Jake: Okay, look, Captain Kim lied to us. There's something in this house that proves she's conspiring with Madeline Wuntch, and we're gonna find it.
Amy: I am not letting you snoop around in her stuff and ruin this party.
Jake: Oh, okay. Well, good luck trying to stop us.
Amy: Oh, Jake. You don't know who you're dealing with, do you? I was a student chaperone at every dance from middle school on. I've stopped more horny teenagers from making out to Savage Garden than you can count.
Jake: Cool story, but we're not horny teens. We're horny adults. And tonight we're going all the way. Come on, Holt, let's shake this narc.
Amy: That's right, I am a NARC, a Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone.

Jake: I say we use those meetings to figure out why she's really here. She may seem perfect, but I guarantee there's a "but." And I'm gonna find that "but" and drill down on it.
Charles: Come on, man. You have to know how that sounds.
Jake: Shut up, cool Charles. I hate this new dynamic.

Jake: Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Captain Holt: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Jake: Oh, well, what a sweet and thoughtful moment, which would not have been possible without my meddling.
Scully: How dare you try to weasel out of this when the love of my life is splattered all over that room.
Jake: The chair?
Scully: Get her name out of your mouth.
Jake: Her name is the chair?
Scully: [aggressively] I warned you!

Jake: NYPD, freeze! Taking down the bad guys without breaking up our convo. That how we do it in the Nine-Nine.
Amy: You're going the wrong direction.
Jake: Damn it. All these hallways look the same. That was such a cool walk-off.

Captain Holt: It's like there's something great at this party for everyone, even me. She's serving my favorite dessert: carrots.

Captain Julie Kim: Well, I went over your recent evaluations, and I don't think you belong here.
Jake: Oh, I knew it. You want to get rid of me. Well, you know what? You can't fire me, because I quit metaphorically. Obviously, for medical insurance reasons, it's actually much better if do you fire me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you just give away your magic jacket?
Charles: Oh, Terry, it wasn't the jacket. I realize now that Chuck was in here. I've had another man deep inside me this whole time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Welcome back, Charles.
Charles: Oh, right away? It was the jacket.

Captain Julie Kim: [o.s.] Hello?
Captain Holt: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape? In here.

Captain Holt: Excuse me, but does it seem slightly warm to anyone? I feel it is quite warm.
[cut to:]
Jake: What was that? You were supposed to cause a drunken scene.
Captain Holt: I was. I raised the volume of my voice 9% as inebriated people do, and I spoke of the resultant rise in body temperature.
Jake: Well, you need to do more.
Captain Holt: More than that? Pfft, okay.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, she's not lying about her resume. Did you know The Rock's character in "The Fast and the Furious" was based on her? Hobbs. Or Shaw.
Jake: She's not a Hobbs or a Shaw. If anything she's a Trevor. That the guy my mom dated after she divorced my dad.
Sergeant Jeffords: So this is all about your daddy issues?
Jake: Step-daddy issues. This is a new thing. I'm complicated. Anyways, Trevor seemed perfect too, you know? He was nice to my mom, he drove a limousine, he would take us out to restaurants. But then my mom caught him cheating, and we never saw him again. So it turns out when people are too good to be true, they are.

Sergeant Jeffords: Working with the FBI. That's your dream job, Jake.
Jake: First of all, my dream job is spy falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work alone to clear his name by taking down the mysterious organization that framed him known only as S.H.A.D.E. Secondly, it wasn't a real job offer. She's up to something.

Jake: Brace yourselves. You're about to look into the face of pure evil.
Captain Julie Kim: Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm Captain Julie Kim.
Charles: And I'm Chuck. If you want results, stay the hell out of my way. [tosses coffee cup]
Captain Julie Kim: Okay, wow, I guess I know who the office badass is.

Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim, and you're here to snoop on her.
Captain Holt: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal-
Captain Holt: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Jake: So you supposedly build skate parks, huh? What are your three favorite tricks?
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, gingersnap, plasma spin, roast beef grab. What about you?
Jake: Ollies. And the roast beef one that you said. It doesn't matter. We're both skaters. Let's move on.

Charles: 'Sup?
Jake: What is happening?
Charles: Well, with the new captain coming in, this is my chance to reinvent myself. So say hello to Chuck Boyle, office badass.
Jake: Wait a minute. Is that Rosa's jacket? And follow-up question, does Rosa's jacket fit you perfectly?
Charles: [scoffs] You tell me.

Captain Holt: [over radio] The service road a quarter mile away is also clear. Hold on. There's a pigeon approaching. Hold the mission. Shoo. Shoo. Shoo. Shoo.
Jake: Great work with that pidge, officer.

Jake: Wait a minute. That's it. If there's something great for everyone, there's something great for the narc.
[cut to:]
Jake: Babe, hi. How are you enjoying the party?
Amy: Trying to chat me up? It won't work. Chaperone's code forbids fraternization with chaperonees.

Hitchcock: What are you two doing over here, waiting for the caterers before they make their way into the crowd?
Captain Holt: We're snooping on Captain Kim, but let me guess. She seduced you as well.
Hitchcock: Is she doing that to people?
Jake: Not literally.

Captain Julie Kim: Oh, Michael, Norm, I didn't realize you arrived. Come with me, I want to make an introduction.
Scully: Don't worry, Jake. You're our friend. We're on your side no matter- Holy crap! Look at those chairs.
Captain Julie Kim: I know you two like to sit, and these are the most comfortable chairs ever. Give 'em a try.
Both: Ohh.

Sergeant Jeffords: [over radio] Detectives, switch to channel five. Anyone else getting a sense Holt is upset about the new captain coming tomorrow?
Rosa: It's bad. This morning he sighed for the entire length of our elevator ride.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: [elongated sigh]

Jake: Okay, fine, I'll just leave you alone, then. I really quickly did want to introduce you to someone, though. This is Margo. She's a friend of Captain Kim's. And apparently she invented a new type of binder.
Amy: What?
Margo Hayes: "New type of binder" seems reductive. Would you call a car a new kind of horse?
Amy: No.
Margo Hayes: This is the future of organization.
Amy: Oh, my God. Tell me everything.
Jake: And you've been chaper-powned.
Amy: What?
Jake: Nothing. Love you. Binders.

Carol: Excuse me. I know you from somewhere. Do you go to my gym?
Charles: Oh, nah. I work out in my garage, throw the tire around, grab a couple big ropes and do this.
Carol: Mm-hmm. Here's my number. Maybe I could come over some time and I don't know you could work me out.

Captain Holt: We need to get that key. How are you at picking pockets?
Jake: Does this answer your question?
Captain Holt: Whose wallet is that?
Jake: It's mine. But it came out so smooth I barely even felt it. All right, fine, I'm terrible at pickpocketing.

Captain Holt: Oh, I love this song. Oh, I'll have one of those.
[cut to:]
Jake: That was more?
Captain Holt: I paired a crab cake with a cooked Côtes du Rhône, like an animal.
Jake: Okay, we need a new plan.
Captain Holt: No, no, I have just the thing.
Jake: It's gonna be too small again. You have to really-
Captain Holt: I'm going to throw myself down the stairs.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Ahh! Augh! Ohh.

Jake: Terry. Terry. Terry, are you okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm fine. But that dog came right at me. And I have no idea why.
John Thereford: It looked like you had a lot of food in your pockets.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No. That's not true. This jacket never had any pockets. This is the style.
Ronald Palmer: Oh, my God. You did think I was poisoning you.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, you were the one who said he spent every day in prison dreaming of the day we'd meet again.
Ronald Palmer: So I could prove to you I'd changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: You said you put something extra in my food.
Ronald Palmer: Love.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you said it so creepy. Look, tone is everything, man.
Ronald Palmer: I've been talking to a cinder block wall for the last ten years. I'm sorry if my social skills leave something to be desired.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is a really good explanation.

Captain Julie Kim: You broke into my bedroom?
Jake: Well, this wouldn't have been a problem if didn't have a vicious guard dog that's protecting her secrets.
Captain Julie Kim: Linus is not a guard dog, and he's not vicious. He was locked in my room, because she gets skittish around crowds. I just rescued him from a dog-fighting ring.
All: Aww.
Jake: Don't aww her, all right. She's a liar, and I have proof. Remember how she said she didn't know Madeline Wuntch? Well, then explain why she has an email from her dated two weeks ago, subject: Raymond Holt.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Captain Julie Kim: Peralta, why don't you read that email aloud for everyone?
Jake: Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Wait a minute. Why would you love that? This is gonna be bad for me, isn't it? Amy, you read it.
Amy: No.
Charles: I'll do it, Jakey.
Jake: Oh, the old Charles is back.

Charles: "Julia, we've never spoken-"
Jake: Mm-hmm, four words in, and it's already pretty bad for me.
Charles: "But your transfer to the Nine-Nine is a foolish one. They are a dysfunctional precinct commanded by a rancid old prune, Raymond Holt. But in recognition of your exemplary service, I will honor your wishes. Wuntch."

Jake: All right here we go, approaching the mail. Stay cool, and doink. Now we've just got to find a private place to look at these. Through here to the guest bath. [opens door] Ahh!
Amy: Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not gonna work for you. Gimme the mail. You just chaperoned, O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Captain Holt: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding. Whatever. We need to figure out a way to get her off our tail.
Amy: Good luck with that.
Jake: Aah!

Jake: You know, just put on a leather jacket and become a badass. You also need a chunky bracelet with fringe.
Charles: Wrong. Ever since Rosa gave me this baby, people have been treating me like I'm cool. The girl at the coffee shop even got the name on my cup right. It says "Charles," not "Cassie."
Amy: You know, I think it's ess about the jacket and more about the fact that you're feeling confident. Maybe this cool version of Charles was in there all along.
Charles: Amy, I love you, but that's insane. It's a magic jacket.

Jake: So just to be clear, you think we're dealing with a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" situation here?
Charles: Don't know, not familiar.
Jake: You made me watch it.

Captain Julie Kim: I'm not firing you. I'm impressed by your talent and record, and it just so happens have a friend in the FBI who is looking for an NYPD liaison officer. So what do you say?
[cut to:]
Amy: So what did you say?
Jake: I told her I'd rather stick my entire head inside a giraffe's long blonde butt than accept a job offer from her.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: You said that?
Jake: In my head. In my mouth I said I would think about it and get back to her. She'll get the message when I dillydally.

Jake: Look, there's no point in rebranding yourself for the new captain or should I say "craptain" because they're not gonna be here for very long anyways, remember?
Captain Holt: Peralta, stop it. I don't want to hear you bad-mouthing my replacement around the office. Do it surreptitiously. Watch this. I hear that new captain's a pill-popper.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're on their way up.
Captain Holt: Everyone hide your pills.

Captain Julie Kim: Anyway, I just want to say how excited am to be here at the Nine-Nine. I hear the best things about this place.
Jake: From who? Madeline Wuntch, per chance?
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, I've never actually spoken to Acting Commissioner Wuntch. I requested the posting through the C.O.P's office. I didn't prepare a speech, but a little about me: I was the first female Asian-American captain in the NYPD. My guilty pleasure is charity work. And what do I do for fun? Well, basically just design and build skate parks for marginalized communities; and that's me.
[cut to:]
Jake: What a gigantic turd.
Captain Holt: Agreed, an unformed pile.

Rosa: Hey, listen. I'm taking this weekend off. Do you think you can have the new captain gone by Monday? I'm kind of over meeting new people.
Jake: Gone by Monday. Challenge accepted.

Sergeant Jeffords: He's kind of right, Jake. What was going on there?
Jake: I don't know. I guess I'm just overly paranoid from everything that's happened here, you know, with Kelly and Wuntch and Trevor and Rolf.
Charles: Who's Rolf?
Jake: Oh, mom my dated Rolf after she broke up with Trevor. He was also a limo driver, and he also cheated on her. The problem is with limo drivers.
Amy: Babe, it's not.
Jake: It's not?
Amy: No.
Jake: Okay, thanks. I love you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Kim asked for an immediate transfer. She is no longer a part of the Nine-Nine.
Charles: What?
Sergeant Jeffords: She said that she respected you all, but there was obviously too much history here and she'd always feel like an interloper.
Jake: Oh, man, you guys. I almost feel like this is all my fault.
Captain Holt: Agreed.
Jake: What? You encouraging me. You kept saying, "Mm-hmm."
Captain Holt: I was going through something difficult. You have no excuse.

Amy: So, Captain Kim, I've been going through your files-
Captain Julie Kim: And I've been going through yours, very impressive stuff.
Amy: Oh.
Captain Julie Kim: Not just the case work, but look at how they're organized, the penmanship, color coding. How do you get such straight margins on a hand-written document?
Amy: Oh, well, I like to say when it comes to margins
Both: There's no margin for error. [both laugh]

Captain Julie Kim: Everybody, the dog's leashed up out back. Did anyone get hurt?
Nick Slade: We're all fine, thanks to this guy. Tackling a pit bull without spilling your whiskey, badass.
Don Levierel: Eh, it was nothing. His teeth couldn't even penetrate the jacket.
Nick Slade: Hey, I have a spot opening in a weekly poker game. You interested?
Charles: But you said I could come.
Nick Slade: I just think Broadway star Sutton Foster is gonna like the other guy a little bit better.
Charles: No.

Jake: What happened? Am I okay? Oh, I see what happened. He went downstairs and killed everyone else. Phew. That worked out.

Don Levierel: Hey, you, cool guy. Were you flirting with my girlfriend out back?
Charles: Calm down, hotshot. I'm taken. Look, I'll throw away her number.
Don Levierel: That's it, you and me outside.
Charles: Oh, brother. Come on, guys. I've got to go squash this bug.

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you guys doing here?
Jake: What do you mean? We're going to the party.
Amy: You said you weren't coming. You said that Captain Kim was a Trevor and that she only invited us to earn our trust so she could have sex with our mom.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was very confusing.
Jake: I never said that. But it's not confusing. I mean, our "mom" is obviously the precinct, and Captain Kim having sex with the precinct is actually her teaming up with Madeline Wuntch to destroy it. It's a perfect analogy, which I never used.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I get it. There's no question we've been burned a bunch as squad. But you not giving someone the benefit of the doubt cost us a good captain.
Jake: I know. You're right. Look, I'm really sorry.
Sergeant Jeffords: But your heart was in the right place.
Jake: And I had to pay Captain Kim, like, $3,700 in damages.
Amy: You did what?
Jake: The point is, everyone accepted my apology, Amy, right, Charles?
Charles: You betcha, Jakey.
Jake: See?

Amy: I don't know. She seemed kind of awesome to me.
Jake: The thing is, she can't be awesome 'cause she's here to replace Holt.
Amy: But she said as soon as his year in uniform is finished she's moving on.
Jake: That's a pretty generous interpretation of what she said, Amy.
[flashback:]
Captain Julie Kim: As soon as his year in uniform is finished, I'll be moving on.
[back:]
Jake: Okay, fine. It's exactly what she said. But she seems like a liar. Someone told me she's a pill-popper.
Captain Holt: Pop-pop.

Sergeant Jeffords: That sucks, Jake, but I don't think Captain Kim is a Trevor.
Jake: Oh, really? She could have had her choice of any precinct. Why would she choose this lame temporary posting here? I'll tell you why. Because Madeline Wuntch sent her.
Sergeant Jeffords: So what do we do?
Jake: I'm glad you asked. You know how she wants to have individual meetings with us to assess our "personal strengths" and help us "achieve our goals?"
Captain Holt: Stupid B.

John Thereford: Of course, at Calder we're not just looking for good students. We want compassionate members of the community.
Sergeant Jeffords: Great. Terry has a passion for compassion.
Ronald Palmer: Turkey pinwheel?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, you're back again. You seem to working this one spot a lot.
Ronald Palmer: Well, we're old friends, remember? I'll ask again, turkey pinwheel?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why is there just one?
Ronald Palmer: I made it special for you.
Sergeant Jeffords: How is it special?
Ronald Palmer: There's a little something extra in it. Wait, are you still suspicious of me? You don't think I deserve a second chance?
John Thereford: Impossible. Lieutenant Jeffords has a passion for compassion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you're right. You know what? I will take this pinwheel. Mmm, delicious.

Charles: This is the best night of my life. People believe I work out with ropes, a mega-babe hit on me, and the bartender didn't assume I just wanted a Bay Breeze.

Jake: Maybe you could create a drunken scene or something?
Captain Holt: Why? What would my motivation be for such poor behavior?
Jake: I don't know. Anything.
Captain Holt: No, I need something to draw from. Have I had a row with Kevin? Did something happen to Cheddar? Has a new captain moved into my precinct, usurped my position, and won the affection and admiration of people I've spent seven years building relationships with, people I once considered my chosen family, whom I foolheartedly hoped would provide me the unconditional support that I never got from my own flesh and blood?
Jake: I think you should go with the last one.
Captain Holt: Yeah, the last one seemed good.

Captain Julie Kim: Lieutenant, thanks for coming in.
Sergeant Jeffords: First off, do you have any questions for me? Just one. Why would someone with your pedigree choose the Nine-Nine?
Captain Julie Kim: Well, why did you choose to stay here as long as you have?
Sergeant Jeffords: This is my family second family. I have a wife and three kids at home.
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, please tell me you have pictures.
Sergeant Jeffords: I may have one or two... hard drives at my desk. Let me grab them real fast, okay?

Jake: Well, looks like we just found the key to exposing Captain Kim. ...
Captain Holt: It's the key that's in her pocket.
Jake: Yes, obviously that's what I meant.

Jake: Will you wake up? That woman is a demon, and it couldn't be more obvious.
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, here you are. I have to say how great it was talking to you all, and I wanted to let you know about a party I'm throwing at my house tomorrow night. Are you interested?
Jake: Oh, well, we will think about it and get back to you.
Captain Julie Kim: Great. Just let me know.
Jake: Great. [to everyone else] And now we dillydally.

Charles: So Cap tells me you're in "Major Crimes."
Nick Slade: Yeah, working something big. Can't tell you who our target is, but let's just say he's done a bunch of disturbing things, and he's on the Yankees. [Charles whistles] You play poker?
Charles: Eh, used to, got tired of winning all the time.
Nick Slade: Well, I have a weekly game. It's mostly Broadway stars and celebrity chefs, not exactly my crowd, but they are high rollers. Spot opened up, you want in?
Charles: I don't know, seems kind of lame, but I'll stop by.

Charles: What's up, guys? Why are we standing around outside?
Jake: Is your walk different? Are you strutting?
Charles: Don't know what you're talking about. It's how I always walk, bitch. Let's roll.
Jake: Bitch?

Captain Julie Kim: Oh, Lieutenant, I want to introduce you to my old neighbor, John. He's the head of admissions at the Calder Academy in the Bronx.
Sergeant Jeffords: Calder? That's the best elementary school in the city. Their mock trial team gets hired to work real cases.

Captain Julie Kim: And, Chuck, my friend from "Major Crimes" is here. You're gonna love him.
Charles: Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Captain Julie Kim: Well, come on. Let's go. Oh, let me talk you coat.
Charles: No, I need it!

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh good, the food. I'm starving.
Ronald Palmer: Hello, Detective Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do I know you?
Ronald Palmer: Ronald Palmer. You arrested me ten years ago. You testified at my trial.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, hey. What have you been up to?
Both: Prison.
Sergeant Jeffords: Prison, yeah. I shouldn't have asked.
Ronald Palmer: I spent ten long years thinking about what I would do if I ever saw you again. Lettuce cup? Oh, do you think I'm trying to poison you? Am I always gonna be a criminal in your eyes even though I've served my time?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, no. I'm just not hungry right now.
John Thereford: Oh, you said you were starving.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, John. Thanks for reminding me, John.