Amy: Okay, I've got something.
Jake: Oh. That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
Amy: I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama Printing this for later.
Jake: Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Amy: Oh, that's exactly where it's going.

Rosa: Hey. So you know how Alicia and I broke up because she moved to London, then we tried to make it work, but the distance was too much and we broke up again?
Charles: No. The last thing you told me about yourself was that you were bi.

Brenda from Yonkers: Hi. Quick shout-out to the nurses at United Pediatric. This money'll do those kids a lot of good.
Captain Holt: Cry me a river. Brenda from Yonkers. We've all had budget cuts. Just take your guess.

Scully: Hey, guys, they're about to play the new mystery sound.
Captain Holt: I can tell Kevin tomorrow.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'll bet Sharon's already asleep.
Hitchcock: And I've got no one in my life.
Captain Holt: Scully, play that damn noise.

Charles: Rosa, stop. There is one more method. Ancient Boyles believed that suspending yourself by your feet forces your blood to the decision center of your brain. We call this method the "Upside-Down Coward."
Rosa: You want me to hang from the ceiling like a bat?
Charles: The bat is nature's most decisive animal.
Rosa: The creature that flails around frantically?
Charles: Those are all micro-decisions. Now, let's get you strapped up.

Captain Holt: Well, this is a total waste of time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sure, but you can still have fun, even if you're wasting time.
Captain Holt: That's absurd. Productivity is what makes things fun. That's why humans go to work.
Sergeant Jeffords: It is?

Rosa: Ugh. I took too long getting back to Quinoa and they got mad and ended it.
Charles: And that's how it's done.
Rosa: What are you talking about?
Charles: The process worked. Boyles don't make decisions. We delay our decisions until the universe makes them for us. That way, we never make a wrong choice.
Rosa: That is very sad, but also, I guess it worked.

Rosa: I do feel pretty good. Couscous is dope. She's funny.
Charles: Couscous is a she! I knew it!
Rosa: Did you?
Charles: No, and I still don't know. There's equal chance you called them "she" to throw me off.
Rosa: You get me, Boyle.

Captain Holt: Why is everyone gathered around the radio? Ooh, are they testing the emergency broadcasting system?

Rosa: Anyway, they're both annoyed, and now I have to choose one of them, and I cannot make up my mind. It's insane. I never have trouble making decisions.
[cut to Rosa reading "Sophie's Choice:]
Rosa: Ugh. Choose the daughter.

Rosa: Well, it's early stages, but they both tagged me in a bunch of photos online, and they found out about each other.
Charles: Yikes.
Rosa: Yeah, I know. I shouldn't 'gram so much, but my brunch friends say it's the only way to promote my handmade jewelry line.
Charles: Brunch? What? Homemade who-
Rosa: Charles, focus.

Jake: After that, there was little color left in the world for young Jake. My earring, less gold, my JNCO jeans less purple.
Amy: Are you sure you were becoming cool?
Jake: Yeah. Why?

Sergeant Jeffords: We're getting close. We just need to keep testing more things.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's a good idea. Have you tried a piece of paper? Is that your crinkle? Ooh, maybe oh. Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, sir. I think you've made your point.
Captain Holt: My point? Oh, I'm just trying to have fun by wasting time. Oh, maybe it's this crinkly-crunkly yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry heard a crinkle.
Captain Holt: Holt heard a crinkle, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: So suddenly, it's not a waste of time?
Captain Holt: Not a waste of time if we win! What are you waiting for, Jeffords? Call the Horndog!

Scully: Pretty sure it's a guy eating a sandwich. I'll prove it to you.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not buying you any more sandwiches, Scully.
Scully: I'm doing this for us!
Hitchcock: Guys, we can't fight. That's what the Horndog wants.

Amy: Jake, this isn't so bad. History is full of great tattlers. Martin Luther King tattled on racists.
Jake: That's a pretty undercutting way of describing his accomplishments.
Amy: I was trying to help. It felt bad.

Gina: So then I said to Steve, "What if we drop the '-lications,' just call them 'apps'?"
Laura: That's incredible. Do you miss him?
Gina: Oh, every day, Laura. Every day.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry for dragging you into that dumb game. You were right. It was a waste of time.
Captain Holt: No, it wasn't. Even though it was pointless, I did enjoy myself. I can't wait to go home and tell Kevin you can have fun without being productive.

Captain Holt: So did you hear? Someone guessed the sound. It was a bag of chips.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow. So the lesson here is to listen to Hitchcock and Scully more?
Scully: No, that can't be possible.
Hitchcock: Yeah, I don't think we earned that today.

Quentin Chase: What you been working on?
Gina: Currently, I have been working on an app called Toddler. It's like Tinder, but for toddlers. Tinder for toddlers.
Quentin Chase: I like it. How are you gonna spell that? How many D's?
Gina: Five.

Gina: Q. Get off the phone. Now, I'm not sure how serious you were about funding, but I should tell you there's 103 other bidders.
Quentin Chase: Oof, I am not a fan of getting into bidding wars.
Gina: Then don't make an offer, 'cause I want babies on my app, but not in my boardroom. Oh, damn, Gina.
Quentin Chase: Did you just "oh, damn" yourself?
Gina: Someone had to.

Charles: Okay, this is the Boyle decision-making manual. One of these sections will help you with choosing your partner. Here we go. What do you prefer, eyes or butt, brains or body?
Rosa: Brains.
Charles: Uh Sorry, no, that's for deciding lunch.
Rosa: Horrifying.

Charles: Oh, I found the romance section. Now, first, I will need the names of the two people you're choosing between.
Rosa: I will not be telling you any information about them.
Charles: No problem. We can work with that. I will just call them by their initials.
Rosa: No.
Charles: I will call them "Couscous" and "Quinoa."
Rosa: Whatever.
Charles: Okay, now, for this to work right, you need to answer these questions without thinking. Who makes you laugh more?
Rosa: Quinoa.
Charles: Who has softer lips?
Rosa: Couscous.
Charles: A new Cirque du Soleil's in town. You have the two best seats in the house. Who are you bringing?
Rosa: Is this a reward or a punishment?
Charles: You decide.
Rosa: Quinoa.
Charles: Great. Next question: You die and become a ghost. The rules of the afterlife are that of the movie "Casper." Whose house would you rather haunt?
Rosa: How many more of these questions are there?
Charles: 309.

Captain Holt: Damn you, Horndog.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm one caller away. I can't believe we figured it out.
Captain Holt: And I can't believe it took you this long. Yogurt is literally your one thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Okay.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm just saying. If the sound were eating damp rice, I would've gotten it immediately.

Amy: Guys! Vice principal caught me in the library. Let's roll!

Charles: But Jake, how can you be excited to return to your high school, the scene of Tattlegate?
Amy: What's Tattlegate? Why haven't I heard anything about it?
Charles: It was junior year and Jake was riding high-
Jake: Charles, no one wants to hear this story ... from you. It was junior year, and Jake was riding high. Sophomore year was rough, but now I was back with a hot new look: an earring and long hair.
Gina: Which was my look, and he just copied it.

Jake: He asked me to ditch class one day with him and his buddies, steal a school van, and go get drunk at his parents' cabin, but the day before we were supposed to go, someone ratted Brandon out, and he got suspended. He thought I was the one who told, and from that day forward, everyone called me "The Tattler."
Amy: Tattler. It's a sexy nickname.

Gina: After my initial design, they said it couldn't be done. They said it was too tall, too flashy building codes, bureaucracy. Cut to the Freedom Tower as you see it today.

Jake: It was not a sexy nickname! It was a scarlet letter, and it ruined my senior year ... but luckily, I'm over all that now.
Charles: Not me. I'm gonna go to this reunion tonight and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.
Jake: Horrifying, but that won't be necessary, Charles, for my awesome life will do the butthole-kicking this eve.

Gina: Where's Amy?
Jake: She is in the library, writing a book report on "Jane Eyre," and she told me "not to wait up."
Gina: Oy.
Jake: Yeah.

Rosa: Well, a lot has happened since then. Anyway, I'm dating two other people.
Charles: So much juice at one time. I'm drowning.
Rosa: Oh, gross. Charles, this is why I don't tell you anything.

Gina: So I think I figured out an awesome and dramatic way to reveal that I was the Tattler. It'll be a dance. There'll be costumes.
Jake: Gina, it's fine. I don't care anymore. It's all in the past.
Gina: Oh, thank God. That is such a relief, 'cause I didn't want people thinking I was a tattler.

Mikey Joseph: Anyway, how are you, Gina? What have you been up to?
Gina: Nothing crazy. Yeah, just writing those "Thor" movies.
Mikey Josephy: Seriously? Oh, my God. Tell me everything.
Gina: Legally, I can't get into it too much, but just know that the next one will have a lot more full frontal.
Mikey Joseph: Well, if you need some ska for your soundtrack-
Gina: Oh! This is them. This is Marvel. They probably want to talk about "Thor 4: More Thor." I gotta take this.

Jake: So, Danny, true or false? You were on the football team.
Danny Matthews: True?
Jake: And true or false: you had third period with Brandon Bliss.
Danny Matthews: Mm, I honestly don't remember-
Jake: It was true! We checked the records, and I have one more question.
Amy: Ooh, Jake, can you get me that oxygen on the floor? Little red guy.
Jake: What?
Amy: Sorry. You know what? Yeah, I'll get it.

Jake: Gina I think your talents might be wasted at the Nine-Nine. I love you, but it might be time for you to move on.
Gina: Um, are you firing me?
Jake: What? No. I don't think I could even do that.
Gina: Good, because I quit. You know, tonight I realized that my talents are being wasted at the Nine-Nine.
Jake: Okay, that's kind of exactly what I just said.
Gina: Jake, let me finish. This is serious. It's time for me to move on. For real, though, it is.

Charles: Okay, I have tabulated your responses, and the results are definitive.
Rosa: Amazing.
Charles: It's a dead tie.

Gina: I can't raise my kid and create an app and work at the Nine-Nine. It's too much.
Jake: Well, then prepare for me to murder your parents right in front of your face.
Gina: Rude.
Jake: No. It's Batman's origin story, like the radioactive spider thing you did with me.
Gina: I don't read comic books.

Amy: Mr. Peralta, I believe you know Danny Matthews.
Danny Matthews: Jake. Hey, what's going on, man?
Jake: The answer to that question goes back to a brisk day in 1997, a day you told a lie. But the lying stops right now!
Amy: [gasps] Oh, no! You broke some poor kid's science project! We have to fix it.
Jake: Kind of in the middle of something.
Amy: Oh, you know what? Krebs cycle. I got this.
Jake: Great.

Amy: I know how to solve this. We just have to find out which football player had third period with Brandon Bliss. We need his class schedule.
Jake: Yeah, but where are we gonna find that?
Amy: In the coolest room in the school.

Jake: Amy, I'm ready to go.
Amy: Yep, totally. I'm almost done with this project, but I don't need to finish it, because what matters is that you are going through something, and as your wife, and love of your life-
Jake: Are you vamping so you can finish that?
Amy: I only have two molecules left. Come on, man.

Rosa: Okay. Now open your eyes, and the person you are meant to be with should appear before you.
[Rosa and Charles scream]
Hitchcock: Sorry. I was just watching.
Charles: Get out of here, Hitchcock!

Quentin Chase: Yeah, the speech was great, but I've also been lying the whole night. I'm not a tech mogul. I came here to mess with people.
Gina: How dare you?
Quentin Chase: Speaking of which, did either one of you drive? 'Cause I could use a ride.
Gina: No, Quentin.
Jake: Oh, Quentin.

Gina: Jake, we need to talk.
Amy: Yeah, you guys do need to talk. That sounds excellent. Friendship, so much history I'm just gonna get this out of your way.

Gina: Yeah, I'm the reason you're a cop. I'm your origin story, dude. You can't be mad at me.

Jake: I feel like I'm still pretty mad.
Gina: Peter Parker wasn't mad at his spider.

Jake: Listen. Gina Linetti is not a perfect person.
Gina: Mm, I'm hoping this gets more supportive as it goes along.
Jake: But what she lacks in perfection, she makes up for with an utter and total belief that she is perfect.
Gina: Ooh, you said "but," and then you said something worse.
Jake: She is fiercely loyal. She will do the right thing for you even when you can't see it for yourself, and she's saved my ass countless times.
Gina: And it's been 12. I counted.

Gina: And if it makes you feel any better, that app thing completely blew up in my face. I mean, my night sucked. Okay, I can see from your expression that your night was worse, and I should've left it at "sorry."

Jake: Ugh, this is so unfair. Everyone remembers me as the Tattler, but somehow, no one remembers that Darren "Doo Doo" Donaldson crapped himself during PE. Look at him out there, dancing on the dance floor like he's lived a doo doo-free life.

Rosa: What the hell is the DDC?
Charles: I don't know, but I love it!
Jake: The DDC is the Dope-
Gina: Denim-
Jake: Crew. Our 20-year high school reunion is tonight, and the party is '90s-themed, so we're dressing the way we did back then, AKA hella fresh.

Gina: Can't wait to see everyone we graduated with and lie to them about what I've been up to for my own amusement. It's gonna be Fib City, population: Gina Clooney.

Jake: Wow, this place hasn't changed one bit in 20 years. It's a real indictment of the public school system.

Mikey Joseph: Jake! Tina!
Jake: No way! Mikey J! Amy, this is Mike Joseph, AKA the lead funk bassist from my legendary ska band, Skalvester Skallone.
Mikey Joseph: We had one song. Oh...
All: Stop or my mom will ska, Stop or my mom will ska, Whoa!
Jake: We were so bad. I can't believe we thought we were gonna make it. So what have you been up to, man?
Mikey Joseph: Well, I'm still trying to get the music thing started.
Jake: Oh, cool, cool, cool. Never give up.

Captain Holt: It's a crinkle. I solved it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, but you have to know what object is making the crinkle.
Captain Holt: But that's impossible. It could be anything.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, sir. That's the game.

Rosa: I always know exactly what to do, but for the first time in my life, I am stumped.
Charles: Rosa, you've come to the right man. Boyles are genetically indecisive beings.
Rosa: So I chose the worst possible person to help me?
Charles: No. We've developed a foolproof system to help us make choices. It used to take me so long to decide what to wear that I'd never change my clothes. Now look what I have on.
Rosa: Is this different than what you were wearing yesterday?
Charles: Barely.

Jake: Yes, we all have jobs and work on coffins. I didn't tattle, but whatevs. We don't have to keep talking about it.

Jake: Brandon Bliss was my friend! Why would I tattle on my friend?

Jake: The nickname was inaccurate, is all I'm saying.

Jake: Anyways, as you can tell, I am totally over it.

Jake: I didn't tattle! [crowd silent] So, I think I might not be over it.

Amy: Danny Matthews, I'm with the school. You need to follow me right now.
Danny Matthews: Is everything-
Amy: I said now, mister.

Jake: It's not even the nickname that bothers me. It's that I'm being wrongfully accused. I didn't tattle. I mean, if it was the truth, go ahead and call me the Tattler all day long.
Jason: Hey, Tattler.
Jake: Not cool, Jason!

Amy: You were wrongfully accused. We're cops. Let's just find the real Tattler and prove your innocence.
Jake: Yes! I love it! Why learn to grow when you can fix the past? This is exactly why I don't need therapy.
Amy: Not sure that's the lesson I want you to take away from this.
Jake: Too late! We're gonna prove I wasn't the Tattler. Therapy is a scam. Let's do this.

Captain Holt: Ooh, how goes the crinkle hunt? I see you're not just wasting time.
You're also wasting tin.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was only one piece. [Holt empties the trash can onto the table] Okay, it was a ton of tin.

Laura: You should talk to Quentin Chase. He's a big-time Silicon Valley investor now, and he was just telling me all about it. Quentin, come here. You have got to talk to Gina. She basically invented apps. They were going to be called "lications."
Gina: You really bungled that.

Amy: All right, we should start by talking to Brandon Bliss and find out who told him you were the Tattler.
Jake: Unfortunately, Bliss is not here. Probably in the VIP section at a Fatboy Slim concert.
Amy: Would that be cool for a 37-year-old?
Jake: The funk soul brother is timeless, Ames.

Jake: Attention, squad. Put your hands together for the long-anticipated reunion of-
Gina: The DDC!
Jake: DD-
Gina: C!
Jake: DD-
Gina: C!
Jake: Put a J with a G You get-
Gina: DD-
Both: C!
Jake: Uh, the gas face.

Jake: Good lord! You coulda just picked the lock.
Amy: I know. I'm sorry. I'm just so amped up about Admin.

Amy: Okay, here's Brandon's info. Third period, first semester- Any of these people on the football team? Scott Alford, Taylor Black- Wow, Tom Brady?
Jake: Different Tom Brady. He was in theater. Although he was the MVP of that year's production of "Fiddler."

Amy: Yeah, and look at this. You did so much community service. Me like-y.

Gina: Guys, you know how I thought it would be so much fun to lie to everyone tonight?
Jake: Yeah. Did it finally catch up with you?
Gina: No, the opposite. Someone wants to buy a company I made up on the spot. The elevator pitch had him drooling.
[cut to Gina talking to Quentin Chase]
Gina: As a mother, I'm always struggling to find quality playdates. Most two-year-olds are boring, lame duds.
Quentin Chase: All of my daughter's friends suck.
Gina: Well, with Todddddler's proprietary algorithm, you will be matched with top tots, and those boring duds they'll stay where they belong: the hell away from you and your family.

Gina: I'm not really sure how to close this. Maybe you guys could pretend to be heirs to a canned-goods fortune who want to buy my company!
Jake: Gina, we don't have time for your thing right now.
Gina: Oh, smart. Big-time him. That's the perfect idea. I won't forget you when I'm rich. Thanks so much, Jake and Jake's wife.
Jake: She knows your name.

Jake: It's Danny Matthews! But he'll never talk with all these people around.
Amy: Not a problem. Just be in the science lab in ten minutes. I'll get him alone.
Jake: What are you gonna do?
Amy: Let's just say I'm not above using my feminine wiles.

Jake: I've got a sweet job, and a super-smart, incredible wife. Tonight's gonna be awesome. Right, Gina?
Gina: Damn straight! DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!

Jake: And it worked! I was finally cool, and becoming friends with the most popular kid in school: Brandon Bliss.
Rosa: Dope name; sounds hot.
Jake: He was hot, Rosa.
Gina: For the record, he could barely read.
Jake: He didn't have to read, Gina. He lost his virginity when he was 12 years old.
Gina: Which is horrifying.
Jake: But it wasn't back then! Back then, it was everything.