's half bubbles.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I love her so much. I wanna marry her butt so bad.
Rosa: To Genevieve's butt!
Charles: To Genevieve's butt!

Quote from Jake

Gina: Check it out! Rainstick. Keeping it.
Jake: No, you're not. That is a crime.
Gina: Untrue. Once you steal something, none of your stuff belongs to you.
Adrian Pimento: I've heard that too.
Jake: No, you haven't. No one has. Put that down.

Quote from Gina

Jake: Look, it's gonna be fine. We'll get the car fixed and make it back in time. Gina, when's the tow truck getting here?
Gina: No idea, I'm talking to my spiritual adviser. He says we have an engine problem.
Jake: Yeah, I know, that's why I said call a tow truck!
Gina: So you admit my spiritual adviser is right?

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake, you done good, kid. Glad I took you along for the ride.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, give it up for Charles. Yeah! [applause]
Charles: No, give it up for the devil sticks. They're the real heroes here.
Jake: No, they are not. No one thinks that.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: All right, we have an announcement to make. We're not getting married.
All: Aww!
Rosa: You can shove those "awws" up your butts.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, or I'll come out there, and I'll do it for ya!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Shut up! Thank you for the presents. We're keeping them.
Rosa: All of them.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, if you got a problem with it, come talk to us in the parking lot.

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