Sergeant Jeffords: And, Gina, you can't run that space heater 24/7 anymore.
Gina: Space heater? Excuse me, this is a Fornax Radiant Comfort System, and her name is Jacinta.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, well, Jacinta's gotta go.
Gina: He didn't mean that, darling.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously, turn off the space heater.
Gina: No.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do it, now. That's an order.
Gina: Yeah, well, you don't wanna start a battle of the wills with Gina Linetti because you will emerge from that battle a broken man. Not to brag, but I was name-checked in my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh my God.

Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? The heater's under your skirt?
Gina: Maybe. You can't prove that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I can. There's a cord running under it, and I think you may be on fire.
Gina: Mm, so?
Sergeant Jeffords: What do you mean "so"?
Gina: I'm not giving up Jacinta.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are on fire, Gina. You do not have the upper hand in this situation.
Gina: I always have the upper hand.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not when there's flames shooting out of your butt!
Gina: Especially when there's flames shooting out of my butt.

Jake: That was a train wreck.
Captain Holt: Yes, he never should have been put in that position. Whoever recommended him for the medal and called all those reporters really messed up.
Jake: Wait, what are you saying?
Captain Holt: Oh, nothing. It just seems as if C.J. has been overmined.
Jake: You did this?
Captain Holt: I did.
Jake: And you used my made-up word.
Captain Holt: I hated it, "overmined." What have I become? Was this whole thing even worth it?
Jake: It was no snaccident.

Amy: That's why they say "it's test time, so diaper up." They say that, I've never said that. I've never worn a diaper during test. Who would wear a diaper during a test? That's ridiculous, I mean-

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: But the bag is missing, so - Hey, how big of a deal is it if I, um, if I never find it?
Jake: I'd say it's a very-
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Ah-uh-uh-uh. Sugarcoat it for me.
Jake: Okay, um, no biggie.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Ahh, that is great news. Thank you so much. Hey, if you see something, say something. Oh, that is catchy, huh? It's like, I just made up a hit song.
Jake: Nope, very common police expression.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: If you see somethin' say somethin', come on and party tonight.

Captain Holt: Uh, can I help you, Captain Stentley?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, hey, uh, did you guys see a black backpack sitting around anywhere?
Captain Holt: I did not.
Jake: No.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Aww, shoot, this is turning out to be a real cluster-biff.
Jake: Why? What's in the backpack?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Uh, just some evidence. Do you guys know a drug dealer named Flaco?
Captain Holt: Oh, yeah, he's a big-time supplier, consolidated half the territory in Brooklyn.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Well, the bag belongs to one of his runners, and it contains, like, a football's worth of cocaine. I'm not good with sizes. And a cell phone.
Jake: And you think that the cell phone might have Intel that could lead us to Flaco.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: I do now. That's a great theory!

Jake: Hey there, Boyle. How was your weekend?
Charles: Well, actually I got a little sick.
Jake: Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.
Charles: Yeah, "Bullets over Broadway" was on TV. And I came down with a big ol' Dianne Wiest infection. *silent stares between Jake and Charles* Like "yeast."

Rosa: NYPD, get down on the comfortable matted floor.
Charles: Put your magical hands where we can see them.
Rosa: You're under arrest for ruining something perfect.
Charles: And money laundering.
Rosa: Yes, money laundering, whatever.

Jake: Great, I'll go get C.J.
Captain Holt: Why? Why are you so determined to make him a part of this?
Jake: No reason.
Captain Holt: If you actually cared about your sacred oath, you'd see that he's a risk to the case. [laughs] Oh, my speech didn't actually inspire you, did it?
Jake: Ugh, all right, here's the truth. If we catch Flaco, and C.J. gets credit for it, he's gonna transfer out of the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: That's what this is all about? You're still trying to undermine the man?
Jake: What? No! The opposite, if anything. I want to see him succeed. I'm trying to overmine him.
Captain Holt: Oh, you know I hate it when you make up words, Peralta.
Jake: Are you still mad at me for saying "snaccident"?
Captain Holt: Yes, very.

Jake: Why are there so many reporters? Even the Times is here.
Captain Holt: Wait, really? Who'd they send? Wilson, Palmer, Schneier, Levine, Rogers, Tyler, Baker, Correal, Bromwich, Robbins, Schmidt?
Jake: Stop saying reporters' names. How do you know so many names?
Captain Holt: They're the only real rock stars we have left.

Jake: You keep an eye on the door. If anyone suspicious walks in, let us know in our ear pieces.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, I could do that, absolutely. You know, actually I saw those ear pieces on "Ellen." One time, Justin Bieber was on, and he was supposed to be, like, a security guard, only-
Jake: C.J., I'm loving the story, but we gotta go in.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: I'll finish later.
Jake: TBC.

Jake: Hey, C.J., you upset about something, man? Maybe something in your career?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Yeah, I told the brass that I lost the bag and I screwed up the whole Flaco case, and you were wrong, it was a biggie.
Jake: Yeah, well, you told me to sugarcoat it.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: And whose fault it that, Jake?
Jake: Yours.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: I know.

Captain Holt: He's out cold, how'd you do it?
Jake: No, no, wait. Let me guess. You opened your car door into him.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Yep.
Jake: He never saw it coming.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Yep.
Jake: And neither did you. It was a total accident; you were getting out of your car to go pee.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: No! There was a spider in the car, and I panicked.
Jake: Damn it, how did I not guess that?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You gotta see this spider. It's gigantic.

Captain Holt: Where's C.J.? Parked a block away on Winthrop, as promised.
Jake: Don't worry, he's not going anywhere. I downloaded an app on his phone that makes your words sound like burps.
Captain Holt: Smart, really smart.

Amy: This is about Terry. You can't tell anyone else this, but-
Gina: He failed his lieutenant's exam.
Amy: How do you know that?
Gina: Let's just say my little birds are everywhere collecting whispers. He left the letter on his desk, and I read it.

Amy: Gina, can I talk to you for a second?
Gina: Yeah, what's up? Let me guess, you and Jake are having problems; you want me to teach you how to kiss?
Amy: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss, I've read books.

Sergeant Jeffords: What is all this?
Gina: Oh, hey, Sarge. I'm growing tropical plants now in the warmth of my three space heaters. It's getting a little hot though, wouldn't you say? Ugh, oh, yeah. Probably also turn on my portable air conditioning unit. Boop.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're not gonna beat me, Gina. This is my last stand.
Gina: My whole life is last stands.

Jake: Please, just let him come along.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: Just so his name is on the arrest report.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: I'll put him in a car a block away.
Captain Holt: Fine. At least tell me what it was about my speech that didn't work for you.
Jake: [sighs] Oh, man, if I had to boil it down to one thing and really pinpoint it, I guess I would just say it's, uh, ya boring. But still let him come? Great.

Rosa: Charles, this is amazing.
Charles: I know, when's the last time you cried like that?
Rosa: Huh? You cried?
Charles: Damn right, I did.

Rosa: So the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year. To make that much, they'd have to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the entire year.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You know, I actually did DJ my sister's wedding.
It did not turn out well. Apparently, there's such a thing as too much Smash Mouth.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, I won!
Amy: You did it, Sarge. You're gonna get our power usage down.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care about that crap. I took down Gina Linetti. I did the impossible. Terry is back on top. Diaper up!

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for hand-laminating, Santiago.
Amy: Of course, if you ask me, saving energy is trending. Oh, Gina, didn't see you there.

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Jason Stentley has been transferred from active duty effective immediately. Captain Raymond Holt will be taking his place, and, yes, he's taking all of us with him.
Amy: You mean-
Jake: Yes, Amy. We're back on the day shift!
Sergeant Jeffords: Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!
Jake: Come on and party tonight!

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Um, just out of curiosity, how how scared are you guys?
Jake: Not at all. How about you?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: I'm terrified, but, you know, I just keep telling myself, worst comes to worst, just start shooting things, you know?
Captain Holt: I think it might be better if you stayed in the van.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Wait, are you trying to sideline me?
Captain Holt: Yes.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, thank God.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, guys, department has a new green initiative. We have to reduce energy usage by 15%. That means no more laminating, Santiago.
Amy: Oh, that's fine. It's not the thing that gives me the most pleasure in life. Interacting with other people, that's what gets me going.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, Hitchcock, lose the chocolate fountain.
Scully: What are we supposed to dip our strawberries in? Our nacho cheese fountain? That's crazy.
Hitchcock: Unless ... [dipping a strawberry in the cheese fountain and eating it] Sarge, you beautiful bastard!

Captain Holt: Any luck finding the missing backpack?
Jake: No, but I did find C.J.'s wallet, badge, and gun on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I'm assuming he doesn't know they're missing.
Captain Holt: Mm.
Jake: Why are you helping this guy, sir? He's the opposite of everything you stand for. His favorite expression is "that's gonna leave a mark." And he doesn't even use it right.

Charles: 'Ello, me lady. It's your matey lil' Charlie Boyle, innit, love?

Jake: Did they fire you?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Worse. They're pulling my transfer.
Jake: What transfer, what now?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, I've just been feeling overwhelmed with this job, and I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a little in over my head.
Jake: Completely unqualified, yeah.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It is so cool that you get me.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Anyway, I heard that they were hiring a head administrator at the Police Academy, so I put in for it.
Jake: Wait, you wanna train other officers?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Well, the nine years at the academy were some of the best years of my life.
Jake: That's a six-month program.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Sure, for a lot of people.

Jake: No, no, no, no, no, no. All is not lost. We can still fix this.
So, sure, maybe you can't get back the backpack, but you could do something even better. Like, what if you single-handedly figure out who Flaco is and then you take him down.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, come on, Jake. I'll just screw it up like I screw up everything else.
Jake: No, you won't, because I will be there to help you, but don't worry, you'll still get all the credit. Listen to me, C.J., we're gonna get you the hell out of here.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Are you sugarcoating this for me?
Jake: I most certainly am not.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Whoo, that's gonna leave a mark.
Jake: Ahh.

Amy: Oooh, that's a nice lam job. This one goes on the blog.

Amy: Sorry, look, don't give up on the green initiative. You're a great sergeant. You'll get everyone on board.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not Gina.
Amy: Yes, Gina. You can handle her. You can do this. Sarge, it's test time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaper up.

Charles: Let me make it slightly better by paying a strong-handed woman to literally milk the stress from your feet.
Rosa: Just shut up, I'll do it once.
Charles: [gasps] Yes!
Rosa: As long as you promise to never ever talk about foot milk again.

Jake: I just realized how important my duty as a police officer is to me, you know? The sacred oath I took. Your speech really inspired me.
Captain Holt: Well, it was one of my better ones. Felt really good as I was saying it.

Amy: Okay, but if you know he's depressed, then why are you being so hard on him?
Gina: Don't worry, I got this. Just clear the lane and let Gina do her thing.
Amy: What? Ugh. [rattling] Gina? You locked me in.
Gina: Going to lunch.
Amy: Gina, you know I'm very claustrophobic.

Captain Holt: Stop talking!

Jake: You think that disapproving glare works on me after all the times I've seen it? Step it up, find something new, ya boring.

Rosa: Oh, guess we gotta get back to the Nine-Nine.
Charles: Let's not be hasty. Neither of us have any open cases right now, so should we tell the ladies we're ready for round two?
Rosa: Let's do it, you insatiable little minx.

Captain Holt: Well, he's not our best, but I won't be part of any sneaky subterfuge designed to undermine him.
Jake: You think you're so great just 'cause you always do what's good and right. Well, I've got news for you: ya boring.
Captain Holt: You know who else was called "boring"? Andreas Marggraf. And you know what he did?
Jake: He discovered zinc, because you've used that one on me before because, uh, ya boring.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Whoo, that soup is good. That's gonna leave a mark.
Jake: What?

Charles: Thank you for coming along with me on this manhunt. I needed your help.
Rosa: No problem, who are we looking for?
Charles: He's a one-armed smuggler from the dunes of Tunisia. He goes by the name of Senor Riff Raff.
Rosa: You're taking me to that foot massage place.
Charles: I am taking you to the foot massage place! I made that whole thing up.
Rosa: Shocking.

Charles: Damn it, we have to shut them down.
Rosa: Wait. Let's not be hasty about this. Let's think this through. We wanna be smart about this.
Charles: Right, I mean, what if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him, and my foot cramps up?
Rosa: Due to lack of massaging.
Charles: And then the murderer gets away.
Rosa: And you know who he kills next? The mayor.
Charles: Oh, my God, the city has no mayor now.
Rosa: It's chaos. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.
Charles: They gotta call in the National Guard, there's tanks rolling down 5th Avenue, declaring martial law.
Rosa: It's insane. All because we shut down the foot massage place.
Charles: That was doing God's work. What were we thinking.
Rosa: So it's agreed: we let them stay open for the sake of the city.
Charles: For the sake of the city.
Rosa: We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?
Charles: Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.

Jake: But just because you're in the van doesn't mean you're not an important part of the mission. Your job will be to keep an eye on the restaurant. And, if anybody suspicious walks in, you just-
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Run everybody over with the van and then back up if they're still moving.
Jake: Don't try and guess where I'm going with it.

Jake: This is our chance. If C.J. can't find that evidence, he could be fired.
This could be our way back onto the day shift. Come on and party tonight Wow! It's actually a really catchy song.
Captain Holt: There's nothing to celebrate. Captain Stentley is going to find that evidence because we're gonna help him.
Jake: What? No, this is our chance to undermine him. Come on and party tonight.
Captain Holt: Peralta, we're police officers. We have a duty to protect this city. We took an oath, a sacred oath. What if those drugs end up on the street or a dangerous criminal is set free because of missing evidence?
Jake: [sighs] Okay, you know, you're trying to say it's whatever because you just [indistinct].
Captain Holt: You're fumfering.
Jake: Of course I'm fumfering. Fine, we'll find the bag. Come on and party tonight. Damn it.