Amy: Hey. I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?
Jake: I don't know. When we were back there racing through the Miranda Rights, I just looked over at you and thought, "You're awesome. And you're good at doing things." I mean, sure, I'll miss towel, but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.
Amy: Are you sure about this?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable. You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer? "Smells like home."
Sergeant Jeffords: He's lying, Amy. His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
Amy: Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer. He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry. Quit being such a Malfoy.
Amy: Yeah, Terry.

Amy: Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts. Two more, and we win.
Charles: Huh, just two? (SCOFFS) No sweat. Literally.
Jake: Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.
Charles: Oh, these lil' ol' things? [Charles licks his finger and lightly touches his rear-end while making a sizzling sound] Tsst.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Why'd you put your finger in the middle?

Captain Holt: Now, we just have to figure out what language she's speaking so we can find a translator. Here, ma'am. Take a look at this map of the world.
Rosa: You just keep one of those on you?
Captain Holt: Of course. In case I ever need to prove my point in an argument.
[cut to Captain Holt arguing with a man on the street:]
Captain Holt: Laos.
Man: Fine!
[back:]
Captain Holt: Oh, it was better than fine. It was Laos.

Captain Holt: Nice work, men. You can put your perp in holding with the other three convicts.
Jake: Wait. Other three?
Captain Holt: Yeah. Santiago and Boyle brought them in.
Amy: That's right. It's three to one. Guess you won't be needing this anymore since you'll be moving in with me.
Jake: My towel.
Amy: Yeah, your towel. [tries to ignite it with a lighter] Why won't it burn?
Jake: Because it never fully dries. The towel lives, and so do we!

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, look. You think it's our guys?
Jake: Maybe. But this is New York, so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."

Marshawn Lynch: I ain't seen anything. I was eating my quesadilla. It was a good one. Chicken, cheese, guac. But they forgot my pico de gallo.
[5 minutes later:] I remember when I was a little boy, my mama used to make this, uh, she used to call it "fo' cheese." What y'all call it? Y'all call it "four"?
[12 minutes later] How come they never make quesadillas with sausage? You throw some tomato sauce in there and call it a pizza-dilla - What you think?
Rosa: What is going on?
[21 minutes later:]
Marshawn Lynch: This one time, I tried to wait up all night to catch Santa Claus, right? You know how they tell you you got to put the cookies and the milk out?
[36 minutes later:] I don't really be telling nobody this, but I like to sleep with the fan on, even when it's chilly outside. All about that white noise, baby.
Rosa: Stop. Stop talking, Marshawn Lynch. Did you see anything after the van crashed? Yes or no?
Marshawn Lynch: Nope. Like I told you, I was just eating my quesadilla. Have I talked to y'all about my pizza-dilla invention?

Amy: Got him.
Charles: Oh, well, you know, I think that makes it four to four.
Jake: No. No. You don't get credit for this guy. I was in the middle of negotiating, and he was about to give up. Tell him, guy.
Guy: No, I was probably gonna kill him, then let you kill me.
Jake: Oh, my God. I should've been way more scared.

Jake: That's right, y'all. We went to Homeland Security. Yep, this beauty comes fully equipped with thermal imaging, a satellite link-up, and she plugs in to every surveillance camera in the city.
Sergeant Jeffords: And she's also got a holding cell, which is big enough for three perps. Jake, counting this guy, how many perps have we caught and placed in the three-perp perp cell?
Jake: Well, Sarge, we've placed three perps in the three-perp perp cell.
Sergeant Jeffords: So, the three-perp perp cell's full?
Jake: Full of three perps is the three-perp perp cell.
Amy: Okay, stop saying "perps" and "cell" and "three."

Amy: Oh, come on! Where did you guys even come from?
Jake: (HORN HONKS) Your nightmares. Hey, Amy, allow me to introduce you to Big Bertha.
Charles: Okay, I guess I'm not worth introducing to your truck.

Captain Holt: What are you trying to tell us? Is this some kind of a clue?
Woman: (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Rosa: Draw better. We have no idea what this is.
Scully: I think it's a cookie.
Hitchcock: No. It's a pizza.
Both: (GASP) It's a cookie pizza!
Scully: Another case solved.

Amy: So, I know you're Jake's best friend, and-
Charles: Did he say that? Did you get that on tape?
Amy: No.
Charles: No, he didn't say that or no, you didn't get it on tape? Doesn't matter. Either way, you screwed up big time.

Amy: Anyway, all I'm saying is I know you're Jake's best friend and you really want him to win this bet-
Charles: Are you kidding? That's the last thing I want. Jake moving in with you is my dream come true. Your apartment is two blocks away from mine. Jake will be able to pop by any time. (GASPS) Imagine it. He's had a tough day. He's fighting with Amy. You know how you let things escalate. So, he just walks over to my place, bottle of wine in hand, and we just talk it out. And then by the time that bottle's finished, you've come to your senses and apologized.
Amy: Maybe I don't want to win this bet.

Amy: I love these thermal goggles.
Charles: Amy, listen to me very carefully. If you and Jake are thinking of trying, you are ovulating like crazy right now.
Amy: You take that helmet off before I knock it off.
Charles: What? Your basal temperature is off the charts. This is a good thing.

Gina: I believe it was human rights leader Abdala who once said "When the choir shouts the loudest, the most powerful one is silent."
Rosa: That doesn't even make any sense.
Gina: Well, I might have paraphrased it incorrectly.

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the precinct escaped convict number one! Terry, where's the music? That was the cue.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't have that Queen song on my phone. I wasn't gonna pay $1.99 for it.

Jake: I can't believe Leonardo lived in this. I mean, Michelangelo I get. He's kind of a sloppy dude. But Leo is so fastidious.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, shut up.
Jake: Sarge, we're in a sewer. I'm goin'st to talk about the Turtles.

Charles: Also I got this Flo-Tech performance polo with moisture-wicking technology. Kept me dry all morning. And a dry boy is a smart boy.
Amy: Ugh, he keeps saying that. Charles, you've gotten negative reactions from everyone who's heard it.
Charles: I needed to see what Jake thought.
Jake: Oh, I hated it.
Charles: Really? Ugh.

Amy: Why did you stop?
Jake: I'm done. You win.
Amy: What?
Jake: I love you. I want to move in to your apartment.
Amy: Really? I love you too.
Charles: Oh, my God, what a beautiful moment. And, you guys, Amy's ovulating as we speak!
Jake: What?
Amy: Charles!

Captain Holt: So, where are you from?
Rosa: Where did you grow up?
Captain Holt: (SPEAKING SLOWLY) Where were you born?
Rosa: What are you miming there, sir?
Captain Holt: A child tying his tie. Uh-huh. I'm trying to do a simple Half Windsor so she knows I'm a baby. Look at this. See how basic this knot is?

Jake: What's the score now? Are you guys still ahead? Let me just check. Oh, drone! Little help? (DRONE BUZZING) Yeah, I can't read that score. What does it say? Anyway, I'm sure you're tracking whatever the score is. All right, thank you, drone. That'll be all. Whoop! Didn't see the tree there. Big Bertha has a drone. That's what's important.

Jake: I'm gonna catch this last fugitive, win the bet, and then we're gonna live together for the rest of our relationship. Just you and me and towel makes three.

Rosa: Why don't you two move in together already? I thought you were planning to.
Amy: We are. We just haven't decided whose apartment we're going to live in. I think Jake should move into mine, because it's bigger, nicer, and isn't covered in black mold.
Jake: Black mold, Amy? Not cool. Right, Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: I rest my case.

Captain Holt: Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I was wondering if you could answer some questions about the car accident you witnessed this morning.
Woman: (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Captain Holt: What's she trying to tell us?
Rosa: I don't know. Probably "Never meet your heroes, 'cause they're gonna turn out to be friendly."
Captain Holt: You need to get over this Marshawn Lynch situation real quick.

Captain Holt: Yes, well, I have other matters to attend to. So, Detective Diaz, just take down everything Mr. Lynch has to say.
Rosa: Captain!

Charles: Oh, love the shirt, Jake. Lilith Fair '98 had the best lineup. Meshell Ndegeocello crushed it that year.
Jake: Thank you, Boyle, but this is not my shirt. I slept at Amy's and I spilled ranch dressing on mine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't you have a drawer full of clothes at her place by this point?
Jake: Yeah, I spilled ranch dressing all over the drawer. What's so hard to understand about this, guys?

Captain Holt: No, he said that the lizard-people live under the streets. He means the sewers. He saw someone go from the van into the sewers. Look.
Rosa: It's a manhole cover.
*Captain Holt and Rosa repeat the foreign woman's phrase*
Woman: [EXCLAIMS]

Sergeant Jeffords: It's been two hours, and nothing on the last guy. He's gonna get away.
Jake: Where are you, number nine? Think. If I was an escaped murderer, where would I hide? (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: Where?
Jake: Oh, I have no idea. I just thought if I gasped I could force an epiphany. And I did. No, that didn't work either. Or did it? Still no. Unless-
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop it, Jake!

Gina: But allow me to introduce to you Rob. Rob, come on in. He called the tip line.
Rosa: But he's so not crazy-looking.
Gina: Rosa, have Abdala and I taught you nothing about stereotyping? I'm beginning to feel like you're our biggest project, sweetie.
Captain Holt: Enough. What did he tell you?
Gina: Well, let's find out, okay? Together. Rob, do you want to share your experience with the group?
Rob: Gladly. Okay, so, you know how there's a subterranean race of lizard-people living beneath the city who control our minds with their pheromones?
Captain Holt: Okay, he's a wackadoodle. Gina, get your wackadoodle out of here.

Captain Holt: Patrol officers have secured a ten-block perimeter. All civilians are being evacuated. Here's what the convicts were in for: arson, kidnapping, racketeering, assault and battery, forgery and counterfeiting, triple homicide.
Jake: Whoo! What? I'm not excited about the murders. I'm excited about the chance to avenge them. You guys are the weird ones.

Woman: (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Captain Holt: It really sounds Slavic. Does anyone here know any Slavic languages?
Hitchcock: Oh, I'm great at languages. Watch this. (YELLING) Hello! I am Hitchcock!
Scully: (YELLING) Thank you for the cookie-pizza idea!

Amy: Well, there's just one convict left. Whoever finds him wins.
Jake: Yeah. I guess you could say he's the Golden Snitch.
Amy: Wait. Was that a "Harry Potter" reference?
Jake: It most definitely was. I started reading them 'cause you love them so much.
Amy: And?
Jake: You were right. They're incredible. Remember when I called in sick the other day? I was at home reading "Order of the Phoenix."
Amy: Oh, this makes me so happy! How sad is it when Cedric dies?
Jake: I was crushed. Literally crying on the toilet.
Amy: Aww.

Jake: Okay, stay cool. We can work this out. I'm a trained hostage negotiator.
I got my friend's sperm back from his ex-wife last year. Well, she destroyed half of it, and he decided to adopt, but-
Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta!
Jake: Right. Sorry.

Sergeant Jeffords: I get that the streets are empty, but slow down, man. Terry forgot his Dramamine.

Jake: Okay, satellite images showed one of the two remaining convicts entered this building. If we catch him, that's five. I win the bet. Amy moves in with me. I lord it over her. She's miserable. We live happily ever after. It's fool-proof.

Jake: Stakes are high, Sarge. I know it doesn't matter to you, but I really want to beat Amy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't matter? Look, I am completely on board. You need your own space. I had a painting studio in my apartment.
Jake: Was this in the '90s? Did you wear overalls and no shirt?
Sergeant Jeffords: Every chance I got.
Jake: (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: But then I moved in with Sharon. And then the kids came along. You know where I have to paint now?
[cut to Sergeant Jeffords painting in a small closet]
Sergeant Jeffords: (CLATTERING) My acrylics!
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not gonna let you lose this bet. The march toward the closet starts with a single step.
Jake: Cool. So, basically just telling me not to get married and have kids.

Jake: Let's go after the arsonist first. I thought of the perfect thing to say when we catch him that no one else could ever have possibly-
Sergeant Jeffords: "You're burnt"?
Jake: ... No.

Captain Holt: Okay, we need to figure out whether this crash was an accident or part of a deliberate escape plan. Gina, I need you manning the tip line.
Rosa: Ha-ha! Good luck talking to the crazies.
Gina: Crazies? Oh, Rosa. Sad Rosa. Have some respect for your fellow human beings.
Rosa: What has gotten into you?
Gina: Solange just posted a video of a Kenyan human rights activist, Abdala, and I realized he and I are the only two people that can save the world. I'm so excited.

Captain Holt: All right, everyone. Listen up. We have a situation. Ten minutes ago, a prison van overturned on Nevins Street. It was carrying nine convicts who are now at large. It's our job to bring them in. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a manhunt.
Jake: (GASPS) A manhunt. Okay, what I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in the area. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble.
Captain Holt: There must be some sort of error. There are nine fugitives, and none of them are named Kimble.
Jake: I didn't kill my wife!
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: You're supposed to go, "I don't care!"
Captain Holt: I don't care.
Jake: Let the manhunt begin.

Charles: Guys, we have a problem. He's not our convict.
Jake: What? The guy in the orange jumpsuit that we found hiding in the sewer is not our convict?
Charles: He's our van driver.

Captain Holt: Okay, Diaz, there are only two witnesses who were close enough to the crash to see something. One's on his way here already. His name is Marshawn Lynch.
Rosa: (SQUEAKS) Marshawn Lynch? Marshawn Lynch the football player?
Captain Holt: I don't know his hobbies. It just says here he's unemployed.
Rosa: Retired. We're not getting anything out of him. He's always getting fined for refusing to talk to the press. Ugh, he's kind of one of my heroes.
Captain Holt: Well, it may be tough, and it may take a while, but I'm sure we'll get him to open up.
Rosa: Sir, there are some vaults you just can't open.

Jake: Besides, my place is cheaper and it's in a cooler neighborhood.
Gina: Yeah. That neighborhood is technically called Cobblestink.

Charles: Please let this muck be water. Please let this muck be water. I won't be able to hug Nicolaj for a month. He doesn't have all his shots yet.

Rob: I just told him I saw one of them slip back into his lizard home under the streets. That's where they make their soup.
Captain Holt: Oh, my God. He's onto something.
Gina: Captain, don't try to be nice by giving a crazy person a voice. Plus, we've already learned that human rights are crap.

Gina: Ugh! You think you guys have it rough. I've been stuck here listening to crazy Rob spew his insane garbage.
Rosa: What happened to your positive attitude, Abdala?
Gina: Don't even say that name, all right? I tweeted him and got nothing.
Meanwhile, Rob tweets him some crap about lizard-people, he's like, "Oh, retweet, oh, fave" everything.

Captain Holt: Well, I haven't fared any better. She keeps drawing her stupid circle pictures and then running off to the bathroom.
Woman: (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Captain Holt: We get it. You have a bum-tum. Yes.

Rosa: Well, Marshawn Lynch will not leave your office. He has now pulled up one of those wedding proposal viral videos on his phone and is crying. What did I do to deserve this?

Jake: Man, this is like playing the coolest video game ever. My character is Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's locked.
Jake: Ooh, kick it down. Front kick! Front kick!
Sergeant Jeffords: All clear.
Jake: Now strafe. Strafe!
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know what that means.
Jake: Barrel roll. Duck.
Sergeant Jeffords: Duck? Just tell me where to go, man.
Jake: Wait a minute. Slide one of your feet forward. Now switch. Now punch both your fists forward at the same time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you making me do the running man?
Jake: Yeah. The original one. Excluding the movie. And Stephen King's classic short story. So, the third iteration.

Amy: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Just so you know, at the end of the sixth book, Snape kills-
Jake: La-la-la-la-! No spoilies! Terry, let's go.

Amy: You two start at Bond and we'll rendezvous in the middle, assuming, of course, Boyle and I haven't already caught all the fugitives by the time you two show up.
Jake: Amy, there are nine hardened criminals running free in the streets. This is hardly the time for childish trash talk. It's time for a bet. A crazy-ass bet.
Amy: What are you thinking?
Jake: Whoever catches the most fugitives gets to keep their apartment. Loser moves in with the winner.
Amy: All right. I'm in. I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a thousand pillows.
Jake: Well, I hope you like sharing my one grey towel.
Amy: Was it grey when you bought it?
Jake: I didn't buy it. It was in the apartment when I moved in.
Amy: Are you sure you don't want to just move in with me?
Jake: We already shook on it. The bet stands. Prepare to die, and by "die," I mean move in with me. Here we go.