Jake: Captain. How'd you know we were here?
Captain Holt: I followed you. John Kelly gave you a "Hot Clue," didn't he? How dare you disobey me.
Jake: Come on, sir, it was a good tip and we're trying to catch a serial killer.
Captain Holt: Well then let's see this tip, this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open.
Jake: Okay, I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt.
Captain Holt: Naw, bitch. I'm not being petty.
Jake: You just said, "naw, bitch."

Jake: Look. We can still stop John Kelly. All we need is some hard evidence.
Captain Holt: How? He won't let us anywhere near him or One Police Plaza.
Jake: I know, which is why I've assembled a team of powerful allies in the NYPD.
Captain Holt: No, that's too risky. How do you know they're not loyal to John Kelly?
Jake: Because these people aren't loyal to anybody. I made a suicide squad!

Jake: Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Holt: Good morning. You guys the podium, it's... Ha. [chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

Caleb: You know what? There was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: The forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it. Wink. Yeah, it's hosted on-
All: Reddit.

Charles: Um, we have a solid lead. Suspicious online behavior from someone using the name Jamburger77.
Jake: There's only one person in the tri-state area with that surname, Eileen Jamburger. 101 years old, and immediately racist on the phone. She is not a suspect at this time.

Captain Holt: Show me the tip.
Jake: [whispers] Title of your sex tape.

Jake: Sir, I swear, give us a chance. We can get this guy.
Captain Holt: Fine. Case goes to the Spice Boys.
Jake: Please don't call us that.
Charles: Too late. Spice Boy train has left the station. Toot toot!

Rosa: So that's it, then.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yup. Next week is my last week at the Nine-Nine.
Brian Floomryde: Attention, everyone. I will be giving up singing. This will be my final performance. [loud and off-key] One pound two ounces-
Amy: Not now, Brian!

Captain Holt: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Captain Holt: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Captain Holt: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

Charles: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake: Nope.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake: Why?

Jake: Now, our murderer may have gotten away, but we did find his kill room.
Maybe there's something in here that we're not seeing, yet.
Captain Holt: Perhaps we should pay your cannibal friend another visit.
Charles: I wouldn't say they're friends so much as ex-cellmates.
Jake: No, it's true. We're friends.
Charles: He ate kids!
Jake: Well, people are complicated.

Caleb: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain Holt: Why do you say that?
Caleb: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.
Charles: Who are you?

Rosa: We could stop paying for an exterminator. It's pointless. We all have guns.

Captain Holt: Fine, Kelly found the murderer's kill room. Whoop-Dee-doo! Should we throw him a parade?
Jake: Yeah. Maybe.

Rosa: You know, some people say, "Mo money, mo problems," but those people are idiots. Money's amazing.

Jake: Look, we can handle this, sir. Do we joke around sometimes? Yes, but when it's time to buckle down, we're seasoned professionals.
Charles: That's why they call us the Spice Boys.
Jake: They don't and they won't.

Captain Holt: Our killer cut the victims open and ripped out their hearts. Now, before I assign this case-
Jake: Five dollars.
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: I'm bidding for it. I want this so badly.
Captain Holt: That's not how we-
Rosa: $20. Just to make this interesting.
Charles: $100 for Jake to have it.
Captain Holt: I was going to assign the case to you and Peralta but perhaps I should give it to Diaz instead.
Charles: $200.
Captain Holt: It's not about the money, Boyle.

John Kelly: So Rinaldi had his trigger-man stealing hearts so he could have a transplant. That is fun. Good job, Ray.
Captain Holt: Thank you, Commissioner Kelly. We couldn't have done it without your...
Jake: Sir, you're doing the trailing off thing again.
Captain Holt: Help.

John Kelly: Yes, I do, and the three of you are not going to say a word about it because the 18 felons we captured through the system, they'd go free.
Captain Holt: That's unfortunate, but it's better than living in a police state. I'm not sitting on this.
John Kelly: Okay. But I can assure you, you can't prove this program exists. It's just your word against mine.
Captain Holt: I'm more than fine with that.
John Kelly: You shouldn't be. Because I can prove you'd do anything to sabotage me. My stingray captured your texts, too.
Jake: No, he has the "Durrells in Corfu" GIF.

Jake: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain Holt: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.

Jake: So, the tipster saw the Saturn parked out back and the woman at the desk said it belongs to the man in room 203. One "Larry Bird."
Charles: Obvious fake name.
Jake: Or is it so insane that there's no way it's fake? If you're trying not to draw attention, why not go with something like "John Smith?"
Charles: From "Pocahontas"? Uh, yeah. Way to fly under the radar. [laughs]

Charles: But the user did make one non-cannibal post. A negative review of the headroom in a 2006 Saturn Ion.
Jake: Real creep car. So, we pulled records on every 2006 Ion in the city and we're following up on them now.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I don't know. That feels underhanded.
Rosa: It's never underhanded to help somebody follow their dream. Yesterday, I was watching "Ellen," and she had this woman on who wanted to be a chef, but she didn't have any taste buds, so she quit her job, hired her best friend to be her taste tester. And now they have the best taco truck in Lansing. It was inspiration as [bleep].

Jake: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain Holt: Dry beans?
Jake: Sure.

Rosa: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy: What? He'll be so angry.
Jake: Okay, five inches.
Amy: Five?
Jake: Three?
Amy: Three?
Jake: One?
Amy: One?
Jake: All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy: Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake: Oh, my god.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants I mean easy access to New Jersey.
Amy: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two.
How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

Jake: Guys. I have a great idea for a prank. Before Holt comes in, I'm gonna put ink on the podium where he puts his hands.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't think he'll fall for that.
Hitchcock: I did.
Jake: How? I haven't even opened this yet.
Hitchcock: I guess it's unrelated.

Captain Holt: So, there's been a series of homicides. Three victims, all young men, each murdered in their own fashion.
Jake: A serial killer? How'd they do it? Strangled? Mangled? Hung, i.e. dangled?
Captain Holt: Their bodies were disfigured.
Jake: I.e. "mangled." Continue.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Now, I know what you're thinking. [dumb voice] Where'd dem guts go?
Jake: Uh, yeah. This guy needs a dentist, because he's got a big ol' cavity.
Dr. Oliver Cox: [laughs] I love that. I'm stealing it.
Jake: You cannot steal what is a gift.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Oof. Now that guy's gonna need some sex tape.
Jake & Dr. Oliver Cox: [in unison] 'Cause someone's gonna cut his penis off. We are vibing!

Charles: Wait, the group text thread is back?
Jake: No.
Captain Holt: We misspoke.
Jake: Yeah.

Caleb: Oh, you might want to switch to incognito mode. Otherwise your targeted ads will be pretty cannibal-specific.
Jake: Ah, good to know.

Charles: Well, I'm Charles. I'm Jake's best friend.
Jake: Charles, he's serving three life sentences. No need to flex.

Captain Holt: Commissioner Kelly is breathing down my neck. I need this case handled professionally and maturely.
Jake: Name one time I haven't acted professionally.
Captain Holt: You're holding a juice box.
Jake: It stops me from spilling my juice.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, hey, check it out. It's my lieutenant start paperwork.
Rosa: It's gonna be so weird not calling you Sarge anymore.
Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe I'll go by Loot. "Morning, Loot." "Loot over here." "Let's invite Loot." What do you think?
Amy: ...I bet you're excited about the raise that comes with your promotion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, Terry doesn't like to talk about money, but, uh Cha-ching. [laughs] Now I can pay for Showtime. Find out who or what "SMILF" is.

Captain Holt: Detectives, Commissioner Kelly is back and he found his way here on his own without any tips from the public. How impressive is that?

Sergeant Jeffords: Who am I kidding? We'll never save enough to keep me at the Nine-Nine.
Amy: You're right. The only way to free up that money is if you fire someone.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I can't just fire someone without cause.
Amy: Come on. We all know there's a bunch of dead weight around here. Sloppy paperwork, penmanship fails, phone etiquette that makes me want to barf. Let's axe a dud.
Rosa: Damn, Amy. I am loving this shade on you.

Sergeant Jeffords: What do I do? Brian sounds terrible. I can't let him quit his job. He'll never get cast in anything.
Amy: Maybe he'll be one of those people on "The Voice" that's so bad they become an Internet sensation.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what they do on "The Voice", Amy, that's "American Idol". "The Voice" is purely a celebration of talent.

John Kelly: Oh-ho-ho. Way worse. You wrote several people, "I would do anything to rid the NYPD of John Kelly. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
Jake: You have got to stop signing your text messages.

Jake: So Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean that I'm inhuman, Jake.
Jake: Caleb, come on. That's not what I meant.
Caleb: I'm just kidding. I'm probably friends with the guy online. [chuckles] What's his deal?
Jake: Well, he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb: Ew. What? I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff. Butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot, but it was nasty.
Jake: Yeah, I can see that.

John Kelly: No, stingray is a portable cell tower. You drive it around the city. It captures data from any cell phone within reach. Like, oh, text messages, location history, voicemail-
Jake: Oh, my god. You have a "Dark Knight" machine.

Captain Holt: What's going on, Kelly? Why is your assistant submitting tips?
Jake: Because they already had the information. The tips aren't coming from the public at all.
John Kelly: Oh, cool theory. But if I already had the information, why am I pouring so much money into developing this app?
Jake: To hide where you're getting it.
Charles: Because you're using illegal wiretaps or something.
John Kelly: You got me! [laughs] You guys are good. I just love how you ping pong off each other.
Captain Holt: This is blatantly unconstitutional. I'm going to the press.
John Kelly: Yes, you should. But first, do you know what a stingray is?
Charles: Of course we know what a Stingray is. Tenderest meat in the ocean.

Jake: You a Stern fan, Micah?
Micah: Oh yeah. Listen every day. Baba Booey!
Captain Holt: Baba Booey?
Charles: Baba Booey.
Jake: Baba Booey. You're the guy from the video. You called in the tip.
John Kelly: [uncomfortable laughter] Yeah. Ah, Micah, do me a favor. Give us a moment here, all right? Nobody in or out. Lock the doors. Thanks, bud.
Jake: Actually Micah, you wanna leave that door unlocked in case we want to make a quick getaway?
Micah: I'm gonna do what he told me to do.
Jake: Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks, bud.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Anyway, most of the killer's incisions are very sloppy but then once he gets to the heart they become very careful. I mean, look at the vena cava. That's a clean cut. Game recognize game.
Jake: Hmm. I like your style, Doctor Cox.

Captain Holt: NYPD!
Jake: Hands where we can see them!
Charles: There's a heart in the cooler.
Jake: Sorry, Rinaldi, the only transplant happening today is your ass to jail. He is definitely unconscious and didn't hear any of that. But I'm still pumped. Case closed. Let's go!

Caleb: Can I see that picture again? Oh man, those are some nice tools. I would love to spread some ribs using that sternum retractor, but they only sell those to hospitals.
Jake: Wait a minute. What did you just say?
Caleb: I said I'd love to get my little fingies in some chesties.
Jake: No, no, no. Not the super gross part. Surgery-grade tools, precise incisions around the heart, and there was no ice at the motel.
Captain Holt: Because the perp was using it for the hearts.
Jake: We're not looking for a serial killer. He stole the hearts for a transplant.

John Kelly: Listen, you know what would help you catch this guy? I just launched a new app, HotClues. Are you familiar with it?
Captain Holt: The one that allows civilians to submit anonymous tips directly to the NYPD? Yes, I'm familiar with HotClues.
John Kelly: Great. You know, it's actually helped us solve 17 cases, so I think we should ask for the public's help with this one.
Captain Holt: No, study after study has shown that soliciting anonymous tips results in false leads and wrongful convictions.
John Kelly: Hmm. Tell me how you really feel.
Captain Holt: I did.
John Kelly: And I loved it. Such passion.

Caleb: This is such a surprise. I haven't seen you since I transferred here. How's Amy?
Jake: She's great. We're married and she's a Sergeant now.
Caleb: Wow.
Jake: Yeah. How's everything here?
Caleb: You know, same old same old. Guess who's here? Herman.
Jake: Herman! Always playing Yahtzee, knew everybody's name.
Caleb: Worshipped Satan.
Jake: Did he? He never mentioned that. [laughter] He wouldn't shut up about it.
Caleb: It is exhausting.

Captain Holt: Gentlemen, there's something I need to say. I gave you such a hard time about using Commissioner Kelly's app because I was being petty. I wanted him to fail and I took it out on you and for that I am very...
Jake: Oh. You kind of trailed off there, sir. Were you going to finish your sentence? It felt like you were going to say you were sorry.
Captain Holt: I did. Boyle heard it.
Charles: Uh, I would remember if someone said my catch phrase.
Captain Holt: Fine, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
Jake: Apology accepted. I am so proud of you.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: You're right. I'll rub it in later.

Sergeant Jeffords: So I found out where they're transferring me. And, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about it.
Rosa: Oh. Somewhere nice? Upper West Side?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, even better. Staten Island.
Rosa: [bursts out laughing] Good one, Loot. Where you really going?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm serious. Staten.
Rosa: Wait, they're transferring you out of New York?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's part of the City!
Amy: Is it, though?

Rosa: Hey Terry, you okay? You skipped all your lunches.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm going through the budget to see if there's any way we could save enough money for me to stay here.
Amy: You find anything yet?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we could switch to generic printer ink, cut down on custodial services, and stop buying office birthday cakes.
Scully: Over my dead body!
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just an idea.
Scully: Well, take it off the table!
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully, fine.

Captain Holt: Baba Booey? Is that a clue?
Jake: Uh, I don't know what Baba Booey means, actually.
Charles: It's a popular prank phrase from Howard Stern.
Jake: Charles.
Captain Holt: Oh, from a shock jock. Well, that changes everything. Now we have a credible break in the case. Baba Booey!

Captain Holt: Look, if you can't solve this case, I'll reassign it to someone who can.
Jake: Wait, no, no, no, no, no. I have an idea. We need to get into the mind of a sicko. And the only way to do that is with the help of another sicko.

Jake: [phone ringing] Oh, it's Holt. I didn't tell him what we were doing.
Charles: I'll act natural.
Jake: You're not gonna be on the phone call. Just do nothing. [answering phone] Hey, Captain.
Charles: What delicious water I'm drinking.
Jake: [growls] Sorry that we didn't check in before we left. We're just down at the DMV following up on the Saturn owners.
Captain Holt: Lies!

Caleb: Jake. It's so good to see you! Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you. Also, don't hug me 'cause I will try to eat you.

Sergeant Jeffords: You know Brian, this makes me think of something I saw on "Ellen." There was this lady, she wanted to be a cook, but her tongue was all messed up, and she had this friend who didn't even have a tongue I mean, she did, and now they own a taco truck in Lansing.
Brian Floomryde: Huh?
Sergeant Jeffords: Follow your dreams, man. You gotta follow your dreams. Find your taco truck.
Brian Floomryde: Wow. Thank you. That gives me a lot to think about. So what did you come down here for?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, uh, I had to borrow the water cooler.

Brian Floomryde: Well, my passion is performing. I do musical theater. It's the hardest form of acting.
Sergeant Jeffords: I agree. I am always saying, if you're not singing, you're not acting.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Brian. What are you up to?
Brian Floomryde: Typing in numbers into a computer. Like I always do endlessly for 40-60 hours a week.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, when you love what you do, you don't work a day in your life. Unless, do you not love sad data entry?

John Kelly: So, I know Raymond has some issues with HotClues, but we did put the call out on the app and got a very promising tip.
Jake: Look, we're not going against our Captain.
John Kelly: So this guy says he saw someone covered in blood getting out of a Saturn Ion. But you don't need that tip because you are among the best detectives in the NYPD. [laughter]
Jake: You're right, we don't need that tip. But seriously, send us that tip. We need it.

Captain Holt: Well, I'll be. That's some nice police work, Peralta.
Jake: And Charles.
Captain Holt: I especially like how you found evidence, followed up on it, and it's lead you closer to a solve.
John Kelly: No, I agree, Peralta. It's excellent work.
Captain Holt: You must've hated saying that.
John Kelly: No, I didn't. I like giving compliments. You have a nice deep voice. It is very commanding.
Captain Holt: Cut the crap, John. You're furious. And everyone can tell.
John Kelly: See? Very commanding.

Monica: Excuse me, is there ice yet?
Jake: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work here. I'm a police officer.
Monica: Well, then I'd like to lodge a formal complaint. There hasn't been ice here for days and everyone knows my wine coolers are supposed to be served chilled.
Jake: You're an adult. Why are you drinking wine coolers?
Monica: Because I'm on vacation.
Jake: Okay. Well, I'll mention the ice.
Monica: Thanks. Pig.