Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?

Sergeant Jeffords: Santiago and I are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.
Amy: And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are going to be there.
Jake: I love you so much. Continue.

Captain Holt: Diaz, congratulations on moving on to the second round, said I, sarcastically.
Rosa: Oh, you're still in this. I knew a uniformed officer had been eliminated, I just couldn't remember which one.
Captain Holt: Okay, we're both great at insults. Let's move on. Tell me, why do you wanna win this game so badly?
Rosa: Honestly... I guess I still feel like my parents don't accept my sexuality. And winning this will let me prove to myself that as long as I feel good about who I am, that's all that matters.
Captain Holt: That's a load of dung. You processed that parent stuff a year ago.
Rosa: You're right, we're going to Drag Brunch this Sunday.

Hitchcock: So I bet you're wondering how I did so well in that last competition.
Jake: Actually, I was impressed you didn't eat any of the meat.
Hitchcock: Well, I don't deserve all the credit. Scully, show 'em what we're working with.
Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.
Scully: This blood thinner can suppress appetite. This eczema pill can cause extreme muscle spasms.
Hitchcock: Which is pretty inconvenient, unless you need to hurl meat across the room.
Jake: My God. He's doping.
Scully: Welcome to the big leagues.

Scully: [to sniffer dog, Officer Frisbee] I'm a mop. Shh.
[later:]
Charles: The flattop has left the big top.

Rosa: Well, you're forgetting about me. I'm also your competition.
Captain Holt: Yes, but you don't normally care about games like these.
Rosa: Well, I do care about this game. And you're gonna lose because my brains aren't made of hay. My brains are made of brains.
Captain Holt: Oh, ho. The perfect retort.

Captain Holt: So, Diaz, I've never been more excited. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs, and I'm destined to win. Look at my competition. Little Miss Hay For Brains. The Hay Brains, and King Brain Made of Hay.

Jake: Now, Gina is gone, so we're out of a host.
Charles: Me! Please, me. It's my time to shine. It's my "Greatest Showman" moment.
Jake: Charles, you can't.
Charles: You know who else they told "You can't"? Lettie Lutz, the bearded lady. But then, Mr. Barnum gave her a stage. Give me my stage, Jacob.
Jake: Wait, so you're the bearded lady?
Charles: No! I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron, and everyone else is one of my freaks.
Jake: Look, I would love to give you the hosting duties so you can work through whatever weird fantasy this is, but we need at least six players and the host can't play.
Charles: Then I'll find someone to replace me. I promise you will have your circus, Mr. Barnum.
Jake: I thought you were Barnum.
Charles: No! I'm the greatest showman!
Jake: Isn't that Barnum?

Jake: Now, who's ready to compete?
Captain Holt: Count me in. I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was-
Captain Holt: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.
Jake: Copy that. I love your intensity.

Amy: Jake!
Jake: What is that?
Amy: Grab the top one and yank the bottom one!
Jake: Oh, thank God that's what you meant. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.

Captain Holt: Anyhow, you took a vacation 14 days ago, and yet, you already want another day off? Odd, unless you need it for a unique, once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. Perhaps a proposal to your girlfriend Jocelyn.
Rosa: What?
Captain Holt: You've been dating for a year, you've met each other's parents, and you just got your nails done to present her with a ring.
Rosa: Jocelyn broke up with me.
Captain Holt: What?
Rosa: I want the day off so I can sit alone and listen to death metal and get my head right.
Captain Holt: But what about my nail polish solve?
Rosa: Getting my nails done made me feel better for a second.
Captain Holt: Ahh! This is a trick to throw me off. I bet things are better than ever and you... Oh. You really are crying.

Amy: What the hell are you doing? Why did you just bet our new car?
Jake: Because it's fun. And because it's who I am. I mean, remember all those crazy bets we used to make when you were falling in love with me?
Amy: I remember the bets we made when I found you obnoxious and difficult to be around.
Jake: Yes, those bets. See, you remember. This is just like that.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's not bad that I trust you more now. Plus, there's not even that much for you guys to do today. I mean, the squad is on reserve parade duty. Your job is to sit around.
Jake: Good point. Besides, what's the worst thing a responsible guy like me could do?
[later:]
Jake: Buckle your butts, everyone! The Jimmy Jab Games are back!

Amy: I don't get it. Why did you make this bet in the first place?
Jake: I don't know. Terry kept saying all that stuff about how I matured, and I got worried I was becoming a boring adult.
Amy: You are not a boring adult.
Jake: No. I am. You wanna know why I really wanted that year of no paperwork? It's so if we did get pregnant, I would have more time to help with the baby.
Amy: Aww.
Jake: No, save your "aww." I don't deserve it. I'm just some boring, responsible guy that's about to lose our car.
Amy: You're still pretty irresponsible.
Jake: Aww. You're just saying that 'cause you're my wife.
Amy: No, I'm not. Yesterday, you took the batteries out of our smoke detector to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Jake: You noticed.
Amy: Yeah. In a bad way.

Charles: A lover's sacrifice, and another lover reborn. These games truly have it all. And now, a quick intermission for one of my legendary costume changes.

Amy: Jake, I'm in. Are you in?
Jake: Amy, I'm not gonna make it! You just go for the day off. You've earned it.
Amy: No, we're gonna lose the car!
Jake: Oh, crap! Right, the car. Oh, no, we're gonna lose the car!
Amy: Hell no, we won't!
Jake: You "Armageddon'd" me.
Amy: I don't know what that means.

Charles: Time for our next competition, The Hellevator. You see, normally, our elevator can hold up to 12 freaks. But, what if it's filled with boxes, and those freaks are wearing bomb suits? Well then, its capacity drops to four. "Oh, but Mr. Barnum, there are five freaks here. Whatever shall we do?" That's the twist. You have to fight for your spot. And once those elevator doors close, one of you will be out. Oh, did I mention, you have to do it all in bomb suits?
Captain Holt: Yes, that was one of the first things you mentioned.
Charles: Oh, sorry. I was thinking of my next song. Anyway, suit up, freaks!

Jake: Why does the ceiling hate me?

Charles: Uh, wait, where's Jake?
Amy: Well, there's a TV cart suspiciously in the middle of the room, that ceiling tile's out of place, and he said he was going to hide somewhere reckless, so I'm guessing he's up there.
Jake: That's right, Amy. I'm in the ceiling. Unlike you boring, old fogies, I found the craziest... [Jake and half the ceiling crashes to the floor] Don't worry. My bones and ribs broke my fall.

Jake: Why aren't you hiding? Are you quitting?
Hitchcock: Oh, no, quite the opposite. This little guy keeps Scully's liver from imploding, but it has a neat side effect. It also masks your natural odor and makes you smell like a dead fish.
Amy: Ew.
Hitchcock: Who's got two stinky thumbs that stink like rotten salmon? This stinky guy.
Jake: You suck.

Amy: Jake, will you join me in Terry's office?
Jake: Oh, private rendezvous, huh? This whole trying to make a baby thing has got you super freak- Hey, Terry! What's up, dude?
Amy: What did you think was happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: He clearly thought you were gonna have secret sex in here.
Jake: What? Inappropes, much? I did not think that. Amy did. She texted me about it. See? Proof. Anyway, what's up, Lieutenant?

Captain Holt: No. There's something private that is fueling you. And when I find that private fuel, I will extract it to use as my private fuel in my private fuel tank. Then I will have a full tank of private fuel, and you will have an empty tank of private... [Rosa takes Holt's bagel] Rosa.

Hitchcock: Peralta, how about we make these games a little more exciting with a wager?
Jake: Ooh, interesting. What'd you have in mind?
Hitchcock: If you win, I'll do your paperwork for a year.
Jake: Go on.
Hitchcock: If I win, I get your new car.
Amy: You're joking, right?
Hitchcock: Why? Because you can't imagine someone bitchin' like me driving a lame family sedan?
Amy: No, because Jake would never bet our car.
Jake: Yeah, I would never do that. But also, it's not lame. It's the color of an alcohol. Everyone's talking about it.
Hitchcock: No, Jake, it's a super lame car. But I don't mind. My ex-step-son kicked me out of the house, and I need a place to crash with air conditioning.

Sergeant Jeffords: Anyways, you're in charge for the day.
Jake: Oh, boy. Here comes the lecture. "Be responsible, Jake. Don't do anything crazy or fun."
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no lecture. I trust you.
Jake: But there always used to be a lecture.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, well, you're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy just buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
Jake: In a rebellious color, champagne, which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
Jake: Yeah, he turned it around on me.

Charles: Okay, little lady, you get that voice warmed up because you are doing the closing ceremonies.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I can't. I haven't prepared. I don't even know the song.
Charles: Welcome to show business. It waits for no one. You're on in an hour.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Do you really think they liked it?
Charles: It doesn't matter what other people think. What matters is that you can do anything you put your mind to, because in the end, my bearded lady, the beard was under you, the greatest showman.
Officer Debbie Fogle: You're right. I can do anything.
[cut to Officer Debbie Fogle in the evidence room:]
Officer Debbie Fogle: Anything I put my mind to. [singing] Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, oh.

Charles: Whoa-ho-ho, you hear that? It's the total silence of people reeling from the performance of a lifetime. How does it feel?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Incredible. I've never been that loud.
Charles: That's what most singing is. And with more practice, you'll only get louder.

Charles: The show is over, lessons were learned, tears were cried. Just remember, freaks, the real freak is the freak inside. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Debbie Fogel.
Officer Debbie Fogel: [sings off-key] And now our games come to an end We started as freaks but now we're friends And we'll all be friends forever Forever Forever [sporadic applause]
Jake: Well, that was weird.

Charles: Jake is champion! Congratulations, you inherit the circus!
Jake: I did it! I don't want the circus.

Jake: All right, fine. I can do this. For my wife. Ah, it didn't work. My skeleton feels like it's made of Skittles. I can't do it, Amy.
Amy: Yes, you can, okay? You just need a little energy. And Debbie's EpiPens are full of adrenaline.
Jake: Is that a smart thing to do?
Amy: Probably not, but sometimes it's good to be a little irresponsible.
Jake: You're gonna make me sick.
Amy: It's better than losing our car.
Jake: I mean, is it, cos? [Amy jabs Jake with an Epi-Pen] ... I will never die!

Charles: The time has come for the grand finale, the obstacle course.
Hitchcock: This is gonna be rough. Turns out, taking a ton of random pills is really bad for you. Everything hurts.
Jake: Yeah, I'm like 50/50 gonna die.
Charles: On your mark, get set, dazzle me, freaks! First, you must make your way past the barricade hurdles. After the hurdles, you must fish a dollar coin out of our gross, clogged-up sink of nightmares. You use that money to buy a hot dog. After you eat the entire dog, you'll return to the break room, where you must extract an olive from the windpipe of a Heimlich practice dummy.
Jake: [to Hitchcock] Why are you using your mouth for everything?
Charles: The winner will be the first person to sit in the Ringmaster's throne. Uh-oh, surprise twist! To get to the throne, you must break through a breach training door.
Jake: What? Why are you making this so hard on me?
Charles: It's all for the show, Jake. The greatest show on Earth!

Jake: Squad, today we write a new chapter in the history of the Nine-Nine. And that chapter begins with the word "Jimmy," and ends with the word "Jab."
Rosa: That chapter's only two words long.
Jake: No, there's a lot of words in between. It's a long chapter.

Jake: The point is, today we compete against one another in a series of games, and this year's winner receives one day's paid vacation, courtesy of Officer Mark.
Officer Mark: You said you needed that day for a private matter.
Jake: You know what? You shouldn't even be here. Everyone say, "Thank you, Officer Mark. Bye, Officer Mark."
All: Thank you, Officer Mark. Bye, Officer Mark.

Charles: Welcome to my most sadistic creation. The tangled nightmare of extension cords that lives in our supply closet. Your mission is to untangle your lamp's cord, plug it in, and then pull yourself to it on your dolly and turn it on.
Jake: Oh, nice. Hitchcock's coming down from the speed. I have a chance.

Charles: Debbie, ah, just who I was looking for.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, no. Am I in your seat? I'll sit on the floor.
Charles: Wh-what? No. No, don't do that. No, I was just wondering if you would like to take my place in a little squad competition today.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Mm. I can't do competitions. I'm anti-dexterous.
Charles: Hmm?
Officer Debbie Fogle: It's when neither hand is good at anything.

Charles: Oh, Debbie. I was once like you. A bashful beat cop with long, curly hair and no confidence at all.
Officer Debbie Fogle: That's impossible. You're so suave.
Charles: Sure, now I am. But I came a long way, and I did it by challenging myself to do things I never thought I could. This is your chance to find that confidence.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I don't know.
Charles: Debbie trust me.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Okay. But only because I trust everyone.

Jake: Well, looks like things just got a little more interesting.
Amy: No, they got worse.
Jake: Amy, it's like Torrance from "Bring It On" says, "You'll never be the best until you win against the best."
Amy: Didn't they lose in the end?
Jake: Yeah, but this is different. Hitchcock isn't nearly as good as the East Compton Clovers. [laughs] It's like, where's your head at? It's gonna be fine. It might not be fine.

Charles: Are you okay?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Yeah, I'm just recovering from the EpiPen. I'm sorry I messed everything up. I'm just not cut out for this high-stakes world of having fun with friends.
Charles: First off, if you think you messed this up, you're crazy. Nothing can mess up the performance I'm putting on out there. Secondly, what you did today was incredible.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I got disqualified immediately.
Charles: Did I ever tell you the story of my Jimmy Jabs humiliation?
Officer Debbie Fogle: No. You pretty much never talked to me till today.
Charles: Well, it was 2009, it was the opening ceremonies and I couldn't be more excited. I even got my hair styled just for the event.
[flashback:]
Jake: Charles, flame me.
Charles: [screams]
[back:]
Charles: I was out before the games even began. But I wouldn't change that moment for the world because it made me realize that not even flames can grind me down to dust. There is a place for us, for we are glorious.
Officer Debbie Fogle: You are the bearded lady.
Charles: We are all the bearded lady.

Jake: Gather up, it's Jimmy Jab time!
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, are you doing opening ceremonies?
Jake: Yeah, and you might wanna leave before things get too crazy. A little plausible deniability.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, I wanna record 'em. Maybe you can teach other precincts how to throw their own versions to boost morale.
Jake: No, I'm not a teacher. I'm a class clown/bad boy with a heart of gold. Whatever.

Charles: Ladies and gentlemen. The moment you've been waiting for.
Amy: Wow, he went full "Showman."
Charles: I present to you six freaks, who, through a series of elaborate games, will be eliminated one by one until a champion is crowned. And that champion shall inherit my circus.
Rosa: And get a day off.
Charles: I was getting there, Ro-Ro. Let me have my fun.
Jake: Yeah, Ro-Ro, let him have his fun.
Charles: As always, we start the games by lighting the ceremonial bagel of destiny.
Jake: Ah, it's actually the baguette of destiny because this year, we're throwing caution to the wind. Charles, flame me.
Scully: [singing] Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs.
Charles: And with that, we commence my ten minute opening performance.
Jake: What?
Charles: [singing] The crowd is ready The freaks are here...

Amy: Wow, this is a really long performance. Charles pulled off a costume change.
Jake: I wouldn't say he pulled it off. He accidentally got bottomless in front of all of us.
Amy: Yeah.

Hitchcock: Well, you guys are in for a beating.
Amy: What, is that some kind of kidney pill?
Scully: It's to reduce my various swellings.
Hitchcock: Basically, it's just speed.
Amy: That's illegal, and-
Hitchcock: Ack-ack-ack-ack!

Amy: You're pretty hurt, huh?
Jake: Yeah. It's very exciting. I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit. I mean, sure, I can't lift my arms, but Seabiscuit won without even having arms.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Jake: I don't know. I fell. We're already married. It doesn't matter.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.
Amy: Actually, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay for the games.
Jake: Ohh, look who's coming around already. We're gonna have fun.
Amy: No, this isn't fun. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.
Sergeant Jeffords: I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.
Amy: Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!

Charles: Welcome to the first competition. Which one of you will MEAT your maker? Be sure not to FOWL out, or you will MEAT your end.
Amy: We don't know what the game is, so these puns don't work.
Charles: It's a meat throwing challenge. All of the expired cold cuts from the kitchen refrigerator are under this tarp. Voila! You will toss a meat of your choosing at the break room window from ten feet away. If it sticks to the glass, well, then you move on. If it doesn't, then you're a-
Rosa: Cold cut?
Charles: Yes, now you're getting it. Thank you, Rosa.

Officer Debbie Fogle: I can't do this, Charles. I didn't even grab a meat. I'm not some expert cold cut thrower like you.
Charles: Everyone, I need a second for a freak in trouble. Debbie, I once stood here in front of this squad and felt like I didn't belong.
Officer Debbie Fogle: But-
Charles: But nothing. This is your chance to do something great. Debbie, this is your moment. Take it, and stick this meat.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Is this turkey?
Charles: Yes.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm very allergic to turkey.
[later:]
Jake: Hold her down!
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ahh!
[later:]
Charles: So Debbie's out. But she'll be fine, thanks to her purse full of EpiPens.

Charles: Welcome to K-9 Hide-and-Seek. You'll be given five minutes to hide, during which time Officer Frisbee will be learning your scent. Whoever he finds first is out.
Jake: How'd you get our clothes?
Charles: Doesn't matter. Now, hide, freaks! Hide from the society that shunned you!

Charles: And now, that brings us to the end of round one, which mean it is time for another song. [singing] It was the meet of the moment Meat, meat, meat of the moment...
Rosa: Yeah, we'll be back in five.
Charles: Throw, throw, throw it At the window, window, window...