Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Rosa: Listen to yourself. You're letting all of this cloud your judgment.
Jake: I love clouds; they keep the sun away on hot days.
Rosa: He doesn't want us to solve this crime, so he's buying us off. It's shady.
Jake: I love the shade; it keeps the sun away on hot days.

Mark Devereaux: Well, what have we here?
Rosa: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't touch that.
Mark Devereaux: Isn't this the case the laptop was in?
Jake: Yes, but in real life, when we handle evidence, we gotta wear gloves.
Mark Devereaux: I never wear gloves on the show. Fans love to see my fingers. Almost as much as they love seeing my feet. Google it.
Rosa: Nah.
Jake: Nah.

Charles: Frankly, sir, I know it's not protocol, but we don't have any other option.
Captain Holt: Yes. Good point. It's not protocol. But it just might work. You know, Boyle, you're a bad influence on me.
Charles: I've never been a bad influence on anyone! Should I bring my leather jacket? It's ankle-length and fitted. I won't bring it; it's too nice.

Captain Holt: Why did you stop me? I was making progress.
Charles: I know, sir. But I have to say something. I love the Nine-Nine. And the main reason why is you.
Captain Holt: Not Jake?
Charles: Yes, clearly, it's mostly Jake. But it's also you and the standard that you've set for us with your unwavering morals. I'd rather we split up than stay together and compromise who we are.
Captain Holt: Well, thank you, Boyle. You're right. No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail.
Charles: I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you.
Captain Holt: That was incredibly inappropriate.
Charles: I know, but I had thought of it and I was so proud, I just had to say it out loud.
Captain Holt: Let's just go.
Charles: Great.

Charles: My point is, I'm worried that Veronica will never forgive Terry. Is there anyone above her that you can appeal to?
Captain Holt: She reports to Deputy Commissioner Grayson. I've already tried to set up a meeting with him. He's on vacation with his family in the Poconos.
Charles: Okay, so maybe we find out where he's staying and just happen to run into him and accidentally strike up a little convo about the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: That seems rather underhanded.
Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.
Captain Holt: What?
Charles: Measures. I said measures.

Amy: Maybe you hurt Veronica's feelings without meaning to?
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. I planned the perfect breakup. We got dinner at a mid-range restaurant nice enough to show I care, but not so nice she thought a proposal was coming. I even got her a classy breakup present, plus a gift receipt, in case she wanted to exchange it. And I said just the right words.
[cut to:]
Sergeant Jeffords: You deserve the world. You deserve someone that can make you happy and it is the greatest displeasure of my life that I cannot be that man.
Veronica Hopkins: Thank you, Terrence.
(CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Captain Holt: So Grayson's a philanderer. What's that gotta do with the price of onions?

Rosa: Hey, man. We gotta be cool, all right? I know you have some fantasy about being a movie star.
Jake: I don't fantasize about being a movie star. I fantasize about meeting one. And being invited to a party at George Clooney's villa, where he pranks me and then we prank Matt Damon together and then Damon's like "Peralta, you got the goods. You're gonna be the star of my next movie." Wait, maybe I do want to be a movie star.

Jake: What is wrong with you? We're working a case we'll definitely gonna solve, we're hanging out with cool people, Don't ruin this with all your Rosa-ness.
Rosa: Think about it. That producer guy didn't want us here at all. And then after watching us work for, like, two seconds, he offers us a job? It doesn't make sense.
Jake: That's just how show biz works, you rube!

Rosa: Why won't you print? Ah, screw this.
Jake: No, no, no, no! Not again! What is going on here?
Rosa: Stupid printer won't print out my stupid resume which means I can't send it to any decent stupid precincts when this stupid place shuts down.
Jake: That's not gonna happen. Why are you being such a Gloomy Gus?
Rosa: I'm a Realistic Randy.
Jake: Didn't go with Rosa, huh?

Charles: I'm not saying blackmail him blackmail him. We just insinuate that we know what's going on and let him fill in the blanks.
Captain Holt: Oh, so it's like he blackmails himself?
Charles: Uh-huh, you just go up to him and say, "Commissioner Grayson, how's your wife?"
Captain Holt: Commissioner Grayson, how's your wife?
Charles: No, that just sounds like you really wanna know how she is. Insinuate. Maybe add a pause before "wife."
Captain Holt: Commissioner Grayson, how's your ... ... wife?
Charles: Too long.
Captain Holt: Felt it. Ugh, this is not my strong suit.
Charles: No, no, sir, sir, sir. You're doing great. Just forget the pause. Use your eyebrows like this. How's your "pump, pump, pump" wife.
Captain Holt: How's your pump, pump, pump wife.
Charles: Eh, it was a little bit better in my head. Try this. How's your "pump" wife "pump, pump."
Captain Holt: End on a double pump? That's risky. He'll see right through me.
How about "Pump, pump" how's your "pump"?
Charles: You forgot to say wife.
Captain Holt: Ah, good note.
Charles: How 'bout this? How's your "pump" wife "pump", Grayson, "pump"?
Captain Holt: That's the one.

Charles: I don't know, sir. This could be an opportunity. I mean, WWBD, right? What Would Bugs Do?
Captain Holt: Good question. What would Bugs do?
Charles: Bugs would blackmail Grayson.
Captain Holt: Then I, sir, am no Bugs. I won't break the law.

Gary Lurmax: Yeah, I wanted to make sure Cassie was out of her trailer because we were running behind, and we needed to make our day.
Rosa: Is that normally an Executive Producer's job?
Gary Lurmax: Well, I'm trying to be more hands on - network pressure, overages.
Jake: Overages, sure. I get those on my cell phone.

Captain Holt: And you're sure this is the floor they're staying on?
Charles: Yes, I called his secretary and pretended to be his mother. Or, should I say, "The Lady Grayson."
Captain Holt: Very sly.
Charles: It's a little trick I picked up from the original bad boy, a Mr. Bugs Bunny.

Charles: Okay, so remember, this is Deputy Commissioner Grayson and his smoking hot wife. You'll recognize her because she looks like an older Patti LuPone.

Rosa: What are you doing?
Jake: Talking to Cassie and the writers, who, b-t-dubs, all have alibis. Also, Gary said that the studio approved us as producers. I'm having my agent look over the paperwork. Okay, fine, I don't have an agent. I'm using my parents' divorce attorney. He's my uncle. He was disbarred.

Sergeant Jeffords: I told you, I did everything right. I even gave Veronica plenty of time after her mom's death.
Amy: Wait, what does that mean?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was gonna break up with her, but then her mom passed, so, like a gentleman, I waited. That way she wouldn't have to deal with too much pain all at once.
Gina: How long did you wait, Jeffords?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, a year, year and a half.
Gina: Sarge!
Amy: Seriously?
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I was being considerate. Believe me, she had her fun for those 18 months. Terry puts out.

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do anything! I respect women. I'm a feminist. I believe women should be on all the money. I wanna pay for a sandwich with a $10 Ellen DeGeneres.

Rosa: I'm sorry the consulting job didn't work out.
Do you wanna head back and do some more interviews?
Jake: What's the point? You were right. Everything sucks. We're never gonna solve the case, I'll never work in show business, and I'll never drink another smoothie.
Rosa: Now you're getting it. Everything is awful. Our precinct is getting shut down and we're never gonna work together again. I'll end up living in a car with a dog I can't feed playing sad songs on a harmonica I can't afford.
Rosa: We're never gonna see each other again.
Jake: The harmonica will get repossessed, I'll be all alone with my hungry dog and harmonica-less silence.

Veronica Hopkins: All right everyone, as you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the Nine-Nine and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Are there any questions?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for that job, given our, um, you know-
Charles: Sexual past.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, Detective Boyle.

Jake: Besides, he's a rich guy what's his motive for stealing a laptop?
Rosa: Leverage. He and Cassie have been fighting over her contract. It's been all over the news.
Jake: The trades. They call them "the trades" here. We read those in our trailers after we wrap and before we go home. Fun fact: stars use the word "home" too. They're just like us.

Rosa: And we won't be friends anymore.
Jake: Wait, what? You don't actually think that we won't be friends anymore if the precinct gets shut down? Rosa, we will never not be friends.
Rosa: Thanks, man. Get your hand off me.
Jake: Yep. Forgot the Rosa rule. No touchy.

Amy: Okay, Sarge, we just want to walk through your breakup step by step. That doesn't mean we think you did anything wrong.
(Gina slams her hands down on the table)
Gina: Start talking, butthead!

Gary Lurmax: Hey, guys. You know, you two have a really compelling dynamic.
Would you ever consider being Consulting Producers for the show?
Jake: Absolutely! What does that mean?
Gary Lurmax: Well, we pay you to come in in your off hours, talk to the writers, tell them your stories, lend the show a little authenticity.
Jake: Wow, I can't believe I've been talking to people for free all these years like an idiot!

Veronica Hopkins: Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly.
I won't let the fact that you and I have a history together affect the decision I have to make in any way whatsoever.
Captain Holt: Well that's certainly good to hear.
Veronica Hopkins: I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent relationship, but there's no reason I can't remain unbiased.
Jake: The way you just said that makes it seem like you actually are biased.
Veronica Hopkins: I have no idea what you mean. That is all.

Jake: Okay, the plan is clear. Sarge, you divorce Sharon, abandon your children, get back together with that monster. The precinct is saved.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not leaving my family.
Jake: Come on! You didn't even consider it!

Jake: And I found us a dream case. Involving one Ms. Cassie Sinclair.
Rosa: From "Serve & Protect"?
Jake: Yeah.
Rosa: That is my favorite cop show.
Jake: Yeah. Apparently her laptop was stolen and it had "sensitive materials" on it. You know what that's code for-
Rosa: Bank account numbers.
Jake: Nudies! One or the other I'm not a pervert.

Gina: We just need to find out what horrible thing Terry did to this woman so he can apologize and make it right.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've been wracking my brain. I can't think of anything.
Amy: Did you cheat on her?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I would never do that.
Gina: Did you date one of her friends right after you broke up?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh-uh. I cut off ties with all our mutual friends. Even Tommy. Terry loved Tommy! Tommy turned Terry on to tennis.

Charles: Captain, can we talk?
Captain Holt: Boyle, you know my feelings about bathroom conversations. Steadfastly against.

Charles: I know; I just don't want Veronica to overhear. I know what she's going through. I've been broken up with six times.
Captain Holt: Really? Only six? Yep. Oh wait. Does it count if they end the relationship but still want to be friends?
Captain Holt: Yes.
Charles: Oh, then 210.

Mark Devereaux: Hey, Sarah, what's the status on the toilet seat heater for my trailer? It's day four of cold butt cheeks going on over here.
Rosa: I'm sorry, but this is official police business.
Mark Devereaux: Putting the screws to her? I got this. Sarah, you're a P.A, what do you make a year? Two, three hundred thousand dollars?
Sarah: 30.
Mark Devereaux: Hundred thousand dollars a year?
Sarah: 30 thousand.
Mark Devereaux: Oh. Ew. And yet Cassie Sinclair pulls down millions sitting on her butt while you bust your hump running her errands. I bet that makes you angry, angry enough to steal her laptop? My gut says yes.
Rosa: Okay, that's enough.
Mark Devereaux: You're right. She's not gonna talk. Sometimes I wonder why I do this job.
Rosa: You don't.

Jake: He's gonna run it by the studio, Rosa. I told you, if we're good cops, you do your job, things will work out and they do.
Rosa: I don't know, man. Something's weird. I think the job offer is bogus. He's trying to buy us off.
Jake: Look, I don't know about you, but I can't be bought off. And it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than some job offer to make me compromise the integrity of the badge.
Gary Lurmax: Hey, Jake, catering send over some chicken fingers.
Jake: Oh!

Gina: I'm not saying you're lying, Mr. Jeffords, but if that's how things went down, why is Veronica so angry, you stupid liar?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know.
Gina: You don't know? Well, we could stay here all night until your story starts making sense.

Rosa: That job offer wasn't real. None of this is real.
Jake: Yes, it is! All right? I know Hollywood and I know what's real! For example, this door is fake. Not a real door. It's a "doorn't." As in "doorn't open this." And doorn't ruin my dreams!

Jake: And scene. That was a great example of a cop making a mistake. That's the kind of thing we can go over more when I come in on Monday for my first day of work.

Gary Lurmax: What's going on? You can't just come in here.
Rosa: We have a warrant.
Jake: Boom! And that's a real one, not a prop. Or have you forgotten the difference? Even when it comes to people?
Gary Lurmax: What?
Jake: "People" is me. You used me like a prop. I thought it was pretty clear. Rosa got it.
Rosa: Nope.

Rosa: Ugh, I'm gonna have to meet a whole new group of people. I hate people.
Life sucks. Nothing good ever happens.

Sergeant Jeffords: Also, there's no way she even knows I waited.
Amy: The gift you bought her, did you buy it when you first wanted to break up with her or when you finally did it?
Sergeant Jeffords: The first time! But why would that matter - the gift receipt!
Gina: They all break eventually. Get him out of my sight.

Jake: That's not true. Come on! What does Captain Holt always tell us? Be a good cop, do your job, things'll work out.
Scully: Yep, just this morning, I found this old bag on the street and it has a cupcake inside.
Jake: See? Scully found a garbage cake.

Jake: Devereaux gave me his card and said, "Call me if you can think of anything else." Just like on the show!
Rosa: Does he know we're the real cops?
Jake: I don't think so.

Rosa: Security camera across from Cassie's trailer caught this yesterday.
Jake: Gare Bear took the laptop? Come on. No one could've seen this coming. Except for you. You saw it coming, obviously.

Jake: The point is, Gloomy Gus, not everything is terrible.
Rosa: Maybe you're right. Maybe life isn't a miserable, unending, maggot-filled pile of crap.
Jake: Yeah, there you go. Let's go find some nudies or bank account numbers. Both would be helpful.

Cassie Sinclair: Oh, in this episode, the perp is a cannibal. Should I aim away from his stomach so I don't taint the evidence?
Jake: Yeah, that's definitely how I take down a cannibal when I do it.

Jake: The point is, you just have to think the worst of everyone because that's how you see life. It's sad.
Rosa: You're sad and you're being a bad cop.
Jake: All right, I know you're just trying to hurt my feelings, but I'm in such a good mood about all of this that there's literally nothing you can say that'll bring me down.
Rosa: "Lead the way, hombre" is a terrible catchphrase.
Jake: (SCOFFS) Nice try trying to hurt my feelings 'cause you didn't.

Rosa: Jake, wake up. You're being manipulated by our prime suspect.
Jake: He's not our prime suspect, all right? He's subprime at best. (LAUGHS) Subprime mortgage crisis reference.

Rosa: Focus up. We have a case to work.
Jake: That's why we gotta meet the writers. I mean, one of them probably did it. You heard Gary they're awkward. They're probably all perverts.

Gary Lurmax: You know, it's been great watching you work. Could I introduce you to the writers? It'd just take a couple of minutes, tops. They're very awkward. They can't talk much longer than that.

Cassie Sinclair: Well, I always keep my laptop in this bag, but this morning, it was gone.
Jake: Nine times out of ten, in a case like this, it's a stalker. Whoever jimmied the lock didn't know what they were doing.
Mark Devereaux: I concur. This was a real hack job. Hi, Mark Devereaux.
Gary Lurmax: He plays Detective Cole Tracker on the show.
Jake: Yeah, he does. And if I know Cole Tracker, the next thing you're going to say is-
Jake and Rosa: So what's it gonna be: rock, paper, scissors or gun?
Mark Devereaux: You watch the show. I like that. So get me up to speed. Who's been in here since the incident?
Rosa: What's he doing?
Jake: Ohh. I think he must be one of those actors who has to stay in character all the time. I heard Dustin Hoffman did this on the set of "Tootsie" and everyone hated it.

Rosa: Okay, what about the Executive Producer, Gary Lurmax? Do you know where he was on the night of the robbery?
Sarah: He's normally in his office after wrap. Although, last night he did ask me to tell him when Cassie left her trailer.
Rosa: Hm, interesting.
Jake: Or completely useless. No way to know for sure. Sarah, one more question.
Those donuts, are they-
Sarah: They're all free.
Jake: Okay, great.

Amy: Hey Veronica. It's time for some girl talk. ... Let me see that bra!
Veronica Hopkins: Excuse me?

Rosa: Ms. Sinclair, I'm Detective Diaz. This is Detective Peralta.
Cassie Sinclair: Oh, I like the way you wear your badge. Can I steal that?
Jake: Absolutely. Oh, hey, here's another little nugget for you, if you'd like. (CLEARS THROAT) Thanks for coming down to the precinct. Oh, and one more thing I'm a cop.
Cassie Sinclair: Wouldn't the person already know that if they were at the precinct?
Jake: No, it works. So you had your laptop stolen?

Cassie Sinclair: Yeah, last night. Someone broke into my trailer, jimmied the lock. I found out this morning from the second A.D.
Jake: Ah, A.D., Announcing Department.
Cassie Sinclair: Assistant Director.
Jake: Oh, that's even better.

Gary Lurmax: I'm Gary Lurmax. I'm the Executive Producer.
Jake: Your name comes up at the end of every episode with that parrot that says: "Talk to my lawyer!"
Gary Lurmax: Well, that's actually Walter, my pet African grey.
Jake: Ah, so cool. Anyways, we're real cops. Should we look at the crime scene?

Jake: Lead the way, hombre. Hey, if you name a character after me, that could be his catch phrase.