Captain Holt: Hitchcock, there's a woman here interviewing detectives a part of the Commissioner selection process.
Hitchcock: All right, I'll go hide in the janitor's closet until this is all over. Thanks for the heads up.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late for that. She wants to talk to you.
Hitchcock: What? No! How could you let this happen? I'm nuts!
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, calm down, man. We just took her on a tour of the precinct and now she's at lunch. That means we have one hour to teach you how to behave like a human.
Hitchcock: Oh, I see. You're gonna "My Bare Lady" me.
Captain Holt: "My Bare Lady"?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm assuming it's a "My Fair Lady" porn parody.
Captain Holt: Oh, my. We've got our work cutout for us.

Charles: Hey, guys. Uh, can we talk?
Amy: Let me guess, you got overwhelmed and had to use our six-sandwich technique.
Charles: No, my one at a time system worked perfectly.
Amy: Oh.
Charles: It's just, making Nana Boyle's meatball recipe got me thinking a lot about her-
Amy: And let me guess, you realized she'd be ashamed of how you acted?
Charles: No, Nana Boyle was a monster. She once yelled at me so loud, I fainted.
She was a hateful witch. She died with no friends.
Gina: And let me guess, you realized you were acting just like her and you felt terrible?
Charles: Yes.
Gina: You see, Amy? You don't do "and let me guess" until you're sure you're right.

Captain Holt: You're looking at a suspension, maybe worse. Unless you can track down Doug Judy and recover those diamonds.
Jake: Can they wait 12 months? I usually run into him about once a year.

Doug Judy: [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, are you finally single?
Rosa: No.
Doug Judy: I respect that.

Doug Judy: We'll be safe here. I know the owner. He'd never turn me in.
Jake: Yeah, I have the exact same relationship with the guy who runs the laser tag place I love. I mean, gun range.
Doug Judy: Peralta, who you out here stuntin' for, huh? I love laser-T. We gotta go sometime, man.
Jake: I was hoping you'd say that. I wasn't stunting.
Doug Judy: A little bit.
Jake: A little stunting.
Doug Judy: You stunted.
Jake: A little bit.

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, there was a botched B & E at a jewelry store on Atlantic that just turned into a hostage situation. They want you to be the negotiator.
Jake: Oh, my God, my prayers have finally been answered.
Rosa: You prayed for a hostage situation?
Jake: Yes, I did. Every single day.

Sergeant Jeffords: Practice introducing yourself.
Hitchcock: Hello, I'm Detective Michael Hitchcock.
Sergeant Jeffords: [chuckles] Nice job. But why are your hands so wet?
Hitchcock: Trick question. The answers disgusting, so I shouldn't tell her.
Sergeant Jeffords: Just don't have wet hands, man.

Charles: Fine, quit just like Jeff and Jason did.
Gina: You told us they got sick.
Charles: They got sick of hard work just like you two! Get out! You'll never cook in this town again!
Amy: We're not chefs!
Charles: And you never will be.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oop, they're looking at us. Act natural.
Captain Holt: Spreadsheet, spreadsheet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Crime, crime.
Captain Holt: Precinct, precinct.

Charles: Okay, see. The cut is a little slopey. I want you to cut it straight across. No big deal. Again. Oh. Uhp, slopey. Don't over think it. Again.
Now you're not thinking enough. Again. Still slopey. Again.
Again! You know what? Why don't we try this: Why don't you just take that knife, put it to my throat, and finish the job!
Amy: Huh?
Charles: Do I look like Jake to you?
Amy: What?
Charles: Do I look like Jake to you?
Amy: No, not at all.
Charles: Then why are you trying to screw me?
Amy: Oh, my God, Charles, what is going on with you?
Charles: It's chef!

Jake: Judy wasn't lying. That's Halloway. We gotta arrest him.
Doug Judy: Jake, he's running.
Jake: Come on, man.
Dennis Cole: Only if I get the collar and 100% of the credit.
Jake: Are you negotiating right now?
Dennis Cole: Always.
Jake: Okay, that was actually a really cool thing to say. All right, let's do it.

Amy: Order up, chef.
Charles: What is this? Why are you making six sandwiches at once?
Amy: It's more efficient. Now we're ready for the next five customers.
Charles: Who gives a hump about efficiency? The perfect meatball sandwich is sauced exactly 70 seconds before being served to maintain bread integrity. So sandwich number one will be fine, but sandwich number six will be a soggy turd.
Change in menu. We're serving soggy turds now! Get 'em while they're wet.

Jake: ESU won't take your deal. They think you're lying.
Doug Judy: I'm not lying. I don't wanna be a criminal. I love my life as a average citizen. I voted for the first time this year. Ed Breakfast for school board.
Jake: Who?
Doug Judy: I don't know. He had a funny name. He deserves a shot.
Jake: That's why I voted for Stacy Ladle.

Amy: Okay, Boyle, stop freaking out. I have the day off. I can step in and help.
Gina: Yeah, me too. I'm not off, but I come and go as I please. It's part of my charm. I'm like an outdoor cat.

Doug Judy: Also, it would me my honor to sing at your wedding.
Jake: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna be possible.
Doug Judy: Oh, I get it. You're afraid when I open my mouth, everyone's gonna start smushing on sight.
Jake: No, I more meant that you're probably still gonna be in jail.
Doug Judy: Damn, that's right. I almost forgot. Tell you what. I'll record you some songs. "Kiss From a Rose" really exploits my range.

Doug Judy: Two years ago before I went straight, I stole a car from a drug dealer. Martin Halloway.
Jake: Oh, no, Judy, he's a bad guy.
Doug Judy: I know. When I realized it was his car, I torched it along with the drugs that were in the trunk that I didn't know about.
Jake: Oh, no, Judy. Trunk drugs?
Doug Judy: Millions of dollars of them. Halloway just found out it was me. Said I had to do a job for him to pay off my debt.
Jake: But did you tell him you went straight? Did you tell him about Dustin?
Doug Judy: I did. He said he doesn't watch "Stranger Things".
Jake: Oh, this guy is the worst.

Sergeant Jeffords: You were so professional.
Hitchcock: I know. I didn't even fart once. You're right. I can hold it.

Captain Holt: You know, if you can change for an interview, you can change for good.
Hitchcock: Nah, too much work.
Sergeant Jeffords: But that's not how "My Fair Lady" ends. Eliza Doolittle doesn't go back to her old life. She falls in love with Henry Higgins.
Hitchcock: Well, "My Bare Lady," is a little different. It's not Eliza Doolittle and Henry Higgins. It's Eliza DooEverybody and Leroy Pipe. And in the end, they rub-
Captain Holt: Nope. We don't need a recap. Thank you for your help today.
Hitchcock: Anytime, Captain.

Captain Holt: Hello, Miss Sumter.
Miss Sumter: Hello, Captain. I'm excited to speak to you subordinates and learn more about your management style.
Captain Holt: I thought you could talk to Sergeant Jeffords here.
Miss Sumter: Sergeant? Oh, um, I'd rather not talk to a supervisor. I was hoping to interview one of your detectives. Perhaps, um, him?
Captain Holt: No!
Miss Sumter: Excuse me?
Captain Holt: There was a wasp near me, which has since disappeared. You can interview Detective Hitchcock and I am completely fine with that.

Dennis Cole: Why are we sending him in? One of my men should do it.
Rosa: It would take two of your people three trips each to hold this much food. My guy's a pro.
Scully: I've been carrying takeout since before you were born, son.

Dennis Cole: Nice try, Judy.
Scully: Hi, there.
Rosa: Nice work, Dennis, you just caught a man having a medical emergency.
Dennis Cole: Why was there a sheet over his head?
EMT: Couldn't find his pulse.
Scully: Yeah, it's super weak.

Charles: Amy, Gina, you came!
Amy: You think I'd miss opening day of your food truck? I'm your biggest fan.
Gina: Also your biggest investor. She was freaking out she was gonna lose a ton of money.
Amy: I told you that in confidence.
Gina: We don't have that kind of relationship.

Rosa: We swept the area. No sign of Doug Judy or Peralta.
Dennis Cole: I can't believe that idiot thought he could just waltz in here and do my job. It's hard to be a negotiator! My first 50 jumpers, 49 died.
Rosa: You only talked down one person?
Dennis Cole: No, he jumped too, but he landed on this woman who broke his fall.
She died, but you can't count that against me.
Rosa: I definitely can.

Rosa: Seriously, man? This is like that story my dad told me as a little kid.
You're the frog and he's a scorpion. You're gonna help him across the river.
And in the end, he'll sting you, and then you'll both drown.
Jake: Wow, that's dark. My parents didn't read to me at all. I just watched cartoons till I fell asleep. Do you think that our childhoods shape the adults we become?
Rosa: They do. And cartoons shaped you into a naive little frog.

Captain Holt: Just got off the phone with the brass. It doesn't look good. They're still trying to decide on a punishment for your actions.
Jake: Well, did you tell them I feel so bad I have a tummy ache?
Captain Holt: I did. They were unaffected.

Doug Judy: Here's what I wanna say, though: I'm sorry I won't be at your wedding. But I did record you a CD of original smush jams that will consummate the marriage.

Jake: Ugh, I can't believe you deceived me. I can't believe you used my love for your mother against me.
Doug Judy: I love that you love her.
Jake: Of course I do. She's a living saint.
Doug Judy: Amen.

Captain Holt: Is Hitchcock doing okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: I think so. Wait. He's bringing his hand to his face. Don't pick your teeth. Don't pick your nose.
Captain Holt: Oh, dear, he's going to lick something off his fingers. Oh, no, he's stroking his chin. As if in thought.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not as if. He is in thought.

Captain Holt: You look incredible.
Hitchcock: You bet I do. These pants really flatter my dong. What? Dong wasn't on the list.

Jake: They could take my badge, Judy!
Doug Judy: I guess Rosa was right. I'm scorpion. Scorpion's gonna scorp. I'm sorry I can't be the man you want me to be.
Jake: Damn it, stop being so romantic. Now turn around and come back to me, you fool? Hello? Hello? He's gone. He broke my heart.

Charles: Can you guys forgive me? Please?
Amy: Of course, Charles. But we will never work for you again.
Charles: Yeah, that's a smart move. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. I can't control when Nana comes out.

Captain Holt: They said they could have justified your tactics if you'd come away with Halloway and the diamonds, but as things stand, there are no diamonds.
Jake: Well, there are some diamonds. You know, the tops of engagement rings, diamond mines, but, yes, I see what you're saying in regards to these diamonds and it ruining my career.

Doug Judy: Look, even though I am a scorpion, I will never drown your adorable little frog ass. So that's what I had to say. I'm sure I'll see you again at some point.

Doug Judy: I cannot believe I didn't know you and Amy were getting married.
Jake: Yeah, well, you're not exactly an easy person to find.
Doug Judy: Right, right, right. I am elusive as hell.

Captain Holt: Here's our list of words to avoid: Chick, foxy, Jew, throb.
Hitchcock: Is grundle on the table?
Captain Holt: No, it's not on the table.

Jake: Okay, first, little frogs are adorable, and second, he's not that kind of scorpion anymore.
Doug Judy: I'm a changed bug.
Jake: Actually, scorpions are arthropods. Amy made me watch a documentary.

Charles: Gina, you're up.
Gina: Okay, but I'm not calling you chef, and you're not yelling at me.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Gina: There you go.
Charles: Ah, thank you. No slope! A nice, straight cut! Thank you.
Gina: I felt good 'cause the knife-
Charles: But you smushed the bread! It's too smushy! Again.

Jake: That was so much fun! Oh, man, you sounded really scary.
Doug Judy: No, no, it was all you. The tremble in your voice sold it. "Just do whatever he wants."
Jake: I just made that up. Ah, I was so in the moment.
Doug Judy: Dude, seriously? You are a great hostage.
Jake: Oh, thanks, Judy. You're a great hostage taker. Whoop.

Jake: Hey, everyone, I'm here. I'm Jake Peralta, the negotiator.
Dennis Cole: Oh, so you're Jake Peralta?
Jake: The negotiator, yes.

Who are you?
Dennis Cole: Dennis Cole, ESU. This was my crime scene before you bozos got here.
Rosa: Nice to meet you too, Dennis.
Dennis Cole: I've spent ten years as a negotiator and you just took my first hostage situation. All I've done up till now is talk jumpers off of rooftops.
Jake: But that must be satisfying in its own way, right?
Dennis Cole: Yeah, really satisfying saving a crazy person's life. Whatever. Here's a little advice. I don't like you two.
Jake: Not so much advice as it is a hurtful statement based on limited interaction.

Doug Judy: You mean Pam and the two Bobs? They not hostages. I prefer to call them "collateral friendships". I gave 'em each 500 bucks out of my own pocket.
Bob: Thanks again, Doug.
Bob: You the man, Doug.
Pam: Actually, I'd rather still not be a hostage.
Doug Judy: Pam hasn't come around on me yet. Tell her I'm a nice person, Jake.
Pam: I'm sorry. Officer, are you friends with this criminal?
Jake: No, not really.
Doug Judy: Absolutely, best friends.
Jake: It's a layered relationship, Pam.
Doug Judy: Best friends.

Jake: What the hell? I thought you went straight?
Doug Judy: I did. I'm a high-end car broker now. I procure luxury vehicles for the rich and famous and I do it legally. Last week I dropped off a Bugatti to the kid with the lisp from "Stranger Things".
Jake: You met Dustin? Was he cool? Do him and the rest of the gang hang out in real life? You know what? No. We are not chatting right now. You have three hostages.

Doug Judy: I gotta admit, man. I thought you'd be happy to see me. Why you being so weird.
Jake: Oh, I don't know. I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm probably tired from that. Oh, and also, this is a hostage situation!

Captain Holt: Sergeant, a member of the Commissioner selection committee is coming in today to tour the precinct and do some interviews. Would you mind speaking with her?
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course. Terry loves answering the hard questions.

Doug Judy: So, is there a La Creuset pot on your registry, by chance?
Jake: Of course. You can cook and serve in them.
Doug Judy: And it looks amazing on your shelf. What's your color of preference? French grey or mineral blue?
Jake: Oh, you really do know your Le Creuset. French grey. Mineral Blue makes me want to barf.

Jake: But what about your job? What about Dustin from "Stranger Things"?
Doug Judy: Famous kids are monsters. You do not wanna meet Young Sheldon.
Jake: Really? Ah, that's disappointing. He was so good in "Big Little Lies". Wait, no, we are not talking about this right now!

Rosa: I don't understand. Why isn't ESU handling this?
Sergeant Jeffords: Apparently, the hostage-taker asked for Jake by name.
Jake: Oh, yes, it's getting even cooler. Oh, man, I wonder who it is. Ooh! Maybe it's the brother of someone I put away for life. Ooh! Or the identical twin of someone I put away for life. Ooh! Or the fraternal twin of-
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake! Just get down there! Take Diaz with you.
Jake: Yep. Yep, yep, yep. How do I look? It doesn't matter. Let's go negotiate!

Jake: You wanted to talk to me?
Doug Judy: Keep those hands in the air. And wave 'em like you just don't care.
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: I'm just messing with you, Peralta. Put your hands down, give me a hug, baby.
Jake: Judy!

Captain Holt: Oh, here she is. I guess you don't have time to take off those ridiculous suspenders.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Jake: Now's the time where you tell me everything's gonna be okay.
Rosa: Everything's gonna be okay.
Jake: You don't know that, Rosa!

Dennis Cole: He's trapped and desperate. Everything he told you is a lie.
Jake: Why do you say he's lying?
Dennis Cole: That's all negotiating is. Two liars lying to each other until one liar stands too close to the window and gets shot in the head.
Jake: That can't be all negotiating is.
Dennis Cole: It absolutely is. Now, get in there and coax him to a window. Snipers to one. The window plan is on. I repeat. The window plan is on.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no! Snipers to zero. Snipers take a nap. The nap plan is on. It's nap time, snipers.

Doug Judy: Look, I wasn't lying though. Halloway was gonna hurt her and you saved her life, but then I was all alone with the diamonds, next thing I know, I'm hot wiring a car and driving away.
Jake: Oh, but I thought you liked being a good citizen? You voted Ed Breakfast for school board.
Doug Judy: And he immediately had a sex scandal. It was very disillusioning.
Jake: For sure. Our democracy is crumbling.

Charles: Okay, I think we're ready for a practice sandwich.
Amy: Sounds good, boss.
Charles: Please call me "chef".
Amy: [chuckles] That's funny. ... Chef.
Charles: Thank you.