Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day. Here.
Captain Holt: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Sergeant Jeffords: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain Holt: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain Holt: Yas, queen. *tosses keys, snaps fingers*

Sergeant Jeffords: Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?
Charles: Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
Scully: Wait, Jake's in prison?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.
Scully: Oh, right. And where's Gina?
Sergeant Jeffords: On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower last week.
Hitchcock: Okay. And why am I bleeding?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Oh, so you don't have all the answers. I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me.

Jake: I thought they sold ramen at the prison commissary.
Romero: I don't want commissary soups, you stupid little bitch boy.
Jake: Okay, that's fair. I deserve that.
Romero: I want flavors you can only get on the outside Chili-lime shrimp, southwestern chicken. Street flavors.
Caleb: Picante beef.
Romero: Oh, that's my favorite. Get me picante beef, bitch boy.
Jake: Okay, so I just get some ramen and then I get a cell phone. Prison is easy.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate them.
Amy: I've been looking, but I can't find anything, and I don't know what to do.
Jake: "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape.

Rosa: I can't believe it took that long. I really thought the cable company was gonna break you.
Captain Holt: It did. But the good news is, you now have Epix, plus some channel called "Tunez," with a Z. Two-year commitment.

Captain Holt: I've been on the phone for six hours and I just wanna cancel an account. Yes, you've mentioned the bundles and I don't want home phone service. No, do not transfer me, Rodrigo no, no! No, Rodrigo!

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, Diaz sent us a list of favors she needs us to do for her. She didn't hold back. First, she wants us to move all her furniture into storage.
Captain Holt: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then file her taxes for her.
Captain Holt: Really?
Sergeant Jeffords: And then she wants us to type up and email these letters to Pimento in Argentina.
Captain Holt: Are they sexual in nature?
Sergeant Jeffords: Crazy sexual.

Captain Holt: Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.
Rosa: Why are you saying my first name?
Captain Holt: Well, Rosa, I read an article in a medical journal that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa, Rosa.
Rosa: Yup, that fixes prison.

Guard: There's an incident in the yard. We're going into lockdown. Inmates, line up.
Jake: No. No, no, no, no, no. I have 50 more minutes. I need this.
Guard: Back to your cells right now.
Charles: No! My touching time.

Charles: So, it sounds like you're isolated and haven't had any chance to make new friends.
Jake: Well, my cellmate, Caleb, is okay.
Charles: Just remember he's in prison. No matter how small the crime, people don't change and don't deserve second chances.
Jake: Charles, relax. I'm not gonna replace you.

Charles: You used all the touching time, Amy. I get 100% of the goodbye touching time. 100%.

Rosa: So, were you able to cancel my cable?
Captain Holt: Of course. It was easy.
Rosa: Good, because I have something else. I need you to take my dog to Argentina to be with Adrian on his ranch. Now, I know what you're gonna ask me, and the answer is no, I don't have a map of the booby traps, but I can tell you how he thinks.

Jake: The alarm went off before we could even talk.
Caleb: Aw, that's too bad, bud. But at least you have people that wanna come and visit you. My family hasn't been to see my since my trial. You eat nine people and all of the sudden they "don't know who you are anymore."
Jake: Wait, what? Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?
Caleb: Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I would say that I'm a woodworker. Why did you think I was in protective custody?
Jake: I don't know, I guess I hoped you were another cop wrongly convicted of crimes you didn't commit.
Caleb: Nope, I did all my stuff and more. There's tons they can't even trace to me. The secret is eating the evidence.
Jake: Okay, this is just great. I don't see anyone from the outside for another three weeks and my only friend here is a cannibal.
Caleb: Woodworker.

Charles: What is happening right now?!
Jake: They caught Hawkins trying to flee the country. She confessed to everything, and they let me out.
Amy: Oh, my God, Jake, is it really you? Are you really here?
Jake: You know it, baby. But first I gotta hug my best friend.
Charles: Yeah.
Amy: What?

Romero: I need you to kill a guard.
Jake: Oh okay. Great. Cool-cool-cool-cool, cool-cool-cool. Beef Baby's out for blood.

Jake: I can't believe I went 0 for 16. I got rejected by my safety gang. I'm gonna die in here.

Jake: I can't believe we're going to gen pop. A cop and a cannibal? Everybody's gonna be trying to kill us.
Caleb: I know. What are we gonna do?
Jake: You're a psychopath. You can protect us in there, right? I mean, you killed and ate a bunch of people.
Caleb: They were children, Jake. Weak little children. One conk on the head was all it took.
Jake: Damn it. I can't believe I'm friends with a cowardly cannibal.

Rosa: Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?
Captain Holt: Oh, yes, he wrote back right away. It wasn't as graphic as I feared. He wrote the number eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D. Oh! I see what this is. This is a-
Rosa: Yup.

Jake: Hey, I've never been beaten up by a prison guard before. They don't use that baton, do they?
Caleb: You seem pretty committed to this plan, so there's no real benefit to me answering.
Jake: Sounds good.

Rosa: So, you painted my apartment?
Sergeant Jeffords: Walls in "White Wisp," trim in "Honeymilk."
Rosa: And you filed my taxes.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're getting your maximum refund.
Rosa: And picked up my abuela at the airport?
Captain Holt: Yes, I went and got her at the Philadelphia International Airport in Pennsylvania.
Rosa: And you broke the news to her about how I got sent to prison and she'll probably die before I get out?
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm, had that fun conversation.
Sergeant Jeffords: But it was all worth it for you, you poor little caged bird.

Romero: Okay, this guard you gotta kill, Wilson-
Jake: Oh, I'd rather not know his name.
Romero: It's Alan Wilson. He's got a three-year-old, Dexter. They call him Dex.
Jake: Cool. I'm not worried at all about little Dex. I'm sure he'll be fine. I mean, I grew up without a dad.
Romero: Yeah? Me too.
Prisoner: So did I.
Jake: See? And we're all doing great.

Caleb: Well, there is one more option, but it's a long shot. Remember that guy Romero who you got the cell phone from? If you got in good with his crew, nobody would dare touch you. But he is real scary and crazy.
Jake: Okay, and how anti-Semitic is he?
Caleb: Average?
Jake: Then let's give it a shot!

Captain Holt: Welcome back, Peralta. I just heard from the mayor. To apologize for what happened to you, they're sending you to Disney World. You and one male guest.
Jake: As long as I don't have to go on any of the scary rides.
Charles: I'd just go for the shows.

Jake: Gen pop? But my tough prison beard hasn't fully grown in yet. Just give me six or seven more years.

Jake: No, no, no, no, no. The only people less popular in here than cops are snitches.
Warden: Well, let's be honest, it's not great in here for trans people.
Jake: That is so true .
Warden: I know. They have a hard time.
Jake: It's a problem.

Jake: So, Charles, I gotta ask: what's going on with your hair?
Charles: Well, it turned white from the stress, but I didn't want you to worry, so I dyed it back to my normal color with a splash of Batali. Do you like it?
Jake: (silence) So, how's my case going?

Amy: How are they treating you? Are you safe?
Jake: Yeah, I'm in protective custody because everyone in gen pop hates cops. I'm not really sure why. Something about us locking them in cages and letting the world pass them by.

Sergeant Jeffords: Is there anything we can do to help you? Anything you need done on the outside?
Rosa: No, I'm good.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a problem.
Captain Holt: Rosa.
Sergeant Jeffords: We're here for you.
Captain Holt: Rosa.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whatever you need.
Captain Holt: Rosa.

Jake: What else? Oh, you're never gonna believe this. I've been reading.
Amy: Reading? Like, books by real authors?
Jake: I don't know, is Philip Roth a real author?
Amy: Oh, my goodness! I wish you had gone to prison years ago. I'm kidding. Obviously, I'm not more attracted to you now than before.

Rosa: Sarge, Captain. Oh, you guys brought Hitchcock.
Captain Holt: Uh, no, we just bumped into him in the lobby. We don't know why he's here.
Hitchcock: Jenny, baby! I love what prison's doing to your figure.

Jake: And by the way, as someone who's eaten a lot of ramen in his life, here's a tip: leave a few noodles uncooked and then sprinkle them on top afterwards like a garnish. Gives you an extra little fun bonus crunch.

Romero: How are you gonna do it? Shiv him, shank him, stab him?
Jake: Are those different?

Caleb: Ugh, cream turkey. You know, what I could really go for is-
Jake: People potpie?
Caleb: First of all, Jake, great alliteration. Second of all, just because I was arrested for cannibalism doesn't mean that all I like to eat is people. I was gonna say "a chicken burrito." Man, my cousin was so tasty.
Jake: Oh, come on.

Caleb: Are you okay?
Jake: Yeah. What hurts the most is knowing that prisoners are treated this way every day in our penal system. Also, he kicked me in the wiener a bunch.

Warden: I heard an inmate and a guard were having a fight. So I go to do what I normally do: turn off the security cameras.
Jake: Yup, cool policy. This place is great.

Jake: I hear you're the man to talk to about getting a cell phone.
Romero: I am. But it'll cost you. Phone's 100.
Jake: $100? That's no problem.
Romero: I got no use for cash. I want 100 soups.
Jake: Soups?
Caleb: Yeah, ramen. They're like a major currency in here.
Jake: Really? That is very surprising.
Caleb: You can't smoke anymore, so ramen has replaced cigarettes. NPR did a big thing on it.

Caleb: Look, if you really wanna talk to people on the outside, just get a cell phone.
Jake: Yeah, that'd be great, but it's illegal, right?
Caleb: There's this guy in gen pop, Romero. He can smuggle anything into this place: phones, drugs, big bag of hair.
Jake: Why would you want that? You know what? Don't tell me. The less I know about you, the better. Okay, let's find this Romero guy.
Caleb: Right now? I really wanna chomp down on this meat.
Jake: Caleb!

Sergeant Jeffords: So, how's prison?
Rosa: Nobody likes cops in here, so I had to earn their respect by starting a bunch of riots.
Got thrown in solitary for a week. What's going on with your face?
Sergeant Jeffords: I hate seeing you like this, so I'm flexing my eyes real hard to keep from crying.