Captain Holt: Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Kevin: [sighs] Because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs. The two of us driving in silence, looking at the barren trees. It's perfect. I I didn't wanna lose that.

Roger Peralta: Hey, everyone, I'm sorry for not being "dressed." I didn't think you guys were gonna be so early.
Victor Santiago: We arrived at the agreed upon time.
Roger Peralta: Right. So, like, super early.

Amy: Mrs. Peralta, I love this new ceramic that you painted. You know, my mom paints as well.
Karen Peralta: Really?
Camila Santiago: Yes. I paint on canvases though.
Jake: Oh. And that's different?
Karen Peralta: Very.
Camila Santiago: Completely.
Karen Peralta: I just always found canvas to be too restricting. For me with bowls and vases and furniture, the world is my canvas.
Camila Santiago: Yes, and for me, with canvas, the canvas is my canvas.
Jake: She said "canvas" so much.

Captain Holt: Thank you, all, for joining me. I checked into your alibis. Or should I say alib-lies!

Roger Peralta: The Santiagos are here. Feliz Thanksgiving. How was the trip in? The flight must have been awful.
Jake: Hey, Dad?
Roger Peralta: This holiday is the worst.
Jake: Could we just press pause on that and maybe get some pants?
Roger Peralta: Fine. I'll put on some pants.

Captain Holt: Boyle?
Charles: [crying] Nikolaj is a picky eater! I lied about his palate. All he drinks is milk. All he eats is buttered noodles.
Captain Holt: And perhaps my walnut pie?
Charles: I wish. He hates nuts. My son is a basic bitch.

Sergeant Jeffords: I was at the gym. Ava's birthday/Thanksgiving dinner's a high-caloric affair. Terry needs to earn that feast.

Captain Holt: No, Terry, I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't mean to do it. You just got hungry, and that's the most natural thing in the world.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't take your pie.
Captain Holt: You're lying!

Amy: Babe, our parents are vibing hard.
Jake: Drinking just makes people get along better. Do you think if I got my parents drunk every day when I was a kid they would have stayed together and we would have had a happy family?
Amy: Probably.
Jake: Right.

Jake: Anyone hit the links lately?
Roger Peralta: I don't play golf.
Jake: What are you talking about? You played it all the time when I was a kid.
Roger Peralta: Never played golf in my life.
Karen Peralta: Jake, you're remembering when he used to pretend to golf so that he could spend his Sunday's cheating on me.

Victor Santiago: You know it's tradition for the bride's family to pay.
Karen Peralta: It's also tradition for the host to make the turkey.

Jake: All right, you know what? Let's just go back in there and enjoy our joyous Thanksgiving and hopefully no one's parents will ruin it.
Amy: Fine. Well, I know that my parents aren't gonna ruin any joyousness. In fact, they're gonna be joyous as hell.
Jake: Not nearly as joyous as my parents.

Camila Santiago: We have two turkeys. You can both carve one.
Jake: Yes, thank goodness for the second turkey, a very normal thing to have brought.

Karen Peralta: Uh, Camila, did you put your stuffing in my ceramic?
Camila Santiago: I thought it was a bowl.
Karen Peralta: It's art.

Victor Santiago: Roger, I want to apologize to you for being so defensive about you wanting to pay for the wedding.
Roger Peralta:I'm sorry too. It was stupid. I was just feeling insecure because-
Victor Santiago: 'Cause I gave Jake the watch?
Roger Peralta: I was gonna say because you saw my penis through my underpants, but the watch, yeah, sure.

Victor Santiago: No excuses. You're going to take this man to the OR right now or I'm gonna sue you and everybody in this hospital.

Captain Holt: I saw what you did this morning when you deduced the contents of my bakery box. Impressive. Now I need to use your skills to find my pie.
Hitchcock: It's about time you came to us.
Scully: Here's what we need from you. A list of the pie's ingredients.
Hitchcock: We're looking for anything that might linger on someone's breath.
Scully: We need surveillance footage from the water fountain, the crumb consistency was dry. Whoever ate it's gonna be thirsty.
Hitchcock: Now what kind of crimped edge are we dealing with here? U-shaped or V?
Captain Holt: I don't know.
Hitchcock: Well, then get on the damned phone and find out.

Victor Santiago: Every night I'm told what to do and every morning I do what I'm told, but yet I cannot escape your scold. What am I? An alarm clock.
Roger Peralta: Oh, I get it. So a riddle is just like a fact that's told in a really confusing way.

Kevin: What do you all have planned for Turkey day?
Charles: Well, I've got a great Thanksgiving planned. Nikolaj has taken to food just like his papa, so I'm making an exotic spread. If it can fly or swim, we're eating its eggs.

Captain Holt: But this is not just any pie. It's an English walnut pie from the Cottage Inn - in Saratoga Springs.
Kevin: Raymond and I drive all the way upstate for it every year. It's the finest sweet treat on earth. Even better than a plain scone.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, that good, huh?

Captain Holt: There are no prints on the box, no DNA evidence, and the security camera in my office was obscured, which means whoever took my pie thought it through. And that means-
Rosa: It wasn't Hitchcock and Scully.
Captain Holt: Exactly.

Scully: What do you have in the pastry box, sir? Brownies?
Hitchcock: No, you hold brownies from the side. He's holding it from the bottom.
Scully: True. Maybe it s a cheesecake.
Hitchcock: But there's no condensation on the box. It's room temperature.
Scully: Look at the finger spread, tensing in the shoulders. He's supporting something dense.
Scully and Hitchcock: It's a pie.
Captain Holt: It is a pie.

Captain Holt: There's only one thing I still can't figure out. Why'd you do it?
Kevin: Because it's disgusting.
Captain Holt: Oh, my.
Kevin: That pie is an abomination. It has beef suet and apple seeds in it. Why? It's a walnut pie.

Captain Holt: I don't know why we can't still make the drive next year. We just don't have to buy the pie.
Kevin: A trip with no purpose? [chuckles] Raymond.

Jake: All right, you know the drill. We've been living and breathing this operation for years. It goes down today and we only get one shot. Thanksgiving 2017, the meeting of the parents.

Jake: Hey, Dad, how's it going?
Roger Peralta: I'm fine. They reattached my thumb.
Amy: Oh, that's great. So you'll be able to fly again?
Roger Peralta: Yeah, that was never in doubt. You don't need thumbs to fly anymore. You just hit one button. The plane takes care of the rest.
Jake: I have to believe that's not true.

Jake: Oh, no. There are downsides to alcohol.

Jake: All right, it's dinner time. Everybody go wash your hands. I'd never said that before.

Jake: Yes, but no, what I was referring to was the fact that your mom brought her own hand towels. As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing they had guests coming over?
Amy: Did she?
Jake: No, you don't have to. They're only touched by freshly cleaned hands. They never get dirty.
Amy: Wow. The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far from the unhygienic tree.
Jake: Did you just call my mom a tree?
Amy: I called her an unhygienic tree.
Jake: Wow.

Roger Peralta: I think this might be it for me, little man. There's something you gotta know, Jake. You have three half-sisters.
Jake: What?
Roger Peralta: One in Atlanta, one in Newark, one in Dallas Fort Worth. All the hubs.

Captain Holt: Okay. It was a two-man job.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I didn't steal your pie either. I lied about the gym because I was still trying to find a Perry the Parrot for Ava. I forgot it was her birthday coming up and by the time I realized, the dumb toy was all sold out. I just didn't want you guys to know what a horrible dad I really am.

Roger Peralta: You know what? I'm sick of you looking down your nose at us. I know the Peralta's aren't perfect, but we don't look down on other people. I mean, you come into our home and you act like we're idiots. Well, we're not idiots. In fact, I just cut my thumb off.
Victor Santiago: What?
Roger Peralta: I just cut my thumb off.

Captain Holt: No, don't tell me why you did it. Tell him.
Rosa: You want me to talk to this picture of your husband?
Captain Holt: Look him in the eye and tell him what you did.
Rosa: I didn't do it, Kevin.
Captain Holt: Don't you say his name.

Jake: Dad, you almost ready? The Santiago's are very punctual?
Roger Peralta: I'm already out of the shower. Chill, bro.
Jake: Don't call me bro. I'm your son.
Roger Peralta: Okay, dude.
Jake: Dude is not an improvement.

Jake: Now then, let's review our targets, shall we? First we have the Santiagos: Camila and Victor. They are traditional, reserved, and like their daughter, controlling.
Amy: I wouldn't say I'm controlling. I would say I'm Type A. You should write Type A there instead of controlling.
Jake: Vivid example of what we're up against.

Amy: Okay, not off to a great start. My mom brought a passive-aggressive turkey and we all saw your dad's penis through his undies.
Jake: What? You did? Why were you looking?
Amy: No, I wasn't. It all happened so fast.

Captain Holt: Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal. Whoever took that pie, come forward and all will be forgiven. Smart. You knew I would never forgive you. But you're dumb if you think I won't get to the bottom of this. Everyone here is a suspect.

Kevin: Well, everyone's plans seem lovely.
Scully: Oh, Hitchcock and I didn't say ours.
Kevin: How unfortunate.

Rosa: I guess I'm only one doing this holiday right. Hitting the open road with my bike. No family, no friends, no dinner.
Sergeant Jeffords: That sounds really dark.
Rosa: Thank you.

Scully: How dare you. You have no proof.
Rosa: There's crumbs all over your desks.
Hitchcock: Well, these aren't pie crumbs. Bread, cookie, pizza, sandwich, blintz, and one good old fashioned potato chip. No pie here. I just humiliated you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, at the Jefford's house, it's not just Thanksgiving, it's also Ava's birthday, so we do it up huge. I got her a Perry the Parrot. That's a hot toy. Terry tried ten toy stores.

Karen Peralta: Hola. Feliz Thanksgiving. Jake told me you were Cuban.
Jake: Yes, I did, and I regret it.

Captain Holt: My pie, and it wasn't even eaten. Just thrown away like common street trash.
Hitchcock: Makes me sick. Spend your life on the force, and it never gets easier.

Jake: Okay, the house is all clean. The wine is in the fridge. What is this pitcher of gray water?
Karen Peralta: I read an article that said when you wash vegetables, all the nutrients leech into the water and then you can drink it. They call it a super water.
Jake: Oh. Well, that's neat. I am gonna just hide it right over here.

Roger Peralta: She said it was a bowl. Bet you didn't know I understood Spanish.
Victor Santiago: Very impressive. You learn that from one of your mistresses?
Roger Peralta: Yeah. As a matter of fact, I did.

Captain Holt: And, Boyle, out buying goose feet for Nickolaj?
Charles: Nikolaj.
Captain Holt: I found your grocery store receipt. No feet of any kind. But there was one purchase, a beverage that pairs perfectly with pie. One gallon of milk!

Victor Santiago: He needs help now! You know who this man is? Captain Roger Peralta. He taught Sully Sullenberger how to fly.

Jake: Are you erasing the word controlling behind my back while we kiss?
Amy: Mm-hmm.

Jake: Now then, on the other side, we have the Peraltas: Karen and Roger. They are perfectly normal, no known flaws. All right, fine. My dad's a selfish drunken slut and my mom's a flighty weirdo.

Captain Holt: I should have known you were lying. There's nothing better than a plain scone.

Captain Holt: Look how the pie was disposed of. Placed gently with two hands inside the bin. That's exactly how you always throw away garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: It is?

Rosa: Okay, I lied.
Captain Holt: Thank you.
Rosa: Not about the pie. About my Thanksgiving. I'm not spending it alone. I'm spending it with my family. We're seeing the new "Minions" musical on Broadway. And I wasn't putting oil in my bike. I was picking up these matching T-shirts for my whole family. I missed my family a lot when I was in prison and we've gotten really close again. I was embarrassed about how pumped I am to see them.
The T-shirts were my idea.

Captain Holt: This heist took three people. Lady Dipstick, Mr. Fib, and the Milk Man. The jig is up. Confess.

Captain Holt: Diaz, if you were changing the oil in your bike for your big ride up the coast, then tell me, why is your tank only half full?
Rosa: You dipsticked my bike?
Captain Holt: That's not all I dipsticked.

Jake: Our objective is clear. Our parents will laugh, they will bond, and then when the time is right, our fathers will share a hug good-bye and it will be weird, but in the good way.
Amy: Oh, my God. What is that photo?
Jake: I did an image search for dad's hugging. I didn't have a lot of time to put this board together.

Captain Holt: I went to a meeting and when I returned, my pie was gone. Which one of you took it?
Rosa: Calm down, there's no need to point fingers. At us. It was clearly Hitchcock and Scully.

Jake: Plus, you gotta admit, your parents were being a little condescending.
Amy: Why? Because they asked what was in the dip that seemed to be just mayo?
Jake: All dip is just mayo.

Jake: And apparently my family's a lot bigger than I thought. How many half sisters did you say I have, Dad?
Roger Peralta: I only told you about the sisters?
Jake: Come on.

Jake: This is a nightmare. This is worse than my sixth birthday party when I caught my dad making out with a female clown in the bounce house. Oh, my dad is the worst.

Amy: Maybe we could play a game.
Jake: No. No games. My dad gets super competitive. He used to flip out on me when I beat him at Adult Clue. It was the only board game he had at his condo. All the murder weapons were sex toys.

Captain Holt: How long you been planning this? A day? A week? A year? Or is this the only reason you joined the force to begin with?
Charles: So you think I became a cop just so I can steal your pie?
Captain Holt: Your words not mine.

Roger Peralta: Hey, I used to fly with Sully Sullenberger.
Camila Santiago: What he did was amazing.
Roger Peralta: Between us, I could have landed that plane on the ground at the destination without killing any of those birds.

Charles: I was at the grocery store buying goose feet for Nikolaj's dinner.

Amy: Oh, Jake, it's happening. The weird but good dad hug.
Jake: Oh, it's magical. Best Thanksgiving ever. Yep, Dad, your gown's riding up.
Amy: Oh.
Jake: It's out. It's out.

Jake: I think your feathers are ripping. Gobble.
Charles: Gobble.

Jake: I knew you'd say that, which is why we have this. A list of things they have in common. We can use it to grease the conversation.
Amy: Ooh, convo grease. This is perfect. Okay, our dads both golf. Our mom's both paint. All four of them have hair.
Jake: Yeah, but that's bottom of the barrel stuff. We're not gonna have to use that.

Victor Santiago: Your mom and Camila are on the way. They're still cleaning up all the blood.
Jake: Yeah, there was so much. They might have to move.

Victor Santiago: Hey, Roger, You like jokes. Here's one. I'd hate to be a passenger on one of your flights if you fly as slow as you cut a turkey.
Roger Peralta: Riddle me this, Victor. Who sucks at carving turkey, thinks their rum is good when it's bad?

Victor Santiago: So nice to finally meet you. I'm Victor.
Camila Santiago: And I'm Camila.
Karen Peralta: Oh. And you brought a turkey?
Amy: Sure did. Even though I told her that you were making the turkey, and all she needed to bring was stuffing.
Camila Santiago: The stuffing's inside it and now we have two turkeys, just in case.
Karen Peralta: In case of what?
Amy: I don't know. [laughs awkwardly] Anyway, it was in the car when she picked me up. Isn't that fun?
Jake: The most fun.

Amy: I know. He's ruining the whole day.
Jake: [sighs] Yeah, but, you know, don't just blame my dad.
Amy: You literally just said he's the worst.
Jake: I know. It's okay when I say it. You have to pretend like he's cool. Those are the rules.

Roger Peralta: Who wants to hear a joke?
Victor Santiago: Do you mean like a riddle? 'Cause I love riddles.
Roger Peralta: No, I mean like a joke joke, where I say it and you laugh.
Victor Santiago: No, then I'm not interested.

Captain Holt: Everybody has an alibi. How convenient. So I hope you're comfortable because I will keep you in here all day if necessary!
Officer: [knocks on door] We need the room to question someone - about the Red Hook homicide.
Captain Holt: Oh, no problem. We'll be right out.