Captain Holt: Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt. We need to get you to safety. Your life is in danger.

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Charles: Okay, first of all, Rosa, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.
Rosa: Clearly.

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, so we've secured Captain Holt's husband. Let's discuss how to proceed.
Jake: So what you're saying is, we need to talk about Kevin. *Everybody boos* I have no regrets!

Jake: What is the bandwidth on the wifi here? We have much content to stream.

Rosa: Yeah, we all have huge problems.
Gina: You kinda look like Phil Spector when he was on trial.

Kevin: This installation is composed of Constantine's accounts of the first Punic War in the year 264-
Jake: Ah, yes the first pubic war, the sexiest of all wars. Hi, Dr. Albrin Einstibe. I have an urgent question for you about Ancient Greece.

Kevin: Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture. Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirtbag.
Captain Holt: And why would you? A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner. Clearly, it's a compliment.
Jake: Wow, you guys are so perfect for each other.

Captain Holt: He bled out in your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.
Jake: We don't have to do this.
Captain Holt: Ah, Detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?
Jake: Okay, I get it.
Captain Holt: It's Kevin's? This is devastating. I'm inconsolable. And I've killed myself.
Jake: Cool, well, I can see this is gonna be a fun couple of months.

Seamus Murphy: So, Peralta, what do you have to say for yourself?
Jake: The whole NYPD knows where you are, and they're coming for you right now.
Seamus Murphy: Okay, thanks for the tip. Let's kill them both, get out of here before the cops come.
Jake: Wait, no, no, no, I was lying about the back-up. I came alone - title of my sex tape.

Rosa: Okay, Nikki won't talk to cops. So we've got to send someone in as a customer. Get her to open up, start gossiping.
Gina: Send me. I'm a gossip surgeon. I can get anything out of anyone.
Sergeant Jeffords: You can't go undercover, you're not a cop.
Gina: How am I not a cop, Terry? 'Cause I don't have a badge? Being a cop is a state of mind.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's definitely not.

Captain Holt: What are you doing? You brought my husband to a public place?
Jake: He's undercover. We're perverts, see?
Captain Holt: You're not fooling anyone. Kevin's zipper is up, for God's sake.

Captain Holt: According to Organized Crime, Murphy has gone to ground, and there are no leads.
Jake: Oh, that's great. If he's on the run, he probably won't be worrying about Kevin.
Captain Holt: And if you coat yourself in chum and swim with sharks, you probably won't be eaten. Said the half-eaten chum-covered swimmer.

Jake: Moving on, we're going to need disguises. And since we're going to a public library, the best way to fit in is as-
Kevin: Scholars.
Jake: Weird perverts.
Kevin: Yes, weird perverts is far better.
Jake: Far better.

Captain Holt: You put my husband at risk, and for what? Because you felt a little cooped up?
Jake: That's not it.
Captain Holt: You could have cost him his life.
Kevin: What life, Raymond? I spend every day lying on the floor of that house talking with Jake about popular culture. Do you know what it means to "clap back", Raymond? Be-cause-I-do.

Jake: Oh, Charles! Ah. I need to hear your voice, tell me what I've been missing at the nine-nine.
Charles: Ooh, Terry's grandma got really sick and had to spend a month in the hospital.
Jake: Oh that's sad. I more meant like funny work anecdotes.
Charles: Ah, Scully sat on a cherry pie and he didn't notice for six hours. The tin stayed on the whole time.
Jake: Now we're talking. Did you take a picture?
Charles: Honestly, I didn't see it. I was at Terry's grandma's funeral.
Jake: Come on!

Jake: You know what, screw this. We need a break. I'm a cop, I can protect us. We're going to the library. These two oranges are stepping out. Oh, damn it, peeling out. It was right there!

Amy: No offense, Scully, but you can't be good or bad at jigsaw puzzles. It's just putting shapes together. There's no strategy or reasoning, or logic-
Scully: Look, I got half a page!
Amy: He is the one.

Jake: "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, 'cause this boy's comin' home."
Kevin: "Con Air". What have I become?

Kevin: Or perhaps you employed "Face/Off" technology.
Captain Holt: What?
Kevin: I broke down and watched one of Peralta's action films. I'm lying, I watched them all, including one wherein a man's head turns into a flaming skull.
Jake: "Ghost Rider", and "Ghost Rider 2". Both master-pie.
Kevin: Yes, I need your help, Raymond.

Captain Holt: Enough. We have to get back to the safe house immediately. Let's go. And if you're gonna be a pervert, Kevin, adjust yourself as you walk. Move some quarters around in your pocket.

Jake: Oh my God, I'm so glad Captain Holt finally agreed to let you come visit.
Amy: I missed you so much.
Jake: Me too.
Amy: Um, is there a way we could get a bit more privacy?
Kevin: Just pretend I'm not here. God knows I am.

Gina: Rosa, repeat after me and don't change a thing. Can I tell you the craziest story? One time I was like so drunk-
Rosa: [parroting Gina] And this meathead comes up to me. And his body is hot, but his face is like okay. So I'm like, what?
Gina: And I was like, bitch, I'm not gonna sleep with you just because you promised to take me to the Bahamas.
Rosa: [parroting Gina] Take me to the Bahamas first and then we'll see what happens, okay?
Gina: I was only with him because he drove a Jaguar.
Rosa: [parroting Gina] Turns out it was a Mercury with a Thundercat taped to the hood.
Gina: And that relationship lasted for three months.
Rosa: [parroting Gina] I don't know why we broke up. I guess we just grew apart when he went to prison for life.

Captain Holt: This is one of several designated areas where you can stand upright during the day. You can move about freely in this square.
Jake: Wow, so we have all this room to work in?
Captain Holt: Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.
Kevin: Raymond-
Captain Holt: I can't hear you, Kevin. You're dead.

Captain Holt: No library. Seamus' men could be lurking in the stacks.
Kevin: I find that unlikely.
Captain Holt: I understand, but I disagree.
Kevin: Well then, we are in disagreement. You'll have to excuse me.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.
Jake: Oh, was that a fight?
Captain Holt: Are you kidding? He said "you'll have to excuse me" instead of "please excuse me." Might as well have spit in my face.

Captain Holt: Stop! You're entering the zone of visibility. Someone could see you through the windows.
Jake: Why don't we just close the blinds?
Captain Holt: At mid-day? That's far too suspicious. Blinds will only be closed at night. If you must go into the living room, crawl on your belly. Observe.
Jake: Seems a little extreme.
Captain Holt: You're right, it's extreme of me to try to prevent my husband from being shot in the face. I'm over-doing it. Kevin, come in here. Take your bullet.

Amy: I don't know what I was thinking. We've been at it for two hours and all we've got is three words.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really two. Terry's just fooling himself. "Apache's" a long shot at best.

Amy: Okay, two months in a safe house that's not impossible.
Charles: It's nothing. I once stayed in my apartment for 3 1/2 months straight.
Amy: Was that after they canceled "Bunheads"?
Charles: Why would you bring that up?

Captain Holt: You think I enjoy doing this? I assure you, I do not. I'm simply trying to keep my husband alive.
Kevin: Well, you may not have a husband when all of this is over.
Captain Holt: You're not going to die, Kevin.
Kevin: That's not what I meant.
Captain Holt: I'm leaving. This is an absurd conversation, and you're being ridiculous.

Sergeant Jeffords: My friend in the Organized Crime division says they've been building a case against Seamus Murphy for years, and they're close. They think they'll move on him in the next month or two.
Jake: So you're saying, Kevin can wait? *Everybody boos* You know what, you people are insane. That was gold.

Jake: Hello, who's sneaking around back here?
Captain Holt: Bang, you're dead. And so is Kevin.
Jake: Oh, thank God, it's just you. Wait, no, this is bad in a different way.

Kevin: No, I'm not abandoning my husband. I love him.
Jake: Yeah, I love him too. Everybody loves Raymond.
Kevin: Don't.
Jake: I think that's pretty funny!

Amy: We're piecing together shredded documents to find Seamus Murphy.
Scully: Can I help? I'm really good at jigsaw puzzles. I do them all the time. It's why my wrist muscles are so defined.

Jake: Shall we walk?
Kevin: Of course, Doctor ... I feel like you said Einstibe?
Jake: Yes, that's correct, it's a family name.
Kevin: What is going on?
Jake: Captain Holt sent me. Just follow my lead. Your theory is wrong. The Greeks did not climb out of the Trojan Horse's butt.

Jake: Wait, I'm confused how did you even know we were here? Oh, my God, you sewed a tracker into my neck, didn't you?
Captain Holt: Don't be stupid. The trackers are in your shoes, underwear, and wallet. I also braided one into your hair.
Jake: [gasps] In my tangle?

Jake: Ooh, I know you're working, but you should probably put something on your screen perverted in case someone comes in like a lady in high heels stepping on a businessman.

Charles: You're gonna stay locked up in a safe house, away from us for two months? That's going to be brutal.
Gina: You just said it was nothing.
Charles: Brutal for me, Gina.

Jake: Yeah, next thing, you're going to say you'd wished we had watched "Leaving Las Vegas", a dark, ponderous reflection on alcoholism that earned Cage his Oscar.
Kevin: Aargh! *walks away*
Jake: What? I told you, the guy's got range!

Charles: Here's the plan. Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada gossips about her love life. Then, Nikki opens up about hers.
Rosa: Yeah, this is the problem. I suck at gossiping.
Charles: Which is why I brought along a specialist. Gina will be in your ear feeding you stories.
Gina: I will be basing Gabriella on my sister's friend, Dana. Just be warned Dana real sloppy.

Jake: Okay, we can't stream anything, but I brought my DVD collection. Do you like Nic Cage movies?
Kevin: I don't know who that is.
Jake: Only the greatest and most compelling actor of all time.
Kevin: What are his movies like? Describe them.
Jake: Okay, well, one of them is the FBI has developed face-swapping technology.
Kevin: Not interested.
Jake: There's a whole plane full of convicts.
Kevin: Nope.
Jake: On the back of the original Declaration of Independence, there's a hidden treasure map!
Kevin: Stop.
Jake: But that's the smartest one!

Jake: And you know, in a weird way, I'm going to miss our little house.
Kevin: Yes, and in an even weirder way, I think I might actually miss you.
Jake: And in an even weirder way, I want you guys to be my dads.
Kevin: That is weirder.
Jake: Yeah, I got stuff.

Rosa: They said Seamus' girlfriend Nikki works in a hair salon in Bay Ridge.
Charles: Nice, classic mistress job.
Hitchcock: Hey, my girlfriend's a hairdresser!
Charles: And you cheated on your ex-wife with her.
Hitchcock: Checkmate. Well played.

Jake: Oh, my garsh! It's all the same. Nothing has changed. Except for that.
Rosa: This perm saved your life.
Jake: And I thank it for its service.

Charles: I love this. I feel like Ellen watching her producers go through a haunted house.

Captain Holt: Everyone, quiet down. The feed is live and the raid begins in T-minus 60 seconds.
Jake: In one minute, Kevin and I will finally be able to leave this awful place.
Kevin: And yet we'll never be free of the nightmares.
Jake: No, those shall haunt us for always.
Rosa: Whoa, things got really intense in here, huh?
Jake: Oh, yeah, it got dark. This place is a hell-mouth.

Captain Holt: Where is Kevin?
Jake: Don't worry, he's safe. Look, Captain, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Captain Holt: You should be. You should have abided by my security rules.
Jake: You're right. But I want you to know, I didn't take Kevin to the library because I was stir-crazy. It was because I didn't want you guys to get divorced.
Captain Holt: How is that any concern of yours?
Jake: I don't know, I just I've been around so many failed marriages in my life.
You know, first my mom and my dad, then Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and Brandi, Hitchcock and Francine, Hitchcock and Brandi again, Hitchcock and Madison-
Captain Holt: Madison wasn't his daughter? But he dropped her off at college last fall.
Jake: I know, it was really gross. But the point is, I just couldn't stand to see you two fall apart.

Jake: That's it. These two oranges are going to the library! Damn it, peeling out, it was right there!

Captain Holt: Perhaps I should have been more understanding of what Kevin was going through. I may die here tonight, and his last memory of me will be how miserable I made him.

Captain Holt: It's over now. He can't hurt me or Kevin. Thank you, for titting my tat.
Jake: Well, thank you for tatting my tit.

Jake: No offense, but it feels so good to breathe air that didn't come out of your mouth.
Kevin: None taken.

Jake: This is great. There's nobody here. Everyone cleared out as soon as we got here. Even that actual pervert was creeped out by us.

Hitchcock: Ooh, are you guys building a nap nest? Mind if we burrow?
Amy: No!

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy? Amy? Amy, where'd you go?
Amy: Down here. I let the pile take me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Bam! Solid match. Okay, I've got three words. I've got an "and", I've got an "an" and a "he". Now, the "he" could be a part of a "the" or the end of "Apache". I don't know why, but I'm getting a strong "Apache" vibe.

Jake: I shot a watermelon once. It's exactly what you want it to be.

Captain Holt: Good oranges, nice and dry. Not at all ripe.
Kevin: Fascinating. My orange is beginning to rot. That happens when you leave an orange sitting around for too long and refuse to even let that orange go to a library for two hours so it can feel like a real orange again.
Captain Holt: You know what really causes an orange to go bad? Getting shot. Have you seen what a bullet does to an orange?

Captain Holt: While Murphy is at large, he's still a threat.
Kevin: So I'm going to be stuck here forever, following these over-the-top security precautions?
Captain Holt: No.
Kevin: Thank God.
Captain Holt: The security procedures are about to become much more over-the-top. Say good-bye to your one hour of open window time.

Sergeant Jeffords: Diaz, the mission is yours.
Rosa: Great. I love strangers touching my head.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, you don't have a choice.

Scully: Oh no, I sat in another pie.
Jake: Damn it! Next time, sit on a pie when we can enjoy it, Scully.

Jake: Oh, yes, people. Actual real people that aren't Kevin. Hi, I want to touch you.
Amy: Babe, you're being weird.
Jake: Right, sorry. I forgot how to be human.

Jake: Hello, Captain.
Captain Holt: And you're both dead. You didn't ask for the password. What if I were an assassin wearing a hyper-realistic latex mask?

Jake: Okay, I think you're actually going to like this one. Nic Cage is a chemist-
Kevin: Interesting, keep going.
Jake: Who has to break into Alcatraz-
Kevin: Absolutely not! Are there no other actors?

Captain Holt: Say good-bye to the outside world. You're in the safe house now, so I'll need your phone.
Jake: Why?
Captain Holt: Internet, cellular signals. They're too easy to trace.
Jake: Seriously, no phone? What am I supposed to do to pass the time?
Captain Holt: You could learn a foreign language.
Jake: Go to hell.

Rosa: I don't understand. Why can't we just put Kevin into WITSEC?
Sergeant Jeffords: The Murphys have killed three witnesses in federal protection. Captain doesn't wanna risk it. We'll take shifts staying with Kevin.
Jake: No, it should just be me. Look, it's my fault that Murphy's after Kevin. Captain Holt bailed me out, and now it's my turn to bail him out. Plus we've got this whole tit for tat thing going, and it's my time to tit. It's my tit turn.
My time to tit is today, Terry.