Jake: The point is, Captain Holt solved the case when no one else could.
Captain Holt: He's actually been stealing from these archives for years. You've been asleep at the wheel, Allister. You're an embarrassment.
Dean Wesley Allister: Really? Well, at least I've never confused St. Augustine with Boethius.
Kevin: Oh, who gives a rat's ass about Boethius, Wesley?
Captain Holt: What are you doing, Kevin?
Kevin: I am creating a kerfuffle.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain Holt: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Captain Holt: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well. [Holt and Kevin shake hands] PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain Holt: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Dean Wesley Allister: And a big round of applause for Janitor Randy for recovering our precious coin.
Jake: Don't applaud for that man.
Dean Wesley Allister: What's going on?
Jake: What's going on is, Captain Holt just solved this case.
Dean Wesley Allister: What's there left to solve? We found the coin in Professor Port's desk. He's the thief.
Captain Holt: Oh, you'd like everyone to believe that, wouldn't you, Dean Allister? Or should I say, General Parmenion?
Kevin: Raymond, are you causing a kerfuffle?
Captain Holt: Yes. Sometimes a moment calls for a kerfuffle.
Kevin: No. No moment calls for a kerfuffle. You know my feelings on this.

Captain Holt: Ah, Dean Allister?
Dean Wesley Allister: Policeman Raymond. Good to see you. [chuckles] Read any interesting magazines lately?
Captain Holt: This again? I was waiting for Kevin, I had finished my book, and I happened to glance at an issue of "The Economist" that someone left lying about.
Dean Wesley Allister: All I remember is you becoming unhinged.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: The only reason I picked it up was to swat a fly. [knocks over a vase] I mean, I'm not crazy. Why are there always flowers here?

Jake: Okay, you know what? Screw this. You are so smart, and we're gonna prove it to those professors. You're gonna work this case, and you're gonna find those coins.
Captain Holt: Well, I suppose it would be nice to show them I'm more than just a hot, dumb piece of ass.

Kevin: The problem wasn't what you said. It was that Dean Allister pointed out your mistake, and you lost your damned mind.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: I misremembered it because I'm reading both simultaneously. One book is too few for me. Where is everyone going? [Holt knocks over a vase]
[present:]
Kevin: It was quite the kerfuffle.

Kevin: Fine. Jake is helping me with a burglary here at the university, and I asked him not to tell you.
Captain Holt: Is this about St. Augustine?
Kevin: Yes.
Jake: What's going on?
Captain Holt: He's embarrassed of me. Last Christmas, the classics department threw a holiday party. I had one drink too many and utterly humiliated myself.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: And that was the point St. Augustine was making in "Consolation of Philosophy."
[present:]
Jake: Yeah, sounds super humiliating, saying something smart.
Captain Holt: Smart? I confused St. Augustine with Boethius. I might as well have stepped on a rake and bonked myself on the forehead.

Jake: Hello, sir. How'd you find us out?
Captain Holt: Mahler's Fourth Symphony. He'd never sit in just any section.
Kevin: I might. I'm flexible.
Captain Holt: Oh, really? You'd sit center left? In timpani alley? I'll purchase those tickets right away. [Holt pauses for a long time with his finger over his cell phone]
Kevin: ... No, don't!

Captain Holt: Dean Allister framed Professor Port to get rid of a rival, just as Alexander got rid of Parmenion.
Dean Wesley Allister: Preposterous. Do you even have a shred of evidence to back up that claim?
Captain Holt: Oh, we've got more than a shred. Look at these photos. Here, a footprint from the scene of the crime left by the thief. And here, another print made yesterday by you. You've been caught, Allister!
Jake: Is it happening?
Captain Holt: Caught by me.
Jake: It is happening.
Captain Holt: Me and my rock hard brain.
Jake: It happened!

Jake: There you are. You okay, sir?
Captain Holt: I'm fine. I have decided to stop fighting it and lean in to the fact that I'm an idiot. Look at me, playing a video game.
Jake: Oh, which one?
Captain Holt: "Times" crossword app.
Jake: Not a video game.
Captain Holt: It plays a little song when you solve it, as if you've just learned to potty. [piano music on phone] Yes, yes, play me my dunce's tune.

Kevin: So will you help me?
Jake: I don't know. I want to, but keeping a secret from Holt? That's a lot of pressure.
Kevin: Hmm. Am I remembering correctly? Don't you eat pressure for breakfast?
Jake: [gasps] Nic Cage in "The Rock." We are best friends. I am so in!

Kevin: Whoomp.
Jake: There it is! Got to say, I could have used a little more oomph on the whoomp.
Kevin: That's the oomphiest whoomp you'll get.

Jake: I'm here! I'm here, I'm here. You can start the meeting now.
Captain Holt: The meeting is over. You're late. You missed roll call and the tutorial on using the new copiers. Six years, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual.
Jake: Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?
Captain Holt: No, I will break you. Right now.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: While you were out being tardy, I was hard at work devising a special punishment. I've crafted an intricate personal high five with everyone in this office except you.
Jake: What? But you hate high fives.
Captain Holt: Yes, every minute of it was hell. But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed. Good-bye, Diaz.
Jake: Salute into a fanny waggle?
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Boyle.
Jake: Oh, the snake charmer!
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Jeffords.
Jake: That's a butt bump.
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Santiago.
Jake: Double fist bump reverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum. [sighs] All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.
Jake: What? No, no, no. The copy guy?

Jake: Wow, so this is your classroom. What's today's lecture about?
Kevin: I know you don't care about that. Just ask me what you want to ask me.
Jake: Can I play with your laser pointer?
Kevin: You know, the laser pointer is a bit of a misnomer. It is simply a laser. The pointer is you.
Jake: That was awesome.
Kevin: Take it for a spin.
Jake: Don't mind if I do.

Kevin: Oh, no, that's Raymond. That's how he opens a door.
Captain Holt: Kevin, are you still in here?
Kevin: Uh, yes, Raymond, I'm in the stall.
Captain Holt: Some tickets were just released for Mahler's Fourth Symphony this weekend.
Kevin: Great. That sounds great. Let's do it.
Captain Holt: Fantastic. Now, which section do you prefer? The first tier, the second tier, the third tier-
Kevin: The first tier.
Captain Holt: Now, which section of the first tier? Right, left, right center, center-
Kevin: Just any section is fine.
Captain Holt: [laughs] Any section, wow. Someone had pepper on their eggs this morning. I'll buy the tickets. [chuckles] Any section.

Amy: Okay, everyone calm down. I will put a request in for a new fridge.
Rosa: Good luck getting that approved. Commissioner Kelly's already slashed our budget within an inch of its life.
Hitchcock: Yeah, the toilet paper's only one ply now.
Scully: My butt hurts all the time.
Hitchcock: The AC is broken.
Scully: My butt hurts all the time.
Hitchcock: Scully's butt hurts all the time.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, guys, we get it.

Captain Holt: Check it out. His footprint. Gotcha.
Jake: [whispers] I am Raymond Holt and my brain is rock hard.
Captain Holt: I'm not going to say that.
Jake: Smart. Saving it for a bigger moment in front of a bunch of people. Can't wait!

Jake: So what's going on? Why'd you want to meet in private?
Kevin: I need your help with a case. Three antique coins were stolen from my classics department at Columbia.
Jake: So why not ask Captain Holt for help on the case? Wait, are you guys getting a divorce? I can handle it. This doesn't bring up any weird issues for me.

Gary Jennings: Isn't this supposed to be an apology?
Amy: Yes. You're right. I'm sorry. I mean, I shot my husband with a real bullet two years ago, and it comes up way less than this.
Rosa: Way less than this.

Dean Wesley Allister: Oh, Raymond. Look around. These shoes I'm wearing with their "unique footprint", we all have them. They were the departmental gift this Christmas. They're actually very funny. They have Achilles printed on the heel.
Jake: I don't know if I would call that "very" funny.

Jake: These college kids. I used to wear long-sleeve T-shirts under my short-sleeve T-shirts. Wait a minute, I still could.

Captain Holt: Parmenion was a close advisor to Alexander the Great. Alexander suspected that Parmenion was trying to supplant him, so he executed him.
Jake: He was getting rid of his rival. Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain Holt: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain Holt: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

Captain Holt: Allister planted the coin in Professor Port's desk. They're rivals.
Jake: Mm.
Captain Holt: Did you see the book Allister was holding back there? A biography of Macedonian general Parmenion. He was taunting us.
Jake: Again, I'm the Hitchcock here. You're gonna have to connect the dots for me.

Dean Wesley Allister: I'm surprised you didn't know about them. Kevin must have gotten a pair. Oh, I remember what happened. You had to leave the Christmas party before they were handed out. Why was that again? Oh, yes. The kerfuffle.
Jake: But what about the autobiography of Persimminons you were taunting us with?
Dean Wesley Allister: I suppose I can see how holding any book would seem like a taunt to you.
Jake: I own a book.
Dean Wesley Allister: But I don't think Raymond is remembering the story correctly. Alexander didn't see Parmenion as a rival. He killed him over a dispute about his son.
Jake: Oh, no, it's Boethius all over again.
Dean Wesley Allister: At least you got one thing right. You do have a rock hard brain. Because that's bad. Everyone knows that a brain should be soft and wet.
Captain Holt: I wanted to say that, but Jake told me not to.
Jake: Yeah, because it's gross.

Captain Holt: No, no, save your schemes. I know exactly how to get back at the dean. By arresting him.
Jake: For what? It seems pretty obvious that Port did it.
Captain Holt: No, no, that makes no sense. Why would someone steal something valuable and then leave it in their desk?
Jake: I feel like this is a veiled shot at me for leaving the crown in my desk during the third Halloween Heist.
Captain Holt: It is.
Jake: Oh.

Jake: I know Dean Allister humiliated us, but we can still have our revenge. I watched a ton of horny '80s comedies when I was a kid, and they're filled with ways of getting back at mean deans. So we are gonna throw the wildest party this campus has ever seen.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: Okay, then we'll have a bikini car wash.

Captain Holt: Maybe the thief stood on something, like one of these drawers. Turn off the light. Maybe something will show up under UV. [Jake turns off the light, Holt shines a UV light] Bingpot!
Jake: A footprint. You did it, you brilliant bimbo.

Jake: Okay, well, let's not give up all hope just yet. We do know some things. For example, the perp entered using a key, which means they probably work here.
And they knew enough to skip past all these expensive-looking artifacts. They walked straight up to this shelf and grabbed the coin case from up there.
Captain Holt: It's too high. You can't reach it.
Jake: Exactly. So now we know that the thief was taller than me. That's a good lead. Also, we know they were a little bit of a freak, since I am above average height according to the 1940 census.
Captain Holt: I didn't realize you had a thing about your height.
Jake: I don't! Because I'm above average. Why would I have a thing about my height when I'm above average? It doesn't make any sense. [snorting laugh] Anyways, we're looking for an insanely tall perp, a real Shaq type.

Jake: Okay, so those guys look down on you. So what? I mean, Amy's parents look down on me. They talk about me right in front of my face in Spanish because they don't think I'm smart enough to learn another language, but I've been taking classes, and now I can understand all the hurtful things they've been saying.
Captain Holt: And how did that help?
Jake: Well, now I know they think I'm short and I was able to do some research and find that 1940s census that proves I'm above average in height.
Captain Holt: For 1940.
Jake: Yeah, I'm taller than the greatest generation. It doesn't matter.

Kevin: No, it's nothing like that. Raymond's a brilliant detective. It's just when a case involves me, he can get a little overemotional. You remember the safe house.
Jake: Oh, yeah, he went crazy.
Kevin: But I also remember you and me becoming best friends and watching every Nic Cage movie ever made. Can you still quote them all?
Kevin: No, I purged myself of that nonsense.
Jake: Oh, I bet it's still in there.
Kevin: It's not.
Jake: We'll see.
Kevin: We won't.
Jake: There's a chance it's in there.
Kevin: Chance of zero.
Jake: I'd put money that maybe it's there.
Kevin: You're losing your money.
Jake: Okay.

Amy: Well, that doesn't sound better than crepes.
Scully: It is. Terry wins. We know. We were at both lunches.
Rosa: How? They were simultaneous and two miles apart.
Scully: It was free food. Life finds a way.

Dean Wesley Allister: So is policeman Raymond joining the case?
Jake: Actually, he's leading it. Captain Holt is the finest investigator I've ever worked with. Sir, tell him our plan of action.
Captain Holt: ... ... ... Clues.
Jake: Okay, you're freezing up. I'm just gonna take the wheel for now. There were no signs of forced entry, the only people with access to the archives were the professors in the department, and they all have alibis, which means-
Captain Holt: I don't know what you want me to say.
Jake: Okay, that's my fault for throwing it to you again. Which means we need to examine the crime scene. It is there that we will find what Captain Holt has so eloquently described as-
Dean Wesley Allister: Clues?
Jake: Sir, you just said it.

Captain Holt: The problem is, is that I get flustered and defensive because I know how they all see me: as Kevin's working-class bimbo.
Jake: I can't imagine that's what they think.
Kevin: It is.
Jake: Really?

Jake: Good afternoon, class. Allow me to make my first point.
Kevin: Very impressive.
Jake: Thank you very much, Kevin. But I do have five additional points to make. Chair, chair, wall, chair, Captain Holt. Captain Holt? No.

Charles: It's just that lunch is the one part of the day Commissioner Kelly hadn't ruined. People are pissed. Morale's really taken a hit.
Amy: Okay, I got this. Hey, squad. Lunch is on me today. Taking everyone out for pizza. [people cheer] And that's how you improve morale.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. You're not the only sergeant around here. Let me help.
This side of the room, lunch is on me, and we're getting something better than pizza. Sushi! [people cheer]
Amy: Are you trying to outdo me?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, no. Just trying to raise morale.
Amy: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Morale, morale, morale. Okay.

Jake: Sir, wait. Oh! Wasn't expecting to catch up to you so fast. I don't know what to say now. I thought I was gonna have more running time to formulate it. Oh, I know! I'm sorry that we kept the case a secret from you.
Captain Holt: Oh, I understand why you did. The truth is, ever since I met Kevin, I've felt insecure in his world. I can't compete with these highly educated academics. I worry every day that I'll make one St. Augustine slip too many, and he'll realize I'm beneath him.
Jake: This is insane. You're the smartest person I know.
Captain Holt: I'll explain it to you. Among Kevin's peers, I'm a Jake.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no. I refuse to live in a world where you're the Jake, because if you're the Jake, what does that make me? The Charles?
Captain Holt: The Hitchcock.
Jake: The Hitchcock? Oh, my God. You dropped down so many more levels than I was expecting.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, lunchtime starts in ten minutes. Whichever team wins gets recorded on the Whiteboard of Victory.
Amy: The winner will be decided by our judges, Hitchcock and Scully.
Scully: Oh, my God, are we high status, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: I think so.
Scully: What a world.

Charles: Guys, horrible news. The fridge broke this morning. Everything's warm.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't seem like that big a deal.
Charles: Your yogurt's spoiled.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who did this?

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys!
Amy: Right. What we're trying to say is that we lost sight of what this was all really about: building morale.
Rosa: So we bought two-ply toilet paper for the whole squad.
Scully: I call shotgun!
Hitchcock: Shotgun!

Caleb: Oh, hey, guys, what's up? You want to join our a cappella jam circle?
Jake: Oh, no.
Caleb: Are you guys Harry Potter fans?
Jake: I do not like where this is going.
Caleb: Three, four.
Singer: Won't you come visit Hogwarts? I'll be alone, dancing in Gryffindor Harry is the best at the spells And as for potions, Hermione does well-
Jake: This is actually pretty funny. You got to know Harry Potter.

Amy: Hey, everyone, we would like to say we're sorry for letting this competition get the best of us, and to make it up to you, we figured out what to do for lunch.
Gary Jennings: Please, whatever your new idea is, I just don't want to get shot again.
Amy: Ugh, Gary, it was a paintball. Suck it up.

Jake: The point is, you can use this. There are benefits to being underestimated.
Captain Holt: My goodness. You're right. There are benefits to being underestimated. You can get away with anything.
Jake: Sir? Are you going to kill the dean?
Captain Holt: No. What if the thief was someone we dismissed because they didn't have a classics background? Someone who wasn't a professor?
Jake: But what about the footprints? The shoes were only given to faculty.
Captain Holt: There was one pair that was unaccounted for, Kevin's. They were left at the party to be cleaned up.
Jake: By Janitor Randy! My story solved it. I'm tall.

Sergeant Jeffords: Also, I sold the teppanyaki grill and used the money to turn the briefing room into the lunch zone.
Officer Heather: Oh, no. What's the lunch zone? Is it someplace we have to put on a harness and not eat lunch?
Sergeant Jeffords: There are no harnesses. There are phone chargers and noise-canceling headphones.
Amy: So you can eat your lunch and stare at your phone and you won't have to see or hear anyone you work with.
Officer Heather: It's perfect. It's it's absolutely perfect.
Amy: We're so glad you like it.
Gary Jennings: And just to be sure, I'm not gonna get shot.
Amy: Oh, my God, Gary. Yes! You won't get shot!

Amy: Tell 'em how good it was, Rosa. Tell 'em how high our morale is.
Rosa: High.
Amy: Oh, stop gushing, girl.

Janitor Randy: Yeah, I stole those coins. Can't believe you bought that whole story.
Jake: They underestimated you, Randy, just as they underestimated Raymond Holt.
Janitor Randy: Well, you guys haven't been that great to me either.
Jake: Well, you got to teach people how you want to be treated, Randy. Dr. Phil, RIP.

Sergeant Jeffords: I think it's so interesting you guys didn't stick to your original plan, because neither did we.
Amy: What? Why?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, you don't think we knew you were gonna snazz? [scoffs] We saw your snazz coming a mile away. That's why I took my team out for some big, juicy steaks, and
All: Mashed potatoes And some spinach and some key lime pie.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, Heather.

Amy: Okay, squad, hope you ate lunch already, because it's lunchtime!
Sergeant Jeffords: What's with the getups?
Amy: Oh, nothing much. We just turned the parking garage into an elaborate paintball arena. It's zombie-themed. We hired 60 actors.
Sergeant Jeffords: That sounds pretty expensive.
Rosa: Nah, New York actors are desperate. For ten bucks, you can shoot 'em right in the face.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you hiding from us?
Gary Jennings: This lunch competition has gotten out of hand. No one is having fun. I keep having panic dreams about Sergeant Santiago shooting down my lunch ideas.
Amy: Historic walking tours don't win lunch, Gary.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, that's amazing. I don't know how anybody could ever beat that except maybe an in-office teppanyaki grill.
Charles: Moshi moshi, losers!
Sergeant Jeffords: We got shrimp. We got lobster. Heather, I know you're allergic to shellfish. You're just gonna have to not eat.

Amy: Okay, but you can't win because it wasn't a competition. So let's make it a competition.
Sergeant Jeffords: Same groups tomorrow?
Amy: Okay, but let's agree at the end of this that we'll still be friends.
Sergeant Jeffords: No deal.
Amy: Good! 'Cause I didn't mean it anyway.

Charles: So what are you guys planning for today?
Amy: Oh, nothing much. We're just gonna keep it "caszh."
Sergeant Jeffords: Us too. Super "caszh." Super duper "caszh."
Gary Jennings: We all know you're both planning something insanely complicated and annoying.
Amy: [laughs] Your teammates are turning against you, Terry.
Gary Jennings: I'm on your team.
Amy: Who cares? We're gonna win. Team Lunch-a-Bunch forever.

Amy: Wait, why does Terry's team have four wins? He only won steaks, bowling, and the mobile escape room.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're forgetting about our breakfast at the Empire State Building.
Officer Heather: It was so cold up there.
Gary Jennings: It sounds a lot better than our indoor skydiving lunch.
Speaking of which, are we gonna get reimbursed for that?
Rosa: How dare you complain about the Funtastic FlyZone. That was funtastic fun for everyone.

Kevin: Obviously I know that they're wrong, but they put you in your own head, and you're not yourself around them. I'm sorry, I was just trying to protect you.
Captain Holt: Yes, of course, thank you for saving me from myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go sit by the pool and read some fiction like the bimbo that I am.
Jake: There's a pool here?

Jake: Yes! That's the spirit. Now get that hot ass moving, 'cause we've got a crime to solve.
Captain Holt: Peralta, please, have some decorum.
Jake: What? I was just using your words. Look, you teach people the way you want to be treated. That's what Dr. Phil says.

Dean Wesley Allister: Great police work. Perhaps you might want to hire Randy, or Randy, you could hire them. It seems like you all have basically the same skill set.
Janitor Randy: [chuckles] We're actually all staffed up in maintenance.
Jake: We don't want your job, Randy.

Charles: Ah, well, good luck. I'm sure you know all the best places to eat since you've reached Elite status on Yelp. Oh, wait, that was me.
Rosa: Oh, because Yelp reviewers are sane people with great taste?
Charles: Oh, sorry, couldn't hear you over GourmetGlen12 saying that my review of the duck skin at the Hearth and Feather was helpful.

Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, Team Jeffords. It's chow time.
Amy: We have a cool thing to say too. Team Santiago, let's lunch-a-bunch!
Rosa: No, I don't say that.
Amy: Come on, Rosa, please?
Rosa: [mumbling] Let's lunch-a-bunch.
Amy: Aha, Rosa said it! Did you hear that? Did you hear it?

Jake: Okay, so there were no witnesses, no cameras, and no prints.
Captain Holt: In other words, we have nothing. That's what you get when you put a bimbo on the case.

Sergeant Jeffords: Cupcakes up, everyone. Heather, you already ate yours? The point is to eat it in their faces. [horn honks]
Amy: Honk, honk, bitches.
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell?
Rosa: We rented a party limo, drove to Coney Island for hot dogs, and then did karaoke the entire time. I sang "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy. Crushed it.
Sergeant Jeffords: But that's not even about lunch! It's-
Amy: An experience.
Hitchcock: Team Amy wins.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? How did you get there? You were just with us. Scully was with them.
Hitchcock: Free food.
Scully: Great cupcake, Sarge. But Amy still wins.
Amy: Eat snazz, losers!

Amy: Yes, that was a delicious lunch, Gary! And I agree, our group does seem happier than it was before.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, the pizza was that good?
Amy: Pizza? Right, that's what I said we were getting before we decided to uh-snazz it up.
Charles: Oh, you guys snazzed?
Amy: Yeah, we snazzed all the way to La Petite Creperie.
Hitchcock: I thought we couldn't say "snazz." Oh, no, I was thinking of [bleep]. We can't say [bleep]. Carry on.