Jake: Where did I put them? Let's see. I had them in my left hand, and then I went to open the trunk, so I switched to my right hand. Oh, but then I had to sneeze, and I thought, "I don't want to sneeze on these keys." Dr. Seuss. Not really, but should be. "Do not sneeze on my keys. Do not wheeze on my keys. Do not sneeze on your knees on my keys, if you please."
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, could you please move along on this thought journey?
Jake: Yeah, right, sorry. Okay, so then I put them on top of a plastic tub, which is locked inside the car. The keys are locked inside the car!
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Gina: What are we looking for? Can you describe the envelope?
Captain Holt: It was a white number ten. It's the same kind you use to send fan mail to yourself.
Gina: I've never done that, but I do know what envelopes my fans use, so that's very helpful.

Gina: Did you change your mind about the whispering? 'Cause we came up with some dandies. I heard she's a day drinker.
Charles: I heard she doesn't like me. I actually did hear that. Officer Thomas told me.

Captain Holt: This is not a strategy I'd normally entertain, however, challenging Olivia publicly is out of the question, so what do you have in mind?
Gina: Whispers.
Captain Holt: Yes, I know, but what specifically are the words that you would be whispering?
Charles: She lied on her resume.
Gina: She's a shoplifter.
Charles: She planted evidence.
Gina: She seduced a priest.
Charles: She pads her stats.
Gina: She's sort of stanky, I heard.
Captain Holt: No, no. I wanna be commissioner of the NYPD, but I want to achieve it honorably. There has to be another way.
Charles: There isn't.
Gina: Whispers.

Captain Holt: We just made John Kelly commissioner.
Gina: Not if we get those letters back before anyone reads them.
Olivia Crawford: Are you too old to run?
Captain Holt: Are you too inexperienced to know that power-walking is a far more efficient and sustainable method of hurrying? Burn.

[Reading the message left on the wall by Mindar: "Diaz and Santiago, your to late!"]
Rosa: Nope, he remembered.
Amy: And he used the wrong "you're" and the wrong "too"! Son of a bitch!

Olivia Crawford: Half of the committee supports John Kelly, and the other half is divided between the two of us.
Captain Holt: We're splitting the vote.
Olivia Crawford: So for either of us to have a chance, one of us needs to step aside.
Captain Holt: Exactly.
Olivia Crawford: You should drop out.
Captain Holt: Is what you said to yourself in the mirror this morning instead of checking your eye for goop. And I agree. You should drop out.
Olivia Crawford: Is what you said to yourself in the mirror this morning while polishing your head.

Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm not talking about that. All those decisions you made? You are way over budget.
Jake: Oh, no. My groom gut is a fancy bitch.

Jake: All right, let's crush this list.
[phone call 1:] Calla lilies? Do you think I'm planning a funeral? I want dahlias.
[phone call 2:] No, no, no. Brown sprinkles at the ice cream bar? Do you think I'm planning a funeral? Give me rainbow!
[phone call 3:] Mini lamb shanks? Do you think I'm planning a funeral? Swap 'em out for some tiny tuna tacos.
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why do you keep saying the funeral thing?
Jake: Because my groom gut has a catchphrase. Doy.

Charles: Well, Gina and I have been discussing the situation and we think we know what you need to do.
Captain Holt: Oh? What is that?
Gina: Whisper campaign.
Charles: It's the best way to bring down an enemy if you don't wanna get your hands dirty. How do you think I stole the cheese club presidency away from Bruce?
Gina: Whisper.
Charles: I heard he thought camembert was goat cheese.
Gina: And how do you think I got Janet and her horrible daughter Dakota to drop out of baby bongos class?
Charles: Whispers.
Gina: I heard Dakota has foot in mouth disease.
Charles: Sir, you have to give us permission to do this. Weaponize our sweet little mouths.
Gina: Ugh, how are we on the same side of this?

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, you gotta pick a napkin.
Jake: The binder said they should be beige. I didn't realize there'd be 45 different shades. "Chanterelle," "desert whimsy," "filbert husk"? Words have no more meaning, Terry.

Captain Holt: Well done, Olivia. Okay, tear that up, and now we just have to find your letter. What are the dimensions of your envelope?
Olivia Crawford: Zero by zero. It's too late for me. I withdrew from the race by e-mail.
Captain Holt: What?
Olivia Crawford: Yes, I used e-mail, because I'm not a million years old. Listen, the only reason why I even made it this far is because you stood up for me with the selection committee. I came here to make sure that at least one of us stays in the running. Someone has to beat John Kelly. So you better get that damn job. 'Cause I'm excited to have you as my commissioner.
Captain Holt: Thank you, Olivia. And I'll be excited for you to be commissioner after me.
Olivia Crawford: That'll probably be in a matter of months, once you die from old age. Go get 'em, Grandpa.

Amy: He's a ruthless killer who built a meth empire. We were tracking him for weeks, but he kept getting away.
Rosa: Finally, we cornered him in a warehouse. Every exit was covered and he just vanished. Then he sent us a postcard from Paraguay a year later just to taunt us. It was diabolical.
Amy: Yeah, it was full of grammar errors and other taunts that normal people care about.

Sergeant Jeffords: We don't have time for that! We need help. We need to hire a team.
Jake: I know, but there's no money in the budget. Unless maybe we could find people that were willing to work for something other than money. Hey, Hitchcock and Scully! How would you two like to earn some candy almonds?
Scully: You got our attention.

Olivia Crawford: Don't you think it's time New York had its first female commissioner?
Captain Holt: What about its first openly gay commissioner?
Olivia Crawford: Yes, that would be vital and important if you weren't 1 million years old.
Captain Holt: You do know that exaggeration is the "huckster's crutch"? Also, I come off quite youthful.
Olivia Crawford: You just said "huckster's crutch." Step aside, Grandpa.

Amy: Rosa, I'm working this case with you. Jake, I know we have a ton of wedding stuff to do, but-
Jake: No, no, no. You absolutely have to do this. He's your white whale. He's your Johnny Franzia.
Amy: Who?
Jake: My archnemesis? Johnny Franzia? The guy who's been tormenting me with a deck of cards for years? "Looks like deuces are wild, Peralta"? Seriously? I feel like I talk about him constantly, but it doesn't matter.

Gina: Charles, shh.
Charles: I wasn't talking.
Gina: Shh!

Rosa: That was the first time I was the primary on a case. The fact that I let him get away still haunts me. He's been in every dream I've had for the last seven years.
Jake: Even the one you told me about where you're flying on a marshmallow?
Rosa: Who do you think was riding the jellybean I was chasing?
Jake: Mindar.

Amy: So we're good? You're not mad at me anymore?
Rosa: No. You're about to be real mad at me.
Amy: For what?
Rosa: 'Cause I'm gonna reset your knee. Look at the bunny.
Amy: Huh? Argh!

Olivia Crawford: I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I have a source on the nominating committee. They're making their recommendation to the mayor at the end of next week, and it seems that John Kelly is going to beat out both of us.
Gina: Big shocker. The straight white man wins again.
Olivia Crawford: Exactly.
Captain Holt: Amen.
Charles: That was my complaint about Owen winning "Top Chef Junior," and you guys all acted like I was crazy.

Jake: Who's Sergio Mindar?
Rosa: The bane of my existence.
Jake: Bane from "Batman", right? ... Continue.

Amy: Someone tipped off Sergio that the cops were visiting his grandmother, and there was only one person that knew we were cops. That nurse who hates old people, Ezra.
Rosa: Of course. Never leave your money unprotected. That's the first thing I learned in business school.
Amy: You also went to business school?
Rosa: Yeah, and I also have a pilot's license. Whatever.

Rosa: What the hell were you thinking? You're lucky you just dislocated your knee.
Amy: How do you know it's dislocated?
Rosa: I went to med school for three years.
Amy: You did? When?
Rosa: That's not the point! Why did you jump off the building?

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, we can do that. How much work can that possibly be?
Jake: Here are Amy's instructions. "Place eight Jordan almonds two pink, two blue, two white, and two purple at the center of the organza square. Draw the corners to a point and use the two-centimeter ribbon to cinch into a mini-bag." Good lord.
Sergeant Jeffords: That doesn't sound so bad.
Jake: That's step one of 38.

Jake: We're actually gonna get these gift bags to the venue before they close. Thank you, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't thank me. Hitchcock and Scully did more than I did.
Jake: Yeah, but you had to hold your hand near their mouth when you fed them those almonds.
Scully: And that's scary. We're like snapping turtles.

Jake: Okay, I have a plan to get us back on budget. I got my groom gut to agree to a more basic wine package.
Sergeant Jeffords: Basic meaning simple, or basic meaning "basic"?
Jake: Basic meaning "basic," Terry. We're drinking the wine with the foot on the label, but it's a huge savings and we can make up the rest if we just assemble the gift bags ourselves.

Amy: Look at us. Following an old lady, about to catch our white whale. Ah, just another exciting day for the sleuth sisters. That's a name I just came up with.
If you like it, stay silent. Good, I like it too. That's our name forever.

Ezra: That seems like a good thing. Why isn't she happier?
Amy: There's a lot going on that I can't explain, Ezra! But thank you. Seriously, you saved the day.

Amy: All right, Sergio. We've been waiting seven years to say this.
Rosa: Sergio Mindar, you're under arrest.
Amy: That's Y-O-U, apostrophe, R-E.
Sergio Mindar: I can't believe you caught me.
Rosa: Well, believe it. We're an amazing team. We're the sleuth sisters.
Amy: Damn straight, we are.
Sergio Mindar: Lame.
Amy: Stay out of it, Sergio!

Rosa: Well, our only lead turned to crap.
Amy: Let me go back in there. I just need a little more time with Louise. Did you see Eunice? She was practically humping my leg.

Amy: All right, there are seven days until the wedding, so we are officially transitioning from the "Month Of" binder to ... "Week Of" binder.
Jake: My goodness. They're getting bigger.
Amy: You should see the honeymoon binder.
Jake: Ooh. Is there a tab for sex stuff?
Amy: Several. And they're cascading.
Jake: Yeah, they are.

Olivia Crawford: Raymond.
Captain Holt: Hello.
Olivia Crawford: You have goop in your eye.
Captain Holt: No, I don't. I rinsed my eyes before you arrived.

Amy: I was trying to make up for letting him get away seven years ago.
Rosa: What? I don't care about that. You had an instinct. You followed it and you were wrong. That happens to everybody. I care that you lied to me.
Amy: It's just we didn't know each other well back then, and, to be honest, when I first got to the Nine-Nine, I was a little intimidated by you.
Rosa: Good. Go on.

Amy: And then it got more and more awkward to bring up, so I never did. I just hoped that we'd catch him eventually and you'd never be tipped off to the fact that I let him go. Oh! Ey!
Rosa: What are you doing with your face and your voice?
Amy: I had an epiphany and I got real excited. I moved my knee and now I hurt a-real bad.
Rosa: Okay, breathe through the pain and tell me what you figured out.

Jake: We can't wait that long. Our little cookie faces are already melting. We look like a couple of Slimers.
Scully: Yeah, those cookies are definitely ruined. I'll take them off your hands.
Hitchcock: You're a good person, Scully.

Jake: This is crazy. Why don't you have a backup key, Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: The dealer tried charging me an extra $300 for it. I told him I didn't want it because Terry never loses his key.
Jake: Yeah, but Jake does. You always have to plan around me. I'm a part of your life.

Jake: All right, look. We only have one option left. You're gonna have to pick up the car and carry it to the venue.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, how will we get the bags out?
Jake: Is that seriously your only problem with what I just said?
Sergeant Jeffords: Pretty much.

Jake: Hiyah!
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell? My van! What are you doing?
Jake: Whatever it takes to make Amy happy. You told me to do this. Now, let's get these gift bags to the venue!
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! Why did you do that?
Jake: Because I care! Oh, I feel so good.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why'd you break a second window, fool?
Jake: You know, you're really stepping on my moment here, Terry. I love Amy Santiago! We're gonna take each other's names! Let's go!

Captain Holt: Boyle, watch the door.
Charles: Watch the door. That's the job they always give the coolest guy in the heist.

Jake: Okay, so we are way behind. Picking out napkins took up a shockingly large part of the day, which is funny, because in my regular life, I don't use napkins ever.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's gross, but the good news is, your groom gut is all fired up.
Jake: She sure is, and she's hungry for tasks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Your groom gut is a woman?
Jake: Yeah, why?
Sergeant Jeffords: I think it's really cool.
Jake: Oh, thanks!

Amy: Today's our only day off before Saturday. We have 24 hours to accomplish a week's worth of wedding prep. This is what getting married is all about.
Jake: And spending your life with your soul mate.
Amy: Uh-huh.

Gina: Olivia Crawford just got off the elevator.
Captain Holt: My rival for the commissionership? She's here right now? I've got to come up with a confident opening salvo. Think, Raymond. Think.
Olivia Crawford: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Olivia. You have a little bit of goop in your eye.
Olivia Crawford: Oh, thank you.
[Holt looks knowingly at Gina]

Jake: Look, I promised Amy I could get everything done, and I definitely can't.
Breaking promises is how marriages end, not how they start!
Sergeant Jeffords: What is that?
Jake: I have 143 tasks to get through in the next 12 hours. I set a recurring alarm so I know how fast I should be moving.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, how's that going?
Jake: Not well. I'm already three tasks behind and the alarms keep piling up. It's kind of making me feel a little bit stressed out. Please help me, Sarge. Please. Come on, you're, like, the best husband ever. You're, like, the Tiger Woods of being a husband. What he was to golf, not what he was to being a husband.

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's husband game is flawless.

Amy: God, looking at these old files is really bringing back some memories. Sergio's evil voice, his stupid face-
Rosa: His delicious aroma. Man, I hated how good he smelled.
Amy: I know. That jerk smelled like an English garden.
Rosa: He almost made me quit the force, but my God, I could breathe him in for days.

Hitchcock: Oh, I miss that toupee. You know it was a reversible?

Amy: Wait. What about his grandmother? She was the last person he visited before he fled.
Rosa: I don't know. I'm just not sure we'll be able to get some old bag to squeal on her grandson.
Amy: Clearly, you've never seen me with the elderly. They love me. I can talk about coupons for days, son. That's right, you're looking at a senior queen.
Rosa: What is that? That's not a widely used term.

Sergeant Jeffords: Trust me, Jake. You know the right napkin. Is it this one?
Jake: With that crimping? No way. Oh, my God, what did I just do?
Sergeant Jeffords: You listened to your gut!
Jake: Yes! I have a gut! My groom gut!
Sergeant Jeffords: Every groom has one. You just had to find yours.

Jake: Hey, Sarge, look at this! I cleared all my alarms. We're amazing! Should we start a business where we just become professional choosers? We could call it, "Pro-Choice Industries".
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake?
Jake: You're right, that name is needlessly political, but the business idea is solid.

Ezra: So Louise Mindar is right over there, officers.
Amy: Oh, please don't call us that. We're undercover.
Rosa: Yeah, we're pretending we like old people and don't think they're gross.

Amy: Some of us aren't pretending. I think the elderly are treasured to society.
Ezra: Actually, from experience, she is more right.
Amy: You definitely shouldn't be working here, but thank you for your help.

Amy: All right, Rosa, time for some senior seduction.

Jake: Okay, I can do this. Uh, this one's too big. This is too scratchy. This one is shedding. This one's too rustic. Am I using that term right?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, you're doing it! It is too rustic!
Jake: This one. Classy, but very absorbent. Simple, and it won't clash with our color scheme. It's perfect! We'll take it!
Sergeant Jeffords: Groom gut!
Jake: Groom gut!

Amy: Hello, Mrs. Mindar. We're from Sunset for Seniors, and we're here to brighten your day.
Louise Mindar: Where's my regular girl?
Amy: Oh, she's sick. Appendicitis.
Eunice: Oh, Frank's niece just had that. Hi, I'm Eunice.
Amy: Hi, Eunice. We're talking to Louise. So, I have a really fun activity for today. We are going to-
Eunice: You know what? I was wrong. Frank's niece had a botched uterus.
Rosa: Thank you for that visual, Eunice.

Hitchcock: I am so sick of this city. I go into a coffee shop, and as soon as everybody sees that I'm a cop, they stop talking and they avoid eye contact with me. One lady even walked out. I am just so tired of being treated like the enemy.
Jake: Hey, Hitchcock? Your penis is hanging out.
Hitchcock: Oh. Well, that's a relief.

Amy: I thought we could do an oral history project on your family. Wouldn't that be a hoot?
Louise Mindar: Oh, I guess so. Well, I was born during the Depression, and I had to sleep in a dresser drawer till I was three.
Rosa: Yeah, this is more of a recent history. Like, in the last week or so, have you had any visits from family?
Louise Mindar: I don't have any relatives, except for my grandson, who I haven't seen in seven years. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Rosa: Yeah, we all have family problems. The question is, are you going to see him soon?
Louise Mindar: How do I know? He never calls me.
Eunice: My turn. I was born in the Depression too, but we were extremely rich. We had a chambermaid.
Rosa: Not now, Eunice.

Jake: Hey, hey, Sarge. Large and in charge like El DeBarge

Jake: Quick "quesht": how would you like to spend your day off with me, doing an endless list of wedding tasks? I can see from your eyes, you're excited.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, being a good husband is about caring enough to try.
This whole day, you've been doing everything possible to make sure Amy was happy.
You keep doing that, you gonna be okay, even if you make some mistakes.

Jake: This was a test. These tasks were a way for me to prove I was gonna be a good husband, and I failed!
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, being a good husband doesn't mean you have to pass some test or do everything right. Do you have any idea how often I mess things up?
Jake: So you're a bad husband too?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Definitely not. You're cutting in too soon before the point.

Sergeant Jeffords: No way. Sharon and the girls are going on a playdate all day and I'm going to see a movie for grown-ups. No talking animals and tons of cuss words.
Jake: I know cuss words. Come with me and I'll cuss at you all day long, you big piece of crap.

Amy: Hello?
Eunice: Hello, this is Eunice, the lady from the home with the chambermaid.
Amy: Yes.
Eunice: I mentioned Frank's niece's botched uterus.
Amy: We know who you are, Eunice. What can I help you with?
Eunice: You said to call you - if I saw anything peculiar.
Amy: Mm-hmm?
Eunice: There's a very strange man in Louise's room, digging around while she's away. Isn't that peculiar?
Amy: Can I put you on hold?
Eunice: Is there music? I love the mu-
Amy: I bet that's Sergio. I bet he set up this whole Louise thing as a distraction to get us out of the nursing home because that's where he stashed his cash before he went to Paraguay. Damn it, I wish there was some way to know if that peculiar man was Sergio.
Rosa: Eunice, what did the man smell like?
Eunice: Like an English garden.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, I'm in but you owe me.
Jake: Yes! Anything you want. Now, let's roll out, you friggin' dick!
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, you don't have to cuss at me, man.
Jake: No, it's too late. It's already locked in.

Rosa: Ugh! Damn it, he still smells great.

Rosa: He's gone.
Amy: Look at the vent. We were right. He came back for the cash.
Eunice: Hi, it's Eunice, the lady with the chambermaid.
Amy: Yes, Eunice, we know who you are.

Sergeant Jeffords: We're running out of time, man. You gotta make a call.
Jake: But what if I choose wrong? That's a terrible way to start off a marriage.
People won't even watch our first dance. They're gonna be too busy laughing at the napkins. Okay maybe I can narrow it down. Uh, I think I don't like desert whimsy.
Sergeant Jeffords: ... Okay.
Jake: Why did you pause like that before you said "okay"? Was that secretly your favorite one?

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, you know Amy better than anyone. You just have to trust your gut.What is your gut telling you?
Jake: That I'm a terrible napkin chooser and will therefore be a horrible spouse.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is not your gut. That is your crazy, nonsense brain.